Aibu to think is just luck or your parenting that makes your child behave ?

[havinganothertry]

I spent a day last weekend at a picnic with a big group of NCT friends and their partners/ husbands. All our kids are 3 ish now and some have littler ones too. All the kids played nicely ( around 20 kids) apart from two. These two have perfectly lovely parents, who did try to correct their behaviour to no avail. Is it a consistency or wording thing, as in maybe they don't correct them at home? These two children were shouty, grabby, rough and one kept taking other kids food or toys by snatching it away from them aggressively.

Now my DS is a bit of a wall flower these days, he's pretty shy. However he has not been prefect as around 1 yrs he went through a hitting phase. I had to follow him around all the time to stop him before he lashed out and tell him no instead of getting to chat with the other mums

So aibu to think these parents weren't parenting enough or was it just luck for the rest of us ? My DS doesn't get threats like no more tv if you do x at the moment, so I see 3 is a tricky age. However most of the kids would be in some sort of preschool so surely used to being around other and this bad behaviour from a few isn't allowed there ?

i parented my children exactly the same until i realised it was working terribly with one of my children and was making his behaviour worse. Totally had to change style

Of course. I couldn't parent my two the same, they are completely different characters. I swear I could still count to 3 with my now 20yr old and he would still respond . My other child would have let me count to 3million before even glancing in my direction.

It's both.
I describe my dc like this:
I tell them (as a toddler) here's a line. Do not cross it.

One would not go within a yard of the line in case they accidentally crossed it.
One would go and stand on the line so they could be as close to getting over it without getting in trouble.
One would sprint hard for the line to get as far over it as possible before they were stopped.

As teenagers they still have aspects of those reactions left in. However the sprinter would now stand on the line and consider whether they think it's worth the consequences of going over-and usually conclude not.
The one who wouldn't have gone near the line, if they feel there is a good reason why they need to go over the line, will come and discuss it with their reasons.
And the middle one will still push to the limit of what they're allowed, but doesn't stay pushing it when they've made their point. So figuratively they put one foot on the boundary, and then retreat.

The first was their natural behaviour. What they do now is a mixture of their natural behaviour and parental input.

Parenting, and we all know it. But only for NT DC. Given at that age often no one can tell, be polite - sneaky migraine pill, smile and nod.

I think it's both.

@underneaththeash maybe the parents who call it gentle parenting (which is very into consistent boundaries) but are actually permissive parents (like a lovely friend of mine who has no concept of telling her older, spirited child to behave herself and as a result we avoid seeing them).

Mostly personality.

I think it's a bit of both.

DD was like the children you describe at that age. It later transpired that she is autistic and possibly has ADHD too.

That being said, I think parenting style needs to be adapted to suit the child. What works for one child may not work for another, whether they are NT or not

Luck, parenting, genetics.

My kids have been parented the same, one's pretty hard-core over-emotional, stresses about everything and we have all the joy (and tantrums, shouting, throwing) that that brings with it, and one is pretty laid-back, has the odd shouty hissy fit but nothing to write home about. Both delightfully behaved outside the home. We're bloody lucky.

We have twins next door, both brought up identically, now hitting teenage years, one is the most delightfully, chatty, polite, funny, friendly girl you could wish to meet, the other is completely monosyllabic (and she will come out the other side I know) but then I look at the parents and one is really friendly, chatty etc etc and the other is completely monosyllabic and grunts a greeting if you're lucky. So yeah, some genetics.

Both play a role. I agree that natural personality and characteristics make a big difference, but I think parenting can too and often people aren't willing to recognise the role this can play, albeit not being the full story.

People have different ideas about 'right parenting' and some will decide that even if different parenting would lead to their child being better behaved or sleeping better or whatever, that that still isn't the way they want to parent. It's about having different ideas about how children should behave to start with, as well as having different ideas about how as adults we want to behave and engage with our children.

So some adults will look at the parenting of others and think it is good - that firm boundaries are put in place and the child knows they are loved but there will be consequences of certain behaviours. Others will look at the same parenting and think it is restrictive and crushing the independent character of the child and that the parents are controlling. The same adults might see other parenting as laid-back or child-centred whilst other adults will see that parenting as lazy and promoting bad behaviour. Some care more about the impact of their child on others around them (in cafes or public transport for example) and others are not remotely interested in the impact on others at all.

Lots of people don't realise the consequences of their parenting I think. Some look wistfully at a child who mostly does what they are told and who doesn't run round in restaurants at 6 years old (and I'm talking about NT children here) and assume it's all just down to that child's personality (and some of it no doubt will be) but without realising that the behaviour didn't just happen and probably required much much deletion of expectations and follow-through that were actually very hard work.

People often comment on how polite my children are and that they have good manners and how lucky I am. I just think back to the time between them being 1 and 3 when I picked them up and made them say 'please and Thankyou' every single time there was a space for it. It wasn't exceptionally hard work for me, but it required effort and determination and sometimes I felt like not bothering. And I see lots of parents with children of all kinds of ages hand them items that the child never says thank you for and they aren't picked up on it. Perhaps the parents do t know or care...its up to them in the end, but it's not surprising that the 11 or 14 year old doesn't think to say thank you or please and it just isn't second nature to them, or to lots of adults. I'm not trying to boast about myself here, just to give one simple little example. I do think that people have different expectations and also different willingnesses to persevere over behaviour and particularly to face the resistance which can come from small children who want their own way. Even if you'd like them to stay at the table, it can be easier to let them leave the table rather than face a paddy that will ensure if you ask or insist they stay there. Often the path of least resistance is chosen.

