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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU stepsons lunches

115 replies

Scorpiovenus · 17/07/2019 16:53

My step son came over again this sunday with just a jam sandwich to last all day, and it really was a poor jam sandwich. Also it was semi cold sunday and she sent him with shorts and t shirt nothing else so we couldn't take him outside as he was getting to cold. Hes 7 btw. I had to lend him some shorts of mine that were about 6 sizes too big lol. Did look funny but why does she send the little boy with nothing?

I'm not allowed to make him dinner as she feels roast dinners and proper meals like gammon and chicken means with potatoes etc are not good for him, She had a meltdown once as i gave him some raspberries, Probably more me she is getting at here.. i let it go but cant even feed him real food. Don't know how to moan about it as I feel sorry for the boy tbh. Silent grudge I never tell DP. But he don't have the balls to say to the ex that she needs to send him with food if she wont allow us to feed him. Otherwise if I did feed him, the partner will get loads of abuse and threats to not see his little boy.

OP posts:
Jux · 17/07/2019 17:55

While he is in dp's care, the poor child needs to be cared for. This will include feeding him and clothing him. Get food, get clothes. Get essentials for the child at the very least. FGS.

Rachelover40 · 17/07/2019 17:56

Your husband should take charge of the situation and tell the boy's mother that her son will be properly fed when at your house; he can then ask her what food their son cannot have - and why - so it can be avoided. He is the child's father after all and is entitled to question and insist (politely), where necessary.

As someone else suggested, it would be a good idea for dad to buy a few basic clothes for his son to use when he is at yours. Poor little kid.

herculepoirot2 · 17/07/2019 17:57

Just feed him.

Paramicha · 17/07/2019 17:58

Aw, his dad needs to step up, buy clothes and feed him.
Why only one day a week, why didn't his dad get 50/50 then he would be able to raise him better.

mathanxiety · 17/07/2019 18:01

Agree your DP needs to flip the mother the bird here. Buy him clothes, underwear, socks, shoes. Feed him.

No secrets.

If she kicks off he can take her to court to establish a schedule and to clarify that feeding him proper meals is not only normal but anything else is unthinkable.

If there is a suspicion that the mother questions the child after visits as to what happened at dad's then that has to stop too. The judge in family court will be clear on this point to her.

I agree there are possibly safeguarding concerns here and school safeguarding person needs to be notified.
What is the DS's weight/height?
Does he arrive clean?
Are the clothes he brings from home clean?

SleepingStandingUp · 17/07/2019 18:09

Sorry @Scorpiovenus but how can you be in a relationship with someone who is neglecting. His son like this, and supporting his ex to do the same??

He needs to grow up and parent his kid.

Naillig222 · 17/07/2019 18:10

That poor boy. Off to his dads with a packed lunch and no clothes there. That can’t feel very homely.
Buy a few pairs of clothes.
You all need to be adults about this and just talk it through. Do you sit down for roast dinner while he eats a jam sandwich?

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 17/07/2019 18:13

How can you be in a relationship with a man who colludes in the neglect of his own child just because he can't be bothered arguing with his ex?

PinkCrayon · 17/07/2019 18:14

I hope this isnt real. The child sounds neglected.

Soubriquet · 17/07/2019 18:15

Feed him and buy him clothing

If she threatens to stop contact, take her to court.

Threaten SS back on her

The child shouldn’t suffer because she has her panties in a twist

WhatWouldTheNeighboursSay · 17/07/2019 18:19

Rrrriiggghhhtttt
So a roast dinner is "common" but a jammy peece isn't!?!? Hmm

There are three adults and one confused little boy in this situation, guess which one is the important one?

Dad should absolutely be telling her that as his parent, when the child is in his care he intends to care for him as a parent should. Feeding him, making sure he is safe and warm and loved. This kind of powertripping bullshit fucks me the fuck off. The ONLY person hurt in this scenario is a poor little 5 year old boy Sad
And if she starts her nonsense about stopping contact, he goes to court for proper access, even full custody.
Someone who can pull that sort of shit just to feel she's in control DOES NOT have that little boys interests at heart. Only her own.

NaviSprite · 17/07/2019 18:20

I sincerely hope this isn’t real... if it is that poor child is being neglected.

