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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find it bizarre they expect me to apologise (again)

177 replies

lyralalala · 20/07/2019 08:48

My parents were abusive. We were hit, starved (father's favourite tactic on a weekend when we had no school lunches was to sit us all round the table then eat all the dinners himself) and utterly neglected. Only my school and our paternal grandparents keeping an involvement kept us going.

Then when I was 7 my father burned my elder brother with an iron. My teacher was absolutely horrified when I mentioned it in a very matter of fact way. My headteacher called my grandparents and GPs decided enough was enough. They took me from school, collected my siblings (I'm the youngest by a way - I was the late mistake) and basically told my parents "call the police/take us to court if you want them back". Which my parents only did when the child benefit (family allowance?) stopped, but they failed as my elder siblings all very clearly said they wanted to stay with the GPs.

My father had two siblings, my aunt and uncle, and over the years my Aunt has made it very clear that she resents that we got more time from my grandparents than her children, and my uncle's children, got.

Now, I do totally understand that. I think she's a little OTT as my Nana watched her two kids two days a week when she worked and they stayed over at weekends often so I don't think there's that much more they could have done, but I do get that it must have been annoying that I was always there (her children are only slightly younger than me).

I do get it. I think my uncle's children have more of a gripe as they were young right at the time GP's were landed with us and they got very very little time when they were little because of it. Whereas by the time my Aunt's children were staying my siblings were all away to uni or their own homes.

However, I'm getting really pissed off with it being brought up and then her pausing and giving me the look, waiting for me to apologise again. I did nothing wrong! I was a child. I've said many times that I'm sorry for the situation, but it's not actually my fault.

It's a shame because it's really starting to affect my relationship with her and I regularly have her daughter and granddaughter round (my cousin is one of my closest friends) and she often pops in as well. I'm tempted to stop meeting up now because I'm fed up of being made to feel guilty.

One of my uncle's sons is similar and looks for an apology every time I see him as well. He's also bitter than my siblings and I inherited directly from my grandparents and just cannot seem to get his head around the fact that his father inherited, but my father didn't - we got his share.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/07/2019 10:12

Your childhood was the most like mine that I've ever read... and I'm so sorry; but I wanted to mention it incase it helped you feel less alone.

Don't apologise. You were a victim here. If they carry on; they'll ruin the relationship - try to avoid that by using the wording a PP suggested above to remind them that if they want an apology, it needs to come from your parents and it's not helpful for you to have to relive this every time you see them.

All the best Thanks

Cornettoninja · 20/07/2019 10:15

I disagree with trying to tell your aunt anything. Any satisfaction you would get from telling her your feelings would be short lived because I very much doubt she’ll take it on board and have a sudden epiphany. These people are like mirrors and it all just comes back on you and you end up with the emotional fall out.

Keep to your plan to enjoy your family.

MollyButton · 20/07/2019 10:16

Do see your counsellor. And your Aunt is awful. Your Uncle sounds as if he was/is okay.
I have no idea how this all happened.

Good luck with your family - and its great you took your nephew in.

Hockneypool · 20/07/2019 10:17

Enjoy the zoo tomorrow - that sounds like a good day out. You’re right to surround yourself with positive people like your MIL, DH and his family.

BadBadBadPerson · 20/07/2019 10:18

Good call. Embrace your DH, your DCs and your MIL. They are family.

Your Aunt etc are blood relative (and vile). You owe them nothing.

Enjoy the zoo. Flowers

RubbingHimSourly · 20/07/2019 10:22

Ask them if they want you to apologise for being an abused child.

Then tell them to fuck off. fucking morons

IdaBWells · 20/07/2019 10:22

OK scrap everything I wrote earlier.

In dysfunctional families people are given roles. In your family for whatever reason you are being made the Scapegoat. The Scapegoat's role is to take the blame and shame of the family, by projecting it onto you they don't have to reflect on, or acknowledge their own pain. Unfortunately for them you have not been playing your part as you hadn't realised that you were supposed to be miserable forever, cast out as a misfit. Instead you've gone on to be happily married and created a life that they appear to be envious of.

