To find it bizarre they expect me to apologise (again)

[lyralalala]

My parents were abusive. We were hit, starved (father's favourite tactic on a weekend when we had no school lunches was to sit us all round the table then eat all the dinners himself) and utterly neglected. Only my school and our paternal grandparents keeping an involvement kept us going.

Then when I was 7 my father burned my elder brother with an iron. My teacher was absolutely horrified when I mentioned it in a very matter of fact way. My headteacher called my grandparents and GPs decided enough was enough. They took me from school, collected my siblings (I'm the youngest by a way - I was the late mistake) and basically told my parents "call the police/take us to court if you want them back". Which my parents only did when the child benefit (family allowance?) stopped, but they failed as my elder siblings all very clearly said they wanted to stay with the GPs.

My father had two siblings, my aunt and uncle, and over the years my Aunt has made it very clear that she resents that we got more time from my grandparents than her children, and my uncle's children, got.

Now, I do totally understand that. I think she's a little OTT as my Nana watched her two kids two days a week when she worked and they stayed over at weekends often so I don't think there's that much more they could have done, but I do get that it must have been annoying that I was always there (her children are only slightly younger than me).

I do get it. I think my uncle's children have more of a gripe as they were young right at the time GP's were landed with us and they got very very little time when they were little because of it. Whereas by the time my Aunt's children were staying my siblings were all away to uni or their own homes.

However, I'm getting really pissed off with it being brought up and then her pausing and giving me the look, waiting for me to apologise again. I did nothing wrong! I was a child. I've said many times that I'm sorry for the situation, but it's not actually my fault.

It's a shame because it's really starting to affect my relationship with her and I regularly have her daughter and granddaughter round (my cousin is one of my closest friends) and she often pops in as well. I'm tempted to stop meeting up now because I'm fed up of being made to feel guilty.

One of my uncle's sons is similar and looks for an apology every time I see him as well. He's also bitter than my siblings and I inherited directly from my grandparents and just cannot seem to get his head around the fact that his father inherited, but my father didn't - we got his share.

You have nothing to apologise for. Your aunt and uncle are behaving despicably. You do not need that in your life.

It's awful. It was possibly one of the most hurtful things someone could have done to us at a time when we were already sad.

At the time, you just go along with it because you're respecting people's wishes. Somehow we thought that was important. But like you say, away from the event, you think about it and realise that they are sending a clear message.

Awful. I'm so sorry they've treated you this way.

@Plinkplink It very much is sending a message.

I'm sorry you were treated like that too. It's shit.

You have nothing to apologise for. You were a child & your grandparents did what was right. Everyone else needs to get over it, they were not hard done by.

New tactic with your Aunt..
OMG yes I was so lucky Gran was an amazing person, and please know if the gene surfaces again in our family I will step up and take the children in.

You were NOT a late mistake btw even if your parents considered you to be so . You are a unique and valuable human being. And I doubt your grandparents felt that they were landed with you either.
Your language betrays your scars which are completely understandable but you are an articulate, thoughtful person by the sounds of you and you are still consider others feelings in spite of all the crap you have endured. Hats off to you for that.
You have done nothing wrong so stop apologising for things you were not responsible for and I hope life is good to you from now on x

I’ve never heard anything so fucking ridiculous in my entire life.

My maternal GPs had their sons children every day as him and his DW worked, they also had to keep a close eye on younger daughters DC as they had an abusive addict for a father, however my “mother” was also abusive and it slipped through the family net as the abuse wasn’t as obvious as my cousins was (police at the door weekly, lots off aunt being chased through the village by her uncle)

Not once has it occurred to me, as the cousin, to be even remotely irritated by the fact that my maternal GPs were busy with other GC.

My paternal GP were heavily involved with me as I’d been alienated from my Dad by my mother for many years.

I haven't RTT, but please never apologise to this woman again! You have NOTHING to apologise for!

It's obvious these people still have a huge influence on your life, and not in a good way. You had such a horrible early start, I think you should make a decision to live the rest of your life the way you want to. Surround yourself with people who make you happy and ignore those who don't.

Why does it matter if Aunt is technically family? She's never acted like it. Whereas your PIL have become much closer to you than most of your blood relatives.

Go LC with people who don't bring you joy, and ignore their drama as much as possible. You've joined your DH's family, who you like. And you have your own family too. You don't need to maintain a relationship with people who made you miserable. Make a new 'family' with your DH, your kids and your in-laws, and enjoy the rest of your life.

Appalling behaviour. You need to start taking the power back in this relationship and start sticking up for yourself for the child you were and the adult you are.

They would never have mentioned any of this in front of my nana. Not ever. She’d have been ashamed of them

Then this is the angle you can take. “Nana would be ashamed of you talking like this to me. I am a survivor of child abuse. You / your children are not the victim(s).”

