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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

regarding what my partner said around my daughter

104 replies

waterfall29 · 20/07/2019 09:59

My partner and I have been together for 5 years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is six years old, I have a very amicable relationship with her dad and his partner who is great with her. Last night I was waiting for her dad to pick my daughter up, due to his job this can be anytime on a Friday when he has finished work. He has her for a weekend, every other week. There has been the odd occasion in which he has gone away at the last minute on his weekend socially and my daughter hasn't seen him. and then in the next sentence complains about how lucky I am to have more time with our daughter (this is relevant).

My partner has been in my daughters life for three years and is great with her. He does everything he can for her. He sits and builds with her, takes her to and from her activities, school work etc, never had any concerns.

Last night we were waiting for her dad to pick my daughter up when he he mumbled along the lines of 'if he so bothered about time with you, he would have been here by now'. My daughter thankfully didn't hear but I had. I asked him to repeat what he said after I closed the door on my daughter and he said I am sorry I shouldn't have said that it was out of order. I said that he was bang out of order and what if my daughter had heard that. He told me to leave it and that it was an obvious accident. So carried on as normal, until her dad picked her up shortly after 19.00. I haven't really spoken to him since as I can't shake the fact that he said that. He knows how I feel and we have discussed this from the beginning, that I cannot tolerate behaviour that will impact my daughter. That her daddy and I are not together but there is no animosity and i don't ever want my daughter thinking there is.

For context, he has a teenage daughter and I said to him last night despite all of the issues from his ex partner, I could not imagine making digs in front of his daughter. To me the children's welfare should first and foremost. He expects me to drop it as he didn't mean it to come out and that I am overreacting. But I can't help thinking about it and have not really spoken to him. AIBU to be upset ?

OP posts:
Atalune · 20/07/2019 10:31

He apologised. He understood your POV.

Move on.

Does her dad live very far. EOW seems quite rare.... I wouldn’t like that.

flumpybear · 20/07/2019 10:32

Over reaction. He apologised and fwiw your ex is an arse for organising time away on his weekend, swap by all means but don't assume it's ok and then manipulate by saying you should enjoy having your daughter for more time .... this is shoddy behaviour, trying to cover his own entitled behaviours

Sounds like your current partner steps up and supports you, he made one mistake - if you're willing to jack it all in because of that you're a fool

Adviceneeded29 · 20/07/2019 10:32

Thank you. I will be letting it go and will have a conversation with him today. I know we are both frustrated. I will be having a talk with her dad again about it.

swingofthings · 20/07/2019 10:32

He admitted it was wrong to say it, apologised and your daughter didn't even hear it. You are totally over reacting. If you haven't yet, there will be time when you'll say or do something that shortly afterwards you'll think 'what did I do/say that?

It had no consequences, don't let such trivial matter put a big dark cloud over what seems to be a strong relationship.

Heymummee · 20/07/2019 10:33

He admits he shouldn’t have said it. He’s apologised. One misplaced comment doesn’t define someone.
He has a point though and clearly cares about your daughter. She didn’t hear him say it and it sounds like he won’t say anything like that again so I do think you need to move on.

NoSauce · 20/07/2019 10:33

Adviceneeded29 NC fail.

Whereismyfigleaf · 20/07/2019 10:33

thestoic is spot on

He’s right. Your anger is misplaced, and should be directed at your ex.

twattymctwatterson · 20/07/2019 10:34

To respond to the previous comments I'm not claiming that the ops DP is an abuser or that he's controlling Confused. The comment in itself is an abusive comment because of the impact or could have on her DD. I say that as someone who had to hear comments like that about my own (crap at times) dad. It didn't make me see him as crap, it made me see myself as unlovable.

Agree that if it's a one off with no malicious intention it's not worth making a huge deal over, as long as DP understands the potential impact.

I also agree op needs to put her foot down regarding contact.

Blondebakingmumma · 20/07/2019 10:35

I think he was in the wrong but realized he was. You have made your boundaries clear now and I think it’s only a problem if he does it again and then you can reasonably be/stay annoyed

31RueCambon · 20/07/2019 10:35

I think it was just frustration, and he may not be her biological father but having a daughter of his own he understands the implications of it all. I think you should just allow him to BE frustrated and accepted his apology.

