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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with husband's behaviour at our wedding?

142 replies

ivechangedmynameok · 21/07/2019 19:46

We got married a few weeks ago, it was as small as it could be and quite untraditional. Registry office then a buffet in a pub, we arrived at the ceremony together, no giving away, my dress was knee length and only £50 etc... you get the picture. A budget wedding.

However there are some things that made me a bit Confused and they were all due to my now husband.

He refused to take his sunglasses off in the wedding photos. It was a sunny day and he said his eyes were hurting, so now all our pics together except the ceremony are of him wearing sunglasses

I drove us to the pub, and in the car he got changed out of his wedding suit... into shorts and a t shirt. He said he hated wearing a suit and feels too hot. He was therefore the most underdressed in our party

He refused to cut the cake with me or eat any of it, he said the tradition is cheesy

As it was very informal, everyone went home at about 5pm. When we got to our house he went straight on the computer to talk to people on Facebook messenger /sell and buy various things on eBay. We did nothing romantic at all that evening, I couldn't have sex anyway because I was on my period but it felt like such an anticlimax. We didn't even sleep in the same bed on our wedding night Shock he left to go on the spare room as he said it was too hot in our bedroom and he couldn't sleep with me tossing and turning.

I see pictures of other people's weddings on Facebook and think mine is such a let down in comparison. Please someone tell me not everyone has a fairytale wedding day and mine isn't that bad???

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 21/07/2019 21:11

I'm with @PotalBabu in being more worried about his obsession with 'getting home' if he's been out for two hours. Does this mean you can never have a day out, or that all trips are ruined by his whining about 'I wanna goooooo hooooooome!' like a five year old?

Because that, combined with his apparent lack of empathy, doesn't sound like it makes for a particularly fun partner.

Chouxalacreme · 21/07/2019 21:14

I’ve got a husband on the spectrum and three asd children so although it can be dismissed as armchair diagnosis sometimes it’s good to look at behaviours in context of these disorders and difficulties .
More constructive than dismissing and name calling

His sunglasses and the suit removal scream sensory issues

HeadintheiClouds · 21/07/2019 21:16

Was he actually agreeable to getting married? Because it sounds like he was sending you a really clear message with that pouty behaviour, it must have been mortifying for you

WombOfOnesOwn · 21/07/2019 21:17

What would happen, do you think, OP, if you wanted to look at his messages, and see who he's been messaging and chatting with on your wedding night?

I've known two very different brides whose husbands were "messaging" on their wedding nights. Both eventually left the cheaters, who had been so anxious to get home all the time so that they could get back to their lives as dashing online Lotharios (the reality of their bedroom performance was not so cinematic, from all reports).

You should be very concerned that there were people he wanted very much to socialize with on your wedding day but didn't bother inviting to the wedding. Very. Concerned.

HeadintheiClouds · 21/07/2019 21:18

Surely op would know if this sort of crap was usual for him, Choux, they’ve been together 9 years.

Aragog · 21/07/2019 21:23

If you’ve been together 9 years, what made you decide to get married now?

Agree with a pp that being together for 9 years before marriage isn't that big a deal, especially when you meet fairly early on. OP is only late 20s so must have got together around age 20/21.

Aragog · 21/07/2019 21:24

I can understand why you'd be disappointed. On your wedding evening you'd at least expect to have some nice couple time together without him sitting on his own on his computer ignoring you.

PatMustardsMoustache · 21/07/2019 21:24

I’m with PP, this sounds very much like my wedding to (who we now know to be) an autistic man.

To be fair he is autistic and a total arse, and as such is my now ex husband.

The 2 can go together.

womaninthedark · 21/07/2019 21:25

Is there the slightest chance this marriage is bigamous?

NC4Now · 21/07/2019 21:28

Oh no, I don’t think the 9 years thing is an issue per se. I just mean that there hasn’t been a huge motivation to get married before, and it’s maybe just not important to him.
Often in these scenarios (and I’ve no idea if this is the case here), one partner is driving it, and the other goes along with it.

CrazySandy · 21/07/2019 21:35

Chouxalacreme I agree, I was thinking the same. Sensory difficulties are real, not selfishness, and he may have been trying to avoid a meltdown.

blue25 · 21/07/2019 21:35

If you are serious about the gaming/computer addiction, you need to get out of the relationship now. If this took priority over your wedding day, it tells you everything you need to know.

