To find it bizarre they expect me to apologise (again)

[lyralalala]

My parents were abusive. We were hit, starved (father's favourite tactic on a weekend when we had no school lunches was to sit us all round the table then eat all the dinners himself) and utterly neglected. Only my school and our paternal grandparents keeping an involvement kept us going.

Then when I was 7 my father burned my elder brother with an iron. My teacher was absolutely horrified when I mentioned it in a very matter of fact way. My headteacher called my grandparents and GPs decided enough was enough. They took me from school, collected my siblings (I'm the youngest by a way - I was the late mistake) and basically told my parents "call the police/take us to court if you want them back". Which my parents only did when the child benefit (family allowance?) stopped, but they failed as my elder siblings all very clearly said they wanted to stay with the GPs.

My father had two siblings, my aunt and uncle, and over the years my Aunt has made it very clear that she resents that we got more time from my grandparents than her children, and my uncle's children, got.

Now, I do totally understand that. I think she's a little OTT as my Nana watched her two kids two days a week when she worked and they stayed over at weekends often so I don't think there's that much more they could have done, but I do get that it must have been annoying that I was always there (her children are only slightly younger than me).

I do get it. I think my uncle's children have more of a gripe as they were young right at the time GP's were landed with us and they got very very little time when they were little because of it. Whereas by the time my Aunt's children were staying my siblings were all away to uni or their own homes.

However, I'm getting really pissed off with it being brought up and then her pausing and giving me the look, waiting for me to apologise again. I did nothing wrong! I was a child. I've said many times that I'm sorry for the situation, but it's not actually my fault.

It's a shame because it's really starting to affect my relationship with her and I regularly have her daughter and granddaughter round (my cousin is one of my closest friends) and she often pops in as well. I'm tempted to stop meeting up now because I'm fed up of being made to feel guilty.

One of my uncle's sons is similar and looks for an apology every time I see him as well. He's also bitter than my siblings and I inherited directly from my grandparents and just cannot seem to get his head around the fact that his father inherited, but my father didn't - we got his share.

What a bitch! Honestly, I'm speechless. You're the last person who should be apologising. Where was that entitled cow when the abuse was happening? She should be grateful that her parents took you in, as she wouldn't have had the empathy to step up to the plate.
Hope you're ok

Wow, how did your grandparents manage to produce three utterly vile children?

This is a perfect example of the phrase "spoil your children, raise your grandchildren"

You are accepting the blame so they are heaping the blame on you. Just stop. You did nothing wrong. Put the ball back in their court when they start and ask them what you could have done to change the situation? Ask them to tell you what you are apologising for? Finally If they don’t stop tell them to fuck off to the far side of fuck!

Sorry OP, I didn't address your post. Pay this woman no attention, you've had a horrible time of it, I hope you find peace.

Also you shouldn't feel guilty as you've done NOTHING WRONG. God this woman is making me so angry.

Point out that their kids got decent parents and you didn't so would they like to apologize for that?

I would not write public letters on FB! I would tell them how you feel once and make it clear that if they continue with their comments it’s over.

I am sorry for the childhood you had. Tell your aunt and uncle to speak to your parents if they are so desperate for an apology. You do not and never will have to apologisr for your way your parents behaved. Please never apologise again.

I think it's time you stopped apologising to any of them for anything.
The fact that you have been doing so means they think you accept the guilt they're throwing onto you - and as you so rightly point out, you were a CHILD.

But. You've already done more than you needed to to redress any perceived imbalance - and therein probably lies the problem. Your guilt is "showing" and they are feeding off it. You need to actually call time on the whole thing and send them ALL (except your nice uncle) a letter stating that you have paid any debts that THEY might consider a SEVEN YEAR OLD CHILD to have incurred and you're not putting up with any more of their bullshit.

Good luck - and stop letting them do this to you!

I'd tell her she should be apologising because she did fuck all when you and your siblings needed help. She needs to get her head out of her arse.

Are the GPs still living? I would frame it as a compliment to them: “The GPs saved us from the worst kind of hell. What do you want me to apologize for?”

The bitch needs to be put in her place.

You didn't owe her the first apology, you certainly have nothing to feel guilty about - you were an abused child ffsake. I agree with pp how did your grandparents produce such toxic children? Tell her to f*off if she brings it up again!

You do realise that your abusive family relationships are continuing through this behaviour don’t you? It takes a special kind of scumbag to hold someone’s childhood responsible for the cause of their bratty tantrums.

