Aibu to think is just luck or your parenting that makes your child behave ?

[havinganothertry]

I spent a day last weekend at a picnic with a big group of NCT friends and their partners/ husbands. All our kids are 3 ish now and some have littler ones too. All the kids played nicely ( around 20 kids) apart from two. These two have perfectly lovely parents, who did try to correct their behaviour to no avail. Is it a consistency or wording thing, as in maybe they don't correct them at home? These two children were shouty, grabby, rough and one kept taking other kids food or toys by snatching it away from them aggressively.

Now my DS is a bit of a wall flower these days, he's pretty shy. However he has not been prefect as around 1 yrs he went through a hitting phase. I had to follow him around all the time to stop him before he lashed out and tell him no instead of getting to chat with the other mums

So aibu to think these parents weren't parenting enough or was it just luck for the rest of us ? My DS doesn't get threats like no more tv if you do x at the moment, so I see 3 is a tricky age. However most of the kids would be in some sort of preschool so surely used to being around other and this bad behaviour from a few isn't allowed there ?

Billballbaggins

But that isn’t really what this is about. You have two very different children, and one is more naturally stubborn and wilful than the other. But you still manage his behaviour. That is still good parenting.

Now imagine you didn’t manage his behaviour. What would happen?

I would have said parenting pre DD2. Dd1 was the most perfect toddler. She very rarely cried, accepted no, the naughty stepped worked completely. She would hold my hand without issue. Dd2, on the other hand, is part feral. She is shouty, throws tantrums, refuses to hold hands etc. Ive parented them both the same, but dd2 is harder work. I know consistency will ensure she improves, but it is tough going.

Parenting. Every bad child I've observed are just mirroring their parents behaviour. You get out what you put in.

I have 4 utterly lovely teenagers. Is that all down to my superior parenting?! Of course not! They're mostly pretty compliant and are pretty introverted and not into drinking, parties etc. That's just their personalities.

Why would personality not play a part in behaviour of younger children? In fact mine weren't particularly well-behaved as young children and I was embarrassed by their behaviour sometimes. My lovely friend who had angelic toddlers is now dealing with her son being the local drug dealer who is flunking his way out of sixth form.

Those of you who say it is all down to your good parenting might want to wait a few years before congratulating yourselves

As Bobbin says twins are interesting. Born at the same time and raised the same but behaviour very different.

Both
I have two boys. The oldest is very calm, laid back and a rule follower. The youngest is very feisty and pushes boundaries all the time, at home and at school.My parenting style has been the same for both
The important thing though is to keep the boundaries in place no matter how hard they are pushing. My two are at the opposite ends of the personality spectrum and the eldest one was more testing than the other! ( I'm so glad I don't have to parent behaviour anymore!)

It could be both / either. It’s not something that’s entirely down to parenting.

I have 3 DC. Youngest DC is a bit younger than yours.

2 of my DC (including DC3) would, at that age, generally play nicely, pay attention to me if told to stop doing something etc.

The other DC was very very different. A lot more challenging. Shouty, grabby, rough, hyperactive, ‘spirited’ etc. That’s the DC of mine who was later diagnosed with ASD.
A possibility that didn’t cross our minds until DC was reaching school age and still hadn’t caught up to other kids in terms of emotional/social/behavioural development.

My son has autism. He was born with it. It's a neurological condition, nothing to do with parenting. It was obvious by the time he was 3.

Reallybadidea mine are adults - well one is just 6 months shy of adulthood. They are both really different and one has autism.

I am convinced parenting is critical to a child's behaviour. Having had my own severely dysfunctional upbringing and psychological therapy, I am even more convinced than I was when I started out with my two as babies.

My lovely friend who had angelic toddlers is now dealing with her son being the local drug dealer who is flunking his way out of sixth form.

Oh dear. Your poor friend! Sending her and - although shares in a vineyard might be a bit of a goer. . .

herculepoirot2

I see what you mean - without me trying to be a good parent he would probably be quite feral in all honesty
I meant it on like a basic level as in some children are naturally well behaved and even with the best parental input in the world they still aren’t the best behaved whereas others are very well behaved with even shit parenting. A combination of a more stubborn and boundary testing child plus a lazy parent makes for a nightmare.