If it is real, OP I suggest as others have, feed the poor lad. Also your DP needs to find his spine and tell his ex she will not be dictating what happens when the child is in his care.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/07/2019 18:20

What @Soubriqet said - 100%.

This lad deserves to be properly clothed and fed, and it is horrendous that his mum will lose it if he is fed a healthy meal!

Treaclesweet · 17/07/2019 18:21

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Paramicha · 17/07/2019 18:24

He needs to grow a backbone for his child's sake, he's no better, frankly.
Why hasn't your dh fought tooth and nail through the courts to care for his son.
I can't believe I'm reading this. Some parents don't deserve their kids.

managedmis · 17/07/2019 18:25

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HandsOffMyRights · 17/07/2019 18:26

If a child came into school in unsuitable clothes for the weather with poor and inadequate food, questions would be asked.

The dad needs to step in and feed/clothe him as well as talk to the mother.

This post has upset me as there's a little lad at the centre and red flags.

pikapikachu · 17/07/2019 18:27

I hope that this isn't true.

Dad needs to take the legal route. £210 and he could even try for an extra day. Ex can't withhold contact if you go legal. Please feed the boy! It's bloody cruel to let him starve.

Jojobears · 17/07/2019 18:27

Give the wean some bloody food, and buy him toys and clothes.

And also get onto social services; this sounds like neglect.

Your DP needs to grow a backbone. Do not have any children with this man

vodkaredbullgirl · 17/07/2019 18:29

Surely no one is that stupid, not to feed a child while in their care.

wibbletooth · 17/07/2019 18:35

I would also start taking a picture of your ds every time he comes so you have a record of what clothing he has come with and whether or not it’s inappropriate for the weather, as well as a picture of the food he brings with him to eat, again as a record of what his mum is expecting him to eat and how inappropriate it is.

How good a cook is his mum? And what sort of food does she give her son at home, do you know? Does she have any odd eating habits herself?

I’m wondering if she is a bad cook who can’t cook or doesn’t want to be bothered by cooking and who has managed to survive on jam sandwiches and other junk food perfectly happily (albeit unhealthily) so doesn’t want to start changing now. And so she doesn’t want her son having nice real food at your house because she is worried that he will like it and expect her to make it which she doesn’t want the bother and/or expense of. Plus she may be worried that her ds will want to spend more time with you and his dad to eat the nice food and that makes her scared or jealous or annoyed etc. Maybe she is scared her ds will start wanting to do overnights with you that will knock her child payments down a bit so she has figured this bonkers plan to stop it.

Something odd is going on and your poor step son needs some help. You might even find if he hasn't been eating properly that it will take him a while to get used to eating properly. So long as there are no allergies to deal with and you’ve take any long-standing requirements that she chooses to live by into account (eg being veggie, avoiding pork for religious reasons etc - the jam sandwich only diet doesn’t count!) then it should not be any concern of hers what you feed him. How is your step son around food? Does he want to try it, think it sounds nice etc?

Fontofnoknowledge · 17/07/2019 18:35

He needs to grow some balls and get in to court. NOW !!

If you can't afford a lawyer . Go and do what most people now do. Represent yourself. Get on the Internet . Download the form C100. From HMCTS. Complete it. Offer her mediation . (She will probably refuse in which case mediator will tick the box) - sent to the family court and pay your £215. Or complete the help with fees form if you are on low wage/benefits. In which case it's reduced or free.
Wait a few days for your court date . Then he goes to court and requests a court order to see his child for a normal amount of time. Standard access is every other weekend and an evening in the week.
You can then feed this child without her making threats . In the meantime go buy him some clothes and get father to speak to SS urgently !

Blondieg · 17/07/2019 18:40

What a load of rubbish.
As if any father would not feed their own child during their visit.

Tallgreenbottle · 17/07/2019 18:44

I'd be feeding him and keeping him tbh. I wouldn't be letting him back to a mother like that. His father can take custody of him if no court agreement and tell her to take you to court.

notmylittleangel · 17/07/2019 18:47

Clothes at daddies - we did this as stepchild would come in outfits that were not allowed to get dirty or creased I.e another way to stop us taking her out to have fun. We'd change and go to the park then change back.
I also second just feeding him.