To worry about the resilience of adults

[MyKingdomForACaramel]

Am not trying to come across as goady or insensitive but have seen a distinct upturn recently both irl and online of adults not being able to deal with, what are essentially day to day life/set backs in a rational way -what was once a mishap is now a crisis.

To be clear I’m not talking l about those suffering with mental health issues (I have had my own), but more generally

My mum was an addict from when I was quite young. I had very little supervision at home.

Some one attempted to sexually assault me 3 times on my walk to school I was 11, 13 and 15. My mum didn’t care obviously, she was too busy with her own issues. But Id say that taught me a lot about how to deal with situations I don’t want to be in. Particularly where the power is skewed.

We used to hang out on the walk back from school so I had lots of unsupervised playtime. Met boys from other schools, I put myself on the pill at 14 at the local GUM clinic. There were so many situations we found ourselves in where I thought, this isn’t right, I must make sure never to get in this situation again. It definitely gave me an ability to judge potential danger and listen to my own unease. I now find I have a lot of adaptability in difficult situations.

It wasn’t the physical walking to school, but the experiences that it brought with it. It wasn’t always horrible experiences, we had great fun. Plus I always knew which night bus to get on at 3am when my friends were crying that we’d never get home and calling their parents to get out of bed!

I work with students and the two biggest things I've noticed is total denial they've done anything wrong even while they are actually doing said wrong task. Just cannot own their actions. And the lack of confidence in tasks too 'i can't do maths' means they'll just switch off and not try rather than attempt and learn. It's crazy

It wasn’t the physical walking to school, but the experiences that it brought with it. It wasn’t always horrible experiences, we had great fun. Plus I always knew which night bus to get on at 3am when my friends were crying that we’d never get home and calling their parents to get out of bed!

So you are saying walking to school can build resilience because someone might attempt to assault you? I'm not suggesting that you aren't a resilient person but you don't know whether you would have been anyway. Generally adults who have had good stable childhoods are better at dealing with adversity, not the other way around.

Oh wow I don’t know how you made that leap. No, I meant that walking to school opens your life experience to things that will help build adaptability and the ability to make safe judgements. You have to learn to manage yourself, rather than your parent managing your life experience.

Oh wow I don’t know how you made that leap. No, I meant that walking to school opens your life experience to things that will help build adaptability and the ability to make safe judgements. You have to learn to manage yourself, rather than your parent managing your life experience.

My life experience was gained from all sorts of things but walking to and from school definitely wasn't one of them. I just walked there and back full stop. I would certainly hope it is the same for my children. Adversity and challenges came from other things (e.g. at school and friendships) that parents can have no influence over anyway.

Ok. Well, a lot of my school and friendship and first boyfriend experiences were made on the way to and from school. With my friends and other local children and children from other areas and schools. It that clearer? I’m sure that is the same for a lot of people, and it’s a missed opportunity if you spend that time sitting in the back of your parents car being ferried everywhere listening to smooth fm instead.

Ok. Well, a lot of my school and friendship and first boyfriend experiences were made on the way to and from school. With my friends and other local children and children from other areas and schools. It that clearer? I’m sure that is the same for a lot of people, and it’s a missed opportunity if you spend that time sitting in the back of your parents car being ferried everywhere listening to smooth fm instead.

So you think that people have have been driven to school as children (for whatever reason) are less able to deal with life as adults. I very much doubt it! Obviously if someone never leaves the house during their childhood they could have problems but almost everyone goes to school and gains life experience whether or not they walk to school.

I think because minor acts of independence, making sandwiches, walking home from school increases real self confidence. A sense of being a competent useful person.
Those accomplishments feel real in a way that participation trophies (to use the cliche) do not.
That stands to you in later life when real difficulties come, you have already internalised that sense that of being able to help yourself, not being afraid to take control, expecting that your actions will solve the problem.

Please stop telling other people what they mean. It’s very hard to discuss something properly when you keep making huge leaps.

My point and other posters points is that if parents remove the opportunity to manage a child’s own life choices and limit life experiences, people may become unable to properly gauge situations, threats and obstacles which otherwise would have presented themselves to the child earlier and given them an opportunity to resolve themselves. This equipping them with transferable skills for later life.

But yeah, make it about walking to school.

Its about risk management, learning to be safe around roads or in the kitchen, time management, managing own relationships without parents getting involved, having the confidence you are capable of doing things for yourself.

These are things which parents can teach but they have to be prepared to let go of the reins and accept that life for their kids isn't risk free. I think there is a lot of anxiety in society as well as time poverty which means parents struggle with this.

My daughter has been walking to school since year 5. Granted it is close by but i thought this was normal. Cars are rubbish for the planet and exercise is beneficial as is independance.

