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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Living apart after marriage

116 replies

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 18/07/2019 13:30

I'm very happily engaged to a lovely, though complicated man. We've both been on our own for many years and live in different parts of the country. Theoretically both of us could move, but it would be difficult as our work tends to be around where we currently live. We see each other a lot and get on brilliantly and are very much in love.

We haven't yet planned a date for the wedding, it'll just be sometime in the future when his divorce is finalised and when we get around to it, but we've decided that even once we're married we will continue as we are - separate houses, different parts of the country and meeting up when we can. I was talking to some friends earlier and they think that it shows we're not in love as much as we think we are because if so we would live together etc. My feeling is that I couldn't live with him full time for a lot of reasons - he's been on his own a long time and set in his ways, he's also on the autistic spectrum and he needs a lot of time alone. I've also got my elderly father and my mother in law to look after and I also need time alone. Is that so strange? I was feeling really happy, but now doubting myself.

OP posts:
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 18/07/2019 13:32

You do whatever works for you op.

Bezalelle · 18/07/2019 13:48

I'm in a similar position. DP and I are getting married in January, but won't live together until at least June as he's still at university in a different city.

Whatever works for you.

MissingTheMissletoe · 18/07/2019 13:52

As someone who was in a long term relationship living in different homes and only meeting up when we could, it was hell. Not bad for the first 3-4 years but after that I just couldn’t cope with the distance between us mentally and the lack of feeling like we were in a real relationship. I missed the every day life that comes from living with a partner, I missed sharing a bed and having a cuddle on the sofa. I missed the intimacy and support and being able to come home after a shitty day and have the person I love there.

ChicCroissant · 18/07/2019 13:57

How much time would you be able to spend together OP, how often do you meet up at the moment?

He is not divorced yet, so you have time to think about this - I get a sense that you are having doubts now. Your caring responsibilities must be a concern for you as well - and your MIL is one of the people you look after?

BlueJag · 18/07/2019 14:11

Sounds like a great plan. I think you'll enjoy the best of each other and the freedom to continue living where you enjoy.
My husband and I live together but we don't share a bedroom so we can both sleep well. We get on brilliant and we've been together 30 years. It's your normal to live this way so continue doing so as it works great. Smile

Original poster
Leighhalfpennysthigh · 18/07/2019 14:45

We manage to meet up about once a week and often get to spend a few days together. Neither of us like sharing a bed, so that's not really something I miss! In fact we have got into the habit of the one visiting staying in a hotel so it's like a mini break and we really enjoy it.

My gut feeling is that if we had a conventional relationship we wouldn't go the distance. It's both of us wanting it this way, so neither of us are compromising. We just want to have a good time when we're together without all the other stuff getting in the way and we've both been married before so know how little domestic things can cause arguments. I loved my husband, but living with him and his mental health issues was difficult - and I feel too old and tired to end up being the crutch again (which sounds an awful thing to say but this man does have issues - not as bad as my husband, but still there).
I am happy with our decision - but talking to my friends have made me doubt myself.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 18/07/2019 14:52

It’s an interesting question. Obviously you do what works for you and that’s fine. Do you ever envisage living, at least closer together to support one another as you both grow older and may need that help?

I get that you don’t want to be his crutch and career but will her care for you? If not then is marriage even what you want?

Just questions that occur to me, not criticising your choices.

Waveysnail · 18/07/2019 14:55

Why do you want to get married?

MumGoneCrazy · 18/07/2019 14:57

Unless there was DC involved, I'd say go for it if you both feel the same, you can always have a talk in a few years to see if it's still working for you both. Every couple works differently, I personally couldn't do it, but what works for one may not work for another.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 18/07/2019 15:03

Why legally entangle finances with a man you don't see yourself living with any time soon? Are you wanting people to take your relationship seriously or something? I know this isn't an affair but the nature of your relationship is very much like one i.e exciting hotel stays, no arguments as to who takes the bins out etc. - you're kind of in an extended honeymoon period. Why not carry on as you are then get married when you share a house?

KnifeAngel · 18/07/2019 15:14

It all sounds odd to me. How can you marry someone you only see once a week.

