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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to spend inherited money on a holiday

102 replies

LostMeerkats · 22/07/2019 18:06

Myself and my 2 siblings were raised by my grandparents. My granddad passed away over 10 years ago now. My Grandma passed away a few months ago having had dementia for the past few years. I look after of my two siblings who both have additional needs. My sister is in her 30's and lives in respite care during the week and stays with us Friday to Sunday and a few weeks during the holidays. My brother attends the local college and lives at home.

Recently we were contacted because my grandparents had some money in an account which we didn't now about. As per my grandparents will I inherited all of their assets including this money with the assumption that I will use some of it to support my siblings throughout their lives.

It's quite a lot of money for us and I wasn't sure what to do with it at first so I have split it 4 ways. So for example I have put 5 thousand each in the 2 accounts I already have for my siblings which will eventually be used to pay for their care if/when I can't afford to cover it.
I then put 5 thousand into my own savings which I try to only use in emergencies.

I now have a quarter left over which I want to use for a holiday. I have godparents who live 8 hour away on public transport. They have a holiday cottage which we can stay in for free. I just need to pay for travel and food and spending money and stuff while we are there for the 3 of us.

So my idea is that we will travel half way and then stay in a b&b for the night then travel the rest of the way to my godparents. Stay there for a week and then do the same thing travelling on the way back.

I have already asked my godparents and they are thrilled we are coming.

Last night my Grandmas sister came over to visit so I told her about my plans and she was horrified that I would be so selfish and use the money on a holiday when it should be put towards my sibling care needs.
She pointed out the the holiday was really just for me as they aren't my siblings godparents and my brother would probably rather stay at home and my sister will probably get fed up of the travelling and she really couldn't believe that I would go ahead with this holiday and that I would waste the money on this.

I tried to explain why I thought it was a good idea and that my siblings will probably enjoy it once they are there and that its good for them to do new things even if they have to go out of their comfort zone.

She was still upset with me and ended up leaving in tears saying that I was making a mistake and she thought that maybe my grandparents have trusted me with too much responsibility.

The more I think about the more I am beginning to think that maybe she is right and I am being selfish going on a holiday that is mostly just for me. I think I got caught up in the idea of finally having the money to treat ourselves and I didn't stop to think about the other stuff I could spend the money on.

But then every time I think of cancelling the holiday I just want to cry and I hate cancelling on my godparents who were so excited to see us and it just feels like I have let everyone down because I got over excited about the money.

OP posts:
WatchingFromTheWings · 22/07/2019 18:20

I agree with pp, have the holiday but make sure you have a second break where you don't have to look after anyone else but yourself! You deserve it! Thanks

NoSauce · 22/07/2019 18:20

How much is it costing? As a pp it can’t be that much if you’re being put up.

Inheritance can cause all sorts of problems amongst families OP sadly. Go and enjoy yourselves and try and put this behind you.

Teddybear45 · 22/07/2019 18:20

Your grandma’s sister needs to either put up or shut up. Nobody not involved in caring gets to judge or comment upon a caring decision.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 22/07/2019 18:20

Sod your silly aunt! I think the holiday is a great idea. It doesn't matter whose godparents they are but how fabulous they have a holiday cottage to lend you.

If you think you all 3 will enjoy it, go for it.

Hope you have a lovely time Smile

PooWillyBumBum · 22/07/2019 18:22

That’s ridiculous, have the holiday. How far does she think the £5k will go in care anyway? What about your needs? You’re a grandchild too, and a carer.

Take the fucking holiday.

Howyiz · 22/07/2019 18:24

If she thinks you have been given too much responsibility by your grandparents is she now going to take over some of the care of your siblings?
Or, are you just not being responsible because you won't do what she says?
You have the care of two adult siblings of course you deserve a break. The fact that you are taking both your siblings with you is amazing. Selfish as it may seem. I would have gone for a holiday by myself for some respite! So you are far better than me

minipie · 22/07/2019 18:24

Goodness me how mean of her. If your great aunt thinks you’re so selfish and irresponsible then presumably she’s offering to take over the caring duties you currently bear? No didn’t think so.

You sound like you’re doing an amazing job OP and even if it was a solo holiday you were planning I would say it would be justified to give you a break and a thank you for your hard work. Since you’re taking your siblings with you (which I suspect means it won’t be much of a holiday for you) I cannot see why you are being deemed selfish at all.

I agree with a pp that I can’t see how it costs £5000 though! It should be much less I would have thought. Hope you have some left over for some other treats for you all, and/or additional respite.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 22/07/2019 18:25

Go on the holiday.

Tell your aunt that she can look after both your siblings for the week and you will go to yourself with your own £5k. Since she is so concerned they won't enjoy it and you are wasting money. Bet I know what her answer will be! Hmm

WhatTheAbsoluteFuck · 22/07/2019 18:27

She is wrong and a twat

DodgeRainClouds · 22/07/2019 18:28

Please go on the holiday!!!!! I could understand slightly more if you were going on a holiday on your own abroad (which I actually think you deserve!) But you are taking them with you! She is 100% in the wrong.

