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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find it bizarre they expect me to apologise (again)

177 replies

lyralalala · 20/07/2019 08:48

My parents were abusive. We were hit, starved (father's favourite tactic on a weekend when we had no school lunches was to sit us all round the table then eat all the dinners himself) and utterly neglected. Only my school and our paternal grandparents keeping an involvement kept us going.

Then when I was 7 my father burned my elder brother with an iron. My teacher was absolutely horrified when I mentioned it in a very matter of fact way. My headteacher called my grandparents and GPs decided enough was enough. They took me from school, collected my siblings (I'm the youngest by a way - I was the late mistake) and basically told my parents "call the police/take us to court if you want them back". Which my parents only did when the child benefit (family allowance?) stopped, but they failed as my elder siblings all very clearly said they wanted to stay with the GPs.

My father had two siblings, my aunt and uncle, and over the years my Aunt has made it very clear that she resents that we got more time from my grandparents than her children, and my uncle's children, got.

Now, I do totally understand that. I think she's a little OTT as my Nana watched her two kids two days a week when she worked and they stayed over at weekends often so I don't think there's that much more they could have done, but I do get that it must have been annoying that I was always there (her children are only slightly younger than me).

I do get it. I think my uncle's children have more of a gripe as they were young right at the time GP's were landed with us and they got very very little time when they were little because of it. Whereas by the time my Aunt's children were staying my siblings were all away to uni or their own homes.

However, I'm getting really pissed off with it being brought up and then her pausing and giving me the look, waiting for me to apologise again. I did nothing wrong! I was a child. I've said many times that I'm sorry for the situation, but it's not actually my fault.

It's a shame because it's really starting to affect my relationship with her and I regularly have her daughter and granddaughter round (my cousin is one of my closest friends) and she often pops in as well. I'm tempted to stop meeting up now because I'm fed up of being made to feel guilty.

One of my uncle's sons is similar and looks for an apology every time I see him as well. He's also bitter than my siblings and I inherited directly from my grandparents and just cannot seem to get his head around the fact that his father inherited, but my father didn't - we got his share.

OP posts:
Cloudyapples · 20/07/2019 09:12

Next time look at her directly in the eye and say ‘So aunt, are you saying you think my siblings and I should have stayed in an abusive home where we were regularly hurt both mentally and physically, just so that YOUR children who were already loved and cared for could get a bit more affection from gps?’ Shame the cow. What an awful woman to resent children being in a safe environment.

Duchessgummybuns · 20/07/2019 09:12

Holy shit, she needs to build a bridge and get the fuck over it. You were a child, you needed your grandparents and you shouldn’t have to apologise for it.

HillRunner · 20/07/2019 09:14

it's not like I was all take, take, take

Even if you were.... you were a child! A child is allowed to expect care and support without working for it.

IdaBWells · 20/07/2019 09:15

Some people are absolutely hopeless at seeing things from anything except their own perspective. Of course you have nothing to apologize for, you were a child! The decision to stay at your grandparents was not in your control and was to protect you from your violently abusive parents.

She sounds emotionally immature and unable to empathize. Be blunt (not unkind because that can end up causing you pain) and remind her WHY you were there and how you wish you had had parents who would’ve cared for you properly so your GPS didn’t have to step in, but you’re grateful they did. Tell her you don’t want to hear any more on the topic.

thetoddleratemyhomework · 20/07/2019 09:15

Just say, whenever it is brought up "I think the people who need to apologise are your siblings. Everyone else was doing the best they could. Your kids are lucky they had capable and loving parents so that they didn't miss out too much". (Implicit compliment to Auntie's parenting might help her reframe it better) You are not responsible for this at all. Your aunt and uncle need to take a look at themselves.

UniversallyUnchallenged · 20/07/2019 09:16

OP

Feel like I’m fury typing - DO NOT APOLOGIZE

Keep the ones you want close - cut the cord for the rest

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/07/2019 09:16
Flowers
madcatladyforever · 20/07/2019 09:16

Quite honestly I'd be thinking of backing off and going virtually no contact. You do not need this toxic behaviour on top of the abuse you suffered.
I've done this with my patento and feel much better a long way away from them.

Divebar · 20/07/2019 09:16

Your OP made me so angry I had to put my phone down and walk away from it. Don’t apologise one more time. I would shut down any further conversation on the subject “ I’m not discussing it with you anymore - I was a child” Honestly, they sound fucking hideous.

Halo1234 · 20/07/2019 09:17

Agree with other posters. You have nothing to apologise for. You are her niece she should be thankful to her parents for saving u and your siblings and done everything she could to help them bring up all up. Not made it about her and her DC. You needed your GP and they were there. That's they way it should be (although obviously you shouldn't have needed them in the first place). Hold your head high. You owe noone an apology and are yourself owed several (from your dad, aunt, uncle). Like you say your were a child. You had the right to feel secure and loved. You aunt should have wanted that for u, not solely looked at how it affected her. She is not a decent person.

Mascarponeandwine · 20/07/2019 09:17

I imagine the selfish grabby fuckers are pissy about the inheritance.

lyralalala · 20/07/2019 09:18

I think I'm mostly struggling with it all because my siblings are the same. They're bitter that I was 7 when we got out and they had to deal with it for much longer (although my father didn't start taking drugs until they were older so they at least have memories of being taught to ride a bike or days out before it went to shit. If they want to play top trumps it actually balances out).

