Aibu to think is just luck or your parenting that makes your child behave ?

[havinganothertry]

I spent a day last weekend at a picnic with a big group of NCT friends and their partners/ husbands. All our kids are 3 ish now and some have littler ones too. All the kids played nicely ( around 20 kids) apart from two. These two have perfectly lovely parents, who did try to correct their behaviour to no avail. Is it a consistency or wording thing, as in maybe they don't correct them at home? These two children were shouty, grabby, rough and one kept taking other kids food or toys by snatching it away from them aggressively.

Now my DS is a bit of a wall flower these days, he's pretty shy. However he has not been prefect as around 1 yrs he went through a hitting phase. I had to follow him around all the time to stop him before he lashed out and tell him no instead of getting to chat with the other mums

So aibu to think these parents weren't parenting enough or was it just luck for the rest of us ? My DS doesn't get threats like no more tv if you do x at the moment, so I see 3 is a tricky age. However most of the kids would be in some sort of preschool so surely used to being around other and this bad behaviour from a few isn't allowed there ?

i parented my children exactly the same until i realised it was working terribly with one of my children and was making his behaviour worse. Totally had to change style
I completely agree with you and I have argued this point on training courses. You can have the same family values, boundaries and love for each child but the methods of raising them can differ.
Ds1 was more rebellious and it took me a long time my style was just ant agonising both of us. Ds2 is more charming and chilled.
Both have ended up with a good work ethic, loyal and reliable but we got there by taking different paths.

I’m interested that people say they parent their children the same way, I definitely could not do that. Each are individual and so need very different approaches especially child with ASD.

I’m not convinced you can parent each subsequent child exactly the same - not when you have experience to work from....

"I’m interested that people say they parent their children the same way, I definitely could not do that. Each are individual and so need very different approaches especially child with ASD"

This is very true.

Those saying they have parented differently for different personality children, I do t see your comments as suggesting parenting ISNT important. The fact you were able to see your children were different and adapt your style in order to try to achieve things you felt were important for your children, shows just HOW valuable parenting is.

Children vary and Some children might need a different kind of parenting as those with multiple children often point out. Those who don't really engage with parenting might say 'they are just wilful and I can't do anything about it - it's their personality' but those with one child like this (even if their others are different) thinks carefully about what kind of parenting will help that child and develops individualised strategies. This in itself is hard work as finding a different way for each child is harder than just applying the same way for each.

All credit to parents with very different children who recognise a different approach might be needed and can look back and see a different route was needed but helped achieve the behaviours or other things they felt were important.

I don’t think you should necessarily parent your children in exactly the same way, but the values will probably be the same.

I think when I've heard people say that they treat their kids the same way I think they are trying to make the point that they are not showing favouritism. I could be wrong but that's the impression I get.

It’s pure luck.

I have four, I’ve parented them all exactly the same. Two are quiet, shy, unassuming. The other two are quite literally polar opposite... It’s just their personalities.

My 10 yr old DD is extremely rule abiding, just filled with horror about ever breaking any rules. She is cautious and a worrier and as a result is extremely well behaved. I have taught her to be kind and polite but I am easy going and am not really like her at all in personality. She reminds me to do things I forget and tells me off for breaking minor ‘rules’. She is the sensible one out of the two of us to some extent. This is pure personality not upbringing. I have seen great parents have real terrors at their wits end. I don’t think you can put it down to bad parenting personally.

This is a topic I find hugely interesting as I work with families that need some support for many different reasons. Family dynamics are interesting and as research shows how things are played out in your childhood have an affect on you throughout your whole life.
I'm finding the ACE's research fascinating.

My DD is more on the spirited side. I don't think DH and I have quite found what works as she does still behave in a toddler-like way sometimes even though she has just turned 5. I don't want to try too many different things all at once though.
My friend's first child is naturally quiet, compliant and easy to manage. She's not one of these 'on the go' children. Second child is very different, and whilst not badly behaved is more energetic and requires a lot more active input.
So I think it must be a combo in most cases, but won't always be 50/50.