I wouldn’t take cutting contact lightly but I would encourage you to consider what you’re getting from all of this? I know (truly know) what it’s like to have no direct family and only a shitty bunch of fairly distant relations to fill the gap. I crave a family but do I want my dd to have these scrotums as her experience of a wider family? No not really is the answer for me. I don’t think anyone would make the effort if I wasn’t here and in any case I wouldn’t be there to buffer any hurtful behaviour.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your cousin and I’d be interested to know their take on the situation. Ultimately you can pick and choose who to continue a relationship with. It doesn’t have to involve big dramas just a quiet stepping away.

Good luck and I’m sorry your family are knobs

You owe them nothing!
You were a child! Cut them out of your life, they bring you nothing but misery - f that. You deserve better and you have it with your dh family.

How on earth did your lovely grandparents manage to produce three such shit children? (Or maybe two - you say your uncle's not bad)

How disgusting.

Your aunt wants you to apologise for being the victim of child abuse!

I think I'm going to have to go NC with Aunt. I've been trying and trying to avoid that as I hate that I'm NC with my siblings, but she's just the same.

I think none of them have forgiven me for standing against them when my father died. My sister started visiting him when he was in the hospice. My eldest brother decided we all would and I said no. They then paid for his funeral and I refused to contribute or go. I also said if they included me and my children in their pathetic "loving father and grandfather" bullshit I'd never speak to them again. They did so I haven't. My Aunt went to his funeral. My uncle didn't. They are all very surprised I haven't allowed my brother back into my life.

I don't really understand how my grandparents, who were lovely, produced my uncle (lovely), my aunt (not very lovely) and my father (vile).

I think this is one of the first times I've got angry about it. Everyone seems to think that I was "lucky" because I was only 7 when we escaped. But that totally ignores the first 7 years - which were the worst, my siblings have nice memories before drugs were a thing - plus then ignores the terror when my father used to turn up at GPs. It also ignores that I had to leave my school and my friends. That I struggle with parenting decisions because I have no confidence. I was lucky to get out of it, but that's not the same as being lucky

Think it's time to call my counsellor again.

And I've cancelled tomorrow's get together. I'm going to the zoo with my MIL and kids instead.

Thank you.

Bloody hell. Maybe she should apologise for not taking you in and letting her parents do all the work?
I think you need to bring it up with her if you want to continue to have a relationship with her.

A simple 'I understand that you are unhappy that circumstances meant that your children didn't have as much time alone with your parents as youd have hoped. But I'm sure they had a much better childhood than me overall and I manage not to resent them. It's unfair to hold me responsible for something that was completely outside my control and I'm not sure what you want to achieve by constantly bringing it up. After this discussion, we're not going to talk about it again and if you ever bring it up in front of me, I am walking out

That's awful - you need to tell her what your childhood was like before your grandparents rescued you from it and tell her to fuck off
She has No Idea

Surely if grandparents become guardians for your nephews and nieces, this is a good thing? It saves the Auntie or Uncle for taking on additional responsibilities while raising their own children. If any of my nieces or nephews needed extended family to care for them long term, I'd be pleased if grandparents did it, and would help out a lot.
You've already done a big shift for your family having your nephew.

You don't have to decide to go no contact for ever - you can if you want, or you can decide you want some space to think, then see how you feel.

Bloody hell.

Sending you a hug.

And the response to the arse wipe relatives would be a resounding "Fuck off!".

No more apologising from you m'duck. You have absolutely nothing to apologise for.

Surely if grandparents become guardians for your nephews and nieces, this is a good thing? It saves the Auntie or Uncle for taking on additional responsibilities while raising their own children.

There was never any question of my Aunt and Uncle taking us on. My uncle was away all the time with the military and had a large family of his own. My Aunt never would have.

Even when it was just me being discussed after Grandad died the plan was that I'd stay in the flat and they've have a babysitting rota. There was never any question of my siblings or Aunt taking me in. Although from what my sister-in-law told me she believes I'd have ended up with my uncle as his wife was horrified at the thought of a 12yo not in a family setting. I know she wanted me to go to them, but my brother was very firm that I wasn't his responsibility.

I really do miss my Nana at times like this. I think she was the only one in the family that actually wanted me.

My sister in law wanted me to go to them that should say, but my brother was adamant I wasn't his responsibility.

Oh my God OP, you have absolutely nothing to apologise for.

Perhaps next time say something like 'I'm really sorry too. Sorry that your brother (I'm assuming it's her brother?) was such an absolute abusive fucking dick.'

I don't think you should be apologising for anything. You had an abusive childhood until your GPs stepped in. On the other hand your cousins had their parents and also got to see their grandparents. Of course they wouldn't see them as much as you did. They sound incredibly unkind and self centred.