Living apart after marriage

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

I'm very happily engaged to a lovely, though complicated man. We've both been on our own for many years and live in different parts of the country. Theoretically both of us could move, but it would be difficult as our work tends to be around where we currently live. We see each other a lot and get on brilliantly and are very much in love.

We haven't yet planned a date for the wedding, it'll just be sometime in the future when his divorce is finalised and when we get around to it, but we've decided that even once we're married we will continue as we are - separate houses, different parts of the country and meeting up when we can. I was talking to some friends earlier and they think that it shows we're not in love as much as we think we are because if so we would live together etc. My feeling is that I couldn't live with him full time for a lot of reasons - he's been on his own a long time and set in his ways, he's also on the autistic spectrum and he needs a lot of time alone. I've also got my elderly father and my mother in law to look after and I also need time alone. Is that so strange? I was feeling really happy, but now doubting myself.

It's interesting now you've mentioned meltdowns rather than just "complicated". That's a lot to put up with, given your boyfriend's issues it makes sense to keep your time together light. You say that you want to get married just to "be married" with no idea of the legal nor financial implications of your decision and without actually gaining companionship in any significant way. So you still haven't said anything to explain what benefit you get from getting married rather than continuing as you are. You'll do what you like, while others will think it's somewhere between pointless and financially reckless. I'm not sure why you're being defensive when you asked for opinions OP, this isn't the "Agree With Me" section.

It sounds as though either of you aren't concerned about inheritance from the other. Which cancels out any issues around needing care. A property cannot be taken if a spouse lives in it, to pay for care.

I have known people in your situation and it is easily sorted out. Paying for social care is laid down in law, the Local Authority will try it on, but they have to follow the law and MPs are really good at making sure that happens.

Life throws curveballs, i was Widowed in my 30's. You can overthink "what ifs".

It might be because i was brought up with a Navy background, but i don't see not living together as strange.

I'm in my 50's and would never live with anyone again.

A lot of couples stop sharing a bed, uf they are able to, when they get older. It used to start when a Woman hit Menopause and was had the temperature of a furnace.

We all have to decide what's right for us. As rightly pointed out, who'd want most of the marriages written about on here. Or the one's i see around me. The trade off for a better house, car and holidays, for me wouldn't be worth living with what a lot of Women are.

OP, you do you and your marriage, leave others to theres.

You say that you want to get married just to "be married" with no idea of the legal nor financial implications of your decision

She didn't say that at all, MRex. She said their decision to get married wasn't for legal and financial reasons. She also said they've thought their decision through thoroughly and made preparations for the eventualities of old age.

It's no wonder she's feeling defensive.

She asked for opinions, so she's getting opinions and things to think about. Not much point in asking a question if she won't consider the answers.

She hasn't said anything at all regarding inheritance, plans for illness, impact if one gets dementia, impact on finances if one loses their money etc. Apparently she's crying with laughter that they have plans in place - did you really take that to mean she has thought this all through because it looked flippant to be?

*me not be

I remember your other posts. So pleased for you that you have found happiness again. As for the marriage: you do what works for you. I wish you the best.

Not much point in asking a question if she won't consider the answers.

I think she's probably thinking the same thing about others.

Apparently she's crying with laughter that they have plans in place

I'm nit crying with laughter at all. I am nearly 50 and was widowed before I was 40. Believe me my old age and death is something I've thought about - especially during the long nights alone following my husband's death. My partner has also made arrangements. Though neither of us have got as far as booking our place in a care home of our choice - but maybe that's because we dont have the insight of knowing how we're going to end up. That would be true of any couple, unless living together means you have a magical power that predicts the future and if so, it's defective in me anyway as I would not have imagined how my previous marriage ended.

Yes, I'm feeling defensive and yes, I know this is AIBU. I think the reason why I'm feeling defensive is the attitude of some posters that I'm a silly girl who doesn't know what she's doing. That was the attitude of my friends as well so yeah, it pisses me off. And no, it won't change my mind. Doesn't mean I'm nit interested in other people's opinions of this arrangement because it's interesting to read how some people think.

We are both financially comfortable and I don't need to inherit from him and he doesn't from me. We have about equal assets, though I think I've got marginally more.

I don't believe anybody has called you a "silly girl", people have been asking you what the benefit is when compared with your current unmarried position. The only thing you've come up with is "romance", which to some of us doesn't seem like much reason to take on the financial risks with your future for someone who is "complicated" with all the drama that causes and when you aren't hoping for an inheritance tax benefit. Being a widow has nothing to do with this situation, that was a different relationship. As he's still married to someone else it doesn't matter much to daydream about it, but don't be annoyed that your friends want you to be careful, they just want to make sure you're ok.

Wow mrex how lucky am I to have you look out for me. Anyone would think I'm nit capable of handling my own life.

You look after your ex MIL?

I agree with your friends. I wouldn't bother getting married in that situation.

There's no need to get snippy, if you don't want opinions on your situation then don't start a thread asking for them. Are you being this confrontational with your friends too?

Yes I do. She has stage four cancer. Stable at the moment thank god, but will kill her in the end. Hopefully she has a few more years left in her. She knows my partner well, as does my father, and is entirely supportive of my choices. They are just happy that I'm happy. Same as the rest of the people I'm close to in my life - just those couple of friends who are small minded. If I was feeling cynical I'd say they like me on my own and at their beck and call for babysitting duties or whatever. They are also very traditional people and have been judgemental about a lot of my decisions, but we've known each other since university.

Just do it, if it'll make you both happy. It's not anyone else's marriage and it doesn't matter if they approve. If you are sure that you will be content living apart and you are sure they you want to be married; get married. It might be unconventional, but unless you're looking for validation from other people, that doesn't matter.

Make sure you've considered things like any effects on finance/benefits/existing wills, and you both know where you stand, and marry how you want to.

Thank,you @AnchorDownDeepBreath. I think I care too much about what people think whe I should just think fuck them.

I think living apart can work well for some couples but tbh in the circumstances you describe I'm not sure how beneficial it is for you. How long have you been together? Sorry if I missed that.