To only pay half the mortgage this month?

[TylwythTeg]

Long-time lurker, first time poster so please be gentle :) Although quite prepared to be told that I being unreasonable, I really can't see a way out of this situation.

I'll try and keep a back story brief...
I have a 2 yo ds with current partner and 2 dc with previous man, to whom I'm still married (separated since 2012). Dc spend every other weekend, and half the hols and one night a week during school terms with their Dad. He is self employed.

Current partner has a long-term significant health condition that limits what he can do on a daily basis, although some are better than others.
I have to do 99% of household related jobs and child stuff. Partner takes kids to school and picks them up on days we have them - about 250 miles a week. Partner us in the process of setting up a business so he can work, but currently contributes very little to the household income. He pays the occasional £10 food shop (bread, milk etc) if I have run out of cash and puts petrol in his car to take the dc to school.

I was until recently (about 6 months ago) giving him £300 per month to cover his personal bills. I had to stop because I couldn't afford to do it on top of paying the mortgage, bills, food, stuff for dc and I needed to buy a car to be able to get to work myself (had been sharing lifts for 7 months before).

So here's my AIBU... I have a really expensive month coming up - summer hols, eldest dc going to secondary school and middle dc needing new uniform too (albeit not much). Also I have an 18 yo ds from a further previous relationship who is going to uni in Sept and I need to pay some of his accommodation costs this month. AIBU to tell current partner that I can only pay half the bills/mortgage this month so I can afford everything else? He has some money in the bank which an investor has given him to start the business off and he has previously been supplementing his personal finances with money from his family. I'm worried that asking him for money for the bills etc will cause him stress as he'll have to find it from somewhere, but I also have no way of obtaining funds - I have no family to ask and do not want to get into debt by using a credit card etc. I have a good job and could manage financially on a monthly basis, but the dcs dad has reduced his maintenance payments month on month to nearly nothing as he's not earning much either. He will not contribute any more for uniforms, etc.

So, AIBU to think sod it, let the men in my life sort their own finances out whilst I make sure me and my dc are all ok?!

I'm sympathetic to a man who can't work because he's ill but he sounds feckless:

He sort of contributed when he worked FT

He doesn't want to support the DC that aren't his

He's burning through an investment loan

All sounds really unpleasant for you OP

I was until recently (about 6 months ago) giving him £300 per month to cover his personal bills.

This really amazes me that you were actually giving him spending money on top of everything else you were doing and contributing financially!

If your partner didn't appeal the PIP decision, by applying for the mandatory reconsideration, followed by tribunal, he should apply again, but use a disability advisor for help filling in the forms. About 60% of rejected claims, will be awarded PIP when the claimants go through to tribunal, and use an advisor. He can contact a charity for his condition, or speak to CAB.

Why did you say mortgage when it's rent? If it had been a mortgage you're paying, you could have contacted the provider to ask for a payment holiday, but you can't do that with rent, as a landlord is unlikely to allow you to go into arrears.

Partner can't touch the investment, it's for the business, but he could ask family. How long is it likely to take before the business is up and running, and he's earning enough profit to pay himself some wages?

You both need to sit down and talk about this, and you need to decide if he could do more, but is using his illness as a handy excuse.

@Catsandchardonnay - aha! You have found another bone of contention! I lived in the town where the children currently go to school, I then moved to a nearby town to accommodate my eldest son's situation and as I worked in original town, I dropped the children to school on my way to work.

I now work in the opposite direction so can't do the school run myself anymore. DC's dad says he doesn't want them to Move school and if us taking them to school is an issue, he'll move closer and they can live with him. Cp complains about having to spend money on petrol and the car upkeep taking them to school most days as they're in another town and they could go to a school in this town. I see his point tbh, but the other dad won't agree to a move! Damned if I do, damned if I don't it seems...

RubberTreePlant looking at the points system, I can see how it was thrown out, as he scored very low - maybe he was too honest?

Maybe, but it's more common for people to underestimate their needs if they view themselves as 'coping'. It's a depressing business to honestly assess how much impairment you're suffering.

