To be disappointed with husband's behaviour at our wedding?

[ivechangedmynameok]

We got married a few weeks ago, it was as small as it could be and quite untraditional. Registry office then a buffet in a pub, we arrived at the ceremony together, no giving away, my dress was knee length and only £50 etc... you get the picture. A budget wedding.

However there are some things that made me a bit and they were all due to my now husband.

He refused to take his sunglasses off in the wedding photos. It was a sunny day and he said his eyes were hurting, so now all our pics together except the ceremony are of him wearing sunglasses

I drove us to the pub, and in the car he got changed out of his wedding suit... into shorts and a t shirt. He said he hated wearing a suit and feels too hot. He was therefore the most underdressed in our party

He refused to cut the cake with me or eat any of it, he said the tradition is cheesy

As it was very informal, everyone went home at about 5pm. When we got to our house he went straight on the computer to talk to people on Facebook messenger /sell and buy various things on eBay. We did nothing romantic at all that evening, I couldn't have sex anyway because I was on my period but it felt like such an anticlimax. We didn't even sleep in the same bed on our wedding night he left to go on the spare room as he said it was too hot in our bedroom and he couldn't sleep with me tossing and turning.

I see pictures of other people's weddings on Facebook and think mine is such a let down in comparison. Please someone tell me not everyone has a fairytale wedding day and mine isn't that bad???

But yes, it does sound pretty shitty tbh OP. I would be very upset if I were you.

So what will you do now OP? All these posts and the only one you chose to answer was about your period?

What is your plan? How can you sort this out? Can you move on from this? Do you want to live with him for the rest of your life?

God that does sound shit, I’m sorry you had such a disappointing wedding. It doesn’t bode well for the future I must say. Given he only does things for himself and puts what he wants above everything I would be very very wary of having kids with this guy.

Is he autistic? I'm autistic and I'm always anxious to get home, hate wear different clothes to normal and hate a change in routine. My wedding photos are shit because I pulled a stupid face and I couldn't wait to get out of my dress which was annoying me.

Before you have children with this complete waste of space man you need to consider whether he is the man for you. Quite frankly, he isn't the man for most women. I'm intrigued as to why you think he's the man for you.

Why don't you suggest to your husband that you get photos retaken as it would mean a lot to you. You could both get dressed up again and take better pictures? Plenty of couples do it if there is bad weather on the day itself.

But, why would you? 9 years, you must have known what to expect, surely?

The going home after the wedding with nothing special planned seems so disappointing, especially as you have NO children !

I don't know about your budget

But no night/day in a nice hotel or spa ?
No lovely view at a seaside ?
Even a night in a shepherds hut, under the stars
A night with live music, theatre, romantic walk somewhere ?
A massage, foot rub ?

This would not be the person for me

Zero effort

If he is like this now, how will he help you parent ?
How will he help you, if you are sick ?
How will you imagine the next 50 years to be ?

Oh here we go let’s armchair diagnose, how about MN stop excusing twatty behaviour by saying oh he’s on the spectrum, it’s MH.

TBF, this is one occasion on which it does sound like HF ASC might be worth considering as an explanation.

The sunglasses and 'dscomfort in a suit' issues do sound like sensory hypersensitivities.

Added to the computer/gaming obsession and apparent lack of awareness of what was expected at the reception, PP might be onto something.

Why did you both get married ?

Are you planning a honey moon

Hi OP, it sounds as if your DH was looking at the wedding as something you have to do for legal reasons? Is he always so unengaged with your relationship?
Regarding the sunglasses, for some (me and my DC) when it is very sunny the choice is either sunglasses or eyes closed (involuntary), is your DH the same?
Congrats

If he is like this now, how will he help you parent ?
How will he help you, if you are sick ?
How will you imagine the next 50 years to be ?

^This

You must of discussed the day before it happened? Surely his expectations weren’t that low?
So have a conversation about what went wrong and how you feel. Don’t Make it about him but how you feel disappointed that it wasn’t special or romantic enough. See what he says.

Oh honey your man should want you to have a special day just the way you wanted a special day for your man!! You haven’t had kids yet so if you need to move on from this relationship this is a good time. Things definitely get harder with kids.

