To only pay half the mortgage this month?

[TylwythTeg]

Long-time lurker, first time poster so please be gentle :) Although quite prepared to be told that I being unreasonable, I really can't see a way out of this situation.

I'll try and keep a back story brief...
I have a 2 yo ds with current partner and 2 dc with previous man, to whom I'm still married (separated since 2012). Dc spend every other weekend, and half the hols and one night a week during school terms with their Dad. He is self employed.

Current partner has a long-term significant health condition that limits what he can do on a daily basis, although some are better than others.
I have to do 99% of household related jobs and child stuff. Partner takes kids to school and picks them up on days we have them - about 250 miles a week. Partner us in the process of setting up a business so he can work, but currently contributes very little to the household income. He pays the occasional £10 food shop (bread, milk etc) if I have run out of cash and puts petrol in his car to take the dc to school.

I was until recently (about 6 months ago) giving him £300 per month to cover his personal bills. I had to stop because I couldn't afford to do it on top of paying the mortgage, bills, food, stuff for dc and I needed to buy a car to be able to get to work myself (had been sharing lifts for 7 months before).

So here's my AIBU... I have a really expensive month coming up - summer hols, eldest dc going to secondary school and middle dc needing new uniform too (albeit not much). Also I have an 18 yo ds from a further previous relationship who is going to uni in Sept and I need to pay some of his accommodation costs this month. AIBU to tell current partner that I can only pay half the bills/mortgage this month so I can afford everything else? He has some money in the bank which an investor has given him to start the business off and he has previously been supplementing his personal finances with money from his family. I'm worried that asking him for money for the bills etc will cause him stress as he'll have to find it from somewhere, but I also have no way of obtaining funds - I have no family to ask and do not want to get into debt by using a credit card etc. I have a good job and could manage financially on a monthly basis, but the dcs dad has reduced his maintenance payments month on month to nearly nothing as he's not earning much either. He will not contribute any more for uniforms, etc.

So, AIBU to think sod it, let the men in my life sort their own finances out whilst I make sure me and my dc are all ok?!

as others say, from the people in your life this should be a minimum

adult child going to Uni - is their other parent contributing

middle kids - child maintanance? Are you getting it? any chance to get a contribution towards the extra uniforms?

The man who currently lives with you. He should be entitled to some kind of financial help? If he is not well enough to work then does he claim PIP or failing that (as understand from personal experience that it is hard to get) then does he get ESA? I find it hard to believe that someone who is able to drive the kids to school and back and is able to set up a business is unable to help in any other way around the house?

Who looks after the 2 year old?

As a pp said you do seem to have form for picking men who don’t contribute.

Wow op I don't think I could cope with this set up.

You do all the work
You do all the childcare
You pay all of the bills apart from the odd pint of milk
You are doing everything!

I appreciate your dp is ill, and I understand this must be pretty bad for him, however! Your children have to come first. You can not continue to fund him.

Speak to ex dp and ask him to help cover half of everything for the older dc, he needs to step up.

Current dp needs to eat beans and toast for three weeks and not spend a penny until you can move him into a relative's house.

I can't see how you can continue this arrangement. I would move dp out to his parents house to be cared for (and paid for) and you get your finances in order accordingly, and prioritise the children's needs for clothes and shoes.

I can't see what you are getting out of your relationship with dp op. I am all for standing by dh in sickness and in health, but I could not and would not let my children suffer to this degree in the process.

If your DP is well enough to set up his own business and do the occasional school run, surely he is well enough to do his fair share around the house?

I don't understand why he would assume he can just coast through life with no income; or indeed why you have enabled this up to now. He needs to start contributing, not cadging money off everyone else (including his family).

In fairness to cp, he did sort of contribute when he was able to work full Time for someone else - and pps are quite correct - business money is not something to be dipped into, but he seems to use it for random things, which leads me to think it's more of a personal loan from the friend rather than a business loan, per se. It is all a complete mess and I can't see a way out of it tbh! Cp looks after the 2yo during the day but puts him into a local playgroup for 4 hours so he can get work done, which he pays for, so in that respect he does contribute something...

