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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

regarding what my partner said around my daughter

104 replies

waterfall29 · 20/07/2019 09:59

My partner and I have been together for 5 years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is six years old, I have a very amicable relationship with her dad and his partner who is great with her. Last night I was waiting for her dad to pick my daughter up, due to his job this can be anytime on a Friday when he has finished work. He has her for a weekend, every other week. There has been the odd occasion in which he has gone away at the last minute on his weekend socially and my daughter hasn't seen him. and then in the next sentence complains about how lucky I am to have more time with our daughter (this is relevant).

My partner has been in my daughters life for three years and is great with her. He does everything he can for her. He sits and builds with her, takes her to and from her activities, school work etc, never had any concerns.

Last night we were waiting for her dad to pick my daughter up when he he mumbled along the lines of 'if he so bothered about time with you, he would have been here by now'. My daughter thankfully didn't hear but I had. I asked him to repeat what he said after I closed the door on my daughter and he said I am sorry I shouldn't have said that it was out of order. I said that he was bang out of order and what if my daughter had heard that. He told me to leave it and that it was an obvious accident. So carried on as normal, until her dad picked her up shortly after 19.00. I haven't really spoken to him since as I can't shake the fact that he said that. He knows how I feel and we have discussed this from the beginning, that I cannot tolerate behaviour that will impact my daughter. That her daddy and I are not together but there is no animosity and i don't ever want my daughter thinking there is.

For context, he has a teenage daughter and I said to him last night despite all of the issues from his ex partner, I could not imagine making digs in front of his daughter. To me the children's welfare should first and foremost. He expects me to drop it as he didn't mean it to come out and that I am overreacting. But I can't help thinking about it and have not really spoken to him. AIBU to be upset ?

OP posts:

Windygate · 20/07/2019 10:14

Your DP has hit a nerve with you. Perhaps you've occasionally thought the same?

BykerBykerOoh · 20/07/2019 10:15

He said something stupid and apologised as soon as you pointed out it was inappropriate. Drop it now.

boiseidaho · 20/07/2019 10:16

Your DD didn't hear the comment, and your partner apologised. As long as he understands why he can't make comments like that around her again, and given that it sounds like he goes out of his way to treat your daughter really well, I think you're out of order to be sulking and giving him the silent treatment because of this.

ElspethFlashman · 20/07/2019 10:17

He apologised, he mumbled it and she didn't hear, he won't do it again.

Yes, you 100% need to drop it now.

Pinktinker · 20/07/2019 10:18

His comment was correct but obviously shouldn’t have said it near your DD, she won’t understand at six.

Her Dad sounds pretty feckless.

PooWillyBumBum · 20/07/2019 10:18

It's probably hard for your DP to see your DD so excited to see the weekend parent when he can't be arsed with her.

I do think you're being a bit U. Yes, he shouldn't have said it but it sounds like it slipped out and he apologised. Let it go.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 20/07/2019 10:18

Every one makes mistakes . Unless there is more to it , it sounds to me like he loves your daughter and he's angry on her behalf that her dad keeps her waiting , and he's probably got a point.

Cornettoninja · 20/07/2019 10:19

You’ve made your point which he has accepted and agreed with, you need to drop it now.

Adviceneeded29 · 20/07/2019 10:20

Thank you I needed an outside perspective. I will let it go now. It is a frustration that I have had with her dad, a conversation we have had many times about picking her up at a certain time. It was about the fact my daughter could of heard it that upset me. I am pleased I posted and got the perspective I needed. I obviously was overreacting.

SimonJT · 20/07/2019 10:20

Has he hit a nerve? I would be more worried about how her self worth will be impacted by growing up knowing that her Dad can’t really be bothered and being told by trusted adults that his behaviour is okay.

Poloshot · 20/07/2019 10:20

Is he wrong?