If he's limited by his illness to the extent that he can't do household tasks and has had to switch to self-employment, on the face of it, he should qualify.

It might be worth getting a specialist adviser to double check it.

As far as the attitude he has that 'the other two dads should be paying', you need to sit him down and have a proper talk, with figures.

Is it possible that he's using that as a figleave because he's embarrassed that he can't contribute properly? Or is he just clueless about how CM works (doesn't work) in this country?

@TylwythTeg
This is a really difficult situation to be in. I have been in similar circumstances to your partner for a reasonable length of time - pretty much being wholly financially dependent on my husband, having an illness that prevented me from doing much more than sporadic part time work but not eligible for social security support.

You both need to sit down together and figure out how to move forward. It is difficult for you to be the sole earner and if your partner is anything like me it will be difficult for him to be financially dependent on you. It can have a massive strain on your relationship.

I know some people ultimately decide they cant financially support the other any more and either they live in separate houses but retain a romantic relationship or they break up entirely.

The other thing is that people in couples dont always have the same attitude to money and spending but they dont really address this. Either way it sounds like time for you to have a chat with your partner about how you feel.

@Motoko, yes he should apply again - he used CAB to apply the first time... chasing things and getting stuff done is not east for him, he's not very motivated most days... I've tried offering to help him get forms completed etc, but he rejects it.

Our landlord uses our rent to pay the mortgage is what I meant, rather than it being my mortgage, because I'm
Well aware that if our rent isn't paid in full, the landlord can't pay the mortgage (and neither should he be in that situation)

He could ask his family for help but they've done that a lot recently. His work is estate agency (probably outing but I think I'm past caring about that!) so he's put a couple of properties on the market and has had a small income from that which has allowed him to pay his own bills, car, phone, petrol etc.

As the father isn’t currently paying his way with regards to the kids why not let him have them for a bit? He can pay for them living in his home and sort out school runs, holiday clubs, etc etc.

Either he’ll agree to a school move when it gets hard or he’ll sort the kids out and take some of the costs on. Either way it helps you.

@NicciLovesSundays - you are quite right, I think all those dynamics come in to play here... I fear that sitting down and talking is long past though, we've tried and failed in that respect as we never come to an agreement. I have suggested counselling as a couple and mediation, but he won't agree to it. It has put a massive strain on our relationship, but we're
Plodding on!!

@GemmeFatale - that's actually a really good idea, and one I have considered, I have reservations about the children being there full time with his mental health issues though

I really am Going to cut the grass now... gosh, this thread is addictive, helpful and therapeutic - thank you all!

AIBU to think sod it, let the men in my life sort their own finances out whilst I make sure me and my dc are all ok?!

You’re unreasonable that it’s taken you this long and this many poor relationships to figure this out.

No. 1 priority each month should be keeping a roof over your children’s heads. If he has access to money, and isn’t prioritising the rent, you have a problem.

If his disability is so bad that he cannot work, he needs to appeal his PIP claim. If he’s able to work for himself, he’s able to work and should be job seeking.

3 relationships, 5 children, and you’re left doing 99% of the work? You’ve gone very wrong somewhere.

trouble is PIP is not assessed on what illness you have, but on what extra help you need from someone else to manage day to day - so if you manage your consdition yourself (like my family member who cannot work FT and has a genetic life limiting, progressive disease) you dont qualify. whereas with DLA it was based on how sick you were and what illness you had

Do you still work in your partners franchise? Am I correct in thinking you say you worked there FT and then gave him all the money, so you were doing either 2 jobs, or working so that he had a wage?? that doesnt seem very fair but I can see how you may have been persuaded to do so to stop it going under?

Are you still working there? or has that business gone bust?

And your CP is angry about putting some petrol in the car to not disrupt the childrens schooling?? this isnt good OP. He is getting full home and board. He chose to make a family with you, those kids are part of that. Im afraid I see some big red flags flapping here

Your previous reference to not wanting to make him stressed suggests his illness may be a mental health one? How soon after he moved in did this happen. Does it affect him doing stuff he wants to do in any way?

