I've just had a row with DH for rough handling DS, 18 months.

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Regular MN but I've name changed for the purpose of the thread.

I've just had a row with DH for rough handling DS, 18 months. He was changing his bum on the changing mat and DS was twisting and squirming as they do, DH sort of lifted his legs to turn his body back straight and 'dragged' him back down in an inpatient way hissing "don't make it difficult!"

I'm probably not describing it well as I'm running on adrenaline at the moment and rush typing, but the point is he was rough and inpatient.

I was livid and immediately addressed it saying "don't you ever do that to him, ever"

DH immediately became defensive and began acting petulant "fine I just wont touch him at all then"

I replied that he shouldn't be man handling a toddler and I'm furious because this is the second time I've addressed his impatience and rough handling of DS and told him if I ever witnessed anything of the sort again he would be out.

Cue more defensive tantrum like stomping about, then he accused me of calling him a "child abuser" which I didn't but if the shoe fits..

He's now in a foul mood because he feels as though he has been attacked (verbally by me) for addressing it. He eventually admitted he could have been alot gentler, but still hasn't dropped his defensive woe is me routine. He's bringing up earlier unrelated arguments where I've said he's behaved badly, and saying I'm labelling him thick and all sorts.

Again the words never left my mouth.

This is fucking bad isn't it, tell me I'm not overreacting.

I don't think I even understand the first incident; he got the baby out of the bouncer and onto his knee too quickly. Yeah, ok. I'm fairly sure I moved the baby too quickly by mistake once or twice when mine was little, DH too. Both of us have certainly said "hey, be gentle" to each other and that was that. It's very hard because you'd need to see the incident to know if it's an over-reaction by OP or not.

I like to change DS on the rotating stool, particularly for poo nappies, pull-ups since 9 months as he liked undoing nappy tabs. We spin him round and round so he knows he wants to stay on there. It looks horribly dangerous, but he's only rolled off without being caught once and was fine, just a little knee bump. You do what you have to. He misbehaves more for DH, who has to pin him down a bit more than I do, which I think is because I'm quicker so he figures he'll get it out of the way. I've also pulled him into place by his ankles though, it doesn't hurt him to pull evenly, in fact he usually starts giggling because he knows he gets a tickle after getting back on his mat (it buys a few more seconds).

The main thing that makes me think OP is over-anxious is that these are the only incidents in 18 months. He isn't seemingly getting angry in general; banging cupboards, shouting etc. OP - think hard about how he is with you, at work, driving etc - if he has an issue with anger or suppressed rage then surely you would see it in other situations? If you have then come back, some of us might change our answers. Otherwise I think you're being a little over-protective; a cautionary "Hey, do you think that was a bit fast / hard? Do you want some help?" can be gently said to prompt more calm without creating all the drama.

I am very protective over DS, he's going through assessments and help for autism. He's totally non verbal, has no understanding and struggles alot on a daily basis which means constant meltdowns.

The meltdowns can be frustrating I know that.

I think I try too hard to wrap him in cotton wool because I don't want him to know anything other than love and patience but I'm going to try and be less precious.

I've been known to swear under my breath and leave the room on occasion so I'm far from perfect.

DH knows I'm sorry.

Keep an eye on himOP, he's clearly got form for aggression and I imagine it will escalate as your son gets older.

Just what are you supposed to wait for to not be over reacting? A broken leg? Back? what?? Once is an accident but he keeps doing it so he's deliberately ill treating the baby.

More ludicrous overreactions. 🙄

This seems about right.

Again OP, pull up nappies. The way forward for you all.

PTSD can be due to an unrelated trauma. Birth is just the trigger.

Wrt 'feeding the OP's anxiety' - I don't think the OP is as flaky as some seem to believe she is.

I agree with the comments to the effect that if you would have second thoughts about keeping on a CM or nanny behaving as the H did, then what he did was not acceptable.

The H is going to have to learn to deal with a possibly non verbal DS who may have all sorts of struggles as he grows up - he is already having a very difficult time - and who may present all sorts of practical and emotional challenges to his parents.

It's not on to hiss at this child or to display any other signs of anger or to take out any frustrations on him.

If anything, the OP's last post wrt the autism assessments and the fact that the DS is non verbal and possibly autistic make the H's reaction to his wriggling even more of a worry.

It could be an impulse reaction based on a suppressed memory of a learned behaviour he has from childhood. Perhaps his parents/caregivers had little patience for him or were very controlling. Maybe he is overwhelmed by your DS and life combined and doesn't know how to deal with his feelings. Some counselling might help. I hope you work things out together and it doesn't happen again.

Sounds like every single nappy change I do to be honest. Kid squirms, screams, tries to get away. I drag him gently back down trying to hold his legs so he doesn’t get poop everywhere. Next.

I think you're over reacting. Especially my middle child had to be physically restrained for everything and manhandled into pushchairs, car seats, clothes etc. We would never have left the house otherwise.

I made my peace with him before I went to sleep last night, I went over for a hug and reassured him that I think he's a good man and good dad and I didn't mean to make him feel as though he was under a spot light. I was wrong on this occasion.

I think that is key, it's natural that you will be protective over your child, and yes, you I'll overreact at things the same as your husband will. But if you are both willing to admit when it's happened, apologies and move on, I think it will be a great for your relationship, after all you are a team and supporting each other and understanding is so important.

...lifted his legs to turn his body back straight and 'dragged' him back down in an inpatient way hissing "don't make it difficult!"

SuzieQQQ
How is that in any way like 'I drag him gently back down trying to hold his legs so he doesn’t get poop everywhere.'
Do you hiss too?