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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

regarding what my partner said around my daughter

104 replies

waterfall29 · 20/07/2019 09:59

My partner and I have been together for 5 years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is six years old, I have a very amicable relationship with her dad and his partner who is great with her. Last night I was waiting for her dad to pick my daughter up, due to his job this can be anytime on a Friday when he has finished work. He has her for a weekend, every other week. There has been the odd occasion in which he has gone away at the last minute on his weekend socially and my daughter hasn't seen him. and then in the next sentence complains about how lucky I am to have more time with our daughter (this is relevant).

My partner has been in my daughters life for three years and is great with her. He does everything he can for her. He sits and builds with her, takes her to and from her activities, school work etc, never had any concerns.

Last night we were waiting for her dad to pick my daughter up when he he mumbled along the lines of 'if he so bothered about time with you, he would have been here by now'. My daughter thankfully didn't hear but I had. I asked him to repeat what he said after I closed the door on my daughter and he said I am sorry I shouldn't have said that it was out of order. I said that he was bang out of order and what if my daughter had heard that. He told me to leave it and that it was an obvious accident. So carried on as normal, until her dad picked her up shortly after 19.00. I haven't really spoken to him since as I can't shake the fact that he said that. He knows how I feel and we have discussed this from the beginning, that I cannot tolerate behaviour that will impact my daughter. That her daddy and I are not together but there is no animosity and i don't ever want my daughter thinking there is.

For context, he has a teenage daughter and I said to him last night despite all of the issues from his ex partner, I could not imagine making digs in front of his daughter. To me the children's welfare should first and foremost. He expects me to drop it as he didn't mean it to come out and that I am overreacting. But I can't help thinking about it and have not really spoken to him. AIBU to be upset ?

OP posts:

Monsterpage · 20/07/2019 10:59

I agree with others, he loves your daughter and prob feels lucky to be in her life and her feckless father who should want to make the most of every moment he can spend with her can’t put enough effort in.

I think you should apologise for the cold shoulder treatment and explain you know where his frustrations came from, you share them but every effort must be made to not allow your daughter to hear them.

This man loves your daughter and has been there for the past 3 years - cut him a little slack.

Rachelover40 · 20/07/2019 11:00

He said it was sorry, the remark just slipped out and he won't do it again so why carry on being annoyed?

drowningincustard · 20/07/2019 11:00

It sounds like you are treading a fine line with being amicable with the ex but deep down its frustrating you, but you are taking it out on the wrong person. Actions speak louder than words - and it seems like your partner is way more reliable as a parent. Accept the apology and move on.

thedancingbear · 20/07/2019 11:09

Yep, seems like you're taking your anger on your ex out on your current partner. From what you've said, he doesn't deserve that.

Lizzielocket · 20/07/2019 11:11

Your DP is not emotionally abusive. Absolutely insane to say that he is but there’s always one.
YABU a little bit, your ex has cancelled at short notice in the past, if he was that committed he would not make plans on his contact times. You sound very protective of your ex. As you say your DP is great with your DD and has been in her life for 3 years, he obviously has bonded with her and to make a comment like that means he cares and is invested in her life. He has apologised, you should let this go.

WhiteDust · 20/07/2019 11:19

He's right. His only crime is saying it out loud in front of your DD. If he's apologised let it go. It was said out of frustration.
Why you are sulking with current partner & defending your ex's thoughtless behaviour is a mystery.
If I was your DP I'd be wondering where your loyalties lie tbh.

GabsAlot · 20/07/2019 11:20

He made a mistake and apologised at least he cares

Take it out on your ex not him

WhiteDust · 20/07/2019 11:20

You need to apologise now OP.

LadyRannaldini · 20/07/2019 11:21

Have you never blurted out a 'thought' and regreted it a nano-second later, maybe something you hadn't intended to verbalise? We're all human, it happens, he's apologised, he sounds a better bet than your daughter's father for reliability.

AgentProvocateur · 20/07/2019 11:25

He shouldn’t have said it within earshot of your daughter but he’s 100% right.

TanMateix · 20/07/2019 11:28

No need to offer a Saturday morning pick up, that takes half of the day off and they are already not spending much time together.

