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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The dynamic in this family is unfair and it's making me depressed

109 replies

NCPhail · 21/07/2019 10:43

Two parent family with two young children, father works full time and i stay home with the children. This was agreed for a short period only with the agreement he would eventually amend his hours to enable us both to work. Two years later he still has not.

I'm desperate to get another job but to do so would require him to amend his working hours to take on some of the childcare, without him doing it wouldn't be feasible due to the balance of childcare fees for two so young and lack of family support able to help out. He refuses. His rota is unpredictable some weeks so this makes it difficult for me to find on a job 'around' his hours and he's happy the way things are so isn't making any effort to accommodate my needs.

We wouldn't be that much better off money wise after childcare if I were to work but it would give me a sense of independence that I desperately want.

He has a hobby which takes him out of the house for a full day every weekend. The hobby costs money but there's no spare money, or free time of my own, for me to do anything of the sort.

He has life the way he wants it.

Would you be happy with this dynamic? I'm becoming resentful, I'm depressed having lost all sense of identity and purpose in life, aside child rearing.

OP posts:
SecretMillionaire · 21/07/2019 11:55

My ex was every bit as selfish as your husband is. Our daughter was sick and I asked him to move his start time at work by one hour so that we would both be able to work that day and she would be cared for by us both. He refused and I had to take a days leave. On another occasion he refused to care for our daughter on his day off. I said I was going to work and he’d have to man up, I ended up not going because he said if I walked out the door I wouldn’t get back in and he meant it.

Blondebakingmumma · 21/07/2019 11:57

Working Saturday and Sunday is a brilliant suggestion!

Herocomplex · 21/07/2019 12:01

Secret that’s awful. Glad you got rid.

exwhyzed · 21/07/2019 12:03

joxer the children are 20 months and a baby, perhaps you had angelic children who went to bed at 7 and slept through the night from 3 weeks old but I certainly didn't get my evenings back with any certainty until they were around 6/7 months old and even then that was only a few hours until they were awake again wanting feeding. When I had children the same stage and was really struggling someone blaming me for not having them in a good bedtime routine would have really upset me and made me feel absolutely shit.

OP 2 under 2 is a really really tough age gap, I'm just coming out of the other side of it and I also have a partner who works from home self employed for 6.5 days a week, and needs a lot of reminding that it doesn't entitle him to do fuck all in the house as a result.

Going back to work a 3 days a week has saved my sanity and he's just had to suck up the hassle/ cost and most importantly some of the responsibility for organising childcare on those days.

happywifi99 · 21/07/2019 12:06

It was perfectly reasonable to say it's tantamount to abuse - it is. He is choosing to let you become depressed, isolated, dependent, and miserable because it means he can go enjoy things he wants to do.

This is abuse. What would happen if you did get a job? Would he pull his socks up and arrange childcare and help with housework? Would he throw a tantrum? Would he grudgingly accept it but still expect you to do everything around the house on top of your job?

Please, please, please get yourself back to being independent. Get that job. Have the time to yourself to enjoy sims, or get out the house and pursue your own hobbies. It is not ok for him to behave like this, or treat you like this. Does he remember this arrangement was supposed to be temporary?

dottiedodah · 21/07/2019 12:09

The problem here is that you seem to have settled into being a SAHM/general dogsbody!.When someone chooses to stay home with their children it should be a joint decision .Not him carrying on as though he were still single FFS!.You are entitled to a life as well.Tell him you will be getting a job ASAP and need him to step up to the mark .If he protests then you will have to be firm and explain this was only for a short period .Childcare may be expensive at first ,but in a few years DC will be at school so it will balance out in the long run.

TanyaChix · 21/07/2019 12:12

It sounds utterly unbearable and I don’t know how he can be such a selfish, lazy ‘parent’. I’m not surprised you feel massively down. I really would lose all respect for a man behaving like this - YANBU at all!

Original poster
NCPhail · 21/07/2019 12:13

Children were very much planned yes.

He does his bit when he's at home, baths and bedtime etc. but I would do the same regardless of whether i'd had a long day at work because unfortunately for him parenting isn't something you can clock out of.

His parents are equally as disinterested in him as they are our DC, they're not a close family so I suspect he's inherited his dad's mentality which is work long hours and be out of the house as much as possible.

I've started looking at job vacancies and when he gets home I'll be telling him I'm going to take the first one I'm offered so the onus is on him to sort the childcare for once.

I absolutely agree I need to protect my earning potential. I've been out of work for two years now and the longer this goes on the harder it will be to explain such a large gap on my CV.

Our eldest child has autism and he's had almost no involvement in appointments or accessing support. I had a mini break down a few weeks ago where I succumbed to the pressure/worry of DC not getting the support he desperately needs so DH did the one and only thing he's ever done as far as DS's special needs go and that was telephone a support line and ask for local resources. This is the one solitary effort he's gone to, to support me with his SN.

