That I am a prisoner to my child

[Golferdude]

I have a child who is experiencing separation anxiety and it’s escalating.he is 9 years of age . I feel like a prisoner in my
Life. He follows me until I distract or lead him into a different t situation. I cannot go out to a club/ meeting / dinner unless my husband is home. So one of us has to be with him at all times outside of school or some part of an activity or else he will not stop crying . Is there any hope for is. What can we do. No psychology or psychiatry services available on my area. Please help me.

I have had similar experiences with my DD, though most of her separation anxiety was at night and it put huge strain upon the whole family so I absolutely understand how you feel, it affects everything from your marriage to your own mental health and you feel powerless. My DD started with this just before she turned 8 and is making progress at last now aged 10. I think at the very crux of it is an irrational fear that if you or your DH are not in your child's actual sight they panic that you won't come back and they will never see you again, almost as if the moment you leave the room you cease to exist and it sends them into a panic - that is how it was for my DD. With her it has been a very long journey and we have tried literally everything humanly possible to help her, and what has helped is a combination of lots of talking, reassurance, a fantastic teacher at school who put lots of measures in place to keep her anxiety as manageable as possible in class, and private counselling with a lovely lady who specialises in separation anxiety and children - and I think she is naturally coming out of it as she grows up and matures. At times it has been absolute hell on earth, so you have my every sympathy, but don't give up - this cannot and will not last forever (despite the fact it may feel like that now), he will grow out of it.

You are all so kind thanks

I would tend to think he is not doing it deliberately - especially if the behaviour ruins things he wants to do/likes. So if you put his favourite DVD on and he would still rush after you if you left the room.

Find out what motivates him. Try the toddler technique of giving him something which smells of you. Or giving him something like your watch to reassure him you are coming back.

Using techniques aimed at Autistic children will not do a NT child any harm (usually), so they are worth a try.

That he stops as soon as he gets his own way smacks of manipulation though usually an autistic meltdown/response doesn’t stop just because you offer what they want.
On the other hand it could be that his anxiety level calm massively when you or another trusted person is there.

I know that he could be syffering from some sort of Anxiety problem or OCD but

He just cries his heart out and then
Immediately stops the second we relent

I think this is more about manipulation.

Presumably at school he doesn’t scream the place down from 9am-4pm

If you went out for the day and stayed overnight somewhere and your dh ignored his crying would he keep it up for 24 hours.

He is fine once one of us is here but is definitely More attached to me

OP, something will have happened to trigger this. It might not be obvious either. A change in family set-up, or something at school, perhaps. Equally, it can be something that you're going through personally that you're trying to shield from him. You may not even be fully aware of the impact of a certain personal situation yourself.

If you can link this back to something (and I'm suggesting there will almost certainly be something), then you'll be able to treat it accordingly.

Also, try and go with the flow as much as you can - don't try and rush him to change or pressure him, it will add to the anxiety, try and react as calmly to the situation as you can - not easy I know.

Yes he’s afraid that we will not come back if we leave him ... every single time

Someone he knows has died .
I suddenly remember my DD doing this, she broke down crying over it.

I think you need to manage your own anxiety around this too.

He is 9 and you should be able to have privacy In The bathroom. No if bits or maybes- he cannot follow you In there.

Re the anxiety around you dying. Never promise this won't happen, talk about the likelyhood being small but discuss the plan if something was to happen.
My girls know who will take care of them if the worst happened and they are better about that issue now. Talk about it.

He is controlling your whole family and he is old enough to understand this is selfish and unacceptable.

Stop giving him timings, you will collect him when you collect him, he is safe and cared for and he does not get to dictate to you.

Treat it like any other tantrum, consequences and follow through.

You have to keep leaving him to show him you do come back then. DD used to say this to me - ask me where I was, worry if I was too far away because I could not get back to her. It was exhausting. You have my sympathy, but it did end.

Sorry, read only half the thread. But you could look into ‘facetime’ therapy for him. Things are clearly seriously wrong.

If my kid was exhibiting this level of anxiety (etc) I’d even move countries to make sure he was seen to. Check if there are residential therapy workshops or courses you and he could attend- no matter where in the world it is. I’m reading you saying he’s 9, but the behaviour seems much much younger than that and even then seriously worrying.

Good luck with it all, hope MN provides you with some concrete ways forward. Don’t delay, would be my strong advice.

My kid is EXTREMELY anxious,rigid and perseverates secondary to a traumatic brain injury. He's on a load of Rx but only so much can help we've had CBT and countless appointments with developmental-behavioral pediatricians and now see a psychiatrist every few months. Some would say he's manipulative or bratty and controlling but it's his brain damage and he cannot control it. Doesn't make it any easier. A child can have tendencies to anxiety and worry but when it consumes and affects a family like this it needs to be addressed. Good luck OP

He is clearly terrified that you will die and leave him alone. And his way of dealing with that is to refuse to let you out of his sight. Perhaps you need to sit him down and calmly deal with this. He needs to know that there will be people, family members, who will look after him if ever the worst happened to you or his dad, and that he won't be left alone.

