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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The dynamic in this family is unfair and it's making me depressed

109 replies

NCPhail · 21/07/2019 10:43

Two parent family with two young children, father works full time and i stay home with the children. This was agreed for a short period only with the agreement he would eventually amend his hours to enable us both to work. Two years later he still has not.

I'm desperate to get another job but to do so would require him to amend his working hours to take on some of the childcare, without him doing it wouldn't be feasible due to the balance of childcare fees for two so young and lack of family support able to help out. He refuses. His rota is unpredictable some weeks so this makes it difficult for me to find on a job 'around' his hours and he's happy the way things are so isn't making any effort to accommodate my needs.

We wouldn't be that much better off money wise after childcare if I were to work but it would give me a sense of independence that I desperately want.

He has a hobby which takes him out of the house for a full day every weekend. The hobby costs money but there's no spare money, or free time of my own, for me to do anything of the sort.

He has life the way he wants it.

Would you be happy with this dynamic? I'm becoming resentful, I'm depressed having lost all sense of identity and purpose in life, aside child rearing.

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 21/07/2019 10:46

That sounds unfair. Is it cycling?! You should still get a job & use a child minder - cheaper than nursery. Even if you break even it's a long term gain. You would be paying national insurance again and possibly a pension.

Beechview · 21/07/2019 10:48

Go get your job. Childcare costs will only be for a few years and you’ll probably progress in those years too.
Your dh sounds horribly selfish and I would be terribly unhappy.

DrDentyst · 21/07/2019 10:48

Of course yanbu. There's two days in a weekend. You do something on the other day - it doesn't have to cost money.

Could you do something in the evening or is that not feasible with his job?

CharlesLeeRay · 21/07/2019 10:50

Well this sounds fun... he sounds quite selfish.

How old are the children?

Leave the kids with him for a bit, even just to go for a walk. He doesn't sound very appreciative of all you do. Does he want you to work? Or does he want you to keep being a housewife.

You say you wouldn't be much better off if you paid childcare but what you are better off by could in fact pay for you to have something, like a treat or a hobby. Are you aware that you can maybe eligible for help with childcare costs?

Lazypuppy · 21/07/2019 10:52

Just go and get a job.

Then you can talk to him about how much childcare would be or if he changed his hours it would be cheaper then its his decision.

Your work shouldn't have to fit around his hours

Pinktinker · 21/07/2019 10:54

If I were you I’d just look for a job regardless. Part time work may suit best until your DC are in FT education (that’s assuming they’re younger than this age) then go full time once they are.

He’s being a selfish dick but nothing is stopping you job hunting regardless.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 21/07/2019 10:54

I know that feeling of needing independence OP, I struggled massively when DP had an unpredictable job and I couldn't work around him.

Now I work full time and he's at home looking for a part time job to work round me (I thankfully have a set 4 week rota) which will make life much easier.

Why won't your DP rein in his hobby and/or working hours to let you have a bit of time to do what you want?

If you're together you should be a team and it sounds very much like he's calling the shots.

EileenAlanna · 21/07/2019 10:58

Go ahead & get yourself a job & make sure it includes weekend work - even if it doesn't tell him it does & go out by yourself for a few hours. Tell him work comes before hobbies & he needs to get his priorities straight.

AlpenCrazy · 21/07/2019 10:59

No I'd not be happy, fuck that.

You are enabling him to live his best life whilst you suffer all the shit.

Sort it, fast.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 21/07/2019 11:00

Agree with everyone else, just get a job that works for you, childcare costs comes out of joint income and keep some aside for yourself for a hobby. Tell him every other weekend you are going out for your hobby.

Timandra · 21/07/2019 11:01

Can you make some time to sit down and have a proper conversation able this, making some long term plans that meet everyone's needs?

If not, get a weekend job and let him know that, if he wishes to continue with his hobby, he will need to arrange childcare.

AlpenCrazy · 21/07/2019 11:01

I'd go get a job and pay for any childcare out of his hobby costs.

I'd then make sure I had at least 2-3 hours every weekend outside the house myself.

Feelingwalkedover · 21/07/2019 11:04

Don’t be me op
In your shoes 20 years now
I’m not even the same person.
Confidence gone

IdaBWells · 21/07/2019 11:05

I absolutely agree with everyone that you get out there and find a job you want, full time or part time. Even if you only break even with child care it sounds like you need this for your own well-being.

