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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've just had a row with DH for rough handling DS, 18 months.

137 replies

Privacysettingss · 21/07/2019 22:06

Regular MN but I've name changed for the purpose of the thread.

I've just had a row with DH for rough handling DS, 18 months. He was changing his bum on the changing mat and DS was twisting and squirming as they do, DH sort of lifted his legs to turn his body back straight and 'dragged' him back down in an inpatient way hissing "don't make it difficult!"

I'm probably not describing it well as I'm running on adrenaline at the moment and rush typing, but the point is he was rough and inpatient.

I was livid and immediately addressed it saying "don't you ever do that to him, ever"

DH immediately became defensive and began acting petulant "fine I just wont touch him at all then"

I replied that he shouldn't be man handling a toddler and I'm furious because this is the second time I've addressed his impatience and rough handling of DS and told him if I ever witnessed anything of the sort again he would be out.

Cue more defensive tantrum like stomping about, then he accused me of calling him a "child abuser" which I didn't but if the shoe fits..

He's now in a foul mood because he feels as though he has been attacked (verbally by me) for addressing it. He eventually admitted he could have been alot gentler, but still hasn't dropped his defensive woe is me routine. He's bringing up earlier unrelated arguments where I've said he's behaved badly, and saying I'm labelling him thick and all sorts.

Again the words never left my mouth.

This is fucking bad isn't it, tell me I'm not overreacting.

OP posts:
Excited101 · 21/07/2019 22:55

You are being MASSIVELY unreasonable. Give your dp a break.

Gatehouse77 · 21/07/2019 22:56

For 2 incidents over 18 months I think you’re overreacting.

There have been times when I’ve man-handled mine which is not something I’m proud of but, equally, I don’t beat myself up over either. Sometimes it’s been for their own safety, because I’m already in a bad mood (for any reason), because I’ve done the reasoning and it’s got me nowhere, etc. On occasion DH has pulled me up on it. And it works the other way too, I’ve pulled him up on it. We say sorry and move on.

If this was a repeated, constant state then I would be concerned.

Original poster
Privacysettingss · 21/07/2019 22:56

He could have seriously injured DS the first time, not out of malice but a momentary loss of control. I accept the two incidents are very different and that I've over reacted on this occasion.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 21/07/2019 22:57

The way your op reads that you told him he would be out after tonight’s incident.....

MagicMojito · 21/07/2019 22:58

Honestly,, if DH would have commented on my parenting trying to wrestle any of DDS during a nappy change, he'd have gotten a firm "fuck off" from me, I'd expect the same the other way around too 🤷

Wait til you've had to wrap them in a towel whilst they are kicking and screaming trying to get away whilst you try to brush their teeth Grin. That was a shocker for me, but needs must sometimes! Shock

ThorsMistress · 21/07/2019 22:58

YABU trying to change my 10 month olds nappy is a chore in itself. It took me 20 minutes to get a fresh one on this morning and by the end of it I did have to place my hand on his tummy to stop him rolling over! I have also had to pull him back before he crawls off pissing all over my carpet 😩

Original poster
Privacysettingss · 21/07/2019 23:00

I feel tremendous guilty now, I've just sat and apologised profusely. Thank you for talking some sense into me as I posted in anger.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 21/07/2019 23:00

A massive over reaction?

Men don't know their own strength, if a bone had been accidentally broken I don't think social services would think it was an over reaction.

These things happen and families are broken apart by it. Your DH shouldn't be handling him if he can't control his temper.

Sunshine93 · 21/07/2019 23:00

You said and told him if I ever witnessed anything of the sort again he would be out

If my dh said that to me and i didn't feel my behaviour was wrong i would struggle to stay with him after that. For him to consider me a danger to my own child would be hard to live with.

But remember if you do kick him out he will still have a right to regular access with your son.

MiniMum97 · 21/07/2019 23:02

I think you are overreacting too. Nothing wrong with being firm with a wriggling child. And what he said doesn't sound that bad at all.

Sunshine93 · 21/07/2019 23:02

Men don't know their own strength
What sexist nonsense

if a bone had been accidentally broken I don't think social services would think it was an over reaction
Absolutely true but completely irrelevant

Timandra · 21/07/2019 23:03

OP, I think it depends on how excessive the force was that he used. It's not really possible to communicate that on here so everyone is making their own judgement and responding accordingly.

