To only pay half the mortgage this month?

[TylwythTeg]

Long-time lurker, first time poster so please be gentle :) Although quite prepared to be told that I being unreasonable, I really can't see a way out of this situation.

I'll try and keep a back story brief...
I have a 2 yo ds with current partner and 2 dc with previous man, to whom I'm still married (separated since 2012). Dc spend every other weekend, and half the hols and one night a week during school terms with their Dad. He is self employed.

Current partner has a long-term significant health condition that limits what he can do on a daily basis, although some are better than others.
I have to do 99% of household related jobs and child stuff. Partner takes kids to school and picks them up on days we have them - about 250 miles a week. Partner us in the process of setting up a business so he can work, but currently contributes very little to the household income. He pays the occasional £10 food shop (bread, milk etc) if I have run out of cash and puts petrol in his car to take the dc to school.

I was until recently (about 6 months ago) giving him £300 per month to cover his personal bills. I had to stop because I couldn't afford to do it on top of paying the mortgage, bills, food, stuff for dc and I needed to buy a car to be able to get to work myself (had been sharing lifts for 7 months before).

So here's my AIBU... I have a really expensive month coming up - summer hols, eldest dc going to secondary school and middle dc needing new uniform too (albeit not much). Also I have an 18 yo ds from a further previous relationship who is going to uni in Sept and I need to pay some of his accommodation costs this month. AIBU to tell current partner that I can only pay half the bills/mortgage this month so I can afford everything else? He has some money in the bank which an investor has given him to start the business off and he has previously been supplementing his personal finances with money from his family. I'm worried that asking him for money for the bills etc will cause him stress as he'll have to find it from somewhere, but I also have no way of obtaining funds - I have no family to ask and do not want to get into debt by using a credit card etc. I have a good job and could manage financially on a monthly basis, but the dcs dad has reduced his maintenance payments month on month to nearly nothing as he's not earning much either. He will not contribute any more for uniforms, etc.

So, AIBU to think sod it, let the men in my life sort their own finances out whilst I make sure me and my dc are all ok?!

So, your ex dictates which school the DC go to which incurs substantial costs to you and you play along? If he wants such a role in their lives then he needs to step up and start contributing to their lives.
On another point when you were receiving £450 per month in CM you were giving your current partner £300 of it. Surely you need to wise up to these men and put yourself and your kids first. That money could have been going into your rainy day pot which you need now. I'd start prioritising yourself and the DC right now, they are both treating you badly.

How on earth did you get yourself in this situation.did u sleepwalk in to it.
Did you have to have a child with each new man you slept with.
Don’t bring any more children in to this mess

we've tried and failed in that respect as we never come to an agreement. I have suggested counselling as a couple and mediation, but he won't agree to it

If he isn't willing to sit down and talk about this in a sensible way and his only suggestion for saving money is your children moving schools then I really think you need to be assessing this relationship very seriously.

Basically, he is content to be financially dependent on you and thinks that if anyone needs to rein in their spending it's you.

He sounds feckless with money and very selfish. If I was financially dependent on my partner for whatever reason I would be keeping my spending to an absolute minimum.

It's horrifying that his friend has made him a loan for the business and he is spending it on personal bits and bobs.

What a horrendous situation. I wouldn't be able to tolerate this. You'd be far far better off on your own.

The 250 miles weekly school commute is a problem. That must take your current partner a lot of time depending on traffic in your area.

It’s saving you and your ex husband a lot of time and money.

I don’t think it’s fair that you make your current partner make up a shortfall that seems to be caused by your soon-to-be-ex husband.

I also think it’s unfair to say you are doing 99% of the household stuff when your current partner has the two year old during the day. If he is unwell then that sounds like it’s ok.

If the 4 hours childcare is expensive then maybe that could be something you could cut back on. It depends how much your kid gets out of it too I suppose.
Has your 18 year old got a summer job? My DC all worked the summers before and during uni and I was surprised how much they ended up with.

It’s a difficult situation. Are there any other areas where you could cut back. The reduction in maintainence is massive. I’m not surprised you are struggling.

Feelingwalkedover
My thoughts too. I thought it was just me.
OP are you sure your "d"p is the one for you ?

To be honest you’ve been a bit of a mug to this point and quite frankly you didn’t pick very good men to father your dc.

Stop being a door mat FFS, woman up! People can only walk all over you if you allow it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm worried that asking him for money for the bills etc will cause him stress For god sake women, he DOESN’T care about your stress levels. He doesn’t even contribute to the up bringing of this child 😂 You even paid this man £300 a month to live under your roof

There’s an awful lot to unpick here.

If your 11 year old is going up to secondary, is that closer to where you live now? Or have you committed to another 5+ years of a commute in the wrong direction? I’d seriously reconsider this, myself.

How old is the other primary age DC?

Can they stay with their DF mid-week e.g. Tues night/Weds night, cutting commute & petrol costs? If he’s not paying any CM anyway this seems logical.

Your CP needs to understand that if he wants to live with you in a blended family then he will need to be more sanguine about the costs of a family.

It seems like you’re dictated to by all sides.

Figure out what is best for you, and best for the 3 youngest DC. Go from
there. Ignore anything to do with anyone else’s opinion or preference or desires unless it is your DC. Everyone else is unreliable. Make a plan for you and yours and only THEN decide how the others can be accommodated.

This is so sad. Five children. Three fathers and they between them contribute £28 a month.

Does your current partner add value to your life? Because he is costing you money just being there. Id suggest dump him and read every self help book available on raising your standards and forming boundaries.

Do you have a health programme through work? Some schools offer them. For example through my school we have simply health, which has free counselling.

You will be financially better off alone as you womt be feeding a man. He doesnt buy the occasional bread and milk as he gets his money from you. You pay for it all. He is an extra child with pocket money.

