The dynamic in this family is unfair and it's making me depressed

[NCPhail]

Two parent family with two young children, father works full time and i stay home with the children. This was agreed for a short period only with the agreement he would eventually amend his hours to enable us both to work. Two years later he still has not.

I'm desperate to get another job but to do so would require him to amend his working hours to take on some of the childcare, without him doing it wouldn't be feasible due to the balance of childcare fees for two so young and lack of family support able to help out. He refuses. His rota is unpredictable some weeks so this makes it difficult for me to find on a job 'around' his hours and he's happy the way things are so isn't making any effort to accommodate my needs.

We wouldn't be that much better off money wise after childcare if I were to work but it would give me a sense of independence that I desperately want.

He has a hobby which takes him out of the house for a full day every weekend. The hobby costs money but there's no spare money, or free time of my own, for me to do anything of the sort.

He has life the way he wants it.

Would you be happy with this dynamic? I'm becoming resentful, I'm depressed having lost all sense of identity and purpose in life, aside child rearing.

I would get a full time job ASAP as it doesn't sound as though your marriage is on very solid ground. A childminder might work out better than a nursery.

That way you can legitimately divide the childcare and household chores 50/50 whilst also protecting your earning power and pension contributions and progressing your career.

I cannot stand men like this, who seem to think childcare is a doddle when you're doing it all week but somehow it is simultaneously an unreasonable hardship for him to take on.

My sympathies, OP. I also have 2 under 2, and my husband is away during the week. If he came home and demanded hobby time for a whole day on the weekend I cannot tell you how fast I would be out of here!

We shared the leave with our first, and it was amazing when I went back to work! I can see why men like having stay at home wives...it was like the freedom of pre-children but getting to come home to an adorable well-cared-for cherub! So I see why your husband likes it. But if he can't or won't realise this lovely life of his is coming at the expense of your happiness, he is not worth being with.

So get a job for the weekend if it’s not possible to do weekends, and let him sort out childcare for his hobby

Things will soon become easier financially as free childcare hours and school kick in.

I dont think you over reacted telling him he is being abusive. Effectively forcing someone else to work 24 7 including weekends and keep all leftover money to spend on your own hobbies etc, is abuse. Taking away your choice to work or have interests outside the home, is abuse. He is providing the bare minimum - food and shelter. He isn't acting like he loves you all or providing his time and emotional support.

It isn't even a marriage really, with the attitude he's displaying. It's OP facilitating a man's lifestyle to her own detriment.

*I lost my rag this morning, I didn't about (Children present) but I did tell him that the dynamic and his wilful refusal to change is tantamount to abuse.

Did I overreact by saying that? It's how I feel.*
Undereacting that it’s taken this long. Do it, try for a weekend job and keep the money. Tell him if he’s not on board at the end of a month you’re selling his gaming stuff. Either that or smashing it to pieces, you will wait to see just how mad at him you are.

I can’t see the relationship lasting. Once you see how little someone cares for you or their own children you can’t unsee it.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Does he acknowledge how unreasonable he's being?

• agreeing that you'd stay home only for a short while and then go back to work. But now refusing to change to allow that.
• saying he'd be bored out of his head doing what you do all day. But not helping you get back to work.

You definitely need to protect your own interests here, because he's not.

...and take Sunday as your day. Go out somewhere and leave the kids with him. He needs to experience how tough it is (I meant, he knows that already - he's admitted it - which is why he's avoiding it at all costs). So make him do it one day every week, and only ease up if he eases up on his Saturday hobby every week too. In fact, you could spend exactly the same number of hours out of the house each sunday as he does each saturday.

You need to start equalizing the playing field - what goes for him, goes for you too.

I agree this is a type of abuse. I’m at home with the kids and DH does the majority of the child care at weekends. Including on occasion a whole weekend as I go away overnight for my hobby. The decision for me to stay at home was joint and although I know he can’t help out with childcare Monday to Friday he would shoulder the cost of additional childcare if I wanted to go back to work.
What happened to being a team?

Carrying on the family dynamic he grew up in? Is he capable of change? He sounds a total creature of habit with obsessions and a deep fear of boredom. If you work maybe he can adapt to a new habit and find that he can tolerate being bored - but if he can't, might he neglect the DC when in charge of them?

The only thing he seems to be bringing to your marriage is a salary. Do you really want to spend the next ?? number of years trying to change a man who doesn't know how/want to be a parent or husband?

If his issues stem from his family of origin that's something he needs to tackle, but I doubt he ever will from what you say. You can't change that for him.

I already thought he sounded awful, but after you stated that your dc has autism and that his sole contribution has been a phone call, well, he's just a truly horrible person. No man or woman should need their spouse to be on the edge of a nervous breakdown before they become a responsible adult.

