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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave DS dad and enter a new relationship

106 replies

Whitecandle · 17/07/2019 10:27

This is totally outing so I hope he doesn't have mumsnet. But I need to tell someone as no one knows.

I kind of know this is unreasonable but need others to tell me it is so I know 100% I'm being a twat.

I have a 6 month old DS. Relationship with his dad is basically over. Long story but years of drug taking behind my back. Stealing from shops. Lying about debts. Lying about borrowing money from family. Using money that's left lying around in the house and denying it (basically stealing IMO) Being a generally untrustworthy person. I desperately love him so have always given another chance. I recently (1 week ago) found out he was paying to look at naked women online (I did look at his phone and am not sorry for it) and then sending the stinking pics to his friends saying 'she does it for me' etc. Bragging about looking at other women. And also lying to people about still living in our home - texting friends saying 'I'm down XXX's (my name)' instead of saying I'm at home. Found out he was all over another woman when I was pregnant and had photo evidence - he first lied and said she wasn't even there.

I'm desperate to have the perfect family with him and have more babies get married etc but I know deep down he won't change and i can't keep doing this over and over.

I don't wear my engagement ring any more. We basically aren't together and have said that. He has said he doesn't know if he loves me and sake about fancying me but then when I ask other says he said he didn't say that and he does. It's a mind fuck.

Now we have a 'friend' that we've both known for 4 ish years. I've always kind of liked him. They don't bother no more. And he's really interested in me. He also has young babies.

I really don't know what my question is but would IBU to actually leave my partner?

Would I also BU to entertain something with 'friend' if I was totally single?

I know I am. I'm just so broken I don't even know what's right and wrong any more 😔

OP posts:

Original poster

Whitecandle · 17/07/2019 10:28

The title of this post is so wrong and misleading but I didn't know what else to write. I don't actually wanna know if I should leave my DS dad for someone else but I didn't know how to phrase it

OP posts:

HeavenlyEyes · 17/07/2019 10:30

Leave your partner yes - but FGS do not get into another relationship. Do the Freedom Programme, get therapy and do some work on yourself before you take up with someone new. I wonder where your self esteem has been to tolerate this complete and utter shit for so long yet think you love someone.

footballmum · 17/07/2019 10:31

YABU. Maybe you should focus your energies into leaving the dreadful relationship you’re in before looking for the next one?! How about trying to be single and independent before jumping into another relationship?

Evilspiritgin · 17/07/2019 10:31

I think you should leave dp but I would give yourself a chance to be by yourself for a while, does this other man live with the mother of his children?

PooWillyBumBum · 17/07/2019 10:31

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to leave and, from the limited information, it sounds like you should but is jumping straight into a new relationship really necessary? Especially when he’s tied to your ex and also has young kids (and presumably a recent ex). SOunds like a recipe for massive drama.

Original poster

Whitecandle · 17/07/2019 10:32

😔 I do love him. But just not who he's turned into. Sometimes he's a decent guy. And to my face he is. But behind my back he isn't. So it's hard to end things when he seems nice to my face.

I know. I'm broken and quite clearly my self esteem is so low.

Can't fucking believe a man has done this to me!!

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 17/07/2019 10:32

Get rid of your partner and leave this other "friend" behind too. They are both shit partners and dads.

herculepoirot2 · 17/07/2019 10:32

I can’t see why you would bounce from one relationship into another (if, indeed, that is even a possibility - not clear) when you have such a young child. If your relationship is over, leave him.

What does “They don’t bother no more” mean?

x2boys · 17/07/2019 10:32

I think it would probably be a mistake to jump into another relationship so soon especially as you both have small children, leave your relationship by all means but can you not just be single for a while?

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 17/07/2019 10:33

Honestly, you should have left him a long time ago.

You should have had a baby with him, but that ship has sailed.

You need to leave and not get in a relationship with anyone until you have sorted out your own issues, around why you put up with this sort of thing AND learning to have healthy boundaries and keep to them.

The other man shouldnt even come into it. Concentrate on you and your baby.

Ifigotherewillbedouble · 17/07/2019 10:33

You know you need to completely leave your DS father - but going straight into another relationship isn’t wise. My advice is get rid of DS father, and focus on you and DS. Do you have friends or family? You are going to need time properly in your own to mend your heart and get strong. Don’t jump into anything else with anyone else. You can do this OP.

Original poster

Whitecandle · 17/07/2019 10:33

Sorry everyone. I wouldn't get into another relationship. I've messed up the post, writing it too quickly and nervously as this is my first post and the first time I've actually spoken about this.

OP posts:

HeavenlyEyes · 17/07/2019 10:35

Your current partner is a gaslighting cheat. He is going to be nice to you some of the time - that is why you stay. You really need to open your eyes to what is going on here and get rid pronto.

Original poster

Whitecandle · 17/07/2019 10:36

What does gaslighting mean?

He expects me to be ok with him going out getting pissed etc when I'm not. One time he didn't come home and went to his mums.

I know it's not going to work but for some reason keep giving him more chances to change

OP posts:

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 17/07/2019 10:36

But you would your title and large section of your post talks about getting in a relationship with him.

You are thinking about that before you have even ended this one.

I suspect, if this other man wasnt on the horizon you would keep putting up with your dps shit.

You need to leave because it's best for you and the baby not because there is a prospect of another man

arethereanyleftatall · 17/07/2019 10:36

Definitely leave him.
Definitely do not get in to another relationship.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 17/07/2019 10:37

He will never change op. What would you say to a friend or sister if they were in your shoes.

Your self esteem is through the floor so you're vulnerable.

My ex husband was on 15 websites, long story short is he'd get up on a hairy hand. There is something wrong with them honestly.

Get out of this now!

Original poster

Whitecandle · 17/07/2019 10:39

@Rubbinghimsweetly2 he has promised he has deleted it but I asked him to prove it and he says there is no way he can?

I don't know whether to believe it or not to be honest.

What has my life come to.

I'm so worried about being on my own with the baby 24/7. I need him for the help with the baby.... he is really good with him

OP posts:

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 17/07/2019 10:41

You dont need him for the baby. You think you do but you dont.

What you mean is you are scared of being alone and that's why you are considering leaving, only because there is a new man in picture.

Original poster

Whitecandle · 17/07/2019 10:43

@Proteinshakesandovieshat I think that is spot on. I'm petrified of being alone. 😢

OP posts:

HeavenlyEyes · 17/07/2019 10:43

Oh come on - are you really that naive that you believe him. Why do you trust such a complete and utter waster of a man?

Google gaslighting to read full description - but it means someone who argues black is white to your face to belittle and confuse.

WorraLiberty · 17/07/2019 10:43

You have a baby.

You'll never be 'totally single'.

Ithinkmycatisevil · 17/07/2019 10:45

Definitely leave your partner, he sounds like a complete waste of space. But please don’t get with the other guy straight away. Have some time to yourself to sort out your feelings and know what you actually want.

If your jump straight into another relationship, it most likely will not end well.

Original poster

Whitecandle · 17/07/2019 10:46

@HeavenlyEyes deep down I don't think I do. I'm only 22 and have been with him since 16 so have had him chip away for the majority of my adult life to be honest

OP posts:

WomanLikeMeLM · 17/07/2019 10:48

You really need to ask?

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