To only pay half the mortgage this month?

[TylwythTeg]

Long-time lurker, first time poster so please be gentle :) Although quite prepared to be told that I being unreasonable, I really can't see a way out of this situation.

I'll try and keep a back story brief...
I have a 2 yo ds with current partner and 2 dc with previous man, to whom I'm still married (separated since 2012). Dc spend every other weekend, and half the hols and one night a week during school terms with their Dad. He is self employed.

Current partner has a long-term significant health condition that limits what he can do on a daily basis, although some are better than others.
I have to do 99% of household related jobs and child stuff. Partner takes kids to school and picks them up on days we have them - about 250 miles a week. Partner us in the process of setting up a business so he can work, but currently contributes very little to the household income. He pays the occasional £10 food shop (bread, milk etc) if I have run out of cash and puts petrol in his car to take the dc to school.

I was until recently (about 6 months ago) giving him £300 per month to cover his personal bills. I had to stop because I couldn't afford to do it on top of paying the mortgage, bills, food, stuff for dc and I needed to buy a car to be able to get to work myself (had been sharing lifts for 7 months before).

So here's my AIBU... I have a really expensive month coming up - summer hols, eldest dc going to secondary school and middle dc needing new uniform too (albeit not much). Also I have an 18 yo ds from a further previous relationship who is going to uni in Sept and I need to pay some of his accommodation costs this month. AIBU to tell current partner that I can only pay half the bills/mortgage this month so I can afford everything else? He has some money in the bank which an investor has given him to start the business off and he has previously been supplementing his personal finances with money from his family. I'm worried that asking him for money for the bills etc will cause him stress as he'll have to find it from somewhere, but I also have no way of obtaining funds - I have no family to ask and do not want to get into debt by using a credit card etc. I have a good job and could manage financially on a monthly basis, but the dcs dad has reduced his maintenance payments month on month to nearly nothing as he's not earning much either. He will not contribute any more for uniforms, etc.

So, AIBU to think sod it, let the men in my life sort their own finances out whilst I make sure me and my dc are all ok?!

Very confusing drip feed OP, but what stood out for me was two things:

• Your partner objects to paying half of the rent because you have two children from a previous relationship living with you. This is nonsense, because any adult should pay their fair share of basic housing costs. (its also nasty and unkind and not something you look for in a partner but it seems you have a well established history of selecting poor quality partners so we'll discard that for now). He is the other adult living in the house, he should pay half the rent.

• He used to work/earn but his ceasing to do so very roughly coincides with you moving in/having a child with him. Do you honestly believe he is really so ill that he now cannot work at all? Why instead of running a business doesn't he get a low level but full time paid job doing something (anything)? The routine will help his stress levels and self respect.

OP, are you one of these women who is so scared of being single/not having a man that they put up with anything, that most women wouldn't put up with? Honestly shocked at how someone who has the intelligence to hold down a professional job can't organise their own life in a more sensible way. I would say its hard to believe but then I know a woman who's done similar (although she only has 3 children) and if she wasn't lurching from crisis to crisis, from one badly behaving man to another and then immediately having a baby with the rebound, I don't think she would know what to do with herself.

And OP sorry, I didn't make any constructive criticisms, beyond your OP getting a full time low level job and not necessarily believing all of his excuses. I find it hard to say anything constructive here. Its clearly a set pattern of behaviour on your part and obviously leaving your no-good current partner is the best solution, but you won't do that (and anyway you would be left without childcare). I think you're basically trapped in this cycle, trying to prise more money out of the various useless fathers of your children.

My friend whom I described above is often bailed out by her parents, who also help with childcare, is this possible for you?

Your current partner must pay half the rent and buy all his own food.

I feel a bit for your child who is starting uni, its a stressful time for someone going through that. Its great that you are trying to help him out with housing costs in the midst of all of this.

Really sorry OP and I know I'm gonna get flamed for saying this but if I already had 4 kids with men who were crap at paying for them, I really would have thought long and hard about having a 5th with someone unemployed & in poor health/unable to support etc.

Definitely go through CMS to make the fathers pay for their kids! And make your current DP contribute whatever he can.

I actually think you are in the middle of 2 guys who seem to want to control you and you are dancing to their tune.

What difference would it make to your exhs life if the children moved school

Why is your Dp so amazed that as you live together you have to pay out to keep your children in clothes food etc

Did you spring 4 children on him at the last moment.

I don’t think your Dp is all that great.

When you worked his business you brought in loads of money and it went into his account and only drip fed it back to you to pay bills.

