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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've just had a row with DH for rough handling DS, 18 months.

137 replies

Privacysettingss · 21/07/2019 22:06

Regular MN but I've name changed for the purpose of the thread.

I've just had a row with DH for rough handling DS, 18 months. He was changing his bum on the changing mat and DS was twisting and squirming as they do, DH sort of lifted his legs to turn his body back straight and 'dragged' him back down in an inpatient way hissing "don't make it difficult!"

I'm probably not describing it well as I'm running on adrenaline at the moment and rush typing, but the point is he was rough and inpatient.

I was livid and immediately addressed it saying "don't you ever do that to him, ever"

DH immediately became defensive and began acting petulant "fine I just wont touch him at all then"

I replied that he shouldn't be man handling a toddler and I'm furious because this is the second time I've addressed his impatience and rough handling of DS and told him if I ever witnessed anything of the sort again he would be out.

Cue more defensive tantrum like stomping about, then he accused me of calling him a "child abuser" which I didn't but if the shoe fits..

He's now in a foul mood because he feels as though he has been attacked (verbally by me) for addressing it. He eventually admitted he could have been alot gentler, but still hasn't dropped his defensive woe is me routine. He's bringing up earlier unrelated arguments where I've said he's behaved badly, and saying I'm labelling him thick and all sorts.

Again the words never left my mouth.

This is fucking bad isn't it, tell me I'm not overreacting.

OP posts:
BlackSwan · 22/07/2019 06:10

I don't think you're BU. He needs to chill the fuck out. Your son is a baby. Would this be acceptable behaviour from a nanny, grandparent or anyone else. Absolutely not.
Given his comment about not touching your son at all then.., I would say he's looking for excuses to abdicate his responsibilities.

I'm with you 100%. I know this kind of guy.

GPatz · 22/07/2019 06:24

'....and has been nothing short of a good father ever since but I've never forgotten it'.

Or forgiven him by the sounds of it. I imagine it's very difficult for your DH to parent alongside you.

Starfish85 · 22/07/2019 06:38

I'm not at all surprised you reacted this way considering the first incident.

The first incident when your DS was a baby was bad and could have caused real harm. I can see how that would influence they way you saw this behaviour.

I don't think you need to profusely apologise, but acknowledging that your reaction was affected by the previous incident sounds very sensible. It's good that your DH has also done that.

Parenting is hard and part of the teamwork is being able to say when the other parent has overstepped. For the sake of my DC I hope my DH would always do the same with me.

MilkLady02 · 22/07/2019 06:39

I agree with blackswan I think if you wouldn’t accept it from a carer/childminder etc... then it’s not acceptable to do it as a parent. Only you and your DH were there so you have to make that decision. Ask him if he would be happy for someone else to treat his DS that way, and see what his response is.

CatteStreet · 22/07/2019 06:41

I do see where mathanxiety is coming from, but from what we have to go on here I still think it's overstating the case - and yes, feeding the OP's anxiety - to suggest this is an incident of serious abuse waiting to happen. I don't think 'don't make it difficult' is beyond the bounds of normal parental frustration. I've had these moments of 'ascribing malice' even though I know it's not so. They're tiny moments of frustration release.

Re the first incident, I do wonder what a baby that couldn't support his head was doing in a bouncer?

OP, if he listened and learned from the first incident (which I agree isn't great and isn't nothing), which he seems to have done, you can't have him on probation forever - he needs to be allowed normal parental slack, whixh does encompass the sort of handling you were talking about the second time, now and again. (Of course it's not OK if it's his usual way of doing it). I do wonder what made you jump straight to threats to leave the first time, as while the incident was unacceptable I would have addressed it a lot more calmly as a one-off. I agree with a PP that you may both benefit from couples therapy exploring the parenting 'roles' you have assumed.

Oysterbabe · 22/07/2019 06:47

I've done this so many times.

Jinglejanglefish · 22/07/2019 06:54

I can't believe no one has asked this yet but was your son actually hurt? Did he cry?

My ten month old spends a lot of time crawling around with bare bum because I just get her nappy off before she flips over and crawls away. When we have been in a rush or going out I have tried to pull her back in to place so I can get the clean one on.

Also, if you think 'you don't manhandle a toddler' you've got some surprises coming.

Juells · 22/07/2019 06:56

Good job I wasn't married to the OP when my eldest was a toddler, she'd have brought me to the police :( Seriously, changing a wriggling child's nappy can try anyone's patience, I'd have been dragging him back down by the legs as well. Some women are martyrs themselves, and think everyone else should be a martyr as well.

Dmacka75 · 22/07/2019 06:58

@CatteStreet I think she meant a bouncy chair, not a jumperoo type bouncer

pepsimax20bigger · 22/07/2019 07:00

Op I was going to ask, was your child actually hurt in either of these incidents? Did he cry out in pain?

NeatFreakMama · 22/07/2019 07:01

YABU toddlers squirm and if you go immediately to thinking he's abusive and you want 'him out' then he's bound to get defensive. You're both parents and both probably doing your best, toddlers are frsutrating.

TheSheepofWallSt · 22/07/2019 07:05

The other day my almost three year old ran out into a busy main road whilst we were waiting at a bus stop. He’s not a bolter generally. He had a tantrum, fought free of me, and deliberately ran into the road (the tantrum started when I said he couldn’t stand so close to the edge of the path).

