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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find it bizarre they expect me to apologise (again)

177 replies

lyralalala · 20/07/2019 08:48

My parents were abusive. We were hit, starved (father's favourite tactic on a weekend when we had no school lunches was to sit us all round the table then eat all the dinners himself) and utterly neglected. Only my school and our paternal grandparents keeping an involvement kept us going.

Then when I was 7 my father burned my elder brother with an iron. My teacher was absolutely horrified when I mentioned it in a very matter of fact way. My headteacher called my grandparents and GPs decided enough was enough. They took me from school, collected my siblings (I'm the youngest by a way - I was the late mistake) and basically told my parents "call the police/take us to court if you want them back". Which my parents only did when the child benefit (family allowance?) stopped, but they failed as my elder siblings all very clearly said they wanted to stay with the GPs.

My father had two siblings, my aunt and uncle, and over the years my Aunt has made it very clear that she resents that we got more time from my grandparents than her children, and my uncle's children, got.

Now, I do totally understand that. I think she's a little OTT as my Nana watched her two kids two days a week when she worked and they stayed over at weekends often so I don't think there's that much more they could have done, but I do get that it must have been annoying that I was always there (her children are only slightly younger than me).

I do get it. I think my uncle's children have more of a gripe as they were young right at the time GP's were landed with us and they got very very little time when they were little because of it. Whereas by the time my Aunt's children were staying my siblings were all away to uni or their own homes.

However, I'm getting really pissed off with it being brought up and then her pausing and giving me the look, waiting for me to apologise again. I did nothing wrong! I was a child. I've said many times that I'm sorry for the situation, but it's not actually my fault.

It's a shame because it's really starting to affect my relationship with her and I regularly have her daughter and granddaughter round (my cousin is one of my closest friends) and she often pops in as well. I'm tempted to stop meeting up now because I'm fed up of being made to feel guilty.

One of my uncle's sons is similar and looks for an apology every time I see him as well. He's also bitter than my siblings and I inherited directly from my grandparents and just cannot seem to get his head around the fact that his father inherited, but my father didn't - we got his share.

OP posts:
yesteaandawineplease · 20/07/2019 16:34

didn't want to read and run. you sound awesome op- been through so much and yet you are a happy and strong. your aunt and siblings are jealous as they've not dealt with things as well as you.

Isitweekendyet · 20/07/2019 18:36

OP you sound incredible. Truly, truly a wonderful woman.

I'm so happy that your start didn't determine the rest of your life and it seems you and your husband have 'started again' and have built the strong family unit that you've deserved your whole life.

beanaseireann · 20/07/2019 18:52

Oh OP Sad
Your aunt is nuts.
I love MollyButtons reply.
Have you the strength to do it ?
What a ghastly childhood. It makes me appreciate mine even more.
Where were your maternal grandparents in all this ?
Are your cruel parents still alive ?
You are amazing to have come through that childhood.

Justaboy · 20/07/2019 19:32

Your cousins spent their early years not seeing their GPs as much as they'd have liked. You spent your early years being starved and physically abused. There is no comparison at all

Couldn't have put that better myself! I do think along this very sad and sorry line you ought to tell the vile aunt in no uncertain terms what had happened and just how would she feel if she had been in the same situation as you were at that age.

Then forget her and enjoy the love you do have at home:)

It does make me wonder sometimes knowing of a very similar case how your dad got to be the way he was?.

lyralalala · 21/07/2019 13:07

Thanks folks. The weather is a bit shit today so we’ve had an indoor picnic and MIL and I are taking the kids on a last minute trip to a haven park this week. It’s cheesy as hell but they’ll love it. They think we’re going to the zoo tomorrow but we’re not :

Where were your maternal grandparents in all this ?

They walked away after a certain point. They couldn’t handle seeing their daughter in the situation she was in (he was vile to her, she was vile to us, it was a vicious cycle) and mostly they couldn’t keep their mouths shut (Nana and grandad said very little to stay close to us) so they were frozen out. I had brief contact with my grandfather and uncle last year for the first time every but it’s very awkward and difficult as they want to be a big happy family and it’s not that easy as they are strangers. Plus I do feel once they knew we were with the other grandparents they should have got in touch.

Are your cruel parents still alive ?

No she died when I was 14 and he died a couple of years ago

OP posts:
lyralalala · 21/07/2019 13:08

It does make me wonder sometimes knowing of a very similar case how your dad got to be the way he was?

Apparently he was always very selfish. Add drink and drugs into the mix and he just had no boundaries or empathy or anything at all

OP posts:
boosterrooster · 21/07/2019 13:16

Tell her to fuck off and get over herself!
I'm sorry for what you and your siblings went through. Thank god your GP's stepped in. But you should not feel like you have to apologize for having to live with them, ever. I would tell her straight up to stop reminding you and expecting you to apologize.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 21/07/2019 13:22

Your aunt is an evil bitch. Why should you apologise for being rescued from abuse? She should be apologising to you for not stepping in to help. You don’t need people like that in your life - focus on the good, kind people you have around you and sod the rest.

beanaseireann · 21/07/2019 13:27

lyralalala
You are amazing to have got through all that.
Ignore that bonkers aunt.

