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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've just had a row with DH for rough handling DS, 18 months.

137 replies

Privacysettingss · 21/07/2019 22:06

Regular MN but I've name changed for the purpose of the thread.

I've just had a row with DH for rough handling DS, 18 months. He was changing his bum on the changing mat and DS was twisting and squirming as they do, DH sort of lifted his legs to turn his body back straight and 'dragged' him back down in an inpatient way hissing "don't make it difficult!"

I'm probably not describing it well as I'm running on adrenaline at the moment and rush typing, but the point is he was rough and inpatient.

I was livid and immediately addressed it saying "don't you ever do that to him, ever"

DH immediately became defensive and began acting petulant "fine I just wont touch him at all then"

I replied that he shouldn't be man handling a toddler and I'm furious because this is the second time I've addressed his impatience and rough handling of DS and told him if I ever witnessed anything of the sort again he would be out.

Cue more defensive tantrum like stomping about, then he accused me of calling him a "child abuser" which I didn't but if the shoe fits..

He's now in a foul mood because he feels as though he has been attacked (verbally by me) for addressing it. He eventually admitted he could have been alot gentler, but still hasn't dropped his defensive woe is me routine. He's bringing up earlier unrelated arguments where I've said he's behaved badly, and saying I'm labelling him thick and all sorts.

Again the words never left my mouth.

This is fucking bad isn't it, tell me I'm not overreacting.

OP posts:
InsertFunnyUsername · 21/07/2019 22:33

Hmm im not sure, easy to shout DH is BU. Then i remember how difficult my DD can be during nappy change, like fighting a chimp with one hand.

It depends, was it a slam into the mat grip then YANBU.

If it was holding on to his legs and a fgs stay still for a moment situation then YABU and i would feel defensive too.

BrutusMcDogface · 21/07/2019 22:33

Yabu. You are massively overreacting.

BackforGood · 21/07/2019 22:34

YABU and over reacting.
Obviously we can only go on what you have described, but, from that description, he has done what every paretns of a wriggly toddler does in those circumstances - moved the wriggler back into a position where he can get the nappy on.

InsertFunnyUsername · 21/07/2019 22:34

Also not man handling a toddler ever? I thought the rugby ball position was quite handy Blush

flametrees · 21/07/2019 22:38

I think you nailed it with he is a big guy and might hurt him I unintentionally.
Say that. Don't accuse him.

AnnabelleBronstein · 21/07/2019 22:38

Massive over reaction on your part. I feel quite sorry for your husband, I would be deeply hurt by what you’ve inferred.

HeadintheiClouds · 21/07/2019 22:38

Huge over reaction.

LegionOfDoom · 21/07/2019 22:38

You’re massively overreacting. I had to manhandle my twin a volume of times. They just can’t ever stay still. Changing nappies was annoying and time consuming for me. I’ve had to grab them a couple of times to stop them falling off the table. Especially in public bathrooms where they have hard floors

LadyRannaldini · 21/07/2019 22:39

I wouldn't allow him to change, bathe or do anything for the child, you can do it all perfectly, alone, forever!
At 18 months ours loved a bit of being thrown about.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/07/2019 22:39

Well at least he didn’t swear, which you admit you did. And you can’t just walk away from a squirming toddler on a changing mat can you. You just have to get the job done and saying “don’t make it difficult” isn’t a patch on for fucks sake. Stop hovering over him and remember no one’s perfect.

EAIOU · 21/07/2019 22:40

Mines is 7 months and have to wrestle her into a changing position. The toy distraction has lost its effectiveness and now she just wants to roll away everywhere so I do have her feet and turn her body back round the way not aggressively but quickly to get her changed else I would literally have to let her go nappy free.

What happened the last time?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 21/07/2019 22:40

I think it would be more useful to talk about strategies for managing nappy changes- distraction, songs and games, toys kept only for nappy changing time, for example.
We used Uppy The (toy) Puppy, who was only available when the nappy needed to be changed, and even the worst of our toddlers would climb onto their bed and lie down for Uppy Time. Uppy "sang" and told stupid jokes and sometimes it was tedious for us, but it was better than trying to wrestle a shitty-arsed toddler and forcibly clean him up. (I had severe pelvic pain when 3 of out of 4 of our kids were toddlers, so we had to do something so I could cope when their dad was at work).

Original poster
Privacysettingss · 21/07/2019 22:41

To answer a PP about the first incident. The first time was when DS was alot younger and still using his bouncer, a few months old. I was in the bath and he wasn't settling. I could hear him screaming so i got out of the bath to come and help and as i did I saw DH yank/drag him out of the bouncer and angrily plonk him down on his knee at a speed and force I wasn't comfortable with for such a young baby who couldn't support his own head. This incident i am absolutely sure that my instincts were right, it was out of order and dangerous.

I was shocked/upset and DH become tearful and said he was depressed. I said he was to see his doctor otherwise he has to leave. I didn't leave DS alone with him for a very long time after that.

