Aibu to think is just luck or your parenting that makes your child behave ?

[havinganothertry]

I spent a day last weekend at a picnic with a big group of NCT friends and their partners/ husbands. All our kids are 3 ish now and some have littler ones too. All the kids played nicely ( around 20 kids) apart from two. These two have perfectly lovely parents, who did try to correct their behaviour to no avail. Is it a consistency or wording thing, as in maybe they don't correct them at home? These two children were shouty, grabby, rough and one kept taking other kids food or toys by snatching it away from them aggressively.

Now my DS is a bit of a wall flower these days, he's pretty shy. However he has not been prefect as around 1 yrs he went through a hitting phase. I had to follow him around all the time to stop him before he lashed out and tell him no instead of getting to chat with the other mums

So aibu to think these parents weren't parenting enough or was it just luck for the rest of us ? My DS doesn't get threats like no more tv if you do x at the moment, so I see 3 is a tricky age. However most of the kids would be in some sort of preschool so surely used to being around other and this bad behaviour from a few isn't allowed there ?

Oh and at 10 days old the midwife asked me if my husband and I were stubborn people as she could see it In the babies, GP called him a tyrant due to way he screamed st 6 week check so clearly harnessed correctly he will overcome all obstacles to achieve his goals much like his mother.

I have used exactly the same parenting techniques with both my two.My older DS needed more guidance and supervision when he was young(still does).He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 7.
My younger DS is quieter and easy going.So I think really it is luck of the draw.

Bit of both IMO. Both of my are pretty good but the amount of effort to keep my DD on the straight and narrow is huge... unlike DS who never puts a foot wrong.

I have had one of the difficult children around to play a few times for play date as we live a few roads away . Like I said I really like the mum, but the child's behaviour is terrible. The shouting in my DS' face especially. It maybe of course that he isn't NT, but if she or preschool suspects this then she hasn't shared it with me. She did say they suggested a hearing test for him as they did for my son ( same preschool chain , but they attend different ones.) I've tried to be understanding as I agree kids need to learn, but I won't have him over again.

Btw I had my sons hearing tested as they suggested and it was ok, she said she didn't think he needed it so hasn't, so maybe there is some issue there ?! I am not thinking I'm perfect, I'm sure there will be something with DS soon. It's just interesting as I wouldn't say these, children have bad parents, maybe it's just ineffectiveness. I'm not a fan of the gentle hands brigade, but different things work for different kids.

Are they permissive/gentle parents, OP? Doesn’t matter how “nice” they are, that’s shit parenting.

It's all kind of things, a child's unmet needs, environment, individual or special needs, other people, basic physical unmet needs like hungers/tired or a bad nights sleep, your own perception of 'bad behaviour' and your own value systems. The parents personality, personal tolerance levels. Then you've got transitions in a child's life, how often they're at nursery or away from caregivers. The list goes on.

Blaming parents is unhelpful even if they are the reason on that particular day at that particular time. Parenting is far from simple and all behaviour is communication. We live in a society where people have all kinds of social anxieties without always considering how children fit into our moulds and ideals.

A mix of both I guess. I'd go with 60/40 parenting vs personality.

I agree though that different DC respond better to different parenting methods.

Both - they’re not mutually exclusive they rely on each other - take my two DC - my son has super manners but my daughter challenges, rears up and still at 5.5 has massive tantrums. She has a far angrier disposition than him, so it can seem like bad behaviour when she’s out, what is actually happening is she’s not yet coping with her own surges of anger. Which obviously we work on, but to the uninitiated it might appear that it’s poor parenting.

There’s just no way it’s all down to parenting. How very judgemental to think that every child misbehaving is a badly parented child.

Bit of both, but as the parent of a toddler I start to see the effects of badly implemented/misunderstood “gentle parenting” kicking in. “Jack, don’t do that” followed by precisely no consequence is my favourite.

DD is fairly compliant, and I am lucky with that. But if I reasonably ask her to do something and she doesn’t, I step in.

Elvesdontdomagic I don't think we should blame parents but I think there should be much more emphasis on what good parenting can look like. If we acknowledge how important parenting is to the development of a human being, then we might not have a lot of the problems that we do in society.

Personality - 2 children poles apart . Same parenting - one was a nightmare . 99% of the time now he’s a great compassionate kid - school report described him as delightful recently .

It’s a long old journey raising a child - don’t judge too soon .

I have such a strong suspicion a lot of it is luck. My DD (12) is lovely. So gentle, kind, easygoing, does what she’s asked without complaining...etc.