I think if you read up on the Scapegoat in a family and the other common roles it could enlighten you to a lot of your extended family's behaviour. It doesn't matter how much you apologize it will never be enough because you are supposed to carry the blame (for of course everything that you have no responsibility for).

fotheringhay · 20/07/2019 10:23

Agree with the pp that they are continuing the abuse.

Feel the anger and don't doubt yourself! Flowers

PlinkPlink · 20/07/2019 10:23

I used to fervently believe that when a death in the family occurs you should all really round and support each other. I'm more wary of opening my heart to people now (sad thing to say). Recent events in my own family have shown me the awful ways people act when money is involved.

My DM had a v similar situation to yours. Adopted at a young age from a very neglectful and abusive mother. She was adopted by my GPs. Unfortunately, I don't think she was ever truly accepted by her foster sister (my aunt). Foster brother (my uncle) was lovely though and treated us like his own until he did have his own.

Aunt constantly looked down on us. Resented us having more time with GPs. They really looked after us and we lived nearby (aunt didn't) so that was the result. They then passed that resentment down to our cousins so we all dont get on.

My DGF passed away a couple of years ago and I only spoke to one cousin at the funeral. The other completely blanked me, didn't even say hello.

They are shitty people and I decided to go NC with them. I don't want that in my life or my child's life.

On my step dad's side, his family all turned awful when his DM died. My sister and I weren't allowed to go to the funeral, despite loving her like another grandparent, because "we weren't family". Fights over money and who should get what share, who was responsible for selling her house etc. My step dad just paid them the amounts they wanted because the hassle it was causing wasn't worth it. I've never seen such disgraceful behaviour. I don't think they talk much now. At one point they were conversing through letters it was that bad.

In summation, sometimes people act awfully when significant amounts of money are involved.

NoSquirrels · 20/07/2019 10:23

I was lucky to get out of it, but that's not the same as being lucky

Absolutely this. With bells on.

I think from your latest post you sound very strong. You did the right thing in not playing along with the family narrative when your father died. You all were damaged by his abuse; it has obviously manifested itself in different ways. Stay true to yourself.

Flowers and enjoy the zoo!

ErrmWTAF · 20/07/2019 10:25

You've listed some perfectly good and logical reasons for your siblings (and extended family, for that matter) not wanting to be close. And you're not wrong there.

However, there are times when logic don't get a look-in. Sad but true. When children are traumatised during their childhood, even just the age they're at will make a difference to how it's going to affect them. And that's even before the overall concept of "everybody is different". There's just too many emotion variables to navigate this by logic.

The sooner you accept that your siblings will probably never be what you'd hope for, and that you'll probably never be able to figure out why, the faster you'll heal.

Focus your love and attention on your new family - you've got a good relationship with your cousin, what sounds like a brilliant DH and enough love to take in a troubled 16 y.o. Altogether, frankly, You Won At Life. Embrace that. And cut out the toxic people.

I was going to write more about my own situation (nowhere near as bad, but similar), but PM me if you want.

swingofthings · 20/07/2019 10:28

Children have no right to expect being cared after by their grandparents, nor do parents have a right to expect their parents to care for their own children.

Your grandparents took care of you full time becaude you were seriously neglected and didn't have loving parents to give you the care and love your cousins got from their own parents.

Why they would expect your grandparents to feel bad, let alone you is outrageous. What a lot of selfish idiots. You owe no apologies at all, just gratitude to your grandparents which I'm sure you do.