Then this happened tonight.

I agree maybe I have over reacted about what's just happened, but subconsciously I don't think I've ever forgotten the first incident which may have made me ultra sensitive to any perceived loss of control.

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 21/07/2019 22:42

he didn’t intend to hurt the child and regardless of whatever the man-hating mumsnetters say

Very inflammatory comment. Why? And why the strange but common insistence that lack of intention necessarily negates end result? It doesn't. And that's granting that on this occasion there was no obvious physical harm done.

OP, you have a legitimate reason for your concern and YANBU in raising this with him. It's possible that both his response to you and your veiled suggestion of child abuse (albeit only on this site) were overreactions. But I don't think anyone here can tell you for certain whether this is the case. We didn't witness the event. Was the type of general nappy-wrestle that all parents have, was DH was disproportionately rough with DS, was it coming from a place of anger, was DH was frustrated with DS and physically disproportionate with him?

Only you know the answers to these questions. But I would be concerned that borne of his anger with you - possibly because he knows you're right - he's stating things in defence of his actions that you never said, and by the whole measure of his response.

I'd be inclined to step back from this one, sleep on it, and reconsider your concerns when in a calmer, more objective state.

Flowers
HennyPennyHorror · 21/07/2019 22:42

How is DH in general life? Is he functioning ok?

VladmirsPoutine · 21/07/2019 22:45

I think whilst you're over-reacting it is the normal reaction iyswim? As in I wouldn't expect you to say "Oh that was wonderful". You're being protective - that's your job. That aside, I think there are wider issues in the way you and your husband argue. It doesn't sound constructive at all and ends up in worse recrimination. That's what you both need to address - your way of communicating, dare I say arguing. FWIW I don't know any parent that hasn't at one point or another had to wrestle a toddler into a nappy/jacket/shoes/whatever.

Original poster
Privacysettingss · 21/07/2019 22:47

He's been perfect since that incident when DS was young, he got help for depression and has been nothing short of a good father ever since but I've never forgotten it.

He's just said he reacted badly to the criticism because it reminded him of the other incident before and he felt ashamed

OP posts:
BandsAndBeer · 21/07/2019 22:50

My MO when I've ever gotten frustrated is to remove myself from the situation and take a breather.

Even mid nappy change? Because I think my MO mid nappy change would have looked a lot more like your husband's that any kind of removing myself from the situation!

GibbonLover · 21/07/2019 22:52

Hang on a minute...a man changed a nappy? Shock

Only joking, I know that's sexist! Seriously though, cut him some slack.

he accused me of calling him a "child abuser" which I didn't but if the shoe fits

To be fair, that's probably how you made him feel - like he was physically abusive to his own son. Just as an aside, this is NOT child abuse and implying that what he did WAS child abuse is out of order.

Sunshine93 · 21/07/2019 22:52

I've read both descriptions of the events and clearly you have a very strong sense that dh is in the wrong but i am struggling from your descriptions to totally agree. Your relatuonship with dH seems to be the issue here. I wonder if threatening to leave him when you saw him do that was entirely fair. I think saying calmly that you felt he was rougher than necessary and please could he not do that again seems more reasonable and proportionate, discuss the fact that perhaps he doesnt know his own strength. The fact that you didn't leave your baby alone for months with his own daddy is very sad and the fact that he confided in you that he is depressed and yet you have threatened him again with kicking him out just seems so odd.

Your responses seem disproportionate

BandsAndBeer · 21/07/2019 22:53

Was the type of general nappy-wrestle that all parents have, was DH was disproportionately rough with DS, was it coming from a place of anger, was DH was frustrated with DS and physically disproportionate with him?

I think his use of the words "don't make it difficult" (rather than anything aggression filled) probably point to the former. And who hasn't pulled their 18 month old back onto the changing mat by their legs and hissed something (suggesting it was under his breath)?

Original poster
Privacysettingss · 21/07/2019 22:53

I appreciate the perspective thank you

I've apologised to him and said I'm sorry if I thought I was implying he was being abusive, I don't think for one second he would ever intentionally hurt him.

If it weren't for the history I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have said anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Privacysettingss · 21/07/2019 22:55

I didn't threaten to leave him over tonight's incident, I said that after this first time and I would have been just to do so under them circumstances back then before he addressed the depression.

OP posts:
jacks11 · 21/07/2019 22:55

Ok OP- from the description given I think you did over react. You didn’t say your DH abused your child, but the way you described what happened I can see why he may have felt you implied it. Though, if you do genuinely think there is a problem with the way he deals with your child then you need to fa e up to that completely.

If you do think you over-reacted (not to say that he behaved perfectly), then I think you do need address that as well as your dislike of DH’s way of handling your child. Otherwise, this will just keep festering for both of you.

I think most parents have done something they’ve later regretted. Most of the time it should not continually be brought back up. One day you may do something too. If you genuinely think your DH is a danger to your child you need to do something about it (i.e. he leaves until/if you are satisfied he no longer poses a threat).