So the fact they're all angry at me makes me doubt myself. And I hate the idea of cutting them off. I've got no parents, my grandparents are long gone, my siblings are gone to me. They're the only actual extended family I have.

Maybe I should just stick with DH's family. MIL and DH's first MIL (he was widowed when we met) are more Mum's to me than mine was. And his gazillion cousins are amazing.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 20/07/2019 09:18

Jesus, have to agree with above, what awful, awful people.

I have never told anyone ever to fxxx off but in your situation I think it's absolutely justified.

Strange how your lovely grandparents could have 3 horror shows for children.

Absolutely never apologize again.

I certainly wouldn't want to be seeing her.

So sorry that you had it so hard. I hope life has turned out well for you.

lyralalala · 20/07/2019 09:21

DH says I should actually be pissed off with her because the inheritance situation, in his opinion, stinks. My Nana had to protect the flat for me because she genuinely didn't think any of them would take me in even though I was only a kid still.

I'm actually beginning to see his point. Not a chance would my 12yo niece be in a flat herself with a babysitting rota.

In fact I have one of my brother's children living with me as at 16 he wouldn't put up with his father anymore and I don't really have the space or time, but no chance he was going into a hostel! He's my nephew.

Thank you. You've all said exactly what my lovely DH has been saying, but when it's strangers - not someone who loves you - it's sometimes a bit easier to take in.

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 20/07/2019 09:22

I'm going to add another voice to say do NOT apologise. I think you have been far too nice as it is.

These people should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Your grandparents sound lovely though.

username678889 · 20/07/2019 09:22

Are they serious ? They want you to apologise for being neglected and abused by your parents so you went to live with your grandparents ?
( shakes my head ) I'm outraged on your behalf you have nothing to apologise for . I'm just so sorry you have a shit family who are either abusive or are so self obsessed they think that you should apologise for not living with a abuser . These people are vile .

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 20/07/2019 09:23

Stop indulging this victim blaming BS.

Next time look them straight in the eye and say “honestly i would rather had a normal childhood and parents like yours, rather than ones that beat and starve us so badly we had to be removed from their care”

lyralalala · 20/07/2019 09:23

So sorry that you had it so hard. I hope life has turned out well for you.

It has. I have a wonderful DH. Between us we have 6 amazing kids. We have a lovely home and it's stressful and difficult at times (my youngest has significant health issues), but we're happy.

I actually sometimes think that pisses them off.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/07/2019 09:23

Do these relatives use Facebook?

I would actually be very tempted to write a public open letter

How disappointed you are that no family other than your beloved GP did anything to prevent you and siblings being starved, beaten and burnt as young children. How devastating it is to grow up knowing that your parents didn't love or want you.

How grateful you are for what your GP did and that you inherited your fathers share of their estate means so much to you.

I am literally Angry on your behalf.

Next time they pause I would ask "why did you never do anything to rescue you me and my siblings from our abusers?" Head tilt.

To cousins I would ask "What was it like growing up with parents that loved and cared for you?", "how come your mum/dad didn't share their inheritance from GP with you?" Head tilt....

Opossooom · 20/07/2019 09:24

Your aunt and uncle sound like uncle vernon and aunt pertunia and they need to absolutely fuck off with that shit. If I was you OP I would royally embarrass them. How can they, since they have their own children be so fucking cruel. AND the fact it was their very own sibling who caused this NOT YOU. Cunts.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 20/07/2019 09:25

For a start I would stop apologizing right now....you have nothing to be sorry about.Your grandparents made a decision and a bloody good one to rescue you all from a nightmare.If she is too blind to see and understand what happened then nothing you can say will alter her.I would tell her that if she is really suggesting that abused and neglected children should have stayed in that nightmare then you can find her a very good therapist for her as she obviously needs some proper help.Stop apologizing and live your life..be happy..be thankful you had such amazing grandparents who loved and cared for you when you were so badly let down by your own parents...This is her issue not yours and you do not have to participate in her feelings or make allowances for her take on the situation.She should be thoroughly ashamed of herself in my view,.I hope you are happy and settled now and I am sorry you had such a terrible start in life...I think the Aunt is being bloody ridiculous and needs to be told so....she sounds so utterly stupid to me,,,,I wish you well...xxx

RandomMess · 20/07/2019 09:25

Lots of x posts, embrace your DH family!!!

starzig · 20/07/2019 09:25

I would have it out with them. Tell them it wasn't your fault and you have nothing to apologise for and would appreciate if they didn't keep bringing up it up because the whole scenario is getting upsetting.

NoSquirrels · 20/07/2019 09:26

Oh Lyra - poor you. It all sounds hopelessly dysfunctional.

I suppose you could try shutting it down - ONCE ONLY.

“Aunt, when you say you think your DC missed out it really hurts me. It makes me feel responsible for something that wasn’t my fault - I was a child. My parents were responsible because we were abused. I don’t want to talk about this any more because it really hurts me.”

Then refuse to discuss ever ever again?

Work12 · 20/07/2019 09:28

Sending love, sometimes we can never understand people's way of thinking. I really do feel sad for you, protect yourself, you have done more than enough, focus on your own little family and block out the others negativity which is really weird and must be eating them up inside, what more can you do for them!