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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That I am a prisoner to my child

109 replies

Golferdude · 21/07/2019 18:53

I have a child who is experiencing separation anxiety and it’s escalating.he is 9 years of age . I feel like a prisoner in my
Life. He follows me until I distract or lead him into a different t situation. I cannot go out to a club/ meeting / dinner unless my husband is home. So one of us has to be with him at all times outside of school or some part of an activity or else he will not stop crying . Is there any hope for is. What can we do. No psychology or psychiatry services available on my area. Please help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Golferdude · 21/07/2019 20:39

Would art therapy help?

OP posts:
jamoncrumpet · 21/07/2019 20:39

The lists are long here too. You just have to wait your turn. Or pay to go private.

jamoncrumpet · 21/07/2019 20:40

Have you considered autism @Golferdude ?

ZoeWashburne · 21/07/2019 20:40

This level of extreme attachment, obsession and control needs to be evaluated my a medical professional. It could be anything from autism, OCD, GAD, to hormones, depression or a range of other ideas.

It really needs to be evaluated by a medical professional, and treated as such. Because 9 is far too old to be behaving this way without an underlying medical issue.

Flywheel · 21/07/2019 20:41

Sounds quite similar to my ds. I disagree it is just about manipulation and control. He sounds very anxious. It can't be fun for him not being able to leave your side and have fun with his friends. Ds was also a bit obsessed with me and worried about me dying constantly. He attended a therapist privately who used some CBT techniques. It took a while, and he can occasionally still get a bit upset in new situations, but he is much better now. Much happier too.

jamoncrumpet · 21/07/2019 20:42

My DS is obsessed with me to the point where he cannot be on a different floor of the house to me. He also won't let my DH take him out on his own, which is exhausting.

The only way we are going to crack it is by DH taking him out more and pushing through the tantrums. It feels mean, but it's the only way.

Original poster
Golferdude · 21/07/2019 20:43

Oh I’m
So pleased to hear this . Thank you for some
Light at the end of a tunnel. I feel like I’m suffocating from
Sadness and worry about him
Thank
You all. I have an autistic daughter. They are nothing alike

OP posts:
thesnapandfartisinfallible · 21/07/2019 20:45

I agree with Zoe. What happens if you just speak to him on the phone and say Mummy's fine, I'll be home in a couple of hours, stop being silly.
Then just let him have a tantrum. At his age this is very abnormal behaviour. 9 year olds round here are all playing out this time of year, parents boot them out at 10am and they all disappear until dinner time at a weekend. He should be much more independent than he is now and I'd worry that it's escalating so quickly. From what you've said, he was more independent when he was 5 or 6 than he is now at 9. That's worrying. I think you need to try and get to the bottom of it and if it really is just controlling behaviour as it seems, then put a stop to him getting his own way all the time. Let him scream himself hoarse if you have to but don't give in. This kind of shit needs nipping in the bud.

Original poster
Golferdude · 21/07/2019 20:47

Ok

OP posts:
Restingbitchface01 · 21/07/2019 20:49

My daughter was like this from age 12. All of a sudden she was terrified I would be killed if she wasn't with me at all times. It took a lot of work with educational psychologists, cahms and eventually adult psychiatric services and a suicide attempt to get a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. It took 10 years to get a diagnosis. After intensive CBT and anti anxiety meds she is a different person. Get help for your child as soon as possible.

Timandra · 21/07/2019 20:50

I have an autistic daughter. They are nothing alike

I have two autistic daughters. When DD1 was diagnosed, I looked at DD2 and thought "Well at least she's very different from DD1 so can't have autism." They were opposites in numerous ways including sleep patterns, communication skills, eating patterns, sociability, sensory needs and meltdowns. I was wrong. DD2 was diagnosed a year later.

Art therapy might help if the person delivering it is offering it as an opportunity to communicate how the world feels from his viewpoint. It could feed into a diagnostic process if that becomes appropriate.

FloatingthroughSpace · 21/07/2019 20:50

They don't have to be alike. All autistic people are different.

I agree that he needs to understand that he cannot exclusively rely on you to regulate his emotions for him. Going out for a while evening is too big a challenge. You are accidentally maintaining the behaviour by setting up a huge challenge, triggering a big reaction, and then rushing back to relieve him thereby reinforcing his idea that he can't manage without you.

I would tell him this situation is making everyone unhappy and you'll be making a plan to start to manage it. Begin with something simple like mum gets private bathroom trips. He gets a sticker each time that he can then exchange a set amount for something that motivates him (eg 5 stickers gets a small chocolate bar or whatever he will aim to get). Plus praise for being grown up etc.