Benefits are not an option because I earn too much. His PIP claim was thrown out because he wasn't deemed poorly enough... his condition changes on a day to day basis.

Good grief

Your life is so complicated with 5 offspring and being a teacher!

Why would you keep having children with set ups like this? 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway
Get the men to step up or take them to court.
Get rid of your current dp as he sounds like a waste of time.

But honestly. I despair.

😮 wow.
Tbh I'd move somewhere else that you can afford with your youngest children, support yourself and if you want to continue a relationship with your current partner then it has to be financially independent from him.
He may be unwell but that doesn't mean you should be supplementing his living for free.

Is he appealing the PIP decision?

You're financially supporting someone AND carrying the load.

You either make a change or you'll crack.

No one can carry that burden long term.

You don’t have to fund your sons uni, I know you want to but it’s not essential and not a priority. I went to uni with zero help from my parents and most of my friends didn’t either we got jobs and paid our way just fine!

You have 5 kids with 4 different dads?

Why can't your CP contribute more, if he is well enough to start a new business?

Erm, you need to get shot of the free loader.

Benefits are not an option because I earn too much. His PIP claim was thrown out because he wasn't deemed poorly enough... his condition changes on a day to day basis.

PIP is assessed on a points system, and based on the worse days. Does he think he merits enough points to qualify?

What’s the health condition?
What’s the business he’s trying to set up?

He can do the school run but zero housework? If he’s already spent some of the investor’s money on personal things he’s not taking the business idea at all seriously.

Could he do a driving job?

You’ll run yourself into the ground trying to do everything and keep everyone afloat.

Erm, you need to get shot of the free loader.

Jeez people. Half the replies are like that. He's chtonically ill, and going self-employed to accommodate that.

Mumsnetters have such a shitty attitude to illness and disability.

It is very messy and complicated. Are you sure you wouldn’t be better off on your own?

Fucking hell. I hope you nor any of your loved ones ever become disabled.

Absolutely horrifying.

What’s your current partner bringing to the table? Not a great deal from where I’m sitting.

Thank you all so much for your perspectives - I really do appreciate them, and all of your honesty! (I love Mumsnet for this reason!!)

I have had complicated relationships in which I am sure I have contributed my fair share of angst to my previous partners as they have to me (only 3 partners, not 4 )

My first husband was abusive in every sense of the word, my second husband had mental health issues which meant it was impossible for us to live together any more and my third partner - he's actually a lovely man deep down, but I feel his own personal issues and his health have taken their toll on the dynamic in our relationship... when he became ill about two years ago, I ran his business (think franchise rather than self employed as such) and brought in a lot of money - I started working two weeks after having ds - which went straight into his account. I wasn't working as a teacher then, and he drop fed money into the household during this time. He has a very keen sense of my other dc's father should be paying for them, so he's always had a bit of an issue contributing 50/50 and I can see why to be fair. Our house is large, and reasonably priced for the size, so downsizing somewhere cheaper isn't really an option, unfortunately.

Ooh when I start to unpick everything by writing it down, it seems an impossible task to sort!!

Off to cut the grass now while it's sunny - be back later. And thank you all, again

Can he pay himself a salary out of the business account and use that salary to pay his share of the rent?

Alsohuman, would you be happy for your partner to turf you out if you were disabled?

Why is the school so far away?

No I don't think you can just pay half your rent.

Not unless you are certain that he will pay the other half.

Surely it's obvious that you have to pay rent above all else otherwise you risk getting into arrears.

Who said anything about turfing him out? Or perhaps you meant someone else @thedancingbear.

@RubberTreePlant looking at the points system, I can see how it was thrown out, as he scored very low - maybe he was too honest?