CatInADoghouse · 20/07/2019 10:21

He has probably said what you didn't want to say. He's standing on the side lines watching your ex make other social plans on the last minute and putting her second. He probably has a lot of built up anger because he's then got to see her being told that her daddy isn't going to see her this weekend. It must be heartbreaking for him. He probably shouldn't have said it, especially near to your DD but he has apologised and acknowledged that he shouldn't have done it. Let it go.

thetimekeeper · 20/07/2019 10:22

that I cannot tolerate behaviour that will impact my daughter

Do you mean other than the shitty behaviour you tolerate from her dad?

No, he shouldn't have said it in front of her, but you shouldn't be allowing this situation to continue where your daughter spends her Friday nights waiting to see if and when daddy can be bothered to come and spend time with her.

That your partner is so affected by seeing this little girl being made to wait around uncertainly on a regular basis for her dad to maybe show up surely shows how much he cares about her wellbeing and is thinking about how damaging this will be for her if it continues.

Why don't you care about the negative impact of this on her and why haven't you done something about it?

As for his comment being abusive, don't be bloody ridiculous. Of course it's not. If there are any warning signs of abuse in this scenario, it's the dad's behaviour that's potentially controlling.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 20/07/2019 10:23

Are you upset because you know he’s actually right?

One comment under his breath after five years is pretty impressive imo! I can understand you not wanting your daughter to hear that, but not talking to him is a bit OTT. He’s been there doing dad stuff for years, he’s probably a bit frustrated too.

NoSauce · 20/07/2019 10:25

He was right though, yes he shouldn’t have said it in front of her but he realises that and he’s apologised. Let it go.

Buddytheelf85 · 20/07/2019 10:25

Noone’s perfect. In an ideal world he wouldn’t have said it but we all say things we shouldn’t in moments of frustration and:

a) you say he’s been great with her for three years;
b) she didn’t hear the comment;
c) he apologised;
d) it sounds from what you say that he may have a point.

Saltystraw · 20/07/2019 10:26

He made a mistake, he apologised.. you need to drop it!

Being a step parent or even dating someone with a child to someone else is incredibly hard and I’ve surprised his only done one slip of the tongue!

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 20/07/2019 10:26

I think you’re overreacting tbh. He apologised and knows he shouldn’t have said it. We are all human and say things in front of our dc one time or another we shouldn’t. He isn’t wrong, your dd should know when her father is turning up to get her and be consistent. She shouldn’t be ready for say 5pm just in case and waiting around until 7. That must be frustrating for everyone never mind the child. What happens if you cook dinner and he turns up in the middle? What about if you and do want to make plans you can’t because you don’t know what time he’s coming. Your poor dd is basically sitting waiting until he turns up. From similar experience and now having teenagers she won’t do that forever she will find better things to do instead.
Your do articulated something albeit badly that I would have found frustrating as well.

MrsMiggins37 · 20/07/2019 10:27

YABU and completely overreacting.

fotheringhay · 20/07/2019 10:27

dontlikebeards I know, I was that little girl too. But there's a time when it can be gently explained to her that daddy is unreliable but it's not personal, and it's probably not yet and certainly isn't best done via an off the cuff remark

thetimekeeper · 20/07/2019 10:27

So will you be apologising to him for taking your frustration about her dad out on him?

Maybe you could then have a conversation together about how to change the arrangement to a set time.

gamerchick · 20/07/2019 10:28

You're overreacting as has been said. He's apologiesed, he was frustrated on your daughter's behalf because it is irritating when a dad takes the piss a bit with a child you care for but isn't biologically yours.

Let it go. She didn't hear him and tbh in time when she's a bit older she's going to comment on it herself. We all reap what we sow with our kids eventually.

Adviceneeded29 · 20/07/2019 10:28

Sorry I should add I know before the week that she is due to go to his if he has plans to go away, it is not often but does happen. She isn’t waiting on the Friday to see if he will turn up. It is difficult to get all relevant information in. My partner does get frustrated.

SemperIdem · 20/07/2019 10:28

It was said out of frustration that a child he obviously love is so poorly treated by her father.

No, he shouldn’t have said it in front of her, he knows that and has apologised. I’d just let it go now.

SemperIdem · 20/07/2019 10:30

Have you name changed op?

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