It’s not as if I said that walking to school is the single most defining factor for adult stress disorders either! 😂 It is just one of many many small experiences that may impact an adults ability to accurately perceive danger or threat.

Obviously I wasn’t saying that all children who are driven to school will have an anxiety disorder, just as I wasn’t saying that all children who walk to school will be potentially sexually assaulted. Just that I was (and I consider it to have been a moment I look back on and think, yes, that was a defining life experience.)

It’s very hard when someone is determined to make you say things you haven’t said.

My point and other posters points is that if parents remove the opportunity to manage a child’s own life choices and limit life experiences, people may become unable to properly gauge situations, threats and obstacles which otherwise would have presented themselves to the child earlier and given them an opportunity to resolve themselves. This equipping them with transferable skills for later life

But whether or not a parent lets their child walk to school at a young age or make their own sandwiches or other types of independence from a young ager, they will still be getting life experience from being at school, mixing with peers etc etc. Things will still go wrong for them and they will still be dealing with challenges. The fact that they didn't walk to school will also have no impact on whether they can get about and about as teenagers. However protective parents are when their children are small it's not going to have an impact on how resilient they are as teenagers or adults.

I agree there is no conflict in making your own sandwiches. I do however think that there are valuable skills gained in independence outside of the home and school curriculum area where there are no responsible adults, parents or teachers around to turn to for a resolution and where self reliance is the only resolution.

“Anxiety disorders are on the rise!”
If you are willing to accept this headline statement as true, what do you think is the reason/aggregating factor?

Dungeons,

You make a big assertion there with no argument or evidence to back it up,

My suspicion is that overly protective parenting of toddlers upwards will certainly have an impact on a child’s resilience that will persist through its life.

FFS it isn't about walking to school - it's about the whole attitude of allowing kids to make their own mistakes and deal with their own diffculties - that is what PPs were traying to say.
And no-one is saying it is definitive just that it may well be a factor in building resilience.

This is a very, very interetsing thread. I have two DCs who are completely different. One does nothing for himself - the other is independent. I mollycoddle both I think.

My own resilience is rapidly decreasing. I was soooo tough but as I age and find that I have used up all my chances I feel fragile.

Very very useful to hear what others have to say about this.

I know Cellular, it is really interesting. At the age of 15, I could get the tube to Oxford Circus, tell you which exit took you to Argyll street, walk from there through soho to Covent Garden, all from my own exploration. And spend all the money I’d got in my little Saturday job! I was clubbing and going to pubs at 16! And I know parents who will refuse to let their children go on school trips if it requires a public transport element or going to London or having never been to that particular place themselves. Again, this is all anecdotal but in the case of being held back from school trips, it’s clear the kids are missing out.

f you are willing to accept this headline statement as true, what do you think is the reason/aggregating factor?

I think it is probably a combination of diagnosis being better and there might be more pressure on average on teenagers young adults nowadays than there used to be. I very much doubt it has anything to do with whether the adults walked to school by themselves as young children, or were potty trained from a young age or made their own sandwiches at a young age etc.

You make a big assertion there with no argument or evidence to back it up

I'm not the one making big assertions. That would be all the big asserting that not letting children walk to school at a young age or make their own sandwiches etc will have an impact on the mental health as adults.

Why do you keep calling independent decision making, self reliance, time keeping, making friendships, meeting people, experiencing society on a miniature scale “walking to school”?

Can you not see that it’s not about the physical walk?

My suspicion is that overly protective parenting of toddlers upwards will certainly have an impact on a child’s resilience that will persist through its life.

And you think that I am making big assertions without evidence?! What evidence do have that the toddlers who had protective parents are more likely to lack resilience and have mental health problems in later life. Please link to the research papers.

Can you not see that it’s not about the physical walk?

It is just a physical walk for most people. My children walked to school from about year 5 with their friends and I'm pretty sure it has had zero impact on their mental health as older teenagers or adults.

Well, we’ll never know without a longtudinal study but I’m pretty sure it will have had a positive impact.

There are studies which show the link between good mental health and physical exercise, as well as the positive impact of being in nature so that’s a start...

Well, we’ll never know without a longtudinal study but I’m pretty sure it will have had a positive impact.

So it is just your personal opinion not based on any evidence at all. I realise that you weren't the one that said I was making big assertions without any evidence it is a bit of a joke that someone has said that when they were doing exactly the thing they were accusing me of.

No. It’s not just my personal option. Studies which acknowledge the benefits of nature and exercise for MH issues are widespread, and treatment is often tailored to include it. Walking to school is exercise. Walking outside is nature. 👍🏻

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/nature-and-mental-health/#.XTMRA2LTWEc

www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-benefits-of-exercise/