CSIblonde · 21/07/2019 13:32

They're vile. They both need shutting down sharpish. A simple "expecting someone who's been abused to apologise for being rescued by caring relatives is as low as you can get". Then walk away. Don't engage in further dialogue as that fuels the toxic dynamic & means to them you're backing down, willing to carry on arguing & are accepting the role they've allocated you (the deliberate taker of GP's attention).

HJWT · 21/07/2019 13:38

@lyralalala I am so happy you have a nice life now and just pray that my DNiece's and DNephew grow up to have a nice life! They weren't as lucky and with each child the drugs caused more health problems!

I think NC with your aunt is best, you don't need that in your life 😌 x

Dotty1970 · 21/07/2019 13:49

Yesterday 08:58drinkygin

I would honestly tell her to fuck off. “Aunt, you honestly want an apology from me for being a victim of child abuse? Really??”. Selfish horrible woman.
I’m sorry for what you went through

Definately this, I'm so sorry you endured that awful abuse, be strong, they sound uncaring, incredibly selfish, horrible horrible people

MerryBerryCheesecake · 21/07/2019 15:08

So, they all got together and voted to squirrel their share of the family inheritance away early and leave you with the only asset (the flat) that could have been forced to be used to pay for your Nana's social care had she needed it more than she did.

And they harbour resentments ? !!!

Bloody scumbags.

billy1966 · 22/07/2019 12:15

You sound like such a wonderful woman.
Delighted to read you have a great DH.

As others have written. NC with that Horror of a woman.

Only statement to her going forward if you meet her is.

"I am delighted I had my doctor and DGP's to look after me.
As an adult now I can't imagine how you knowingly allowed me to be abused and sat by and watched and did nothing. You must be so ashamed of yourself."

And repeat. She won't want to hear that repeated.

Continued luck and happiness OP.

Being in contact with your Aunt is like picking a scab. Give yourself space from her poison.

smokeytoby · 22/07/2019 12:52

I'm in a rush but couldn't read and run, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you had to endure such a horrible time in your life which has left waves in adulthood, however I wanted to express more so how pleased I am that your life has turned out well. From what you've said, your DH sounds lovely and 6 children must be wonderful too! I wish you and your immediate family all the best. Flowers

TheViceOfReason · 22/07/2019 13:02

A sarcastic "i'm really sorry that you were inconvenienced by I, bob and sarah having to be removed from our shitty parents due to the extreme abuse we were suffering from. Must be terrible for you. Would you have rather we were left there to continue to be starved, abused and burnt?"

If the inheritance subject comes up "really? this again? sarah, bob and I had our fathers share split amongst us due to him being a horrible human being and abusing us - so gran and gramps decided not to leave him anything. If you have an issue with your dad not giving you his inheritance, then take it up with him."

Penelopeschat · 22/07/2019 13:06

You have nothing to apologize for @lyralalala nothing. Your aunt and other member of the family saying this are bloody greedy and selfish. Abused kids trump free baby-sitting for their kids, every time.

beanaseireann · 22/07/2019 17:15

ViceofReason - super reply.

greenwaterbottle · 22/07/2019 17:40

I'm hoping everything is a little 'lighter' knowing she's out of your life.

Ohmamma30 · 22/07/2019 17:54

First off, it is not your place to have to apologise for being rescued by your grandparents from the abuse you suffered. And as an adult who surely must have seen for themselves what a state you were all left in, personally I think it may be you who deserves the apology. I have half nieces and nephews who I don’t see but if I caught wind that my half siblings were mistreating them I would be in there doing something because as adults it is our place to protect any child!! So perhaps it may be a case of asking if she would rather you all be left in squalor and abuse than be cared for by your grandparents? Unfortunately, I have come to realise that always taking the blame for things out of your control and apologising on behalf of other people gives them the expectation that you are going to continue doing so. This is wrong and the blame is fully misplaced. As she full well knows not too deep down!! It is up to you how you handle it but you don’t deserve to be punished for your parents behaviour forever.

lyralalala · 28/07/2019 17:58

A sort of non-update kind of update. I haven't tackled it head on, but have distance myself.

We went away for a few days with MIL last week and had a lovely time.

I had a message about getting together today earlier in the week and said that DH and I were planning on having a family day with just the kids.

My Aunt pushed a bit and I just said that with DH working longer hours and with DS and DD1 both working (him combining uni and work and DD doing more babysitting in the holidays) I don't want to commit to having a houseful every weekend a we want to have some family time. Previously because of DD4's health we were at home a lot, but since her recent op we're much more mobile and I want the opportunity to have last minute days out etc.

She's not impressed, but when I said "I like the way your DD and her DH have Sundays just for them at least 3 out of 4 weeks" she couldn't really argue without bitching about her own DD! My uncle (who didn't come every week) has said good on me. I think he's been able to sense I've been building up to it.

We have a family occasion next weekend so I'll see them all then. A little bit of distance is a good thing!

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 28/07/2019 18:04

I have lots more contact with DH's family than my own. I have more contact with my friends than any family. In a crisis I talk to DH first then close friends. My life is better for having my own parents at arms length.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 28/07/2019 18:28

Merryberrycheesecake has it right. Deep down aunt is pissed off you got some of the inheritance instead of your dad (or them as i imagine if the flat had been sold for care fees they wouldnt have redivvied anything up). Sounds like your aunt is mentally very similar to your dad - her brother.

redexpat · 28/07/2019 20:30

That sounds good!

YouTheCat · 28/07/2019 20:32

Very diplomatically handled, OP.

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