No YANBU to ask your partner that lives with you to contribute half the bills. You've been handing over £300 a month to help him cover his bills, the least he can do is return the favour!

whereas with DLA it was based on how sick you were and what illness you had

No it wasn't.

Both PIP and DLA are based on needs (met an unmet).

Met AND unmet^

The more you write about your partner, the more I despair.

OP you poor thing, no wonder you are stressed out.
Re the Uni accommodation fees, I regularly struggled to pay the full term up front (as they demand in their letter). A phone call to the student accommodation office can help you agree and arrange an alternative as they understand how money/cash flow works in real life. The uni are not short of the money, many students rely on grants, loans, have cash flow pressures so means they are lenient as long as you discuss it with them.
Definitely worth one telephone call to ask- could mean you have the money to pay your mortgage after all and get your head above water longer term.
I ended up on first name terms with the accommodation lady, ended up paying my accomodation fees after the year had ended. I gave her a box of chocs and a thank you card. The next year started, I had the same problem, when I walked into her office my thank you card was pinned to her notice board ( I don't think anyone had ever given her one before) , we chatted and it was no problem to make the same arrangement again.
One phone call OP. It could change everything for you. Good luck xx

trouble is PIP is not assessed on what illness you have, but on what extra help you need......

. ....whereas with DLA it was based on how sick you were and what illness you had

That's not the case at all.

Can you talk to your ex about struggling with costs of school uniform and costs linked to other child re. Uni (assuming that child is his-I'm confused). Those costs could be picked up by the children's father on this occasion and leaving you enough money for the mortgage.

Haven't rtft, but these few things immediately come to mind:

1. Current DP needs to look seriously into generating income for the family. How often is the 2yo going to playgroup, and does DP earn more than the costs of the group when the DC is there? If not, it is an unaffordable luxury I'm afraid.
2. Use a benefits calculator to check what you're entitled to (www.entitledto.co.uk) is a good one. DH and I earn 46k in total before tax, childcare bill of £850 a month for 1 DC and we get £300 universal credit.
3. Are you both aware of the precariousness of DP's situation, considering you are still married to a previous partner? Your current DP isn't your next of kin - previous partner is. If anything happened to you, he would have no rights and not inherit anything.
4. Would finalising a divorce make it easier to get your previous partner to contribute?

His work is estate agency (probably outing but I think I'm past caring about that!) so he's put a couple of properties on the market and has had a small income from that which has allowed him to pay his own bills, car, phone, petrol etc.

Do you mean he's a landlord?

Also, if he has money for bills, car, phone, petrol, then how come he :
a) can't afford to contribute to the house
b) needs £300 a month spending money from you?!

Our landlord uses our rent to pay the mortgage is what I meant, rather than it being my mortgage, because I'm Well aware that if our rent isn't paid in full, the landlord can't pay the mortgage (and neither should he be in that situation)

But it changes the advice you can be given, and you're going to get people only reading the first post (which has already happened) and replying about the mortgage.

Most landlords use the rent they receive to pay the mortgage.

Anyway, after you've added more about your partner, I'm thinking you would be better off if he moves out. You don't have to split up, but him staying with you, is financially unviable, you can't afford to live together.
Plus he doesn't seem to realise that he's taken your children on as part of the package. My husband paid for a lot of the costs of my child by my ex, because he knew we came as a package, yet your partner is complaining about having to pay anything for your children, even though he's not contributing towards any other costs.

I'm worried that asking him for money for the bills etc will cause him stress

Your DP has money from his family, money from his investor, until 6 months ago you were paying him a salary to live under your roof ... GOOD GRIEF! - what about YOUR stress?

DP needs to step up & start paying half the mortgage & half the bills.

I'm also not buying DC's lameness in reducing his contributions toward his children, & suggest you get onto the CMS about that.

Absolutely gobsmacked by your DP's attitude to work & shared costs. You don't need a kept man - you need him to start paying his way like an adult, or to love out & at least save you the cost of feeding him.

Really glad to read that you have a good job. Yes, 100% you should focus on you & the DC's & let these man-babies in your life grow up.