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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The dynamic in this family is unfair and it's making me depressed

109 replies

NCPhail · 21/07/2019 10:43

Two parent family with two young children, father works full time and i stay home with the children. This was agreed for a short period only with the agreement he would eventually amend his hours to enable us both to work. Two years later he still has not.

I'm desperate to get another job but to do so would require him to amend his working hours to take on some of the childcare, without him doing it wouldn't be feasible due to the balance of childcare fees for two so young and lack of family support able to help out. He refuses. His rota is unpredictable some weeks so this makes it difficult for me to find on a job 'around' his hours and he's happy the way things are so isn't making any effort to accommodate my needs.

We wouldn't be that much better off money wise after childcare if I were to work but it would give me a sense of independence that I desperately want.

He has a hobby which takes him out of the house for a full day every weekend. The hobby costs money but there's no spare money, or free time of my own, for me to do anything of the sort.

He has life the way he wants it.

Would you be happy with this dynamic? I'm becoming resentful, I'm depressed having lost all sense of identity and purpose in life, aside child rearing.

OP posts:

Original poster

NCPhail · 21/07/2019 11:23

He's not a cyclist no, rugby is his sport of choice and then he plays endless hours of world of Warcraft on his laptop at night time into the small hours. Ok this is when me and the DC are going to bed, but still.

His life in order of priorities are:

Work
Rugby
Warcraft game
DC
Me

Its all a bit shit isn't it.

OP posts:

BookBookBook · 21/07/2019 11:24

We've rowed this morning because as usual he gets to waltz off for another day of fun activity whilst I'm indoors holding the fort.

Who made this rule? Get up early next Saturday, tell him the children are his for the day, and head off and do something fun. Then come home and tell him that this will be happening every weekend until further notice.

I think he likes me being at home because it makes everything easier for him. The "boring" things such as the housework and shopping are done so when he's off on a weekend he can spend it relaxing and doing what he enjoys.

Well, of course. That's the dynamic behind so many of those pious, wide-eyed, terminally deluded posts on here from someone who says she is 'so blessed and fortunate' to be a SAHM, and that that's what she and her DH agreed was 'best for our family'.

Basically, a selfish man gets to sidestep parental and household gruntwork under the guise of being a 'hardworking provider' while the little woman bustles around in a pinny, and is supposed to feel 'grateful' for her opportunity to devote herself to nappies and vacuuming.

You need to stop thinking about what he likes/prefers/is comfortable with. Get a job. Tell him he needs to start checking out childminders/nannies/nurseries. Good luck.

WatchingFromTheWings · 21/07/2019 11:25

I'm tempted to start job hunting today

Do it!

AlpenCrazy · 21/07/2019 11:25

I'm tempted to start job hunting today and tell him it's up to him to sort the childcare for once, if the job includes a weekend day which conflicts with his hobbies then tough shit.

DO IT NOW.

I can't believe you are even considering not doing this because it might interfere with his hobby.

Your mental health comes before his stupid hobby.

Original poster

NCPhail · 21/07/2019 11:26

We have limited support but all of that is on my side. I have a relative who will happily mind the children for a couple of hours if I have an appointment such as tomorrow when I have a psychological therapy appointment, but they wouldn't be able to contribute to regular childcare because of their own commitments.

Zero support from his family whatsoever, totally disinterested in the children.

OP posts:

sanmiguel · 21/07/2019 11:27

Yes it is a bit shit @NCPhail

You've hit the angry, you can put that anger into something constructive now.

Go do this!

TravellingSpoon · 21/07/2019 11:29

I bet the hobby is cycling.

Go and get a job, he is finding what works for him and makes him happy so you need to do the same. It also means if he doesn't change and your relationship breaks down, you will have some independence.

Original poster

NCPhail · 21/07/2019 11:29

I lost my rag this morning, I didn't about (Children present) but I did tell him that the dynamic and his wilful refusal to change is tantamount to abuse.

Did I overreact by saying that? It's how I feel.

OP posts:

AlpenCrazy · 21/07/2019 11:29

Can I ask if you agreed to have children together OP?

It seems like he doesn't want a family.

Herocomplex · 21/07/2019 11:30

He’s made his pitch in the negotiation, you make yours. Point out if you separated he’d be looking at shared arrangements.
This stage doesn’t last forever, your DC’s are the priority but your mental wellbeing has to be protected.
I don’t understand how he thinks you can have any respect for him when he’s disregarding your and his children’s needs.
Someone said to me recently that a good relationship should be a kindness competition.

AlpenCrazy · 21/07/2019 11:31

Not an overreaction. TBH in your situation I'd be threatening to up sticks. He's not being a proper husband or father - I'd point out he's failing woefully on both counts.

