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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That I am a prisoner to my child

109 replies

Golferdude · 21/07/2019 18:53

I have a child who is experiencing separation anxiety and it’s escalating.he is 9 years of age . I feel like a prisoner in my
Life. He follows me until I distract or lead him into a different t situation. I cannot go out to a club/ meeting / dinner unless my husband is home. So one of us has to be with him at all times outside of school or some part of an activity or else he will not stop crying . Is there any hope for is. What can we do. No psychology or psychiatry services available on my area. Please help me.

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Original poster

Golferdude · 21/07/2019 19:03

Anyone please?

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Hassled · 21/07/2019 19:05

When you say no psychology or psychiatry services in your area - are you in the UK? Because if so then yes, there will be somewhere. Have you talked to your GP?

DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 21/07/2019 19:06

I don't have any advice, but I just want to say how hard this sounds. Poor you.

Is there anyone else he feels comfortable with, like a grandparent or friend's parent who might be able to help out? Does he have any other additional needs?

jamoncrumpet · 21/07/2019 19:06

Have you spoke to school about this? What do they suggest?

Original poster

Golferdude · 21/07/2019 19:09

No I’m not In the UK. . I have spleen to my health visitor and she sent me a leaflet. There is no acute support available. I’m just wondering what are the most effective private therapies in your experience and what am I doing wrong. It’s really upsetting the whole family dynamic . If I come home from an event or my husband does , he stops crying Immediately but will restart screaming once
More if we explain that we will be back in one hour . As long as we are with him he is fine . It’s crippling

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madroid · 21/07/2019 19:10

Have you asked him why he's anxious? Does he worry you won't come back if you leave him?

It could be the start of something similar significant or it could be a phase.

What's he like other than that? What do his teachers say? Does he have friends?

Original poster

Golferdude · 21/07/2019 19:10

He is close to my sisters and their children and will stay and play with one of those family’s but keeps asking when I’ll be back and if I’m Even one minute late, he gets angry and shouty and upset .

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WhoAmIToTellYou · 21/07/2019 19:11

Why is he doing it, has he experienced a loss of family member or illness? Problems at school? There is a reason if it started out of nowhere..

PositiveVibez · 21/07/2019 19:13

What has triggered his anxiety. If its nothing you can see that is obvious, maybe a book he has read or a programme he has watched?

madroid · 21/07/2019 19:13

Is someone being horrible to him while you're not there possible?

bigKiteFlying · 21/07/2019 19:13

So one of us has to be with him at all times outside of school or some part of an activity or else he will not stop crying

What have school said - he is okay there or have they suggested anything? Have you spoken to your GP?

Has it slowly built up to this - was there some kind of trigger event?

Does he eventually settle - is it just the change of you going?

Mrsjayy · 21/07/2019 19:13

I would speak to school about this they must be able to access some services for you. Could you maybe bribe him give him an incentive to keep calm when you are out ?

Original poster

Golferdude · 21/07/2019 19:14

He has friends but can isolate
Himself by being bossy and angry if he doesn’t get his own way. One of his teachers said he can be quite needy . We work on this every day . He is frustrated in that he dislikes sports and is the only boy in his class who won’t play as they put him in goal and he knows why.

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Mrsjayy · 21/07/2019 19:17

I don't think you should give him specific time you will be back that is heightening his anxiety so if you have an acitivity on say you will be home when it finishes which should be about 7sh O Clock .

bigKiteFlying · 21/07/2019 19:22

He is close to my sisters and their children and will stay and play with one of those family’s but keeps asking when I’ll be back and if I’m Even one minute late,

Have you tried a wrist watch - see if he feels better if he can see when you are due back to see if that make him feel more in control?

DD1 could get very anxious - but she was much younger - I'd stop at events and then she'd slowly build up confidence to join in till we got to point that wasn’t necessary - we went out a lot so she got lots of practise. She used to get anxious at home time with school - I think reassurance that I was always there for years slowly solved that.

I ask the school if they know of any services to get in touch with and seek medical advice about the anxiety see if there's anything they can suggest.

Original poster

Golferdude · 21/07/2019 19:34

Thanks. I am
So worried about him. We both are. There has been no trigger recently that I can think of or that he has spoken about. I’ve asked him. He has always been a bit clingy, sleeping in my bed at the start of the night, following Me Into toilet and shower, asking me at exactly what time o would pick him up from after school
Care and then he cried once when I was late which was totally out of character as he has been at that same facility for years. He says he is worried I am
Going to die in a car crash or be kidnapped and not come home. I’ve never broken my
Word or promise to him yet his anxiety seems to be escalating . I was at a family event last night. It’s 200 km away from home. I brought him and my
Older daughter to stay in the hotel
Room. From the moment he left he was roaring crying despite his sister being with him and my husband had to leave even and sit With him ForTwo hours until he fell asleep. He was fine the moment my husband
Walked back through the door. He just keeps Saying he misses me/ us.

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Mumtolittletorchers · 21/07/2019 19:35

Can you not have a sleepover with your sisters children first in your house and then in your sisters and tell him you will b back in the morning to pick him up but don't give a time. If he agrees give him a time later than you will arrive so there's no screaming. You need to nip it in the bud now by doing things outside his comfort zone.

madroid · 21/07/2019 19:35

I'd really try to get to the bottom of his anxiety. Ask him what the worse thing is that could happen if you didn't come back. Also what's the worse thing that's happened to him. Play Lego or something like that so that it's very non threatening to him while you talk and keep v relaxed. Back off if he gets agitated and try again another time.

If you can't find any reason I think you should start contemplating that this could be the onset of a mental illness or condition. But that's a way off and unlikely if you haven't noticed any other problems.

Teacakeandalatte · 21/07/2019 19:42

Are you sometimes leaving him alone when you go out? 9 seems too young for that. Or is he always with a responsible adult but always wants you or dh?

bigKiteFlying · 21/07/2019 19:57

I brought him and my Older daughter to stay in the hotel Room. From the moment he left he was roaring crying despite his sister being with him and my husband had to leave even and sit With him ForTwo hours until he fell asleep. He was fine the moment my husband. Walked back through the door.

How old is his sister? Do actually get on or is his sister upsetting him?

While I have left my 10 year old at home for 10 - 15 minutes with older sibling to drop other child off - I wouldn't be leaving them alone in a hotel room as it's a strange environment – though if eldest was nearer 18 and they got on well I’d probably think differently.

Butterymuffin · 21/07/2019 19:57

Can you start with small regular absences leaving him somewhere he's comfortable, like your sister's? So say once a week you leave him there, say it's for an hour and then make sure you are back on time. Then you can build up to other places and longer absences but keep reassuring him it's fine, it will be like all the other times and you'll be back safe and sound when you've said you will.

Timandra · 21/07/2019 19:58

You need to work out what is behind the anxiety. It could be neurodevelopmental, i.e. autism or OCD.

Finding the root of the behaviour will make it easier to manage. I would worry that trying to manage it without understanding it could make matters worse.

Original poster

Golferdude · 21/07/2019 19:58

A memtal illness?? Are you serios?? I have never ever left him alone without a babysitter or my sisters minding him .

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Original poster

Golferdude · 21/07/2019 20:00

She is 16 and is very loving and understanding towards him . In fact I would say she is very tolerant and patient with him considering her age

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Original poster

Golferdude · 21/07/2019 20:01

We do the aleepover thing but he just cried and cried . He didn’t use to. He used to be upset but it’s escalted very
Maybe ch over the last few months . Any therapists you could advise to assess

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