He said he would take him to speech and language therapy last week but magically forgot all about it.

I'm exhausted. I would love a little weekend job to get me out of the house Sad

OP posts:
TanyaChix · 21/07/2019 12:14

And yes, I do think it’s a kind of abuse. He’s controlling you in a way because he’s giving you no choice over your own life and deliberately ignoring the fact that this is causing you distress. It’s like he hears you are upset but chooses to do fuck all because it suits him better not to. Selfish man.

PancakeAndKeith · 21/07/2019 12:15

How many times do we have this situation on here?
So many men who have their day of their sport or their hobby leaving the wife stuck with the children for another day on their own. God save us from men and their hobbies.

Announce of Friday that you are going out with a friend all day on Saturday or Sunday (which ever day it is he plays). If he gets the hump then just remind him of all the time he gets to himself.

He clearly doesn’t value what you do all day. He most likely think it involves swanning around coffee shops.

cafenoirbiscuit · 21/07/2019 12:18

World of Warcraft almost ended my marriage. I hate it.

Your DH is being an arse.

Original poster
NCPhail · 21/07/2019 12:18

I think he assumes I spend all day sat on my arse.

I'm just as busy as he is albeit in a different way, and he gets breaks where he can go and get coffee or lunch on his own. I don't have that privilege as whatever I go, the children go.

OP posts:
sanmiguel · 21/07/2019 12:26

Your days will be relentless OP. I can't even imagine. That's not to say his days are not relentless (I'm sure they are, my days are in a FT pressured career but I don't also come home to 2 under 2!) but it's about the lack of choice afforded to you to pursue any of your dreams or ambitions, seek independence or achieve recognition outside of the house. Only his wishes or expectations are heard. You get no down time and there's no value been placed on your worth.

I'm glad you're going to look for work and present it to him as a done deal, as opposed to something you'll eventually be trodden on about to eventually back down.

Lots of luck and let us know how you get on.

AlpenCrazy · 21/07/2019 12:37

I think a weekend job is an excellent plan. It can be your break from the relentless slog, and he might finally realise what you do all day.

By spending more time with his children he might also realise he actually likes it.

user1480880826 · 21/07/2019 12:43

This is totally unfair and not what you signed up for. Find a job and tell him to find a less selfish and expensive hobby

fotheringhay · 21/07/2019 12:46

I can't understand all these men who would claim to love their wives but don't give a shit if they're unhappy

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/07/2019 12:49

He doesn’t need a whole day for rugby (both my DC play - one at Academy level). He needs a couple of hours for rugby and I suspect the rest of it is spent in the bar.

CallmeAngelina · 21/07/2019 12:57

He plays rugby in July?!

AnyOldPrion · 21/07/2019 12:59

Glad you’re going out and looking for a job. Long term, you need to look after yourself and the longer you stay home, the more you become dependent on him.

I may be cynical, but I suspect he wants you to be dependent on him. That way he can justify his treatment of you in his head, whilst feeling safe that you won’t leave him, not because you love him, but because there’s no choice.

I’ve wasted huge tracts of my life on a man like this. He treated me better when I had a job and it was obvious I could leave... but then I became ill and lost my job and I realised that if I didn’t get away from him, I would be dependent forever on a bully.

I don’t know where you’ll end up. Maybe he’ll change. But looking back, my fear of being a single parent stopped me from leaving for years. But with hindsight, I would have probably been happier, and I suspect the children would too as he also saw them as an inconvenience.

Original poster
NCPhail · 21/07/2019 13:02

He doesn't play professionally, it's something he's done for years as a hobby. I wouldn't be surprised if he does spend the rest of the day in the bar.

OP posts:
Original poster
NCPhail · 21/07/2019 13:02

I'm reading and taking on board every reply, thank you all.

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 21/07/2019 13:04

What a selfish arse he is. He's treating you like a household appliance, not as an equal partner. You'll have to tell him (in a calm manner) that things have to change, or you'll get more free time by parting, then he'll have to parent his DC EOW.

Rosielily · 21/07/2019 13:04

He's expressed a firm defiance to spending less time at work and more with the children, the thought of being at home bores him senseless and he said he would "lose his marbles" but it's ok for me, clearly.

Does he do anything with you altogether as a family? What about holidays, bank holidays, etc?

CallmeAngelina · 21/07/2019 13:05

Didn't think even amateur teams played in the summer.

Bringonspring · 21/07/2019 13:10

Sending you hugs OP. 100% look for that job today. There are some great CM our there but to be honest even if you make less than childcare it’s about your mental wellbeing and being in the job market means you’ll get more money in the future,