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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Living apart after marriage

116 replies

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 18/07/2019 13:30

I'm very happily engaged to a lovely, though complicated man. We've both been on our own for many years and live in different parts of the country. Theoretically both of us could move, but it would be difficult as our work tends to be around where we currently live. We see each other a lot and get on brilliantly and are very much in love.

We haven't yet planned a date for the wedding, it'll just be sometime in the future when his divorce is finalised and when we get around to it, but we've decided that even once we're married we will continue as we are - separate houses, different parts of the country and meeting up when we can. I was talking to some friends earlier and they think that it shows we're not in love as much as we think we are because if so we would live together etc. My feeling is that I couldn't live with him full time for a lot of reasons - he's been on his own a long time and set in his ways, he's also on the autistic spectrum and he needs a lot of time alone. I've also got my elderly father and my mother in law to look after and I also need time alone. Is that so strange? I was feeling really happy, but now doubting myself.

OP posts:

HundredMilesAnHour · 18/07/2019 16:08

I know a happily married couple who live in different countries!

So do I but he shags around and sleeps with prostitutes. No idea if his wife knows and is fine with it or not. Not really a question to ask them over dinner! He lives the life of a single man apart from when he goes to visit his wife for a few weeks. His wife stays in the 'official marital home' which is a 11-12 hour flight from where he lives.

MRex · 18/07/2019 16:31

Maybe just swap rings in a little party? You aren't going to do anything marriage-like so I can't see the romance? Just stay as you are. Or is one of you hoping to inherit from the other?

Barbie222 · 18/07/2019 16:39

I would prefer to have a separate life so no, I wouldn't marry as the thought of having to join all assets and split them in the case of divorce, when you have two of everything, would give me a headache. I'd be happy with the status quo which is easy to walk away from. We all tend to think the status quo is great until much better situations come along and in your place I think it wouldn't be long before day life and friendships were making him a bit of an afterthought. You might struggle to untangle yourself.

hadthesnip2 · 18/07/2019 16:53

How old are you both OP....?? Do you have a good sex life...?? Just saying as there have been a couple of threads recently where a couple gave been in a relationship but not living together & the OP's have not been happy with their partner jumping out of bed & going home afterwards. How does it work with you...?? You said that you dont like sleeping in the same bed but are you physical together or is it more of a friendship. ??

swingofthings · 18/07/2019 17:03

Getting married is romantic thing to do be s'use it's fun and nice to be called Mrs. However you see, it is a legally binded contract that has many consequences.

There is nothing wrong with you set up, but clearly you admit that you could live together. You are seeing your relationship and pote tial marriage with tinted lenses. Have you thought of circumstances like one of you suffering a stroke and needing full time care? Would you tell each other to get lost despite being married?

Marriage is a significant commitment. If you can't even commit to spending more than a day a week together staying in different places, how can you possibly consider committing to the more demanding side of marriage?

Seeingadistance · 18/07/2019 17:10

Marriage does not have mean the linking of property and finances.

Actually, the financial and inheritance aspects of marriage are fundamental to it. Marriage really has nothing to do with love and romance - these are very much much possible outwith marriage.

OP, like others, I don't see any benefit to you in being married.

Original poster

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 18/07/2019 17:17

There won't be any children as I'm infertile, so that's not a concern. I kept my own name after my first marriage and so was never Mrs anyway!

Thanks for the replies. It has made me understand my friends' point of view a bit and made me think. I can't really explain why I want to marry him - more emotional security and companionship I guess. It feels different to how I felt when I married my first husband, but no less valid. We want to spend the rest of our lives together, even if that isn't day in and day out. I can't imagine a life without him in it and I want the bond and the emotional security that comes from marriage. I had a very good marriage for many years, but we had a lot of problems (his mental health, our infertility, a serious sexual assault on me). I like the uncomplicated relationship I have now. He brings such love and joy into my life and gives me confidence and makes me feel wonderful. We just don't want to live together.

Our sex life is fine, thanks to whoever asked. It took us a while to get around to doing it because I'd only ever slept with my husband before this one and was raped so it was difficult for me. It took us nearly a year to have sex and he was patient and loving with me while he waited. So we've had plenty of time to work on the friendship side.

Have chatted to my mother in law and my father about this and they think that it will work if we want it to.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/07/2019 17:17

Gosh there are some defensive posters on this thread. OP and her fiancee not living together after marriage doesn't invalidate or water down your own amalgamations you know?

I get it, Leighhalf, you want to be married to him, he wants to be married to you. That's all that's needed really and there are plenty of couples (possibly on the thread now or later) who are married/shackled and shouldn't be.

Never mind what other people think or benchmark what you do against what they do; that's the key to happiness.

Original poster

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 18/07/2019 17:18

Never mind what other people think or benchmark what you do against what they do; that's the key to happiness

Thanks. This is kind of what my father said. Before admitting that he wished living apart had been an option when he married my mother.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/07/2019 17:23

I expect that you and your fiance are not idiots, Leighhalf, so you'll have discussed what would happen in the event of x and y, ill health and so forth. Some posters are prim and smug about this but there's no call to be because plenty of married-and-living-together people find the rug pulled out from under them when their spouse leaves them, or is generally useless.