I can't help wondering whether he has read a book or seen a film or tv programme about a child being orphaned or being abandoned.

And I agree with other posters that you also need to get him assessed by a medical professional in case there is an underlying cause and he can't help it.

Stop letting him control you. You can go out. And in time he will learn to control his anxiety. You can't do that for him. He hasn't had the opportunity and needs to have the opportunity to develop this.

Some of his behaviours are similar to what my dd was like at that age. She is diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. She wouldn’t stay at other peoples houses even family members, I had to collect her from my dads in the middle of the night when she was meant to be sleeping over because she wouldn’t stop crying. She still doesn’t like being away from home at the age of almost 16 and doesn’t do sleep overs. She suffers with anxiety a lot and worries she’s going to die or somethings going to happen to a family member but now she’s older she allows me to go out and leave her on her own or in charge of her younger sister.

People are saying it’s not normal for a 9 year old to follow their parent around and to cry when they are not there, they are right but still I wouldn’t force him to be in a situation that makes him anxious. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong but you do need to work out what’s causing the anxiety and teach him techniques to control the anxiety. Look at CBT and mindfulness techniques. Go back to basic and only leave him for short times, tell him your going somewhere for 20 minutes and will be back, keep reassuring him.
Maybe getting him a mobile phone could help so he can contact you? You could tell him that you will text him every hour to let him know your ok?

Ds3 (13) is a bit like this but only with me. He won’t stay with his dad or older brothers and insists on coming with me if I leave the house. If I try to leave him he cries and holds on to me. He has always been quite an anxious child but this has escalated hugely since he started secondary school last year. He has always had lots of quirky routines - set number of hugs before bed or going to school, having to go ahead of everyone through doors etc and these have got worse over the last year.

He is on the (very long) waiting list for assessment for autism. Ds2 is autistic but is very, very different.

OP, this sounds like an anxiety issue to me - even the tantrums that resolve when you give in. Id recommend several things:

1 Therapeutic parenting. High nurture, high structure parenting. There are lots of resources out there, I like Bryan Post who holds that all negative behaviours start from fear. Dan Hughes advocates a PACE model of deep empathy and curiosity in order to connect with your child. Christine MOers on youtube. Amber Elliot - have a look around Look at Beacon HOuse for resources also. WHile this method is used for traumatised and attachment seeking children, Ive found it useful for all.

1. This site is an excellent parent/child resource to help anxiety - based on CBT. maps.anxietycanada.com/courses/child-map/

for example, they advocate getting kids talking about their feelings by using a cartoon character and talking about emotions for that character, so the child gets used to talking about how things might feel and examining their inner thoughts. eg the Incredible Hulk to talk about anger.

I'm also getting autism vibes, as a former teacher and SEN teaching assistant. But only a mental health professional can diagnose this, it could also be a phase, anxiety triggered by something, he could be upset about something or someone at school, or it could be some sort of manipulative behaviour.

I'd definitely recommend bringing him to see a professional, and I also hugely recommend the book Managing Challenging Children by Gerard Gordon. It helped me understand the reasons behind behaviour like this better. It's aimed at teachers but works well for parents too. It's only a thin book, super useful and you can get it second hand on Amazon.

I have a feeling it will ultimately come down to setting and maintaining boundaries whilst also showing that you do love him, you just can't be with him constantly as that's not healthy for either of you, as well as getting him assessed by a professional in case there are any underlying health issues.

I would sit with him and go through a safety plan.
Bullet points of what he could do when he doesn't feel safe without u.
For example

1. text
2. play five mins of a game and see how he feels
3. ring auntie
4. etc etc

My daughter gets extremely anxious and then calms down if I relent.

This confused me for a long time as I thought she was manipulating thing.s

But it is a form of OCD - we have a pans/pandas diagnosis. It can be treated.

My dd was like this when she was 6. Her behaviour was very controlling and wouldn’t let me out of her sight. This was 100% anxiety based because she suddenly realised how ill I was and had stopped developing emotionally at 4 when she started school. Her way of managing her anxiety was to not let me out of her sight.

We employed a child psychologist and the work we did with her was amazing. It really turned things around. I’ve had 2 major surgeries in the past year and I noticed she has become a lot more anxious again. As a result the controlling personality is rearing it’s head. She’s 11. The person we worked with last time has moved. I’m thinking of finding another psychologist as I’m not well enough to sort this myself out.

Imo this does not necessarily indicate additional needs. In your position I would get a child psychologist involved and take it from there. If they have any suspicion of autism they will discuss this with you.

Don’t listen to bookworm. Her suggestions are cruel and dismissive.

Think carefully. Has he watched something that has caused the fear. A horror film. Even doctor who or eastenders?! Different things for different children but very possible. Please talk to him assure he won't be in any trouble but will get a reward for telling the truth.

@mummy
I’ve not said anything cruel, several other PP suggested the same, see what happens if you left him outside the bathroom or didn’t give in to his tantrum. From updates it seems he is manipulating as the hysterics stop immediately he gets what he wants. The OP has always relented rather than try anything else, looking at something differently isn’t dismissive it’s just not jumping down the SEN route without other considerations.