To only pay half the mortgage this month?

[TylwythTeg]

Long-time lurker, first time poster so please be gentle :) Although quite prepared to be told that I being unreasonable, I really can't see a way out of this situation.

I'll try and keep a back story brief...
I have a 2 yo ds with current partner and 2 dc with previous man, to whom I'm still married (separated since 2012). Dc spend every other weekend, and half the hols and one night a week during school terms with their Dad. He is self employed.

Current partner has a long-term significant health condition that limits what he can do on a daily basis, although some are better than others.
I have to do 99% of household related jobs and child stuff. Partner takes kids to school and picks them up on days we have them - about 250 miles a week. Partner us in the process of setting up a business so he can work, but currently contributes very little to the household income. He pays the occasional £10 food shop (bread, milk etc) if I have run out of cash and puts petrol in his car to take the dc to school.

I was until recently (about 6 months ago) giving him £300 per month to cover his personal bills. I had to stop because I couldn't afford to do it on top of paying the mortgage, bills, food, stuff for dc and I needed to buy a car to be able to get to work myself (had been sharing lifts for 7 months before).

So here's my AIBU... I have a really expensive month coming up - summer hols, eldest dc going to secondary school and middle dc needing new uniform too (albeit not much). Also I have an 18 yo ds from a further previous relationship who is going to uni in Sept and I need to pay some of his accommodation costs this month. AIBU to tell current partner that I can only pay half the bills/mortgage this month so I can afford everything else? He has some money in the bank which an investor has given him to start the business off and he has previously been supplementing his personal finances with money from his family. I'm worried that asking him for money for the bills etc will cause him stress as he'll have to find it from somewhere, but I also have no way of obtaining funds - I have no family to ask and do not want to get into debt by using a credit card etc. I have a good job and could manage financially on a monthly basis, but the dcs dad has reduced his maintenance payments month on month to nearly nothing as he's not earning much either. He will not contribute any more for uniforms, etc.

So, AIBU to think sod it, let the men in my life sort their own finances out whilst I make sure me and my dc are all ok?!

Do you do most of it because he thinks the DC are ‘yours’ and therefore you need to pick up more of the household running as ‘you’ are responsible for more bodies? Even subconsciously it seems this could be a possibility. It really does sound as if he needs to get with the blended family program...

did he actually get a 'business loan' like hes telling you, or has he got money from somewhere else that hes just keeping for himself....he shouldnt be spending it on himself if its for a business, so i would be suspicious that hes telling you the truth

OP, I think if your partner is a full-time carer for your child (four hours a week childcare is nothing!), is trying to set up his own business to contribute financially, and helps out with the driving for your older two children AND is so disabled he can't work, he is contributing plenty. I understand it might be hard to see that when your previous partners were so awful, but I honestly don't think he's freeloading. Looking after a small child is exhausting work in itself, without any of the other stuff. I think you should be giving him more money, not asking him to pay more.

I think in the long-term you need to:

• Chase child maintenance from your previous partner. He is legally obliged to pay for his kids. How he does that is his responsibility.
• Put pressure on your previous partner to help with university costs.
• Appeal the PIP payment. PIP is notorious for finding any reason not to pay. Many many decisions are successfully challenged on appeal. If your DP cannot work, he should be getting PIP. (Although whether he will is another matter.)

I'm the short term, I think you need to be honest with your partner about your financial situation. This isn't your problem that you can offload into him and make it his problem, it's a problem you share as a family and a financial unit. Rather than phrasing it as "you have to find this money, do it however you want", phrase it as "these are our family outgoings this month, I don't have the money to pay for everything, so you have any ideas because I don't!"
He won't want to be homeless any more than you will - he may well volunteer to find the money.
I understand you not wanting to give him stress, but you need to face these problems as a family. Because trying to deal with them on your own and then dumping them all on his doorstep when you can't ... Yes, that's going to cause conflict and stress.