What is the latest he can pick it up considering his work arrangements? 7:30pm? Tell him that you will be waiting at x point (coffee shop/public space) half way through and that you will be getting back home with her (contact cancelled) if he doesn’t show up within 20 minutes.

This helped a lot with my ex, who seemed to think that he could arrive as early or late as he saw fit because we were always at home. It really screwed our plans right left and centre, so meeting in a neutral place make the arrangement more formal.

Namechangedonceagain · 20/07/2019 11:40

YABU. Sounds like what he said is true and that you're annoyed with the wrong person!

Catsandchardonnay · 20/07/2019 11:46

Another voice saying you’re angry with the wrong person. Apologise to DP and let it go. And you need some firm rules with your ex. To cancel a weekend because he has something social to do is completely unacceptable. It means your DD doesn’t see him for 4 weeks which is an eternity to a 4 year old. She needs stability in her life. Which your DP is giving her in spades. Don’t hold an accidental but truthful comment against him. And remind yourself why you’re with him not your ex. He’s a better man by far.

happyhillock · 20/07/2019 11:48

Your ex arrives to pick up his DD when he feel's like it, your P acknowledges that and he's in the wrong?, okay he shouldn't have said it in front of your daughter but she didn't hear what he said, its not your P that should be apologising

MollyButton · 20/07/2019 11:52

Actually I don't think you are angry with the wrong person - not totally.
I do think you need to explain to him that: Yes her Dad is a bit neglectful and unreliable, and yes he shouldn't be. BUT it is far more harmful if your DD gets the idea that her Father's flakiness means he doesn't care and so she isn't important to him or he doesn't love her. She can have two father figures in her life. But she doesn't need anyone even if accidentally damaging her self-confidence.
It was a mistake - and no harm done as she didn't hear. But if he has to make those comments he needs to make 200% sure she cannot overhear.

Yabbers · 20/07/2019 11:52

He is right to think it. Right to say it to you. Made a mistake to say it in DDs earshot. He apologised, he sounds pretty decent, what more do you want? Isn’t he allowed to criticise your ex? It sounds like someone needs to.

Notthetoothfairy · 20/07/2019 11:53

You overreacted and should move on. Your partner sounds lovely.

Boysey45 · 20/07/2019 12:28

His right though isn't he? Your ex isn't bothered that much about your daughter or else he would be on time and see her more than every other weekend. She will be able to work all this out for herself soon enough and wont need to be told.

Boysey45 · 20/07/2019 12:31

If someone is flaky and unreliable it most certainly does show they don't care in my experience. Actions speak louder than words.

I wouldn't be defending this utter flake to your daughter when she starts asking questions, which she will do.

alwayslearning789 · 20/07/2019 12:35

"I cannot tolerate behaviour that will impact my daughter"

It is indeed your ex's behaviour that will have the impact here.

YABU.

Atalune · 20/07/2019 12:36

He’s defensive of your Dd, which 100% not ok for him to say in front of her. But he’s right.

What’s with the EOW? And he cancels that too sometimes? I wouldn’t be ok with that. Are you?

SunshineCake · 20/07/2019 12:40

Picking her up on a Saturday morning won't work as he won't get his lie ins and it is harder to stick to an actual time, regularly, rather than just coming straight from work.

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/07/2019 12:40

As long as he can assure you it will never happen again, forgive him and move on.

He said it because he was hurt on your DD’s behalf.

C8H10N4O2 · 20/07/2019 13:07

He shouldn't have said it in front of her but he has apologised and he has a point - what exactly do you want him to do?
Just four nights a month and yet father can't pick her up on time, sometimes ditching her at the last minute sounds pretty poor parenting. to me.

Amicable with her father is good, but is it only amicable so long as you don't point out how he's letting his daughter down?

I had exactly the same thought.

dottiedodah · 20/07/2019 13:10

If its a random "off the cuff" comment said hastily then let it go.Thing is he is good with your daughter and probably feels impatient for her TBH. I dont like waiting around either .Its probably not DPs highlight of the week to be waiting for the ex husband to come really!

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