First of all, I am horrified at the abuse you and your siblings received, and of course glad that your grandparents eventually rescued you. Secondly, I find your aunt's selfishness, and that of your uncle's son, unbelievable! Frankly, your aunt reminds me of the ugly sisters in Cinderella! Do NOT apologize to her: she should be blaming her brother and SIL, not you! Her making you apologize repeatedly sounds very ugly indeed: either she is playing power games and enjoys seeing you cringe (in which case she has too much in common with her abusive brother), and/or she is trying to manipulate you to do something she wants - perhaps over the inheritance? If she starts again, I would say very directly: 'I (or we, if she includes your siblings in it) will not apologize any more, because we did not choose to be abused by your brother. We will always feel love and thanks to our grandparents for rescuing us. If they hadn't, we would at best have ended up in local authority care, and at worst, seriously injured or dead. But we didn't choose to be abused, and we will no longer accept your bringing it up against us!' And every time she does it again, walk out.

Your aunt is vile. Cut the cord, same as you've had to do with your siblings. Blood isn't thicker than water, I've learned that the hard way too.

Your Aunt has a very immature attitude. It might be worth getting her for a chat and tell that you have decided to give some closure to the past and get some things straight and then will not be feeling the need to discuss it again in the future.

Tell her that you sense she feels you should apologise but tell her that you were the child and that your father failed as a parent and that can never be the childs fault.

Obviously, it changes the family dynamics when grandparents have to become parents to other grandchildren. But you have to accept it and support your family.

It might irk that as a result of her brothers' terrible behaviour her parents had to become parents again and therefore had less time and energy (and possibly money) to devote to her own children.

It is difficult to treat all grandchildren fairly when some grandchildren have parents and grandparents and some grandchildren only have the grandparents. They have to be grandparent and parent at the same time. There are going to be issues.

Basically, you have to say Yes! it was unfair that the grandparents had to become parents to me but it was absolutely not my fault. I contributed to my grandparents lives and you should be proud of them for taking responsibilty which would not have been easy.

Tell her that you no longer want to feel as if you should in some way apologise and henceforth will only be focusing on the future and your own children's childhood.

Aunt is very unimpressed I’ve cancelled at such short notice. Not a single “is everything ok” or anything like that. Just simply commenting it’s a shame it’s at such short notice. My youngest has significant health issues and spends a lot of time in hospital and I think it says a lot that she hasn’t even checked everything is ok (unlike her DD who instantly said “everything ok? Do you need me to take any of the kids?”

Kinda sums it up

Oh jez OP. Your Aunt is a loon, she should have helped and supported you all as your family. Personally I dont think you should have apologised at all, I get why you did when they expect it.
It is probably the selfish thing ove heare from your aunt, cousin, uncle, if they want blame blame your parents who let you down.
I hope you're getting on well now, your GP sound lovely, I would do the same in a heartbeat.

Don't reply. Don't message ever again in fact.

She should apologise to you. Smt like, 'im so sorry that happened to you. I wish i had seen it before. I wish as your aunt i had done more'.

Vile behaviour. My advice w people like this. Come up with a line 'yes, it was a horrible situation. No one knows that more than I' or some such. And repeat it. Word for word. Whenever she brings it up. She ll soon recognise that this is is your final word on the situation.

When I told my DH I was cancelling tomorrow, and why, he just said “oh thank fuck, I really hate the fact they drag it all up in such a shitty way constantly. You don’t need them” I get the impression he’s been waiting a while for me to realise this! (He’s brilliant at listening to me but he never tells me what he thinks I should do as he said I’ve had enough people bully me through my life)

1. you’ve nothing at all to apologise for.

2. it’s sad that you said you don’t have confidence in yourself as a parent. To have gone through what you have, despite having almost no family support, and come out of it to form a loving family of your own, shows immense strength and wisdom. I think you’ve already proved your own judgement and decision making skills. Don’t doubt yourself.

3. your posts ring a bell for me. It’s like you’re spending a lot of time and energy trying to please people who you’ll never be able to satisfy and who don’t have your best interests at heart. It sounds like you do have some lovely people in your life now - your cousin? DH and MIL? Time to put all your love and effort into them?

Best wishes for the future

I like the sound of your DH, lyra.

Keep up the contact with your cousin, and just ignore your aunt.

At first I was wondering what the hell their problem with you was but then I read the part about you inheriting directly and realised the problem is more than likely this. Money brings out the worst in people. I’m so sorry you had such an awful time during your childhood. You have nothing to feel guilty or apologise for x

How on earth are you supposed to apologise for something that was out of your control!! You didn’t abuse yourself neither did you remove yourself from the abuse. Your GPs saved you all from it.
Sounds to me like the siblings (your father, aunt and uncle) all have similar psychological issues!
I’d NC them all.
Hope you’re okay OP. You have done nothing wrong at all.

At first I was wondering what the hell their problem with you was but then I read the part about you inheriting directly and realised the problem is more than likely this. Money brings out the worst in people. I’m so sorry you had such an awful time during your childhood. You have nothing to feel guilty or apologise for x

The stupid thing is that the only person who wasn’t involved in that decision was me! It’s mad - they all had a meeting and decided on that.

It’s not like I got everything and they go nothing either, they got their share early.

And I’m thinking now that if my share had been eaten up by care fees (luckily nana was well enough to stay hone until the last month of her life) they wouldn’t have been re-dividing up their money to even it out.

• NC your aunt... I see your uncle isn’t to be blamed here.

So good to hear your DH is supporting you in such a brilliant way! You sound like you have a lovely family of your own now. Time to close the book on the old family.