Maybe his own parents did fall short, but he decided to get married and have children with you. He sounds like a scared, immature, selfish man who can't cope with what he's taken on. He sounds too proud to admit it, so is just running away to work and play rugby (socialise) while you fall apart.

I'd give him an ultimatum. You're going back to work, he gets a couple of hours for rugby, you get the same amount of time at the weekend for whatever you want. He does whatever is needed around the house and with the children - but not in a "helping you out" way, but as an equal parent and adult. If he can't or won't, what will you really miss about him?

the children are 20 months and a baby, perhaps you had angelic children who went to bed at 7 and slept through the night from 3 weeks old but I certainly didn't get my evenings back with any certainty until they were around 6/7 months old and even then that was only a few hours until they were awake again wanting feeding. When I had children the same stage and was really struggling someone blaming me for not having them in a good bedtime routine would have really upset me and made me feel absolutely shit.

Baby 1 slept 7-7 from 9 weeks. Baby 2 didn’t sleep through the night until he was several years old. I still had an evening routine to get them down for 7 which gave me a couple of hours break in the evenings before baby 2 would wake again. That’s it just a couple of hours, but it was precious to me. It won’t be possible with all children and im not suggesting they will suddenly sleep all night long but worth trying if it’s not something OP already does. I certainly was not blaming Op for anything! I was making a suggestion that might help her slightly. Put your defensiveness away.

The DC were created 50/50 by you and DH, all costs and labour should also be 50/50. The childcare costs are a joint expense, anything else is madness and potentially financial abuse if you don't have access to money.

He is a complete twat treating you as less than human, disgusting. I really hope you can get a job and a good reliable nursery or childminder OP.

Serious (repeated) question: how come he's off to rugby today? It's July, ffs. Our local (large) club is virtually closed down from May to September. Certainly no weekend fixtures.

I'd be looking for a job now and on a weekend before he goes out to do his hobby I'd go out for the whole day every single time.
What an utter arse he sounds to be, also he will get worse as he gets older not better.

OP.
My H and I had our kids 15 and 12 years ago.
Much wanted, planned IVF babies.
Both have Autism.
He WILL NOT alter his work to 'help' in any way. Never has.
I've not been able to work for some years as there are many appointments and school refusals to deal with. My health has suffered with the stress, both physical and mental.
I left nearly 3 years ago. Took my kids and a few bits and went.
The family house is still on the market. He comes to see them at mine at the weekend (they hate going back to 'his' house)
He considers he is 'giving me a break'. He sits on his backside watching TV / eating my food, occasionally interacting with them.
Last year I took on a full-time position. In 24m it would have paid more than his job. I was not able to continue due to health issues (kids and mine, under the stress of it all). I had to stop. He said: 'I told you so'.
I said: 'why can you not look after them' and he said: 'why should I lose my pension and live on benefits, not likely, it would drive me crazy'.
I hate him.
Don't be me.

*I think he likes me being at home because it makes everything easier for him. The "boring" things such as the housework and shopping are done so when he's off on a weekend he can spend it relaxing and doing what he enjoys.

Well, of course. That's the dynamic behind so many of those pious, wide-eyed, terminally deluded posts on here from someone who says she is 'so blessed and fortunate' to be a SAHM, and that that's what she and her DH agreed was 'best for our family'. Basically, a selfish man gets to sidestep parental and household gruntwork under the guise of being a 'hardworking provider' while the little woman bustles around in a pinny, and is supposed to feel 'grateful' for her opportunity to devote herself to nappies and vacuuming.*

This with bloody bells on.

(Sorry for shameful vent)

If you can't vent on an anonymous message board to other women, where can you?

Juells you should get 💐 too for that.

Just wondering what your DH thought about being a parent before you TTC? Was he living in cloud cuckoo land?!

"I wouldn't be surprised if he does spend the rest of the day in the bar."

He's a selfish arse!

He's doing precious little at home and spending family money he can ill afford to!

Time he grew up!

WHY WHY WHY do women put up with this shit?!

I've been a single mum 16 years, my ex when we were still together and dd was tiny TRIED this shit on for precisely 1 month! I pretty much lost the head when he made me a LIST of things he wanted me to do "seeing as you're not busy"!!! and made it very clear if he thought my being a sahm meant he didn't do ANYTHING at all at home AND got to spend weekends on the piss/farting around at sports he had another think coming!

Quite honestly even though I nipped the worst of it in the bud there was definitely an imbalance and as a single mum I have much less to do and obviously no resentment on a daily basis as its all down to me.

There are of course cons to that too, but honestly given the choice of single parent v being some overgrown 9 year olds slave I'll take single parenthood every day and twice on Sunday!

Sorry op but also quite honestly men like this VERY rarely change. Unless he agrees to therapy and actively changing I'd say you're into a loser here.

So I would say get a job ASAP in order to be prepared to go it alone.