I notice when he has brought money in subsequently it has gone on stuff for him

He expected you to find him and when that dried up he has now hit someone else to find him.

Estate agent in this climate. Please tell me he has a second job as a stand up comedian.

Why doesn’t he become a Uber driver . He seems to be able to drive and will probably bring more money in than estate agency atm

I think that you sound great Op. There are too many judgey people here.
You have had a lot going on in your life so far,so many problems, but although you are a trite despairing right now, you sound very caring,and most of all ,resilient about all that is going on right now.

I've called citizens advice to book cp in for an appointment to go over his PIP claim again - hopefully that will help

I know your Dp is disabled and is hoping to run an estate agency but if he can’t pick up a phone and call CA on his own how the hell is he supposed to run an estate agents.

I mean this in the kindest way op but as you work with children have you got into a way of thinking that all around you everyone is a child and can’t do stuff so you automatically do it for them.

Again how can he expect to get PiP when by all accounts he is able to work?
I’m sorry but I think he’s a user and wanting an easy life of sponging off you and benefits.
What are the pluses here?

bookworm PIP is to help with the costs of living independently with a disability. Many people who have jobs are entitled to it. But it does sound like this man doesn't do much for himself and the OP has fallen into the trap of looking after him utterly simply because he has some limitations.

OP you need a really good sit down with this man about your finances. You can't shoulder the burden as you have. You also need money from the aftershock of your children, and the eldest if still at home needs to make a contribution even if only £20 a week. Sit down with the moneysavingexpert budget sheet and put in every single thing you spend money in and where all your income from all sources comes from.

Instead of 'aftershock' read 'father's'. Predictive text

Many posters on here are giving the impression that PIP as something anyone with a long term health condition should be getting as long as they’ve filled in the form using the correct secret code words known only by disability advisors. It simply isn’t the case.

PIP is about either mobility or daily care needs. Daily care is about someone’s ability to carry out really very basic self-care tasks such as washing and dressing, reading and bathing without aid. Someone can be in relatively poor health but still able to carry out these tasks on most days.

Mobility is about either being able to plan and follow a journey (driving around independently almost always excludes someone from this) or walk a very short distance without aid.

Being able to drive on school runs for 250 miles a week and being able to independently run a business will probably exclude that person from being able to score points for a lot of the PIP descriptors. They will likely only be able to score points if they require physical aids and adaptations - such as dressing or bathing aids.

In many ways ESA is a much easier benefit to meet the criteria for, although the OP states they haven’t made sufficient NI contributions for Contribution based and wouldn’t meet the criteria for Income Related.

Either way, benefits are not really a solution to domestic arrangements that aren’t working.

Being able to drive on school runs for 250 miles a week and being able to independently run a business will probably exclude that person from being able to score points for a lot of the PIP descriptors. They will likely only be able to score points if they require physical aids and adaptations - such as dressing or bathing aids.

This is not completely true, you can get PIP and still work/drive. For example, you might be able to drive but not walk far or be able to use public transport and so be entitled to mobility component. You may need help to get dressed in the morning, but then be able to go to work etc etc (especially if you work form home) and get care component

I only say this as it is always worth applying for PIP and always worth appealing if you don't get it first time. People shouldn't be put off.

For example, a wheelchair user who can't walk but can drive would get the mobility component.

jigswa very true. But PIP is bloody hard to get ( former welfare rights adviser here) but you can get it and be able to work. If you get the mobility component for example it can pay for an adapted car. The daily living component can help you pay for someone to get you up and dressed ready for work

jigsawfan did you read what I had written. I said that mobility was made up of moving around (walking) and planning/following a journey. Driving independently would almost always exclude someone from scoring points for planning and following a journey.

Either way, the PIP application process is an extremely stressful and time consuming process - mentally as well as physically. This is made even more stressful and demoralising when having to involve often over-stretched voluntary agencies and appeals. A tribunal can typically take a year or more to be heard. It is really not the solution for the OP’s current situation and, in my opinion, the application process at this time is likely to exacerbate the situation for the OP who doesn’t actually think her partner meets the criteria.

Jesus, the OP isn’t asking if she shouldLTB!

jigsawfan did you read what I had written. I said that mobility was made up of moving around (walking) and planning/following a journey. Driving independently would almost always exclude someone from scoring points for planning and following a journey.

@SweetSummerchild I was trying to flag up that this is not the only criteria for awarding mobility component of PIP.