And I do know that lots of children have issues of all kinds which mean that parenting will never result in a particular type of behaviour. I do realise that.

Possibly luck? My DS is only 10 months. We go to a baby signing class. The other babies sit in the circle in one place and will occasionally crawl or shuffle towards the middle. DS explores the whole room, climbs stuff, tries to find the instruments and get them out, shouts enthusiastically, and tries to make friends with everyone else’s mum. I spend the whole thing saying ‘DS come back please’ or chasing after him. The other parents seem genuinely surprised that yes, he is on the go like this ALL THE TIME. I don’t think I’m any less disciplined but he’s still by far the most ‘enthusiastic’ child there.

Most parenting I see is gentle parenting these days. Or shouty !!!

@YourSarcasmIsDripping yes I did engage both children. The one I know better ( the one I have had over for play dates) I was trying to help diffuse the situation with my DS, but I don't want to take over too.

The other child threw something at me when I tried to engage them, and I did say "no throwing, say sorry for throwing." They then threw the other thing they were holding on the floor and didn't say anything. I don't think I helped. So my parenting maybe isn't the right match for dealing with their personalities? Both had parents nearby which had spoken to them previously, so I was trying to assist.

To the poster who doesn't say their child has SEN. I don't get it. If they said they had SEN I'd understand it's even harder than usual.

Personality (child and parent), parenting and circumstances .

My DD10 and DS8 are great children, I think it's 2/3 luck and 1/3 parenting. And it's much easier to do the 1/3 parenting when you've got naturally easy DCs.

Parenting tailored to the personality of the child.

Definitely a bit of both.
Different parenting can be required of different children.

My first was placid, gentle, retiring, followed instructions, always played so nicely.

My second while having a very lovely nature, never took a blind bit of notice of me.
Not bratty, but just didn't listen or follow instructions at all. I had to have eyes in the back of my head. Exhausting.
A couple of years of consistent parenting and zero tolerance of some behaviour and he calmed down. Eventually.

Third child after a few false starts settled down when she realised that I would not put up with bratty behaviour.

All have grown into street/school angel's and mostly house angel's too.

Consistency is key but it can be absolutely exhausting at times.

I have found some of the children of the nicest, gentlest of parents to be quite bratty and you can see the parents are overwhelmed at times.

Parenting requires a lot of energy and girding of loins at times!

I think it’s 50:50. All toddler age children are selfish and id driven to a degree so they need boundaries and guidance but some children are naturally ‘easier’ than others and only need telling once or twice. Others are more stubborn or slower to learn and might need the same lessons repeated many, many times before they accept them.

*There are multiple factors including how well the parent's personality meshes with a particular child and that child's needs and way of experiencing and interacting with the world.

Hence why two siblings can seemingly have the same privileged childhood with the same caring parents but one grows up with, say attachment issues and the other doesn't. Parents' relating styles, personality etc suited one child but not the other. (Other factors around too, obviously).*

^ this

@TinyMystery that was my older child at Baby Sensory. The other babies looked at their mum and cooed, mine just wanted to wreak havoc.

I’ve always felt it was more important for your toddler DC to respect you, than to like you. You’re their parent, not their playmate, and you need to establish that very early on.
They need to learn that repeated whining and sulking will not result in you giving in and dishing out endless sweets or compromising on bedtime or whatever, and that if you threaten a consequence for bad behaviour it will consistently and always happen.
Kids know where they are with firm sensible boundaries. I didn’t pick fights over trivia, but things like good manners, taking turns, decent table behaviour etc were non negotiable. In return, they got rewarded for good behaviour, and I always gave an age appropriate explanation why they couldn’t do something they wanted (eg run into the traffic!)
Both my DDs were intelligent and feisty, and one is autistic, but I actually had very few tantrums when they were toddlers. It helped that they were very verbal with a large vocabulary from 18 months, so could communicate their wishes or problems well, and understand my response.
I’m glad modern parents don’t horsewhip their DC (as my father did), but I fear they may have gone too far down the path of indulging the most appalling behaviour, including let them snatch toys and hit other children.

Of course, as others have said, it’s a combination of both personality (child and parent), circumstance and parenting.

Are you blaming yourself for having a shy ‘wallflower’ child? If so, don’t! If they are naturally shy that may or may not change with time, you can just support them and model social behaviour, but you can’t change their personality.

Bit of both I think. Sometimes kids do get overexcited and overtired and just will not be told. I think its hard to judge on a snapshot tbh as sometimes a normally firm and effective parent is just knackered and has had it with trying to discipline.

Definitely a mixture. Some children are highly sensitive/highly spirited and it is going to be harder to manage their behaviour. Some parents can't be bothered/haven't got the skills/think it's cruel to provide any kind of discipline. A combination of the two can be stressful for everyone else!

Mostly parenting, with regards to NT children. However, there will be a factor of luck as well. I have 6 DC who have all been brought up the same way and, whilst they are all generally well behaved, there is variation in their behaviour which I cannot account for in how I've brought them up.

Before I had my two ds I would have said both. I still stand by it.

3 children here. Personality plays an absolutely MASSIVE part.