To worry about the resilience of adults

[MyKingdomForACaramel]

Am not trying to come across as goady or insensitive but have seen a distinct upturn recently both irl and online of adults not being able to deal with, what are essentially day to day life/set backs in a rational way -what was once a mishap is now a crisis.

To be clear I’m not talking l about those suffering with mental health issues (I have had my own), but more generally

it's because everyone is overstimulated

A lot of the problem is our "always on" society

Yes, I agree Housemum. That point about 'always on' is, IMO, key to our society-wide MH crisis. People seem to feel like they need to justify pottering about and doing not very much these days - whereas I'm certain that that sort of aimlessness and relaxation is essential for good MH. Everyone is always on their phone and they're expected to be contactable at all times. For anyone in a professional job it's no longer okay to go on holiday and be incommunicado.

In my parents' day, my dad would leave work on the Friday before he went off on his annual two-week holiday and he wouldn't speak to anyone from his work for the entire two weeks. He could completely, 100%, switch off from work and not think about it until he got back. That's impossible now. People at work have no compunction whatsoever about disturbing your holiday with calls and emails. My DH frequently has conference calls while we're on holiday, necessitating us finding a good wifi signal so he can sit next to it for an hour. Every day he has emails he has to reply to. There is no point doing an 'out of office' email as it's ignored and seen as unprofessional once you get to a certain level of seniority - the idea being that it's your job 365 days a year and besides, do you really want your colleague taking over while you're away and perhaps showing that they do your job better than you do? It means people can never switch off - not at home in the evening and not on holiday.

The school curriculum doesn’t help at all. The amount of depressing things my year 9 dd was required to tackle this year was astonishing. Debates on euthanasia- ‘who would you choose to euthanise?’. The Handmaids tale, dystopian fiction, serial killers, abortion, famine, Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the death penalty. It doesn’t do any good to the mental health of 13-14 year olds to be studying all this at the same time. Maths became her favourite subject, as there couldn’t be anything depressing in it.

My DH frequently has conference calls while we're on holiday, necessitating us finding a good wifi signal so he can sit next to it for an hour.

^^ This. It's to the point where I know people who use horrendously expensive satellite phones to get round the patchiness/relative lack of wifi signal.

Life is stressful, we have more and more demands on us. It’s busy and chaotic at times. It isn’t about their resilience though, it’s about people forgetting to take care of them selves.

I think there are a lot of factors at play but I think one of the causes is the change in parenting style over the last few decades.

In the middle class world that I mostly inhabit, parents are all over their children's lives in ways that wouldn't have happened in years gone by. We infantalise them in many ways.

I'm regularly surprised by the number of DD's friends (she is 17) who haven't been on public transport, haven't ever been left home alone for any period of time, who've never had to shop for groceries, who have never cooked a meal, who've never had a Saturday job or summer holiday job and whose parents constantly wade in at school, so they never ever have to fight their own corner or deal with something themselves.

I think this is absolute madness and will definitely result in adults lacking resilience to cope with anything at all!!!!

I like the change in parenting style. Children can talk about the things that bother them to parents. It’s okay for parents to go with their children on university open days, to be in contact with them during term time, to give them a hand financially. Not to expect them to be complete gown ups the moment they turn 18. Just to be a background support if needed.

Older people always worry about the younger generation, but really from what I see, there is very little to worry about. And there is a pattern that the previous generation always thinks that the next one are complete snowflakes. "They don't know they're born!" I heard all the time when I was younger.

Each generation has its own foibles which are defined by, and appropriate to the times they are living in. They are not growing up in the 1970s or 1980s. Of course they are different! The world is different.

I see where you're coming from on some of your examples, but I also think stress and anxiety are genuinely on the rise as a result of the changes in modern life.

My own example - I had a pretty difficult childhood due to having one parent with a severe mental illness and another who buried their head in the sand. My parents were of a generation where one salary (even at the lower end of the scale) could put a roof over a family's head and put food on the table, and all my friends had 'normal' stable home lives. My parents made some terrible decisions, lost our house, were always behind on bills, stuck renting and we had to move house 8 times during my childhood. I craved the stability my friends had, and swore I would do everything the right way; go to college, get a job and have my own house by 30 at the latest.

I did all the things I was supposed to do - went to college and got a degree, got a job, saved what I could, did a masters part-time while working in order to improve my prospects. But the world has changed. I'm 36 and still don't own a home as the housing market has gone crazy, and after my last contract ended I've tried going self-employed but it's really hard. The job market is more competitive than ever and more is expected for less. Rents are extortionate. It is soul destroying, and when you add in personal life stressors as well (relationship breakups, ill parents, etc) it's not surprising many people struggle to cope.

If I had lived in my parents' generation I would have been in a much more stable position by now. I dread to think what would have happened to them if they were born into my generation.

Also a lot of things we read about in the media are made up, exaggerated, five years behind, or simply just not experienced by loads of people. In my teens in the late 80s and early 90s I used to read about "peer pressure" all the time, the pressure to have sex early and take drugs. I used to think "What pressure?"