FlaviaAlbia · 20/07/2019 10:39

Amicable with her father is good, but is it only amicable so long as you don't point out how he's letting his daughter down?

Just something I wondered.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 20/07/2019 10:41

Your dd isn’t waiting to see if her dad does show up but she is waiting around for them when. He needs to pick a time and stick to it. If he can finish work anywhere between say 4 and 7 he needs to be picking her up at 7. It means she knows where she is that she can settle and play a game or have her dinner in peace not thinking oh I can’t do that dad might come any minute then 2 hours pass and she could have done it after all. There is nothing worse than sitting around for hours ready and waiting.
I get that sometimes things happen and it’s unrealistic to say he shouldn’t make plans on the weekend when is supposed to have her sometimes I have asked to keep the dc for a weekend their dad should have them because we’ve had an invite or having people visit that live a long way away and vice versa it happens don’t think there is anything wrong in that bit but the inconsistency in collection time is frustrating.

Original poster
waterfall29 · 20/07/2019 10:44

Yes I NC so as not to be too outing , but used a different device which appears to use previous name. sorry for the confusion.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 20/07/2019 10:47

But he is a little bit right and I think you are so caught in being amicable you let him

Bumshkawahwah · 20/07/2019 10:48

I think YANBU. He’s an adult, presumably he has some control over what comes out of his mouth? He wasn’t drunk, or in the middle of a heated argument, he’s not a child...how hard is it NOT to say derogatory things about your daughters dad in front of her?

His response was pure defensiveness. All it takes is for him to say ‘I can see how important this is to you. I was a mistake, but I’ll make sure I don’t say anything like that in front of her again’. Or something. I hate when grown adults whine about something they did being a mistake (and of course we all make mistakes!) so therefore it just must be brushed under the carpet.

Dieu · 20/07/2019 10:51

I wouldn't be so unforgiving is this was a one-off slip.
You sound very defensive of your ex though.

Bumshkawahwah · 20/07/2019 10:52

And of course he’s justified in being frustrated and annoyed with your ex...as are you! It doesn’t mean he should show that frustration in front of your daughter - vent to a friend or family member. Or post on a forum!

Original poster
waterfall29 · 20/07/2019 10:54

We do vent to each other about it but never in front of my daughter until now

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 20/07/2019 10:54

It is totally understandable that your partner is hurt and frustrated and probably angry with your ex for treating his little girl with such disregard. It’s not great it came out in front of her but he has apologised. And actually what ARE you teaching your girl about the standards she should be setting for people who care about her- should she just sit around waiting for people to make the Effort to spend time with her? Or should she value herself and her time enough to expect people to be on time for her?
Your ex is the one who should be getting the hassle- he turns up on time or he doesn’t get to see her.

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2019 10:55

He's right. And probably pissed off about having to wait in until her dad finally arrives at his convenience.

He's sorry. I don't know what more you'd like him to say.

Original poster
waterfall29 · 20/07/2019 10:57

It is not defensive, it is in relation to his job he can't control. I think I will talk to him about picking her up on a Saturday morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
waterfall29 · 20/07/2019 10:58

you are right my daughter needs consistency

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 20/07/2019 10:58

So instead of thinking about how bad (apparently) this is

Maybe you think about how much this man who does so much with your DD cares enough about her to think this, because frankly its a very justifiable view to have.

ourkidmolly · 20/07/2019 10:58

It's an error, he apologised. Get over it and stop making excuses for your ex. Yes it's important to have a good relationship but that doesn't mean you enable him to be an unreliable cock.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/07/2019 10:59

People aren't perfect all the time and your dp sounds like he's done a whole lot more for your dd than your ex has.

He's probably upset for your dd and knows she deserves better. Sometimes people get frustrated and things slip out. I'm in exactly the same situation as you and my dh has brought my dds up as his own and done 10000x more for them emotionally, time and financially than their df has. Sometimes he gets animated and frustrated in their behalf at their df. Cut him some slack