Lollypop701 · 22/07/2019 18:29

@HollyGoLoudly1 you got there before me! Exactly this!!!
Op go and enjoy yourself your gp will definitely be cheering you on!

2018SoFarSoGreat · 22/07/2019 18:31

the holiday sounds like a wonderful idea. You all deserve it, especially you. What a great idea.

You sound like a caring and generous person. Your grandparents chose well.

Deemail · 22/07/2019 18:31

You sound amazing, stop doubting yourself and in future don't discuss your finances with your grand aunt or any other serious decisions.
Have a wonderful holiday, it's well deserved.

Onekidnoclue · 22/07/2019 18:32

I agree with everyone except your feet aunt. Please go on the holiday.

If your grandparents had wanted your great aunt to spend their money as she saw fit they would have left it to her. They didn’t. They left everything to you. You’re doing what you think which is exactly as they wanted and as a bonus sounds like an excellent idea. Enjoy the break Flowers

HumpHumpWhale · 22/07/2019 18:33

Your great aunt is being ridiculous. Go, enjoy your holiday, and don't feel guilty. It'll be good for all of you.

timeisnotaline · 22/07/2019 18:35

Hollygoloudly is spot on. She’s a meanie. Go on holiday, it sounds like you deserve it!

Original poster
LostMeerkats · 22/07/2019 18:37

Thank you for replying, you are right there will be money left over after the holiday which I was going to save and use for Christmas/birthdays so I won't have to worry as much about the cost of gifts etc

My g.aunt helps occasionally with my brother (roughly 5 or 6 times a year for a few hour in the evening) but she is too old to handle my sister. Her daughter does help out as well if I am desperate.

I do have a couple of good friends one who takes both of them at least once a month and one who takes my brother on days out during the school holidays so I can have time to myself.

My siblings will probably enjoy it once we are there and settled. We don't have a car so me and my brother travel by train a fair bit and the only thing that upsets him is when people make loud noises but we combat that with headphones and music.

My sister is harder to deal with but should be ok with an ipad and a load of distraction toys. Its we will have to change train a couple of times anyway and I have pick a route with at least half an hour between each stop so my sister will have plenty of time to move about and make some noise and it's also why I have planned to stop overnight rather than be on the train all day.

OP posts:
countrygirl99 · 22/07/2019 18:37

This holiday sounds like it will cost a small fraction of the £5k. If your grand sister doesn't think your siblings will benefit from it perhaps she can look after them while you go for some respite I'm sure a break would leave you with so much more energy for your day to day responsibilities.

Drum2018 · 22/07/2019 18:38

Grandmothers sister is being a jealous bitch. I'd ignore her 100%. Don't even speak to her again before the holiday. You deserve that holiday and so do your siblings and I'm sure it will do you all good. It's not as if you're taking the money to go away to a 5 star hotel on your own. It's for the benefit of you all. Don't give her snide comments another thought. Focus on the lovely time you will have.

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/07/2019 18:40

You sound such a lovely sister x

sonjadog · 22/07/2019 18:41

Some people just like to suck the joy out of other people´s plans. She sounds like one of them. My Mother can be a bit like this with money too. Any time I want to go away somewhere I get a long lecture on how the money could be used in a better way. If I listened to her, I would live a life where I went nowhere and did nothing. Your holiday is allowed to be about you as well as your siblings and you think they would enjoy it. I say go for it, enjoy your life and make good memories.

ReasonablyIntelligent · 22/07/2019 18:42

The maths isn't adding up for me.

If you have put £5000 in 3 accounts you've used up £15,000

If you have "a quarter left over" then I presume you mean a quarter of the whole inheritance - in which case £5000

If you have a quarter of the £15000 put away, then you have £3,750.

Either of these sums is far far too much money for 2 nights in a B&B and a week at a relatives.

DP and I have just come back from 10 days all inc at a 5* hotel in Dubai and that was only £2500.

Presuming you'll be sharing a room in the B&B in light of the siblings additional needs, at most you are looking at £300 for 2 nights, public transport can't be too expensive - another £300 at a massive overestimate. Gift for the hosts, another £100. Maybe £300 spending money... so £1000 at the most, and that's an overestimate

ReasonablyIntelligent · 22/07/2019 18:45

In short, if you are even anywhere near the £5,000 for a week at a relatives then I can see where your Great Aunt is coming from because something has gone wrong with the budget there.

BUT overall, you are not doing anything wrong.

At the end of the day, £5k or £20k is not going to touch the costs of lifetime care for your siblings so you need to have a bit of light relief.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 22/07/2019 18:46

@ReasonablyIntelligent

OP already posted this:
Thank you for replying, you are right there will be money left over after the holiday which I was going to save and use for Christmas/birthdays so I won't have to worry as much about the cost of gifts etc

sonjadog · 22/07/2019 18:48

The comment about your grandparents trusting you with too much responsibility and the tears would make me suspect that she was thinking that the money would be left to her and that she would be the one deciding on how it was used, and that your grandparents´ decision disappointed her. I suspect she might dislike how you use the money whatever you do with it.