I think it’s mainly parenting. But having said that no child is perfect all of the time at any age in every situation. As well as parenting, some children can be over tired, hungry, hangry, over stimulated. In my experience if children were doing something new going on a flight, to a wedding to the cinema etc. I would talk about what would happen give them attention and praise throughout the day and I always had snacks, sticker books, story books, small toys in a rucksack for distraction if they were getting bored/loosing interest. I think most parents have their fingers crossed their children will behave in most situations. We have all had a screaming child from time to time.

Nah, my kids are 'spirited' in the home and shy little things out of it. Odd creatures. As such, they have a reputation for being brilliantly behaved.

I have an awful feeling that bonus baby #3 is going to break that mould though, he has all the makings of a terror.

By a similar token, could it be that all the parents saying it is purely parenting have in fact just got really biddable children? 🤔😉

I’d love to know how many of the people saying parenting consider themselves to have well behaved kids - I bet that’s a 1:1 ratio. Mine are special and both easily stressed by social situations and look ‘naughty’. The second dc I didn’t take to cafes or restaurants until age 4 unless I had to as it used to end so badly.

Billballbaggins

Exactly. There are children with whom you need to make less effort, and children on whom you can have less impact, but it isn’t luck.

I am convinced parenting is critical to a child's behaviour

Yes of course. But you can be a great parent and still have badly behaved children.

I don't know! I have an immaculately behaved DD (now 10) and a DS (5) who sometimes struggles to behave. I do tell him no and correct him all the time.

My parenting techniques may have been a better fit for her. Or I think maybe the real fabulous behaviour kicked in around 6 and before that she had a few challenges too.

I do try really hard with DS so I would hate to think I was failing him parenting wise! That said he'd be good in the situations you describe, it's mainly not listening when something needs to happen right then, not wanting to go to bed and starting arguments with his sister .

I never believed before I had my children how much they are born with elements of their personalities. Some traits they exhibit as older teenagers I could see when they were only a few weeks old.

Of course parenting is essential, but one advice I was given a long time ago was to focus my parenting more on being a good role model myself and let them observe it than expecting them to act systematically on my demands.

I've told my kids that we are all born with traits and that we should embrace all of them, learn to manage the ones that could cause us issues and develop those that will take us forward, because in the end, it's all our traits that make us who we are, as kids and then adults.

Can be luck, at two mine was a biter. We got through to him in the end but it was bloody embarrassing to sign daily bite forms at nursery and the day I signed five was a real low.

He’s generally really well behaved and listens to us but his tantrums at almost four can be mercurial again we hold a firm line and stick to it which ironically causes tantrums as he knows he won’t get round us so becomes full of rage!

Parenting deffo. I have 'lovely' friends who kids are a nightmare, so badly behaved, because the parents do not discipline them properly, they're not consistent and don't do the tough stuff and carry through a threat. So they'll tell the kids to behave or they'll leave the restaurant, party whatever but NEVER actually follow through. They give up.

Its both. Some children are considerably easier to parent than others - but the harder ones still need parenting and may even require totally different techniques and it takes a while to work out what works.

Reallybadidea - completely disagree. I don't see how you can be a great parent, if your NT children behave really badly.

But those people who say they parented e.g both their kids in exactly the same way - why would you do that if they have different personalities? Surely you would have the same expectations of them but you would tailor consequences to each child as required?

I'm assuming if you had an only child you wouldn't try just one parenting approach and stick with it even if it didn't work for them, so why the exact same treatment of siblings if it doesn't work for that individual?

I think it's a bit of column a bit of column B.

I have a friend with two sons, both parented in exactly the same way, both good boys but the younger one definitely needs a firmer hand to guide him into not being naughty /dangerous /destructive. He gets that firmer hand though so is just as lovely as his older brother (though their mum says he'd be an only if he came first as he's harder work)