People are now more likely recognise stress, anxiety and depression for what they are, and that anyone can suffer from poor mental health, as well as poor physical health, and this is absolutely to be welcomed.

Yes. And I can see it happening with the children of these people too. It's sad, and no. Not mental health related.

I don’t know if this is what you mean, but I’ve certainly noticed on MN that people seem to have disproportionate emotional reactions to things - eg posters are often ‘heartbroken’ about (for example) taking their child’s dummy away, or they ‘sit on the floor crying’ after tripping over, or they’re ‘fuming’ or ‘raging’ over something their sister-in-law said.

It might just be linguistic but it feels like people are much more inclined to make drama out of very minor things.

I just think there is more stress on people to be perfect all the time and not upset anyone by saying the wrong thing. I also find that people jump on me for expressing an opinion even if its just an everyday observation. someone will always take it the wrong way to the way i meant to be taken!!

I feel sorry for the young though as they havent the prospects i had when i was young and i didnt have a very welll paid job or anything, but we were able to obtain a modest mortgage and leave home in our 20s etc etc. things that a lot of young people will manage to do even if they are working. It is affecting their mental health a lot more and technology and social media cant help matters as its all about your image and how you look rather than personality, which makes some feel a bit inadequate compared to other people.

I do feel some people like drama in their lives though, they seem to thrive on it, but thats always been the case to be honest.
some people can be strange at times - they do have different ways of thinking about things to how i think and that can be hard to try and comprehend or work out.

on MN that people seem to have disproportionate emotional reactions to things

It's a foible of social media. Creating more drama to attract attention.

It's like the youth of today have no idea how to cope in a world when things don't go their way because they have never been told no or shown how to stand on their own feet.
I mean no disrespect, but as a child in sports or school for example, their were winners and there were losers. If you wanted to win, you worked hard. Now everyone gets a participation medal. There is no reward, so feeling of success and being proud. Also, it's not a case of growing a back bone as per the old saying, but you learnt to deal with things because you had to find your own way, parents didn't go against teachers and schools they supported them. Hate to say it, but discipline too, I'm not talking about smacking children, but we certainly had more respect (Or so it feels).
I look at the tragic case of that young lad laying in front of the train this week and wonder how it all went so wrong, how does bullying make a child feel like that - and I say that as someone who was severely bullied and dealt with my own dad's suicide

@PIPERHELLO I've searched it but can't seem to find anything linked to increasing resilience on FL. Can you link please?

Sorry @MamaOomMowWow - I should read rather than skim.

In the middle class world that I mostly inhabit, parents are all over their children's lives in ways that wouldn't have happened in years gone by. We infantalise them in many ways.

There's a lot of pressure from schools, other parents and family to do that.

We've had other parents veto buses to get into town for y7 and insist on lifts and family members react with horor that even secondary school children are left alone in house after school for short periods or that they are allowed out at all by themsleves.

I got grief for leaving Y6 at home with older sibling - I was going to have to do that come yr 7 - so slowly built it up - if they argued they came with so they learnt not to.

We often have to stop and think well we were doing this at younger ages.

It's like the youth of today have no idea how to cope in a world when things don't go their way because they have never been told no or shown how to stand on their own feet.

That post could have been expressed at any time since the dawn of man.

Can you imagine in the Stone Age? "They've got bloody tools now, not like in my day. In my day we had a twig and a bone and liked it. And don't talk to me about those new-fangled round wheels."

I know bigKiteFlying. I've battled against it throughout the lives of my two. As I mentioned DD is 17 and DS is just shy of 20, so the battle has passed somewhat but I've been really surprised how giving children the tools to deal with every day life seems to have fallen out of fashion.

Children cannot become responsible or learn to cope with unexpected situation unless they are given responsibility and equipped with coping skills.

This doesn't mean that we don't embrace the better bits about life today, which is being able to talk about how we feel and less authoritarian approaches to parenthood - but perhaps we should think again on trying to shut down all exposure to risk!

That’s not at all true in my experience. I grew up in a mining town and was a teenager during the miners’ strike. We had no jobs to go to as school leavers. Things were incredibly bleak. Same for my DP who had an incredibly difficult childhood and who was one of those poor souls who had to claim dole standing next to his own father in the queue. Fast forward a few decades and we have both had very successful careers (two in my case) and we are both very resilient people. DP in particular has had a lot of challenges and is the most positive and hardworking person I know.

You did have jobs to go to as all you had to do is move away from the area you lived in. Hence the fact that you and your DP had very successful careers. My DP also had a very deprived childhood but he knew that he could get out. I don't think it is as easy nowadays and that increases the pressure on young adults.

I get that @floribunda18 but I am referring to the generation so pandered to that cannot deal with situations because they have not been told no, they've always had a parent stepping in to smooth the way. So many other posters on here have put such eloquent examples

@edsheeranpaidmoretaxthanccola it was at least 10 months ago...might have gone but worth hunting for others on that site. Some good content!