Living apart after marriage

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

I'm very happily engaged to a lovely, though complicated man. We've both been on our own for many years and live in different parts of the country. Theoretically both of us could move, but it would be difficult as our work tends to be around where we currently live. We see each other a lot and get on brilliantly and are very much in love.

We haven't yet planned a date for the wedding, it'll just be sometime in the future when his divorce is finalised and when we get around to it, but we've decided that even once we're married we will continue as we are - separate houses, different parts of the country and meeting up when we can. I was talking to some friends earlier and they think that it shows we're not in love as much as we think we are because if so we would live together etc. My feeling is that I couldn't live with him full time for a lot of reasons - he's been on his own a long time and set in his ways, he's also on the autistic spectrum and he needs a lot of time alone. I've also got my elderly father and my mother in law to look after and I also need time alone. Is that so strange? I was feeling really happy, but now doubting myself.

ME!!! My dp and I are getting married in Feb next year, we will continue to live apart. In 4 years time (once my dc are at uni) my plan is to move nearer to him but I will still be buying my own place. if we decide to move in together then we can but if not we won't. There is no pressure.

I adore him but I'm not sure I ever want to live with anybody & he is the same. We are getting married as, for us its our commitment to each other. Soooo many people are utterly horrified when I tell them but to be honest I don't give a shit it 100% works for us. We have the best of each other, dates, holidays, weekends together. I love it!

Btw who cares if people think it's "odd"? I've tried conventional marriage, married for 16 years. Not again thanks I love my own space .

Do you really have to get married? It sounds like it’s all working well for you as it is why not carry on as you are?

YANBU Op at all.

My dh is in the forces so we so live apart and together and apart again. It works because we are both introverts who work in quite extroverted environments. My dad is the same as me, my mum is not. Retirement is not a happy place for them. Being able to give each other the space we each need is an amazing quality that works well for us.

If you want to get married, get married. Your set up works for you. That is what is important.

If it works for you, then fuck everyone else! I would marry my DP in a heartbeat (things a bit complex atm but I think (hope!) We are headed that way). But with 5DC between us we'd probably continue to live separately. Plus I love that there is verry little domestic drudge to kill the romance (mainly because I go to his and leave him with it all 😁). We love getting together but we love our own space too so for us, I think it would be the perfect solution. If something more unconventional works, then let it be!

nooschmoo, did you real have to get married? I mean, one can have kids and not marry, just get to a solicitor and stitch it all up legally? Why marry only to risk divorce like so many? Doesn't really make sense, does it?

This isn't really aimed at you but I really don't like the judgemental tone of posters who think that their way is the only way. All it's demonstrating is fear and distrust just because you wouldn't do it. Who cares?

I think many marriages are odd and out of step, some couples are so awkward together and don't look comfortable with each other... but they're marrrrriiiieeeedddd. It's a bit pathetic but, each to their own.

Don't criticise other people's choices and they won't criticise or pity you for yours.

Actually, my post is geared to MRex who is so unable to see beyond the end of their nose that, having read that OP wants to get married under these circumstances, feels so very threatened that he/she has to slap OP down by patronisingly suggesting 'swapping rings with a little party as there's nothing marriage-like'. Urgh.

I think it sounds fantastically sensible OP and you shouldn't give one shiny shit about what others think - not their relationship, none of their business. Also very astute/emotionally intelligent of you wrt your dp's ASD - doesn't Chris Packham live alone but sees his partner on a similar basis? You do you - who cares whether it's different to how others would be. My partner and I are about to be in two different countries for crying out loud (not by choice but it doesn't make us any less married not atm anyway). It didn't work out for them long term but I always thought that Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton had it right...two big houses next door to each other with an internal connecting door between them so they could come together whenever they chose then go back to their own place.

Who cares about other people. Do what’s right for you. It would be terrible to force living together because it’s conventional when it would be uncomfortable for you both. Good luck,

N of course I don't have to get married. I want to. He wants to. And we want our life to be the way we want it. I started this thread genuinely wondering whether we were wrong in our choice, but I think that after reading some of the smug, small minded and down right patronising posts on here I'm inclined to think fuck it. Neither of us are particularly unconventional so we're not doing this to be non conformist or trendy or whatever. It's just the best thing for us and our relationship.