Something a friend posted the other day that I wish I knew when I was your age “don’t choose a man from your inner little girl/child, choose a partner from your inner queen/higher self, so he can meet you there?!”

What had you planned for the evening, op? What did you imagine you’d spend the evening doing when you went home at 5pm?

What had you planned for the evening, op?

Why does the OP have to have planned something? Why couldn't the groom plan something instead? Seems like the OP is doing all the work here (she even drove them to the wedding reception) and is getting nothing back.

No, I just meant she must have expected to be doing something specific, whoever planned it. It’s odd that they seemed not to have discussed what was happening afterward?
Op was annoyed that he went straight on the computer but makes no mention of missing out on what she though they’d be doing.

I really feel for you. If you were my daughter I'd be so upset. I understand about wanting low key affairs, but your wedding day was marred by your husband's actions. He has shown a total disregard for your feelings. The wedding obviously meant less to him than to you. Never mind all this bollocks he's on the spectrum, he's an idiot, plain and simple. Nothing will take away the memories of your wedding day and you will resent him always. Take a long hard look at him and ask yourself, is this what I've committed to?

If you have been with him 9 years he must be like this generally, a wedding won't change him. He sounds like he is struggling with addiction

He sounds lazy, unsupportive and doesn't really sound like he gives a crap about your feelings. He has dismissed your feelings about the day, which isn't loving. I would have been so embarrassed if my DH was like that on our wedding day.

Did he get you a present or a card on the day? Did he say anything romantic to you? Did he tell you you looked beautiful? Did he say anything the next morning like "we are husband and and wife!" with a big smile? If he didn't do anything like that I would be having a serious chat with him. You don't have to stay married.

If you don't see more input from him, don't have children with him, it will be awful and you will be doing everything.

He is clearly ASD. (I say that as a mum of 2 with ASD & an ADHD & probable ASD dx myself who married someone with ASD/ADHD). You acknowledge this yourself OP, so why the surprise when this happened? Are you also ASD/ADHD? When I was younger & married my ex my self-esteem was so low that I just married the first person who showed an interest. Our wedding was similar to yours too. £50 charity shop dress, crap wedding reception. No proper photographer. ExH's mum & dad (also glaringly ASD) turned up wearing jumpers & jeans as if they were going fishing FFS! The only good thing to come from the farcical relationship was my 2 DD. It sounds like you are living my life from 20 years ago. Feel free to message me.

Divorce him

He just sounds like someone who isn't into standing on ceremony, and I don't blame him one bit.

Did you discuss what kind of day you both wanted, beforehand?

It matters because on your wedding day, you should be happy together. He should be trying his best to make you smile, and you should be doing the same. And the thing that makes you smile should be his company and his obvious desire to be with you, talk to you, share in cutting the cake because you want that, take off the sunglasses because you asked and a little effort should not only cost him nothing, it should positively be what he wants to do to see you smile.

None of that happened. Don't let his lack of interest be explained away. You want something far more than he is giving.

You should seriously reconsider your relationship. Which it seems you are doing.

It doesn't matter whether he had ASD, mental health issues, is socially inept, or just doesn't give a shit.

The OP has been with him for nine years. She knows exactly what he's like, and married him anyway.

All the crap he did on the day sounds completely symptomatic of who he is.

Clearly he wasn't acting out of character - he was doing exactly what you'd expect him to do (not want to be in a suit, sloping off early, going online as soon as getting home, etc).

This isn't about whatever random issues the DH has...

It's about why the OP would want to get married and spend the rest of her life with someone she is deeply incompatible with, and (for very good reason) doesn't even seem to like.

TBH my sympathies here are mainly lying with the DH.

If I had had the self belief to say "fuck this I'm getting changed" after the ceremony I would have been so much more comfortable.

Wedding cake is almost always inedible (even for people who like cake) and yes cutting the cake is incredibly cliched.

We got married 200 miles from home (so near my family) and on the wedding evening we went to a restaurant with our 4 closest friends. It was going to be 6 but my sister couldn't stand my ex so she made a graceful excuse.

It was such a relief to me when the ceremony bit was done and everyone could stop fucking looking at me. But even more of a relief when we were able to leave the reception and just fuck off to our room for a shag and a sleep.