In the meantime I would seek advice from a professional. If his sister is autistic it isn't unlikely that he isn't.
His comment about not wanting to calm down is his explanation of his emotions. It isn't necessarily given with full insight; this is something even adults struggle to do. Asking someone why they have done something is a very hard question!

crummyusername · 21/07/2019 20:51

I got this book for my DS when he was about 10. Could be worth a try. Probably would need you to read it with him, there is a lot to absorb but it covers some good basic anxiety management techniques.

www.bookdepository.com/What-Do-When-You-Worry-Too-Much-Dawn-Huebner/9781591473145

FloatingthroughSpace · 21/07/2019 20:51

*a whole evening, not a while evening

Original poster
Golferdude · 21/07/2019 20:53

Thanks. Can I ask if you are experienced with this type
Of thimg@floating . You seem really
Knowledgable

OP posts:
thesnapandfartisinfallible · 21/07/2019 20:53

What does happen though? Does he calm down talking to you? Can he be reasoned with at the time? It's one thing talking about it afterwards but what is he like at the time. Kids have the fake, I want my own way cry and the real genuine distress cry. As his parent, I'd set a fair amount of store in your instinct here. Which is it? Ignore WHAT he says, what about the way he says it? Go with your gut instinct, what do you think? You're his mum, you know him better than anyone.

Original poster
Golferdude · 21/07/2019 20:54

Thanks
To all OfYou also

OP posts:
Original poster
Golferdude · 21/07/2019 20:57

He just cries his heart out and then
Immediately stops the second we relent .

OP posts:
Timandra · 21/07/2019 21:00

Begin with something simple like mum gets private bathroom trips. He gets a sticker each time that he can then exchange a set amount for something that motivates him (eg 5 stickers gets a small chocolate bar or whatever he will aim to get).

Only try this strategy if rewards usually work well for your DS. Some children with ASD can find the pressure of rewards increases their anxiety and they can be counter-productive. CAMHS tried using a technique like this with DD2. It was a disaster. It isn't the case for all DC of course.

FloatingthroughSpace · 21/07/2019 21:01

I know a fair bit about anxiety and autism Golfer. Parent and work related.
I'm by no means the only one here who does though!

Original poster
Golferdude · 21/07/2019 21:03

Yes I’ve been lucky to get some great advice From so many and too Many to thanks individually

OP posts:
Original poster
Golferdude · 21/07/2019 21:04

I’m torn between feeling like he is consciously controlling me to feeling like we have a major acute crisis on our hands

OP posts:
justgivemewine · 21/07/2019 21:11

Don’t fret about autism waiting list being so long,
Either
a) he isn’t autistic and is just going through a spectacular clingy/mardy phase and will grow out of it (ds 2 did this at 9 and is was wearing to say the least but grew out of it) at which point you can cancel the autism assement or
B) he is autistic and you need to be on that list ASAP cos waiting times are bloody stupid.

That he stops as soon as he gets his own way smacks of manipulation though usually an autistic meltdown/response doesn’t stop just because you offer what they want.

OnlyToWin · 21/07/2019 21:15

He has to learn to sit with his worry and realise it will not kill him. I would not fuel it by rushing home to him or making him promises as you leave. It does sound rather controlling - the fact that he is able to stop as soon as you return makes me think this. His teachers will also have a pretty good perception of his behaviour at school. We went through this with DD. We had to be quite firm with her about boundaries - you are a different person from him and you need some time alone. Yes, he might feel uncomfortable and sad, but these feelings will not kill him and eventually the anxiety with dissipate - if you keep rushing back when the anxiety peaks or creating situations where he will not feel any anxiety then he will never learn to deal with it. Sorry if this sounds very harsh but it worked for us and we had a very similar situation. We found a CBT book called “What to do when you worry too much” also very useful. There is one called “what to do when you dread your bed” which helped too as bedtime was an issue. Hope you get some peace soon OP.

mummmy2017 · 21/07/2019 21:19

Could you get a pay as you go phone no frills...
Tell your son it is for emergency's only and just program in important numbers ..
Use it only for when your leaving him at home.
If it is on the same network as you it will be free for calls...
Maybe send hi a text as soon as you walk out the door. Tell him he can text and you reply...
It may give him something to focus on...
Ask him questions, so he has to answer.
So if your in the shop do we have milk?