I don't mind other people having an opinion, after all I posted on AIBU - but it is interesting how much judgement there is

I think it sounds great, although I do wonder whether the physical distance (travelling etc) might grow wearing with time, especially when caring responsibilities/age/illnesses etc come into play. Could you move closer to each other but still keep separate houses?

I’ve lived alone (barring one shortish relationship) now for eight years. Before that, my ex-husband worked away so I was on my own a lot anyway. Have to say I love the peace and freedom and I also hate sharing a bed! I think I’d struggle to give that up completely, but I would like the companionship and emotional security of a long term relationship again (can’t exactly say that’s what marriage brought me ).

If you’re both happy, there’s no kids to consider, and you’re ready for the downsides of the arrangement (there’s downsides to EVERY situation, let’s face it) then why not? People might be sniffy, but I’ll bet that you and your partner are still happily (not) together in five years...some of your “normal” married friends may not be!

Go for it! Love comes in many shapes and forms and every type is precious . As far as I can see your living/marital status is not affecting anyone else ( children etc) so why others feel the need to judge your decision is beyond me

It does seem a bit weird to get married if you are going to living separate lives and always intend to but if that is what you want to do, there is no reason not to.

Whatever makes you both happy. Don't worry about anyone else

He’s still married so don’t count your chickens before they hatch!

This would be my dream relationship. Congratulations.
What joy to have your own House and bed aaahhhhh

OP, I recognise you from other boards - and I hope you don’t mind me saying it but after such sadness, If you have found some one who makes you happy, and wants the same things as you do, then grab hold of your happiness and go for it! I find it so strange that your friends aren’t more supportive (especially as it really has nothing to do with them anyway) and as for some of the patronising replies of PP’s - I don’t even have the words. I hope you and your partner have a wonderful future doing things your way 💐🍾

Why not just continue as you are instead of getting married ?

Just you said it’s not did legal reasons or anything. Just romance

Honestly nothing sounds romantic to me about your ‘relationship’

Just my opinion x

Just goes to show how subjective it is.

Your set up sounds more romantic to me than the usual dreary arrangements people feel they have to make. Good on you op!

I bet your marriage lasts longer too.

but I think that after reading some of the smug, small minded and down right patronising posts on here I'm inclined to think fuck it.

I must have read a different thread because I haven't read any of these. Just people giving you the reasons not to marry - which you asked for. Getting married because random people on the internet were patronising to you must be the most original reason I've seen for getting married.

Do what you want. Tbh no one will care - including your friends. It is just that for many of us you seem to want to be "getting married" without wanting to actually be married. It is a legal contract - you'll have to go to some lengths to make sure your finances etc don't join. If your dh gets sick or incapacitated, you will be regarded as next of kin and will be, at least initially, expected to make decisions and assume care for him. But really it is no skin off anyone's nose what you do. I lived apart from dh for the first year of marriage and no one cared.

than the usual dreary arrangements people feel they have to make.

what on earth are the usual dreary arrangements people feel they have to make? Living together? - sorry but most people can't afford to maintain two households - the op is lucky in that - and most people don't think it that dreary to live with a spouse.

I'm planning on doing the same. I will move closer to him though. Next door would be ideal. I just can't stand the thought of someone being around 24 hours a day.

My first thought reading this was 'why get married?' but I think the real question is 'why not get married?'

You're in a happy relationship, you have a dynamic that works for you, you're not upsetting anyone, you're in love- having a conventional set up is certainly no guarantee of happiness. Yours ain't broke, so don't fix it!

Congratulations OP, when you do set a date- have a wonderful day!

I mentioned that some of the co,,ents were patronising because the posters seem to be treating us like silly little children who don't know what they want. We have both been married before. I was widowed after 15 years and he has been separated for 11 following a 20 year marriage. We know how we want to spend the rest of our lives and it is as man and wife, but keeping our current lifestyle. Having to defend myself has made me realise that we are right to do what we want.

Thank you to the people being kind. I never expected to find such happiness again and I'm truely lucky that I have.

Go for it. Have seen some of your previous posts and you have had a crap time. I live apart from my partner of 13 years. Works for us.