I am definitely not the best parent I know. We both work too much, I’ve never read a patenting book, and I’m pretty laid back and hands off due to having pushy parents I didn’t want to emulate. I always say to DH we are so lucky and I don’t know how we got away with it. I had her when I was 17 so had no fucking clue who I was then let alone what kind of parent I wanted to be.

I also know people I would consider to be model parents who somehow end up with monstrous children.

Did any of you did anything, like trying to engage the two toddlers,getting involved in their games,tell them no? Or did you just sit there quietly with a raised eyebrow and silently judging?

To answer your question it's both ,if by luck you mean personality, SEND or not, the parent's own upbringing and experiences etc.

I have a very well behaved,kind, polite DD, she was easy to manage in terms of behaviour. On the other hand she didn't eat,sleep or talk properly until she was nearly 4. At dinner or bedtime I'd look like a useless,ineffective parent, on a day out or playdate I'd be mum of the year.

Both. Some children are very hard to parent well and easily end up rude, aggressive or whiny: it takes a patient and thoughtful parent to keep them in line. Some children could be lovely and have bloody shocking parents who let them run amok and give in to whining or tantrums. Give them a few boundaries and bingo, 80% of the 'he's terrible, I just can't deal with him' behaviour disappears.

I say this as someone who once left toddler group after 12 minutes because three strikes and you're out was seen as a challenge rather than a definite outcome. Oh the screaming...

i parented my children exactly the same until i realised it was working terribly with one of my children and was making his behaviour worse. Totally had to change style.

Should add DH disagrees with me and thinks it’s because we are so chilled (never fight with each other or raise voices) she just sees being nice and compliant as the way humans are.

But as I’ve said I know lovely people with scary violent children.

I always thought that behaviour was mostly down to nurture. Adopting DC has changed my thoughts on that immensely. Parenting does make a difference but it's more about tempering the underlying personality than moulding a whole person from a blank piece of clay.

It's both imo. Parenting (or lack of it) makes a huge difference but children do have different personalities and that makes a huge difference too. And then there are disabilities and neurological differences and mental health difficulties and some children are adopted so you can end up judging the wrong set of parents...

Grasspigeons

But that is good parenting. So you’re not “lucky”, you’re a good parent who realised you needed to adapt.

Phone just ate my longer response. I have 2 DC, one 'spirited' but at 5 generally great behaviour, you might not have seen how hard she was Parented (sorry for using it as a verb) at 2 and 3 because she was bloody hard work. Never aggressive, but stubborn, angry, prone to hair raising tantrums that lasted literally hours. DC2 is a happy, fairly easy going if highly inquisitive toddler and requires FAR less work to get the same results. So, bit of both. All kids are different, but shit permissive parenting can ruin almost any child IMO.

i parented my children exactly the same until i realised it was working terribly with one of my children and was making his behaviour worse. Totally had to change style.

Now that, to me, is top parenting. Actually being open to the possibility and accepting that the parenting techniques that had worked so well for one, were not for the other, and then finding a style that is effective for the other. Rather than just blaming the child for not adapting to the parenting techniques.

What makes your child behave is consistency.

We can go over the nature/nurture debate until the cows come home and never get an answer. Personally I'm in the equal amounts of both camp.

But in general, and obviously allowing for special needs, most parents are not consistent in the way they treat their children. When we are tired/broke/stressed/overwhelmed we forget to do the things that work when things are calm and positive.

It doesn't matter if you have a quiet child, a boisterous one, a clever one, consistency is the key. The majority of children respond to the same simple processes, getting down to their level, not giving too many choices, calm firm voice, having clear, consistent boundaries in place. These are skills that have to be learned by parents and having an understanding of how much better your life will be if you carried out your chosen way of parenting in the same way, every day, no matter what would be a real eye opener for many parents.

However, we are all human, we all have our flaws and differing levels of tolerance, stress, tiredness etc, so it's not something that's easily achievable for many parents.

A friend of mine has three kids. The eldest boy and youngest daughter were model examples of good behaviour at a hool, the middle boy was the ONE kid all others avoided at all costs. Bully, disruptive, argumentative etc...

Definitely not the result of poor parenting on the opposite, it is thanks to very good parenting that he overcame his issues and became a very pleasant teenager. I suspect he would have turned into a delinquant if he hadn't had such good parents who although overwhelmed, dealt with his behaviour the appropriate way.

It is a bit of both, but over the course of all my children’s schooling you can guarantee that the children of those practicing ‘gentle parenting’ with be utter nightmares...