TwistyTop · 20/07/2019 10:29

Wow, how many dickheads can there be in one family? Don't stand for this nonsense OP. If they expect apologies from you again tell them to jog on

user1493413286 · 20/07/2019 10:32

Why are you apologising?! You have nothing to apologise for! It was not your fault that your parents were abusive; next time they say something tell them that you cant apologise for your parents being abusive and your grandparents protecting you.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/07/2019 10:33

The family is dysfunctional and I suspect that most of them haven’t really dealt with the abuse and dysfunction. Consequently, they are trying to make you responsible for their uncomfortable feelings. I see toxic blaming as a way of externalising uncomfortable feelings.

It is not your job to make them feel better. You are not responsible for the shitshow that was your childhood nor how the adults around you tried to manage it. If other family members can’t move on and are taking it out on you then you are entitled to protect yourself and walk away.

mummmy2017 · 20/07/2019 10:33

When your uncles son starts up, and mentions money, do this.

Ok cousin let's go see your dad and ask him to give your your share of Grans money. ..

lyralalala · 20/07/2019 10:34

The sooner you accept that your siblings will probably never be what you'd hope for, and that you'll probably never be able to figure out why, the faster you'll heal.

I’m there with my siblings. It took me a long time, but I genuinely feel nothing for them now. I miss the siblings I had as a child, but they don’t exist anymore. The people I happen to be related too I feel nothing for. I hate that I don’t have my siblings anymore, but not that I don’t have those people anymore (if that makes sense)

My aunt is just a new thing as the stronger I feel the more annoyed I am with her.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 20/07/2019 10:35

Why they would expect your grandparents to feel bad, let alone you is outrageous. What a lot of selfish idiots. You owe no apologies at all, just gratitude to your grandparents which I'm sure you do.

They would never have mentioned any of this in front of my Nana. Not ever. She’d have been so ashamed of them (as she was about my father)

OP posts:
Branster · 20/07/2019 10:36

You must not apologise for anything because you did absolutely nothing wrong.
If anything, the aunt & uncle should apologise to you for not intervening when they knew their own brother was mistreating you and your siblings. They were in a position to confront their own brother about all this at the time especially as they understood how parenthood felt like (as they had their own children).
And your aunt is weird to resent having nieces and nephews at her parents’ house when she takes her own children to visit - the band between cousins is special and should be encouraged.

lyralalala · 20/07/2019 10:39

My sister and I weren't allowed to go to the funeral, despite loving her like another grandparent, because "we weren't family".

@PlinkPlink that’s so familiar. At my Nana’s funeral we got no say as we were grandchildren not children (perhaps fair enough) on anything. I kept my trap shut even though my Nana would have hated what was done. Then they decided only children and grandchildren were allowed. Not great grandchildren. Which basically meant mine and my siblings children, who because of the situation were basically like grandchildren. My twins were 6 and not allowed to go even though my Nana had lived with us for most of their lives.

At the time I thought I was being respectful and giving her children their place, but now I see it was actually them very firmly putting me (and my siblings) in mine.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 20/07/2019 10:40

Next time say 'I will never apologise for being the victim of child abuse again'. In fact save yourself the bother and don't see them. You're right that your in laws are your real family because they love you. And keep working through it all with your counsellor.

FookMeFookYou · 20/07/2019 10:44

Your whole 'family' sound like a bunch of narcissistic cunts. Go NC and live your life free from such horrible ppl - you don't deserve to be treated like this!

lyralalala · 20/07/2019 10:45

I might have to find the guts to actually point out to her that had my Nana not been getting income support (I think that was it - a benefit anyway) for having me when Grandad retired then she'd have still been working so wouldn't have been able to provide childcare two days a week for her! I've wanted too a few times, but didn't want to lower myself to being bitchy.

Flowers to everyone who had shitty parents or shitty families. It really does hang over you sometimes and we all deserved better

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/07/2019 10:47

My twins were 6 and not allowed to go even though my Nana had lived with us for most of their lives.

Oh, that's so sad. Flowers
People can be such arseholes.

Longdistance · 20/07/2019 10:47

They seriously need to get over themselves. You were being abused and you’re supposed to apologise for it? Hell no!