Redglitter · 18/07/2019 15:17

Its certainly not conventional & wouldnt work for most people but if it suits you both then go for it. Other peoples thoughts are irrelevant

chuttypicks · 18/07/2019 15:24

Good question @Waveysnail . Why bother getting married @Leighhalfpennysthigh ? Seems absolutely pointless if you're going to continue living separately.

Original poster
Leighhalfpennysthigh · 18/07/2019 15:26

We both want to marry because we want to be married to each other. It's not for legal or financial issues - purely romantic. I want to be his wife and he wants to be my husband. We just don't want all the shit that comes with it.

OP posts:
smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 18/07/2019 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haworthia · 18/07/2019 15:33

Interesting!

I mean sure, whatever works for you, but if your reasons for living apart go deeper than jobs and logistics, and lean towards him being a difficult and “complicated” and difficult to live with, then I’d say you probably shouldn’t marry him.

Because it’s one thing to be married and having to negotiate living apart, but to live apart and get married and carry on living separate lives in separate parts of the country, seeing each other once a week... then that’s not really what I’d call a marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why you don’t want to live with him and that’s very sensible. But why not just carry on the way things are? You just want the freedom and casual-ness of a LDR, but also the romance of being husband and wife? I’d say it’s not worth it, just for the “romance” Grin

Nicolbolas · 18/07/2019 15:42

After DH and I married we lived in two separate houses for over a year (having previously lived together) and we both enjoyed it.

Being newly married and only seeing each other EOW wasn't too much of an issue for us, I quite enjoyed my own space midweek and we would have dates and be all loved up on the weekend.

I lived in a big city and he lived in the country, so change of scenery was nice. We did move back in together eventually, and I'm enjoying sharing a home now, but sometimes we reminisce about the time we lived apart Grin. Maybe that says something about my marriage haha

Pipandmum · 18/07/2019 15:47

I know a happily married couple who live in different countries! He comes over for a month in summer she goes over for a month in winter (the countries are very very far apart). They have two kids. Works for them, though the kids were pretty much brought up by her.

Strawberrypancakes · 18/07/2019 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

F2Feee · 18/07/2019 15:55

Seems so pointless to want to get married. Do you want to have children? What would you do then?

pallisers · 18/07/2019 15:57

I don't see the point of being married either tbh.

I feel too old and tired to end up being the crutch again (which sounds an awful thing to say but this man does have issues - not as bad as my husband, but still there).

You don't want the financial, legal or even emotional/support ties that come with marriage. You don't want to live together or even stay together when you meet up. You really don't want to join your lives in any way. why bother? Why not just tell people he is your husband and him tell people you are his wife?

I did live apart from dh for the first year of marriage. We met up every weekend. Didn't affect our marriage but we both hated it.

Ariela · 18/07/2019 16:04

My friend's father and his lady friend wanted to be married but both had such complicated financials to merge them would be a nightmare once they popped their clogs (in their 70s at the time). So they didn't marry as such but swapped rings and did all the slushy romantic married couples things. Rather sweet I thought.

Snoozeulose · 18/07/2019 16:05

Sounds like bliss to me! It’s the living together 24/7 bit of marriage that I find hard.

HundredMilesAnHour · 18/07/2019 16:05

I don't really understand your reasons for wanting to get married OP as it seems to be the day-to-day aspect of actual marriage and living together that neither of you want. I don't understand where the romance is when you only see each other once a week and neither of you like sharing a bed. Is it just so you can refer to each other as "my husband" or "my wife"? That's what it sounds like. Are you looking for some sort of external validation?

Why tie yourselves together legally and financially when you have no intentions of living together?

You sound happy at the moment and if your lifestyles work for you, I'd just continue as you are. Particularly given that you say that you don't think your relationship would survive a more conventional arrangement. That sort of sounds like you're just both being rather immature and want to play at being married rather than taking the commitment seriously.

ChicCroissant · 18/07/2019 16:06

After your updates OP, I can see where your friends are coming from with their concerns. It's not really a partnership if it requires a vacuum or particular circumstances to operate in - if it doesn't work in everyday life then it's not working full stop.

However I am an internet random and you are fully entitled to ignore any and all opinions on this thread Grin If you just want to have the title of wife, this will work. If you want any support or backup, then you need to think again. I suspect you want the full package of title and support really.