@Feelingwalkedover - a tad bit harsh, I feel, although I'll embrace everyone's points of view - my first husband forced me to have intercourse, he left me when he had an affair or I'd still be there now probably, such was his level of control.
Second husband had mental illness, and was physically abusive, although a kind man in many ways, the mistake I made there, was entering into another relationship in order to put right my life from the first mistakes.
Third partner was 'the one', until he became ill, and I am prepared to stick it out, o had a child with him because we wanted a child together. My reasons for having children are many and varied, but each one after the first two has been carefully considered given my financial and relationship security at the time. We all make mistakes ms I certainly try and learn from mine, but sometimes, sh*t happens... I'm
Quite pragmatic about all that, but don't really need a character assassination

My 18 year old has a summer job And is saving hard to pay his way in uni until his student finance comes in, he's gone for a private let, or I'd be speaking to student finance for some leeway in the meantime.

Some of you will be pleased to know I've pulled my big girl pants up and had a conversation with DC's dad and told him to sort out the uniforms etc - a short term goal! I've also spoken to my solicitor and will be meeting her later in the week to sort some things out. I'm looking at how to make the DC's dad agree to divorce - he won't sign the papers - that's all ready to go, has been for ages! And I've asked dp if he can find his half of the rent for this month at least and I've gotten him to agree to sit down and talk about finances going forward! Thanks to the Mumsnet massive!! Xx

@NoSquirrels you've nailed it!! Ds will be catching the bus, so that's an easy one to solve

I don’t think anyone should be judging about the shape and set-up of your family, OP - it just means it’s complicated to address the issues, as you no doubt are painfully aware of!

1. childcare of 2 year old and 50 miles a day on school runs is good contribution if your CP is also ill and unable to go out to work.

2. his financial situation and contribution is not equitable in terms of a blended family, which is the thing he took on willingly.

3. you cannot force others to chdnge, you can only change things yourself. So focus on you.

Practically speaking, I’d pay the rent this month. If you teach presumably you’re off this month so can do childcare freeing up CP to earn and no school runs so saving money on petrol. Tell him you need the extra money this month for his share of the rent.

X-post! Well done you. Good start!

Also, we coach people through pip tribunals and appeals and he needs to talk about his limitations on his worst days not his best or ‘sometimes I can do this’ if you cannot consistently do it you cannot work and you need to spell that shit out for them x

I think some peoples comments are a little unfair TBH. Not everyone can get married and live happily ever after!.Many people will have a situation similar to your own .However if you are happy with your current partner then to dump him because hes unwell seems harsh .You need to a) maybe look into divorcing your DH (As someone else says ,if anything were to happen he would get your money!)b)If your CP can do some things around the house to help you (even just some cooking or putting WM on! c)can you sit down and work out a budget together ,any savings however small ? d) As far as Uni costs go there is some help for students who may be struggling.e) try and take some time out for yourself!

@TheDarkPassenger, thanks for your advice there, I've called citizens advice to book cp in for an appointment to go over his PIP claim again - hopefully that will help.

@NoSquirrels thank you :) it is a good start, onwards!! X

@dottiedodah I have developed the thickest if skins over the years (maybe that's the problem!!)

Your plan is a splendid one, especially (e)!!!! xx

Just to second and third what a lot of people upthread have said - your DP should appeal or reapply for PIP with some help from a benefits advisor.

Its obviously a complicated situation OP.

I do think that you also ought to go to the CAB to double check advice. Perhaps try to get onto the housing list? All very difficult though.

Just need to clarify that PIP is NOT based on the worst days, it is based on whether the criteria are met on the majority of days.

A person could be near death's door at times, but if it is only for 4 days of every month, and they are perfectly healthy with no needs the rest of the time, then it won't be awarded.

"To be entitled to the enhanced rate, you need to score at least 12 points. In the PIP assessment, a descriptor will apply to you if it reflects your ability for the majority of days (ie on over half of them). This is considered over a 12-month period; looking back three months and forward nine months."

www.disabilityrightsuk.org/sites/default/files/pdf/PIPGuidetoclaiming24october%202018.pdf

If condition is variable you need to say so and explain the difference and how many days are affected. Be very thorough and descriptive. Emphasising only the bad days is very risky.

Oops, didn't see your update OP, good luck!

I sympathise with your partner, but he needs to contribute at least to cover his own keep. The school aged children’s father could also be asked to step up.i kind of agree that you could explain to 18 yr old that they need to work and save this summer, and also get fixed up with a termtime job. You need to spread the load a bit my dear, if you get sick this whole house of cards comes tumbling down.

To be fair if CP was working all day then a lot more would presumably be needing to be spent on childcare for the 2yo. Sounds like he looks after him while OP works or funds a playgroup which (assuming here) is probably not that expensive but may not do the sort of hours that would be needed if both mum and dad were working FT.
Similarly if he were working FT who would transport the children to school? Would more money need to be spent there?

So when you were running his business all the money was going to him and he refused to support your kids? Even though you were the one going to work? Have I read that right?
And when he worked full time he sort of contributed?
And now he pays nothing, not even towards his own child, but gets annoyed at paying petrol to drop your kids to school - because you know, you're at work.
If he's working 4 hours a day and putting the baby in playgroup where's the money from work?

Sorry op but I think you're wrong, I don't think he's a lovely man at all. What's so nice about watching someone work and slog and do everything on their own, whilst complaining about your own meagre contribution?

I'm worried that asking him for money for the bills etc will cause him stress
I actually laughed at this.
Why is he claiming to start a business but trying to claim PiP?
I’m sorry he’s a user, he won’t contribute, sees you and your kids as not being his responsibility.
Do not give him a penny in any way, time for him to shape up or ship out.