Only you and your fiance know if this is right for you. If you both think it is then... it is. Best wishes to you both. :)

Seeingadistance · 18/07/2019 17:23

If neither of you already have children then it's much more straightforward as no one to be disadvantaged by your marriage.

Go for it if it works for you!

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 18/07/2019 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyshark2018 · 18/07/2019 17:28

Have you discussed what will happen in your old age when neither of you are able or want to travel? Or what if one of you becomes ill. Living apart in the short term or for periods of time spread out through the marriage for reasons like work/ hobbies/ other responsibilities would probably be ok but I just don't foresee how you can do the whole 'til death do us part' bit. If neither of you are willing to compromise now, what will happen when you're both 75, retired, lonely and even more set in your ways? Is one of you more keen on this arrangement than the other?

swingofthings · 18/07/2019 17:33

more emotional security and companionship I guess
And that's the biggest desillusion of marriage. You don't get more emotional security and companionship with marriage, you get through commitment.

If you want a real test of it, wait until something goes wrong, when you are not all happy with each other and then see how much you still want to.e together. If you still do despite what you might lose, then that's total commitment, if one suddenly can't cope with the other not being the perfect companion any longer, then marriage won't change the sense of detachment.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/07/2019 17:33

Mummyshark, living in the same house doesn't guarantee you any of those things. 'Death do us part' is merely a figure of speech unless it's a vow that both take seriously - and so many couples say those words but do not make a successful marriage.

It sounds like you want to pour cold water on OP's proposed arrangements because you don't understand them/couldn't picture them for yourself.

Vibiano · 18/07/2019 17:42

OP, it sounds fantastic. Wonder if I could talk my DH into it.
If it makes you both happy then go for it and don't worry about what other people think.
You sound genuinely happy and I'm glad for you
Lots of projecting here.

Seeingadistance · 18/07/2019 17:48

Actually no marriage really does not have to mean the joining of property and finances.

I don't know about the rest of the UK, but in Scotland it is not possible to disinherit a spouse. So marriage does very much mean the joining of property and finances - assets in terms of inheritance.

Seeingadistance · 18/07/2019 17:52

Just to be clear - if there are no children to be affected by the OP and her DP marrying, then I don't see any disadvantage to their being married.

I am divorced, with a child, and so marriage would complicate things for me in terms of inheritance. For that reason, marriage would not be for me.

Original poster

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 18/07/2019 17:55

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe thank you. You get what I'm wanting. It does feel like some people on this thread only think that there's one model for marriage and I used to think the same. But that didn't last for me. My first husband and I talked about the future at length and what we'd do when we got old and you know what? All our plans were irrelevant. It is because we've both had the experiences we've had that we want to do it this way. Neither of us are naive and we have both had long marriages - don't think some people on here appreciate that we're not just two innocent 20 year olds in our first relationship.

It was a surprise to me that my friends didn't support me and that's why I came on here. We're both 100% sure that this is what we want and how we want our relationship to be and know it will work for us. Just odd that other people can't see that really.

OP posts:

Haworthia · 18/07/2019 19:17

Some posters appear to believe unless you want to live in a 'heaven' of joining everything your marriage is not valid. It shows their social conformity more than anything.

But surely marriage is one of the most conformist things you can do as an adult? If you want to be a non-conformist then don’t get married.

thetimekeeper · 18/07/2019 19:18

Just odd that other people can't see that really.

I think some people feel that when you do something differently it threatens or devalues their own choices, and they react as if you are somehow passing judgement on them rather than simply making choices that are right for you and your life. Then there are those who are jealous you're breaking conformity in a way that they would have wanted but didn't feel able to access. To some extent I think that is what you're seeing play out.

What you're hoping for obviously isn't common, but it's also not the first time I've heard of people doing it. My hesitation wouldn't actually be the living apart aspect, but whether the particular distance apart in your circumstances might become too exhausting over time?

Otherwise, if you're happy and it's manageable, I don't really see the issue.

thetimekeeper · 18/07/2019 19:20

If you want to be a non-conformist then don’t get married.

FuzzyPuffling · 18/07/2019 19:21

DH and I lived separately for three years after we got married because of his disabled son. We saw each other a lot, but he didn't officially move in with me for a long time.

You do whatever suits you. I think it is absolutely fine.

HotChocolateLover · 18/07/2019 19:28

Our friends have been married 3 years and live apart. We think it’s odd, sorry OP. Probably not want you want to hear but just being honest.

fuckingtwats · 18/07/2019 19:45

It sounds like the perfect set up for both of you. Who gives a shit what others think!

If it works for you both then great. There's so many people who couldn't afford separate houses who would probably love to be able to do this.

Go for it, don't try to conform to the "norm" it's a silly way to live.

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