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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

regarding what my partner said around my daughter

104 replies

waterfall29 · 20/07/2019 09:59

My partner and I have been together for 5 years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is six years old, I have a very amicable relationship with her dad and his partner who is great with her. Last night I was waiting for her dad to pick my daughter up, due to his job this can be anytime on a Friday when he has finished work. He has her for a weekend, every other week. There has been the odd occasion in which he has gone away at the last minute on his weekend socially and my daughter hasn't seen him. and then in the next sentence complains about how lucky I am to have more time with our daughter (this is relevant).

My partner has been in my daughters life for three years and is great with her. He does everything he can for her. He sits and builds with her, takes her to and from her activities, school work etc, never had any concerns.

Last night we were waiting for her dad to pick my daughter up when he he mumbled along the lines of 'if he so bothered about time with you, he would have been here by now'. My daughter thankfully didn't hear but I had. I asked him to repeat what he said after I closed the door on my daughter and he said I am sorry I shouldn't have said that it was out of order. I said that he was bang out of order and what if my daughter had heard that. He told me to leave it and that it was an obvious accident. So carried on as normal, until her dad picked her up shortly after 19.00. I haven't really spoken to him since as I can't shake the fact that he said that. He knows how I feel and we have discussed this from the beginning, that I cannot tolerate behaviour that will impact my daughter. That her daddy and I are not together but there is no animosity and i don't ever want my daughter thinking there is.

For context, he has a teenage daughter and I said to him last night despite all of the issues from his ex partner, I could not imagine making digs in front of his daughter. To me the children's welfare should first and foremost. He expects me to drop it as he didn't mean it to come out and that I am overreacting. But I can't help thinking about it and have not really spoken to him. AIBU to be upset ?

OP posts:

Original poster

waterfall29 · 20/07/2019 09:59

'his job'

OP posts:

thefrostywhippet · 20/07/2019 10:01

well he`s got a point. I mean her dad knows its every other weekend and still socialises on that that time!

Finishing times at work , yes I understand. The other no.

twattymctwatterson · 20/07/2019 10:02

You are not unreasonable to be upset and he needs to understand that he can't ever comment like that in front of your daughter again as it's emotionally abusive. A six year old won't hear that and think that her step dad is angry about how her dad is treating her, she'll hear it and think "my dad doesn't love me". That's what he needs to understand.

BigBairyHollocks · 20/07/2019 10:03

I think given everything he has done over the last few years,that this one slip clearly isn’t representative of who he is.Let it go,but any further comments like that would be a different story.

Stressedout10 · 20/07/2019 10:03

Yes he shouldn't of said it around her but he is correct

Greensleeves · 20/07/2019 10:04

he said I am sorry I shouldn't have said that it was out of order

What more would you like him to say/do?

He made an inappropriate comment. It slipped out because he was irritated. He apologised immediately and agreed that he shouldn't have said it. Move on!

Grimbles · 20/07/2019 10:04

Unless theres a huge backstory here, I do think you are over-reacting here.

Your ex does sound a bit 'flaky' if you have to wait around for him to turn up - more so if he drops her last minute to do something better.

Cheeserton · 20/07/2019 10:04

Seems he's acknowledged it, and he's generally great with her, so what on earth will going on and on about it achieve?

LittleFairywren · 20/07/2019 10:05

He's apologised and acknowledged he shouldn't have said it and she didn't hear. What more do you want him to do?

TinyMystery · 20/07/2019 10:05

He shouldn’t have said it but he clearly cares a lot for her and was frustrated by her father’s attitude and I can understand that. You’re blowing it out of proportion a bit.

MauritiusNext · 20/07/2019 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheStoic · 20/07/2019 10:07

He’s right. Your anger is misplaced, and should be directed at your ex.

TinyMystery · 20/07/2019 10:07

‘It’s emotionally abusive’

One misjudged comment out of frustration is not emotional abuse.

fotheringhay · 20/07/2019 10:07

He absolutely must not say things like that around her, could have a terrible effect on her self esteem

Monstermissy36 · 20/07/2019 10:08

My stand out childhood memory of my dad is waiting up the window for him to appear to collect us... some days stood for a couple of hours. My mum never said a bad word against him either so the realisation that he wasn't great hit hard as I got older!

Why can't he come at a set time? I think your partner is seeing this little girl waiting about and is rightly annoyed by it, it's not nice for her.

TidyDancer · 20/07/2019 10:09

You should drop this. You've overreacted. He definitely shouldn't say it in front of your DD but he is correct. He's apologised. What more do you want?

BitchQueen90 · 20/07/2019 10:10

I would let it go if it's only happened the once, but I would make it clear he is not to say such things again.

Things like that should never be said in front of the child.

Cheeserton · 20/07/2019 10:10

One misjudged comment out of frustration is not emotional abuse.

Counting down for someone to trot out 'controlling' too...

Mummyshark2018 · 20/07/2019 10:10

He verbalised his thoughts before thinking. Surely you've thought the same as him at some point. I agree he should t say it around your dc but he has apologised and will prob be more sensitive in the future. Move on and enjoy your weekend!

Grimbles · 20/07/2019 10:10

If he cant set a time to come on friday evening because of work, then maybe the arrangement needs to be that he picks her up on saturday morning.

Contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the child, not the convenience of the parent.

Otterhound · 20/07/2019 10:11

He apologised, admitted he was out of order you confirmed that he was so not sure what more you want? but you seem to be going at it like a terrier with a bone.

Personally there is nothing more frustrating on this planet, other than reading appalling instructions on flat pack furniture, than waiting around for other people.

dontlikebeards · 20/07/2019 10:12

fotheringhay - I think the bigger effect on her self esteem will be waiting around not knowing when her daddy will turn up.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 20/07/2019 10:13

I think hes right your ex sounds like a dickhead...you're angry with the wrong person!

cheeseandpineapple · 20/07/2019 10:13

He’s acknowledged the mistake, he’s apologised. Move on from it or at least deal with it constructively and talk about how you both feel as it sounds like there might be some resentment on his part which you should hear out. But on balance would move on from it after acknowledging your ex can be frustrating but you massively appreciate what your partner is doing for your daughter and in time she will figure out what’s what for herself but you can both claim the moral high ground.

Rystall · 20/07/2019 10:14

Think you’re overreacting.

Yes, he shouldn’t have said that but he’s recognised that and apologised and your daughter didn’t hear it. End of.

There’s a difference between having an amicable relationship with your ex and pandering to his whims / facilitating him. Why can’t he collect her at a prearranged time?

Sounds like your partner cares for your DD and is highly frustrated by your ex’s casual attitude.

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