Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Living apart after marriage

116 replies

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 18/07/2019 13:30

I'm very happily engaged to a lovely, though complicated man. We've both been on our own for many years and live in different parts of the country. Theoretically both of us could move, but it would be difficult as our work tends to be around where we currently live. We see each other a lot and get on brilliantly and are very much in love.

We haven't yet planned a date for the wedding, it'll just be sometime in the future when his divorce is finalised and when we get around to it, but we've decided that even once we're married we will continue as we are - separate houses, different parts of the country and meeting up when we can. I was talking to some friends earlier and they think that it shows we're not in love as much as we think we are because if so we would live together etc. My feeling is that I couldn't live with him full time for a lot of reasons - he's been on his own a long time and set in his ways, he's also on the autistic spectrum and he needs a lot of time alone. I've also got my elderly father and my mother in law to look after and I also need time alone. Is that so strange? I was feeling really happy, but now doubting myself.

OP posts:

pallisers · 19/07/2019 00:07

I mentioned that some of the co,,ents were patronising because the posters seem to be treating us like silly little children who don't know what they want.

I didn't read any posts treating you like silly little children. And I wonder that you did.

But you should do exactly what you want. Don't even know why you care what your friends or us randomers think when you are so clearly commited to getting married. Go for it. Why look for your friend's approbation or ours. I told one friend that dh and I were not going to live together after marriage and he said "but that will never work" . I didn't care what he said (why would I?) and it did work. Honestly, why do you care what your friends think?

TuesdaySunshine · 19/07/2019 00:47

I think your plan sounds absolutely right for you and you should go for it, never mind what anyone else thinks. I also think your reason for wanting to be married is just about the most pure and perfect reason of them all. In general, I don't really understand the attraction of marriage, still less weddings, but in your case I'll make an exception!

I also think you have great taste in men, @Leighhalfpennysthigh, as Leigh Halfpenny is gorgeous, though imo his eyes are his best feature, not his thighs.

Bookworm4 · 19/07/2019 01:06

We know how we want to spend the rest of our lives and it is as man and wife
I don’t think any of this sounds romantic or like husband and wife.
You don’t like sharing a bed - one stays in a hotel 🙄
Theres very little sharing of anything, you sound more like casual friends.
MN is weird, if this was framed differently ‘I want commitment but he wants to live apart’ there would be a volley of LTB, but word it a bit flowery and it’s ‘oh how fab’

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 19/07/2019 01:50

Sharing a bed is not a must for married couples at all - despite the thoughts of some PPs.
Me and DH rarely share a bed, we both sleep better alone but have a great marriage. PIL also have their own rooms and have been married 30+ years!

OP if you are both happy with the arrangement then go for it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/07/2019 07:52

Bookworm, how about the fact that this is what BOTH parties want? That could be why there's no 'LTB trope'. I see marriages around me and read about them on here and they make me shudder. I'd rather throw myself in a shredder than be party to those.

pallisers OP does want to be married, that's the point - and her fiance wants to be married too. That is the basis of it, just that. They want to enter into the legal contract of marriage. What was confusing about that?

As for the comments about why seek approbation on here from randoms then why does anybody bother to post anything? We don't need people to make decisions for us but still, we ask "Am I pregnant?", or "Is he cheating?" and the replies come in. Perhaps a better question for you to ask yourself might be, "Do I need to respond if I don't want to?" and then just, don't...

What does it matter if we don't have the same set-up? Why should the OP and her fiance not be married?

Some people really don't read or comprehend other people well at all. It doesn't stop the judgements though and the sneering isn't as well-cloaked as some of you think it is. It's pitiable.

Original poster

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 19/07/2019 08:31

Thanks to those who understand and it's nice to hear that this arrangement can work out. Of course I have questioned myself, so has he. I think it's only natural to do that as marriage is a big commitment and people need to be sure it's the right decision. I remember questioning myself before my first marriage as I was only 20 and still at university and so was he - but it was the right thing to do.

My username is part of a joke that my colleague made and which we keep taking the piss out of her about. It's probably massively outing but then I don't really post anything my friends don't already know about anyway. But yes, he is gorgeous and my partner bears no resemblance to him at all! In fact, unlike most of the men and women in my life, he's not involved or even interested in sport and is an actor by profession!

OP posts:

Original poster

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 19/07/2019 08:33

Oh and if I saw a thread where a woman, or a man, was saying that they wanted to live with their partner but she/he didn't want to live with them, then I'd definitely advise LTB because it's not a joint decision.

OP posts:

TuesdaySunshine · 19/07/2019 08:54

if this was framed differently ‘I want commitment but he wants to live apart’ there would be a volley of LTB, but word it a bit flowery and it’s ‘oh how fab’

That wouldn't be framing it differently, that would be a completely different situation.

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 19/07/2019 08:57

If it makes you happy then go for it! Some people have very (boring) fixed ideas about what marriage should mean but it's what you make it. I think being married and having your own houses sounds great!

PooWillyBumBum · 19/07/2019 09:03

I would advise you walk through all the possibilities before you marry if you haven’t already.

I.e. what if one of you gets ill you can’t travel? What if one of your parents gets so ill you can’t travel? What if finances change and one of you is struggling to maintain a house/do the hotel thing? What if one gets so busy you only “meet up” once a fortnight/month...would that bother either of you?