I would feel very uncomfortable seeing anyone using more force than was necessary to control a child. Your instinct that it was inappropriate was clearly very strong. I wouldn't be too quick to dismiss it.

Biancadelrioisback · 21/07/2019 23:04

OP youve got one hell of a long road ahead of you if you can't move past one incident from over a year ago.
And the child is 50% his, you can't dictate everything. If you do kick him out or leave, he won't stop being the child's father and will spend alone time with him.
You need to learn to trust your partner, if you can't then it's time you rethink your relationship.

Sunshine93 · 21/07/2019 23:05

Op i cross posted with you. Well done for reflecting on your reaction. It seems clear that the earlier event has made you overreact on this occasion.

As you say he made a mistake when your ds was tiny and he was too rough but there was no malice intended and it' fairly clear that this incident today was totally seperate and fairly normal.

I hope you manage to get through this as a couple.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 21/07/2019 23:06

I think some couples counselling would really help OP.

It sounds to me like you have fallen into a trap of you policing DH with your DS because you dont trust him. That's not fair on either of you. You need to get to a place where you co-parent happily. That will always mean you having to accept that DH will do things differently to how you do them. But it seems to me that at the moment you are on high alert and that is bound to affect your DH.

AlexaAmbidextra · 21/07/2019 23:06

You’re overreacting. Eighteen month old toddlers are very robust. So he pulled his legs to get him into position. You’re acting as if your DH picked up the child by the feet and swung him head first into the wall. I think my reaction to you would have been similar to your DH, like fuck it, do it yourself then. You are VVU to imply that your DH is a child abuser.

ColaFreezePop · 21/07/2019 23:09

I actually tell my 10 month old to "come back" and "you can't run away you need your nappy changed". But then I have a problem with calling children "difficult" when they simply don't understand they need something done. So I actually see why you were upset before the update.

You need to go for couples counseling with your DH as there is a loss of trust between you and anything he does in reaction to your son's behaviour will trigger panic in you then he's going to harm him.

MegaClutterSlut · 21/07/2019 23:11

I think over reaction too. I regularly had to pin down the dcs to change their bum or but them in their buggy. Changing a toddler can be a right pain in the arse

Ravingstarfish · 21/07/2019 23:11

It’s so nice to see you’ve calmed down.
It is frustrating when a toddler won’t lie still for nappy change and sometimes you do have to twist/pull/sit on them.
Do you think you’re generally over protective? The first incident was something you wasn’t happy with but obviously baby wasn’t hurt so although you think he could be gentler maybe you’re too overprotective?

justasking111 · 21/07/2019 23:12

They can be a nightmare at this age. One of mine I could not use the changing table because he would have wriggled off it we had to do changing on the floor. My OH was pretty firm on occasion.

IncrediblySadToo · 21/07/2019 23:13

Well as you’ve apologised profusely I won’t say too much but yes you massively over reacted BOTH times. Your poor DH.

MagicMojito · 21/07/2019 23:13

Don't feel too bad OP I'm pretty sure that every person on this thread has unduly worried a bit too much when it comes to the safety of their kids at one point or another.

Parenting is an absolute minefield Brew Cake

Wildernessgarden · 21/07/2019 23:14

We've all had moments of less than perfect parenting. But I would feel bad if I'd manhandled my child because I lost my patience. It would bother me if someone reacted in a defensive way rather than feeling remorseful/reflective.

Cyrusc · 21/07/2019 23:16

I'm in the minority but I don't think you overreacted. YWBU to apologise profusely to him! I've pulled my DH up on similar so I can completely see why you were angry with him. Keep an eye on himOP, he's clearly got form for aggression and I imagine it will escalate as your son gets older.

Yeahnahmum · 21/07/2019 23:20

I think we have all manhandled (?) Our kids/babies at one stage. Your reaction is ott by 100. Even that first incident. Probably just looked way worse then it actually was.

One day you will find yourself manhandling your kid. And that is ok (to a certain degree of course haha) my kid was kicking and screaming for 2 y e a r s when changing the nappy. I def manhandled him a few times because god that was s o f frustrating . No my proudest moments no. But understandable (and kid was fine
Didn't even cry)

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