Also your partner sounds self-centered and a real jerk that he has no interest in what is good for you or your needs. He apparently has no empathy for you or desire to please you and help you to be happy and fulfilled. I am concerned that he is not helping you to remain independent and empowered. His attitude makes me want to encourage you to look after your own needs as he clearly is not going to. Especially that he is continuing with a hobby that takes a whole day each week. It's a form of control to keep you dependent, I hope he is not controlling or even abusive in other areas OP? Do you make equal decisions about spending money for example?

BookBookBook · 21/07/2019 11:08

You don't have to wait for him to reduce his hours. Go out and get the job you want, and tell him the ball's in his court to make childcare work. Or you could ditch the selfish idiot and tell him to get his calculator out as regards how much maintenance he'll be paying.

Eustasiavye · 21/07/2019 11:09

I agree with you 100% op.
Id speak to your dh When you are both calm and relaxed and the kids are in bed.
Explain how youngsters that this would happen and still, 2 years down the line it hasn't and now you are going to get a job. Phrase it as you are both to go out to work and contribute to the household, the way you both agreed, then both raise your children, the way you both agreed.
He might say that he doesn't mind working full time, well good you say, but no need for that, he can spend more time with the dcs! Because you are going out to work too.
Be very calm and and amical about it.

Bottom line is you do need to protect your earning potential.
I wouldn't mention his hobby at this stage. Get the fact that you are going to be working over first. Its not an option any more for one of you to be a sahp.

thetimekeeper · 21/07/2019 11:12

He has life the way he wants it.

A true partner would want the same for you.

The only way this situation will change is if you take charge of making your own life more of what you want and need it to be. If you wait for him to make changes it will never happen.

How come you don't have much of a support network?

Juells · 21/07/2019 11:14

It cost me money to work when I started back at first. The childcare costs were a tiny bit more than I was earning. It saved my sanity though.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/07/2019 11:14

I would go back to work. Childcare costs will be a diminishing problem as your DC get older and the free hours kick in, then they go to school.

He isn’t a cyclist with a bike that costs the same as 6 months childcare is he?

Original poster

NCPhail · 21/07/2019 11:17

We've rowed this morning because as usual he gets to waltz off for another day of fun activity whilst I'm indoors holding the fort.

Children are very young, 20 months and a baby. I respect SAHM mums who do it because that's what they want to do, but I feel pushed into my position because of his defiant lack of flexibility.

I think he likes me being at home because it makes everything easier for him. The "boring" things such as the housework and shopping are done so when he's off on a weekend he can spend it relaxing and doing what he enjoys.

He's expressed a firm defiance to spending less time at work and more with the children, the thought of being at home bores him senseless and he said he would "lose his marbles" but it's ok for me, clearly.

I'm tempted to start job hunting today and tell him it's up to him to sort the childcare for once, if the job includes a weekend day which conflicts with his hobbies then tough shit.

OP posts:

sanmiguel · 21/07/2019 11:20

No I wouldn't be happy with this dynamic OP and I couldn't stay in this kind of relationship where my needs were on the floor.

If you were to split, he'd somehow have to compromise on his work or hobby to see his kids, so I think I'd be presenting that argument to him as the level of resentment that would build quite rapidly around the disrespect/control/selfishness (if you're not there already) would absolutely kill any relationship.

balonzz · 21/07/2019 11:21

I wonder would he rather 'lose his marbles' or lose his family?

I agree with the others: present your new job as a fait accompli. Could you go it alone? Is he ok in other ways?

Blondebakingmumma · 21/07/2019 11:22

Tell him you are going back to work part time. The childcare fees will have to come out of his wage if he is not willing to be flexible. Then claim 1/2 a day of the weekend for your own hobby, 1 day for family time and 1/2 day for his hobby 😁

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 21/07/2019 11:23

I'm tempted to start job hunting today and tell him it's up to him to sort the childcare for once, if the job includes a weekend day which conflicts with his hobbies then tough shit.

Yep. Do it. That’s the only way this is going to change. He has no interest in changing his set up.

Greenkit · 21/07/2019 11:23

Tomorrow, get up and go out for the full day without the children.

Whats good for the goose is good for the gander

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