If you can only walk very short distances or can't walk at all you can get the mobility component. Being able to drive does not preclude it being awarded under these criteria.

I am saying this not because I want to argue with you or be arsey but because it's important that people are aware of all the criteria - someone who is thinking of applying for PIP might read this thread and wrongly think what you have set out is the only criteria for the mobility element of PIP and be put off applying.

I meant to add your post is a bit confusing and makes it seem as though if you can drive you can't get mobility element of PIP. At least that's how it read to me, but poss I was being a bit thick!

He doesn't sound very nice, complaining about petrol and car wear and tear over your original DC's school. He knew they were there when he came into the equation, and you're more than pulling your weight financially with him and your shared DC. Yes, the exes need to contribute but you're their parent too so it's not unreasonable for you to spend your money on them.

If he can't work, he needs to get PIP sorted and you need to draw up a budget you're both happy with and that is sustainable. Living off loans/handouts/drawing down on savings isn't sustainable.

Regardless of his health issues there's no reason you should bear 100% of the emotional/financial burden of running the household and paying for the kids.

I don't know you or your DH but he sounds like a bit of an arse, sorry. If someone was looking after the kids, paying for me and sticking by me through an illness which reduced my contributions I'd be thanking my lucky stars for such a good partner, not trying to ringfence my money and complain about them paying for their existing kids.

Glad to hear you've pulled your big girl pants on 😄 It's a start but you need to keep it up and not let the men in your life dictate all the terms. Hope your meeting with the solicitor goes well.

I have a bit of a different view of your current partner. He's doing all the childcare for your 2yo (and paying for nursery where needed). That puts him into a SAHD role and, especially given his illness, I think that's totally fine. Certainly no reason to be as critical as some posters have been.

There are loads of posters on here who are SAHM and don't contribute financially to the household. Although they also do most of the household budgeting - maybe that would be a useful chore to pass over to your DH, OP? In fact, does he could pick up a greater proportion of chores around the house when he's feeling well enough?

The problem is that there just isn't enough money to go around. OP (and/or DH) need to look at her budget and work out how to make the numbers add up. There've been good suggestions for that on the thread already.

@LannieDuck I'm
So glad you posted an alternative viewpoint, I find it very easy to get bogged down with woe is me feelings, but yes, effectively he is a SAHD, I have tried handing the financial reins to him before and ended up with no money myself whilst he was sitting on pots of it. I budget our finances to within an inch of a mile each month and everything is always paid, and on time. It just means we don't have days out, meals out, holidays, new clothes etc and I'm completely fine with that - it is what it is. I just feel like I'm being taken for a ride a bit with the current situation. I know cp is starting a business, and that takes time, and he's looking after the kids whilst I'm at work, but I'm
Picking up the greatest majority of household chores, gardening, food shopping, childcare when not in work etc, and that's on top of a full time job, which is starting to become a bit overwhelming.

But the big girl pants worked - my soon to be ex husband has stumped up more regular payments and a larger sum of money for his two! Small steps and all that!

So if he's a SAHD and working PT, I guess the chores should probably be shared about 70:30. His illness makes that a big more difficult tho, and hard to say what's fair without knowing more about it.

I have tried handing the financial reins to him before and ended up with no money myself whilst he was sitting on pots of it

This doesn't paint him in a good light at all. Is he very selfish?

Glad you've managed to get a more sensible arrangement from middle-Dad.

How long has he been setting up his business OP?

Well done on the steps you've taken so far OP!

In future please ensure that paying the rent is your number 1 priority. If your landlord uses your rent for his mortgage there is no way you can burden him with not being able to pay for this, and I doubt he would stand for it. Be careful!

Second of all,you said DP is effectively a SAHD, but you've said you do most of the childcare and housework. He really needs to pull his finger out and start doing more for you and your children.

Don't be taken for a ride or as a mug OP, you lead by example to your children x

I am unsure what exactly you mean when you say if he does the finances he ends up with loads over but when you do it you end up with nothing

Are you saying he is better at finances than you or is he just not paying bills.

Why do you end up with nothing when he looks after the money.

Can I ask in a climate of house prices going downhill and fewer and fewer houses coming on the market and Estate agencies closing down why he has chosen to be an Estate agent

DD is in a risky career but she has other jobs. Will your DP be doing an evening job untill the money starts coming in.

I know he is disabled but how is he going to manage estate agency of he can't do any chores. Not every house will be beautifully presented, with smooth flat floors
I have been to visit more properties that need the dexterity of a mountain goat to get round