Really interesting thread OP. @bibblebrain - your GP called a 6 week old a tyrant??!! You seriously need to change doctors! Hope he didn’t have kids!

It's both. Anyone who thinks it is 100% parenting is deluded.

I think it's both too, but luck of the draw/genetics plays a massive part I think.

My DD just has a personality that doesn't like being told off and hence she is and has always been from a young age very well behaved. I was exactly the same at her age, so I think it really was genetics with her.

Never had another one to test the theory because odds on I would have got the other end of the genetic stick and had a terror!

I believe it is their personality. I've seen children very different in the same family. Some are naturally more challenging! Don't judge !

I think both. My DS is fairly chill,just turned 2 and throws a lot in frustration but isnt what I would call naughty. I am strict though and immediately pull him up on anything so another parent who was more lax may have a naughtier child.

DD10 is adopted & has been diagnosed with attachment disorder. We suspect she is on the spectrum, very high functioning if so. DH & I have totally changed our parenting style & try to follow the PACE style, although it is very tough sometimes. Putting aside the attachment/sensory issues & possible autism, DD is naturally extremely strong willed ( her foster carer told us she could see it in her from a tiny baby) and stubborn beyond anything I have ever experienced! She definitely needs firm boundaries, even if she rails against them with every ounce of her being. We hear hugely positive things about her behaviour outside the home so must be doing something right, although I tend to beat myself up quite often about how I handle certain situations. We are having family therapy which is brilliant & really helps. The therapist is at times brutally honest. She says you need to be superhuman to parent an adopted child!

Mainly luck (with some exceptions but all my friends I think are great parents and children vary loads). For us, both NT, one at that age is beautifully behaved and always has been. The other is older now, but was much harder work and still is (she is a total angel at pre school and now at school, she saves the bad behaviour for us!)

bunnylady53 my dd’s strongwill was apparent as a baby too - both of mine have had strong personalities from the get go and different things work for each.

Permissive parenting is not the same thing as gentle parenting, unless the latter is done really badly.

I would class us as fairly gentle parents, we rarely shout, have never punished/used time outs,smacked etc and have great kids. They're respected and listened to, and normally have the rules and boundaries explained to them. Sure, they've acted out at times but on the whole, they know the right thing to do and tend to do it.

However as I say, at 21 months #3 has all the makings of the 'spirited child' oft discussed on MN, so may need to try a different tack with him. 😂

It isn’t luck, it takes consistent fair parenting. It’s doing the parents of children who do respond to boundaries a disservice by saying its luck. I teach my daughter how to behave, she doesn’t guess right from wrong...

I think it’s a mix. Both mine are very head strong and stubborn, it’s draining. 😢 They can be so well behaved...when they want to! However, they can be a handful equally!! Especially when they are tired! My 3 yr old is crazy when he is tired, he does not listen at all. It drives me insane! My dd was not like that at age 3 at all. So, I’ll put that down to personality. They are so clever they know how to push my buttons. They are no wallflowers that is for sure, they don’t hold back. I could be my parenting, I had PND after my second so that could have had an effect on them?? 🤷‍♀️ My consistency could be better but i on my own A LOT of the time as my dh works away. So it gets tiring! And to top it off I’m a teacher so everyone expects my dc to be angels 😫 I can control a class of 24 better than my own 3 yr old 😂😂

Well parenting for the most part. I have children with additional needs and it hasn't always been easy. I know so really strong willed children too.

I think consistency is the key though.

Interesting thread. I was always a strict authoritarian parent who thought everything was down to the parenting but ds1 was v challenging, then ds2 was very "good". Turns out ds1 has ASD diagnosed only at 12yo. Over the last few years i have been to a squillion parenting courses (as pre diagnosis it was my "terrible parenting" that made him so "bad". I have completely reviewed my parenting since and now to the old me it looks incredibly lax, but behaviour in both kids is better and we all get on better too. I wish i'd not been such a "strict" parent before trying to "train" my child to be what he wasnt- if i could go back I would try to care a lot less about the judgement (like whats happening all over this thread) and listened to my kids more.

Mainly DNA luck!