I’m sure there are more. There’s lots to work out before “normal” marriage too but you just might want to think about how this arrangement may shift in the future and what your response as a married couple will be.

I say this knowing two married couples who have lived apart. One ended in divorce when the wife decided she wanted to move in. The other is still going but he shags around behind her back. I’m not saying these outcomes are the norm but it’s certainly not a well trodden path so I would have a good long talk about what this will really mean and what you expect from the marriage both now and when circumstances change. Good luck (and congratulations)

Bobbyflay · 19/07/2019 09:11

There are so many people on MN who are in marriages, that appear to be quite pathetic, passive aggressive, not speaking, sulking, cheating etc.

A marriage without these things but a committed and respectful couple living in separate houses seems much better than that.

purplelass · 19/07/2019 09:17

I'd say just ignore everyone else and do what works for you!

I live apart from DP and it works fine for us. We've been seeing each other for over 3 years and have no current plans to get married or live together and some of my friends do think it's weird and that I 'deserve more' but having been married to someone I thought was my soul mate and turned out to be a lying cheating selfish twat, I know that marriage means what you want it to mean.

So if you both want to get married, go for it! I think the doubters are just jealous that they have to put up with all the bad sides of living with a man where we just get to enjoy the good bits and still have our own independent lives!

1300cakes · 19/07/2019 10:41

Go ahead OP, different things work for different people.

I can understand where your friend is coming from. I'm sure they aren't judging but just wanting the best for you, as any friend wants when someone is getting married.

Personally I have tried a live apart LTR and didn't like it. I found that for me the domestic part of marriage is the best bit. Living apart you have the hassle of doing everything yourself, as well as talking on the phone and/or texting all the time (argh), with none of the company and comfort of another human actually being there. It's also disruptive because while you are away at their house, your life stops. Can't see friends, do work unless you bring it with you (a hassle), your pets go hungry and your household chores aren't done.

Also it is often said that living apart means eternal romance, but it doesn't. In my experience you still grow bored of each other at about the same rate. And you don't even have those day to day experiences together to draw on so you have nothing at all to talk about.

But that's just my experience and everyone is different.

Loudlady34 · 19/07/2019 14:46

I don't think you need to change anything at all as long as it works for you and your both happy. But I don't really see why you need to get married? I think you'd be far better off keeping finances, property etc seperate. It doesn't mean you love each other less

H2OH20Everywhere · 19/07/2019 15:15

I'm in a 'complicated' relationship with someone on the spectrum. If it were any more normal I'm pretty sure we would have split up many years ago. As it is we couldn't be stronger together.

If it works for you then go for it.

harriethoyle · 19/07/2019 15:40

Go for it OP - my partner and I are deeply in love and planning to marry within the year but won't live together for at least another 3 or 4 until his children don't need him to be local to them. Works far better for us than either of our first marriages did despite being a LDR. All best wishes going forward.

shieldmaidenofrohan · 19/07/2019 15:58

I think it would be worth finding out the ramifications for things like carers allowance, selling homes to fund old age care and those sort of things if you do get married but chose to continue your arrangements as they are. You might find some unpleasant and unforeseen consequences, forewarned is fore armed after all

clairedelalune · 19/07/2019 21:00

If i were ever to get into another relationship it would be conducted in 2 separate houses. I wouldn't get married, but do understand why you want to. If it were me, i would be more likely to consider a blessing, but that's me. I think however that 2 separate dwellings is fine and as a few pps have said, there are a lot of unhappy people here in traditional set ups. Go for it!

Original poster

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 20/07/2019 20:55

@H2OH20Everywhere yes, I think, for me it is the Aspergers that really complicates it. We have had several meltdowns in the last year over various things as well as his fear of change. Being married to me will be a massive change to his life and we need to prepare for it. We need to prepare for all changes. It's all fine, but I think living together will be a step too far for both of us.

However, ive asked myself many times whether things would be different if he was different and, being honest with myself, it makes no difference to me. I love him and want him in my life - but ,y life is more than him and I want to keep it the way it is with him as the bit more, rather than him as the whole. I'm probably talking bollocks, but I know what I mean.

OP posts:

Tails5290 · 20/07/2019 20:59

So what's best for the both of you if it works then carry on as it is. My husband moved in full time when we got married and I hated it we actually separated for a small time, we are in a good lace now because we don't live together. It works for us

Mummyshark2019 · 20/07/2019 21:07

There's no right or wrong answer. If this solution makes you both happy then that's just fine. Go for it and don't listen to anyone. You know what's best for your relationship. X

FilthyforFirth · 20/07/2019 21:14

I dont see the need to get married at all in your scenario and find it quite odd, sorry. Why dont you just continue as you are?

LatentPhase · 20/07/2019 21:21

I wonder about what would happen years down the line with means testing, should one of you need to go into a home?

Original poster

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 20/07/2019 22:19

To all the people concerned about our old age, I can assure you we've both made arrangements 😂.

We want to marry. That's the bottom line. Sorry if that see,s weird to some people.

OP posts:

Original poster

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 20/07/2019 22:20

It is good to hear of others who have made the decision that we have and formit to have worked well.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5