How can you put up with this? Do not have children with his man.

HundredMilesAnHour · 21/07/2019 21:37

It sounds dreadful OP. I would be really upset. But it doesn't sound like his behaviour was anything out of the ordinary for him? And I guess if you'd been with him for 9 years then you know what you're getting yourself into. I wouldn't have married him personally. You can do better than this. You're only late 20s, plenty of time to find someone who actually wants to spend time with you and make you happy. Don't stay with him just because you don't know any better.

CrazySandy · 21/07/2019 21:41

Maintaining routine can be important to autistic people to keep a sense of equilibrium, it doesn't necessarily mean he is deliberately being selfish. Has he ever had a diagnosis? If not it would be worth it as there is help available which could provide you both with support, so that both your needs are met.

DishingOutDone · 21/07/2019 21:41

Late 20s. You're only late 20s and you are settling for this. If you were my daughter I'd be heartbroken.

How are you ok with all this? I don't mean the wedding, although that's bad enough, I mean everything else? Why would you marry someone who behaves like that in the first place? You must have been concerned otherwise why post? And now just the terse answers?

What is actually going on OP?

LillithsFamiliar · 21/07/2019 21:42

He sounds awful but I can't imagine this was all out of character. You've been together a long time so I'd assume he has a pattern of being thoughtless.

If he isn't usually selfish then I'd think you just had mismatched expectations of the day which is a shame. Since you both knew it was going to finish early, you could have planned in advance what you were going to do once you got home. It seems as though leaving it all to the day fed into the feeling that it wasn't special.

MyBlueMoonbeam · 21/07/2019 21:44

Is he on the spectrum op ? I say this as some of those things may be sensory as well as perhaps rigid thinking , limited understanding of social etiquette . Worth considering ?

This

CrazySandy · 21/07/2019 21:44

YANBU to feel disappointed, just thought it might help you to understand why he might have behaved that way.

ddl1 · 21/07/2019 21:48

I was going to say YABU, as I think that choosing comfort over tradition is not unreasonable (especially as it wasn't a super-traditional wedding), and, as someone who myself hates having to take off my glasses for pictures, that his eyesight and comfort take precedence over taking the best pics. However, my jaw dropped quite a bit at his subsequent behaviour, with basically abandoning your for his phone on your wedding day!!! Is he always that obsessed with going online?

SimplySteveRedux · 21/07/2019 21:53

You've had sex before with him so its not as if it was something special.

What a strange comment, I always find sex to be special but I do admit attaching emotional intimacy to it.

minipie · 21/07/2019 21:57

Whether his behaviour is due to being on the spectrum or not, it’s clearly hurt you OP. In reality if he is willing to spend the evening online selling on ebay on your wedding day, and can’t see the issue with that, he’s going to do similar things all through your life together. It will continue to hurt - even if it’s due to a condition.

The question is, does he have enough good points to outweigh this kind of behaviour.

mollpop · 21/07/2019 22:08

There is nothing to stop you from having sex when you’re on your period

Original poster
ivechangedmynameok · 21/07/2019 22:10

Re. There is nothing to stop you from having sex when you’re on your period

I know it's obviously possible and some people like it but it's definitely not for me... I have a heavy flow Confused

OP posts:
mycatisblack · 21/07/2019 22:25

That does sound a bit shit, sorry.
We got married in a Registry Office, had afternoon tea with close family and then went home afterwards and didn't have a honeymoon. However, whilst my DH was a bit pre-occupied with how to tell his adult DC about his cancer diagnosis, he still wanted me to have a lovely day and we spent the entire day and night together.
I think you need to have some straight talking with your husband, explain how you feel and see if he cares enough to want things to improve between you. If it's only about how he feels without any attempt at understand your perspective and compromise, I think your relationship is doomed.

shieldmaidenofrohan · 21/07/2019 22:26

It's not as bad as the wedding we got involved with at work a few weeks ago. A fight broke out between the bride and groom, the groom gave the bride a black eye and ended up spending the night in the luxurious surroundings of our custody block.

Bet that makes you feel better...

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