Yes I manhandled him. I dragged him back into the bus shelter and held him very firmly on my lap while he kicked and screamed. It must have looked AWFUL to a passer by. I also shouted at him to calm down (very counterproductively)- because I was fucking terrified he’d be killed if he escaped again and my adrenaline was through the roof. And he cried that I scared him.

It was my absolute worst ever public parenting moment. I was mortified. But I’m also a human being. I apologised to my son after for shouting, and explained it was fear that made me shout etc etc. Explained the feelings. Explained the road safety stuff (again). Reassured him I love him.

OP the point is - I’m a human being. Im generally a gentle parent. I’m also an anxious parent who grew up in an abusive home and am easily triggered by aggression myself. Despite all of this, there are moments when toddlers test our patience and grace like nothing else. It will be a long long road to your child’s adulthood if you expect 100% perfection from your husband - and yourself.

Eaudear · 22/07/2019 07:13

You can do it without thinking at the back of your mind that the toddler is deliberately trying to make it difficult for you. This man hissed, 'Don't make it difficult'. He hissed.

OMG he hissed......Shock

So what?

Eaudear · 22/07/2019 07:15

What about manhandling them into the buggy or carseat because you have to be somewhere and they are refusing to sit in it?

MissB83 · 22/07/2019 07:20

I think a bit of firmness holding down an 18 month old is necessary because they can squirm a lot and risk banging their head on things sometimes?
Obviously getting cross isn't ideal but we are all human.
There is a difference between rough handling to be malicious and using a firm hand because toddler is wriggling, your DH (and probably you) will know which it was?
Also - could you start with nappy pants with your son? It's changed nappy time for us, so much easier! misses point of thread

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 22/07/2019 07:21

Unfortunately the odd bit of man handling comes with the territory - god knows DC has thrown some awful strops about getting in the car seat and has to be held pretty firmly

At 18 months why not move on to pull ups and stop changing him lying down - presumably he is standing on his own and maybe even walking?

Aridane · 22/07/2019 07:26

Over reaction - glad you've apologised

londonrach · 22/07/2019 07:51

Yabu. I sometimes have to pin my toddler down but ive a duty of care to her to make her comfortable and doing it with love. I dont know a single mum or dad who hasnt had to pin a toddler down for this reason.

Veryouting123 · 22/07/2019 08:01

YABU about the second incident. Nappy wrestling is definitely a thing and actually I think "don't make it difficult" was a lot more controlled than what some other parents have probably muttered - myself included probably!

However, I can understand that the first incident was the cause for your overreaction.

I'm glad you've spoken and moved on from this.

00100001 · 22/07/2019 08:02

@ColaFreezePop, her DH didn't call the child difficult though, he said: "don't make it difficult!"

Which is not the same thing...

A bit like the difference between "you're a naughty child" and "your behaviour is naughty"

Namechangedonceagain · 22/07/2019 08:21

I think you're overreacting. He didn't hurt him, he just dragged him back to continue doing what needed doing. I'd be offended if I were him too. I think most people have 'dragged' a struggling toddler once or twice, hardly crime of the century

SoundsAboutRight · 22/07/2019 08:43

So your DH didn't behave quite the way you would have done TWICE in 18 months? The child wasn't hurt in anyway either time? YABU, he is a great dad and I am glad you have aplogised to him.

Can you (or anyone else for that matter), hand on heart, tell me that in 18 months you have NEVER got irritated or frustrated with your child? Spoken sharply? Sworn within earshot (OP, you have!)? Manhandled them in any way, shape or form into /out of a highchair, a car seat, a supermarket trolley, a nappy, their cot or a dangerous situation? Even if you felt it was justified at the time and different in some way to this scenario? Because an outsider looking in may think just like OP did of her DH! If you can honestly say you have never had a "bad-mum" moment, then I applaud you and you can judge. The rest of us less-than-perfect mum's cannot.

Original poster
Privacysettingss · 22/07/2019 08:56

Thanks for all the replies

DS was crying on both occasions but last night he was crying because he doesn't like being changed, not because he was hurt. He was also being changed on a mad on the floor, not a changing table.

The first time he reacted with fear and began crying more inconsolably so at the very least he was frightened.

He was in a bouncer chair the first time yes not a jumperoo type thing.

The first incident was definitely a cause for concern and I think If a professional had of seen that then they would have imposed the same reaction as me "not to be left alone until sought help for tempter"

I do appreciate that occasion has clouded my view. He has been virtually perfect since then.

Of course we've all had to be firm when changing a babies/toddlers nappy me included but my being firm as a "5'2 10 stone female looks quite different to that of a "6'2 15 stone man. He's a strong guy and DS is tiny so upon reflection it may have appeared worse than it was and I've told him I'm sorry for my reaction.

To the PP who mentioned PTSD yes that is something I suffer from. I'm in therapy for it. I never linked the two together so that's interesting. My trauma is unrelated to DS and DH though.

OP posts:
jaseyraex · 22/07/2019 08:59

When I'm changing 11 month old DS on the floor I keep my leg (gently) across his waist to stop him flipping over and crawling away Blush

Everyone gets frustrated with their children sometimes. Even you admitted that you have as well OP. As long as the child isn't physically hurt or upset by the actions then I would definitely say YABU and I'm glad you've realised that and apologised to your husband. This parenting stuff is hard, support each other as much as you can instead of criticising.

Original poster
Privacysettingss · 22/07/2019 09:04

I made my peace with him before I went to sleep last night, I went over for a hug and reassured him that I think he's a good man and good dad and I didn't mean to make him feel as though he was under a spot light. I was wrong on this occasion.

OP posts:
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