Bumpitybumper · 21/07/2019 11:31

You need to stop facilitating his selfishness as you are essentially allowing yourself to become the default parent and adult that does all the stuff he doesn't want to do.

In real terms this means that you tell him that you are getting a job and that it might be wise for him to discuss with you how he sees his job being compatible with you working. If he refuses to engage then tell him that you will have to make a unilateral decision then.

Stop doing all the household chores and shopping in the week. You being a SAHM does not mean that your partner gets to disengage from all the more mundane tasks associated with family life.

Tell him that you will require anytime you spend facilitating his hobby at the weekends to be reciprocated. Make sure you enforce this and are in position to leave the house early on your weekend day off.

Original poster

NCPhail · 21/07/2019 11:31

It's rugby Spoon, and some online Warcraft game every night.

I quite enjoy the Sims (so I'm not griefing gamers) but I don't get time to play that anymore because my every waking moment is spent looking after young children who require me not to be out running around a field or having my eyes buried into a game.

OP posts:

AlpenCrazy · 21/07/2019 11:32

Sometimes they don't see the problem as their friends that they play rugby with/go away with etc are in different stages of their lives ie no kids/grown kids etc.

RowingMermaid · 21/07/2019 11:35

On the day he doesn't do his hobby on the weekend make sure you get out of the house and leave him with the children.

Do not martyr yourself, if you were suddenly hospitalised he would have to do it all himself anyway.

Secondly get a job, tell him that as he refused to discuss this like adults then it might be that the job requires you to work some or all of the weekend so he will need to sort out childcare as you will be at work. He should be looking after the children and if he isn't able to it is down to him to sort it.

I have been a SAHM for almost 15 years. I am unable to work part time hours because my health won't allow for it. But I do short volunteering stints as both my DC are in secondary school. But Dh regularly asks me if there is anything he can do to make my life easier. He brings me a cup of tea in bed on weekdays (the children do it on a weekend) and he falls over himself to tell me how grateful he is for everything that I do.

Yes, it is boring as shit sometimes, the drudgery of housework etc and I believe that is your Dh's fear that he will have to do housework and look after his own children. But if you were divorced he would have no choice but to do this in his own home.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 21/07/2019 11:35

but I don't get time to play that anymore because my every waking moment is spent looking after young children who require me not to be out running around a field or having my eyes buried into a game.

If your children aren’t in a good bedtime routine make that a priority. You will regain so much of your evening time back if you can get them both to sleep by 7/8pm.

Herocomplex · 21/07/2019 11:36

Does he do much with the DC’s? Bath? Playing? Reading stories? Has he taken well to bring a dad?

TheInebriati · 21/07/2019 11:36

You're his partner, not his P.A. Please do yourself a favour and start jobhunting. He has no incentive to change anything, don't wait for him to catch you up.

SandyY2K · 21/07/2019 11:37

All I would say is tackle the problem now, or this will become your life and your mental health will suffer.

I'm quite sure if you let your therapist know, they would encourage you to work.

Perhaps let your DH know that this has been recommended by your Psychologist after you expressed your feelings about being a SAHM and wanting to get back into work.

The current situation will just build up anger and resentment...not making for a happy marriage.

Charliecatpaws · 21/07/2019 11:37

If I were in your shoes I’d be looking for a job to work Saturday and Sunday and leave him to do the childcare for two days, he sounds like a total knob!

Herocomplex · 21/07/2019 11:40

Saying his family are not interested in the DC’s is interesting, were they interested in him? Does he understand how to parent?

DarlingNikita · 21/07/2019 11:41

I'm tempted to start job hunting today and tell him it's up to him to sort the childcare for once, if the job includes a weekend day which conflicts with his hobbies then tough shit.

Do exactly that. Stop cooking, housework and shopping as well.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/07/2019 11:43

I got very into an online war game. You often play as a team and it becomes very addictive. My DC started commenting on how addicted I was. I realised that the only option was to delete it.

Giraffey1 · 21/07/2019 11:45

He sounds very spoilt and childish. It’s everything on his terms . No discussion, no negotiation. It’s time to shift the balance- the longer you leave it, the harder it’s going to be to change.
So I would say yes, go and and look for that job. Arrange to go out once or twice a week in the evening. He can look after the kids, after all, he is their father! And yes, get up early on Saturday or Sunday and take yourself off out for the day. It’s time he realised that it’s not your job to look after the children, it’s his job too.

Bodear · 21/07/2019 11:48

It absolutely is abusive OP. I wouldn’t (couldn’t) stay in a relationship like that. You KNOW he doesn’t care about you; he’s just using you to facilitate his life.

If you left him exactly how would your life be worse?

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