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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU stepsons lunches

115 replies

Scorpiovenus · 17/07/2019 16:53

My step son came over again this sunday with just a jam sandwich to last all day, and it really was a poor jam sandwich. Also it was semi cold sunday and she sent him with shorts and t shirt nothing else so we couldn't take him outside as he was getting to cold. Hes 7 btw. I had to lend him some shorts of mine that were about 6 sizes too big lol. Did look funny but why does she send the little boy with nothing?

I'm not allowed to make him dinner as she feels roast dinners and proper meals like gammon and chicken means with potatoes etc are not good for him, She had a meltdown once as i gave him some raspberries, Probably more me she is getting at here.. i let it go but cant even feed him real food. Don't know how to moan about it as I feel sorry for the boy tbh. Silent grudge I never tell DP. But he don't have the balls to say to the ex that she needs to send him with food if she wont allow us to feed him. Otherwise if I did feed him, the partner will get loads of abuse and threats to not see his little boy.

OP posts:
fromnowhere · 17/07/2019 16:56

Why does he not have any clothes at your house? Could your dp not take him shopping for a few basics for when he spends time at yours?
Re: food, that does sound odd. How does your dss feel about just having a jam sarnie?

justthecat · 17/07/2019 16:58

I’d buy him clothes for him to wear at yours and I’d feed his little belly up, she’s bloody neglecting him.

Drivemecrazy1974 · 17/07/2019 16:58

Surely, his dad has a right to say what he should be eating at his house? Also, can't you keep some clothes at your place? It all sounds really odd and as if she's looking to find fault...

fromnowhere · 17/07/2019 16:59

Also, your dp needs to talk to social services if the only options are not feeding his child or being threatened with removal of access by his ex. The childs needs should be paramount here He should be feeding his child regardless of what the ex says (obvs being mindful of any allergies or dietary restrictions etc).

SarahTancredi · 17/07/2019 16:59

What's he allowed to eat?

Original poster
Scorpiovenus · 17/07/2019 17:00

She really is funny about it tbh. I don't know what happened in the 5 years before i came along but yep. He didn't even have proper access a few years back. He is younger then me and i think they just don't deal with it well and i cant put any input in as lets be honest i have no say here really. Something went down but yeas i don't pry. He gets one day a week now and that's a improvement from when i first came along.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scorpiovenus · 17/07/2019 17:01

Maybe i sneak some in. And he can use them here and hide it when he goes home, maybe that will help.

hes such a honest boy also so i couldn't ask him to lie and hide it. Maybe just say that they are spare and not tell mummy?

OP posts:
Winterfellismyhome · 17/07/2019 17:02

Get his dad to buy him some proper clothes and give him some proper meals. Poor thing. Id rather feed him and face the backlash than let him survive on a jam sandwich all day

ElfridaEtAl · 17/07/2019 17:02

How on earth does your dp have access to his some but doesn't have clothes for him and isn't allowed to feed him? Ex sounds very controlling and DP sounds really half arsed if he's not challenging her on it. He's his dad FGS.

Ginnymweasley · 17/07/2019 17:03

She won't allow you to feed him?? That is ridiculous. Surely your dp should be contacting social services if this is the full story.

ElfridaEtAl · 17/07/2019 17:03

Just read your update. She sounds horrible and agree with PP that she needs reporting. What does he eat at home?

HermioneWeasley · 17/07/2019 17:04

Adults shouldn’t ask children to keep secrets. Just feed him properly when he’s at yours and let her moan if she wants to. Also, he should have a few clothes, toothbrush etc at yours - it’s his home

SarahTancredi · 17/07/2019 17:04

What happens when he cooks?

Is it just you that cant feed him or cloth him or both of you?

recrudescence · 17/07/2019 17:05

His father needs to act. Talk to him about your concerns and keep on talking.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 17/07/2019 17:06

Sorry, screw the fact "she had a melt down" and feed him your own food just bloody feed him. What shes going to go to court and go no i don't want my childs father feeding him. Do you know what the judge and social services would do? Paugh her out tue damn room.

As for clothes yes go to the supermarket and get him clothes to keep at yours. I know a family who used to do thiscwhen i was a kid.(the ex wife was similarly controlling) so the children used to get changed out of tue clothes they had at their dads before they went home.

Although nothing against you OP, I do wonder if theres more to this.

theworldistoosmall · 17/07/2019 17:07

You keep saying she won’t let you do things. So she lets dad do things?

maryberryslayers · 17/07/2019 17:07

He needs to get proper access. See a solicitor and get the ball rolling.

When he's with her it's her job to feed and clothe him, when he's with his dad it's his.

For god sake, stop letting her call the shots and do what's best for the little boy. He needs to eat nutritious food and be warm. End of.

Personally I'd contact social services, what she's doing is neglecting her son in order to assert control of her ex, no child can survive on a bloody jam sandwich, and by sticking to her 'rules' you're both allowing it. You're adults, act like it.

TeddiesAreEverywhere · 17/07/2019 17:08

Surely you don’t let a child go hungry because his mum says so? Just feed him! If this is real, five the child sow thing to eat. Even if it’s another sandwich or toast, there’s must be alternatives to a roast dinner he’s “allowed” to eat.

Thesearmsofmine · 17/07/2019 17:09

Your partner needs to go to the shops and buy some basic clothes for his child, he should have some things for him, what if he spilt something over himself or was ill?!

And he also needs to feed him.

TeddiesAreEverywhere · 17/07/2019 17:09

Sorry about spelling errors, trying to type on iPad over the cat. give (not five) and something (not sow thing).

GlitchStitch · 17/07/2019 17:10

His Dad needs to buy him some clothes to have at his house and he also needs to feed him. Feeding and clothing is really bare minimum parenting. The ex sounds odd and your partner useless tbh.

Candyfloff · 17/07/2019 17:11

I hope some sort of safeguarding body is involved with this poor little lad.

And like fuck would he be sitting in my home with only a jam sandwich to eat.
Everyone is letting him down.

His dad needs to buy him clothes for your house and he absolute needs to feed him. I wouldn't be sending the lad back to his mother if this was happening.

DonPablo · 17/07/2019 17:12

Oh come on. His dad needs to do what needs to be done. Parents provide clothes and food. If that normalcy has been lost, it's time he made the effort to change things!

I couldn't have a child in my house and not feed them. And if find it hard to accept that the other parent didn't want him fed properly.

There's got to be a whole lot more to this, surely?

RockyRolly · 17/07/2019 17:13

This cant be real. I hope it's not. I am shocked that a dad could have such little back bone and a step mum wouldn't just think "fuck that" and feed/clothe him as she sees fit. Its YOUR house I.e you and his step dad. Do whatever the fuck you want if it will better the life of a poor little child. Jesus christ I do despair.

feathermucker · 17/07/2019 17:13

Your partner needs to be far, far more assertive. He is allowing this behaviour, apparently for perceived threat of access withdrawal.

If he cares as much as he should, he should make sure your son has a proper meal, irrespective of the mother's ideas about food. He should also ensure he has some clothes for the boy.

If the ex kicks up a fuss, he should then seek legal advice.