To leave DS dad and enter a new relationship

[Whitecandle]

This is totally outing so I hope he doesn't have mumsnet. But I need to tell someone as no one knows.

I kind of know this is unreasonable but need others to tell me it is so I know 100% I'm being a twat.

I have a 6 month old DS. Relationship with his dad is basically over. Long story but years of drug taking behind my back. Stealing from shops. Lying about debts. Lying about borrowing money from family. Using money that's left lying around in the house and denying it (basically stealing IMO) Being a generally untrustworthy person. I desperately love him so have always given another chance. I recently (1 week ago) found out he was paying to look at naked women online (I did look at his phone and am not sorry for it) and then sending the stinking pics to his friends saying 'she does it for me' etc. Bragging about looking at other women. And also lying to people about still living in our home - texting friends saying 'I'm down XXX's (my name)' instead of saying I'm at home. Found out he was all over another woman when I was pregnant and had photo evidence - he first lied and said she wasn't even there.

I'm desperate to have the perfect family with him and have more babies get married etc but I know deep down he won't change and i can't keep doing this over and over.

I don't wear my engagement ring any more. We basically aren't together and have said that. He has said he doesn't know if he loves me and sake about fancying me but then when I ask other says he said he didn't say that and he does. It's a mind fuck.

Now we have a 'friend' that we've both known for 4 ish years. I've always kind of liked him. They don't bother no more. And he's really interested in me. He also has young babies.

I really don't know what my question is but would IBU to actually leave my partner?

Would I also BU to entertain something with 'friend' if I was totally single?

I know I am. I'm just so broken I don't even know what's right and wrong any more 😔

End this relationship and don't get into a new one for a while. Be kind to yourself, it sounds like this relationship has put you through the mill.

Focus on you and your baby. Build your self esteem back up and get a support system in place. It's going to be tough but as the old saying goes "Better to lose a lover than love a loser" Good luck!

I'm glad you've been given the link for the Freedom Programme - they're lovely and can teach you about healthy vs abusive relationships, how you should be treated by someone who loves you, and the impact this behaviour has had on you, and could have on baby.

Their group courses are free to attend, women only, confidential (they don't even keep attendance records), some have creche facilities, and nobody will judge you or tell you what to do. It's not therapy, just information, and you don't have to talk or share anything about yourself if you don't want to - you can just listen. It's not somewhere where you stand up and share your life story.

Even if you aren't sure whether this is domestic abuse or not, you have nothing to lose by going. Worse case scenario you just have somewhere safe and supportive to go each week while you adjust to all this and get to form a model of how you want any future, healthy relationships to look.

On a personal note, when I attended FP I didn't understand why it had been recommended to me and sat down my first week convinced it was a mistake and didn't apply to me - and then they basically described my life in the intro!

I really would encourage you to give it a shot to see if it can offer you anything, then make your own mind up. I'll repeat the link purely for ease of clicking: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You're young, you've got so much time to build yourself a much happier life than this.

I have messaged my local representative for information on getting started with the freedom programme. That's one big step done.

I am also having a conversation with (I don't want to call him my partner as from the point of seeing his face tonight after all this he makes me physically sick so we'll call him cock from here on) cock. He is saying how sorry he is etc and he will sort it. But I'm not having it. I have had my eyes opened today and will not stand for this for my baby. I am not having any debt collectors to my door or being thrown out of my home with my baby due to cock!!! I have been onto citizens advice and they have helped me submit a claim for some benefits to help.

I don't know whether I should make him leave the house tonight. Or just make him aware it's completely over and he needs to find suitable accommodation as soon as possible....

I understand he should 100% go but also understand he is my babies father and we need to co parent so don't want to be a complete bitch - it's not in my nature.

Thank you everyone for your comments. You have really all helped me. Wish I had some closer friends in real life i could tell my problems too and have support from.

Leave him. ASAP. But give yourself a real period of time to be single before starting a new relationship. You'll be so thankful you did in the longer term.

If it's meant to be with the other guy then you'll find your way back to each other. And if you don't, it wasn't meant to be and you can in future have a healthy relationship and never be with someone who gives you disgusting memories of being lied to and makes you think you're unreasonable and mental for reacting - I've been there my love!

You sound like you have your shit together and know what you need to do. But you're also scared if you make new guy wait then he'll pass you by or you'll miss out.

Trust me, being single for a while is the BEST most loving thing you can do for you and your children. Remember, the relationships they see are the ones they often use as a blueprint for their own.

Teach them that it's important to be self sufficient and independent so that they know it's possible to be secure and happy single AND to have healthy boundaries and expectations when in a loving relationship.

It's the greatest gift you can give them.

Thinking of you OP, I think you've got this

Cross posted with your last one OP - you sound AMAZING

Let him sort the arrears then throw his arse out. Your baby deserves more than this.

@ThatCurlyGirl thank you so much. You have really kind words and they really are appreciated so so much xx

@C0untDucku1a I thought this. But it will take him god knows how long. He basically has £0 disposable income every month as he is paying sooooooo many debts and fines.

I'm devastated I've let this man father my child!!!!

Debts (except council tax) are not priority bills. Rent, utilities, council tax, and food are. BTW, might be an idea to check the council tax has been paid, that one can get you into deep shit, and even imprisonment, if it's not paid.

You've made a good start, but remember to check out Shelter, about your tenancy rights. You don't want to end up being evicted.

Where did cock stay the last time you kicked him out? Did you give him any time to find somewhere then? I could say, if you want to be kind, you could give him a few days to find somewhere, but I'd be worried that he'll drag it out, saying he can't find anywhere. So I think he should go tonight/tomorrow morning.

In a way, has the gratitude of this arrears situation forced you to face up to some tough decisions? Perhaps you would have just carried on unhappy without a big thing to startle you into making changes. See this as a positive that it’s opened your eyes and made you strong enough to do what’s right

@Motoko the only thing that he pays is the rent. All other bills etc are in my name only and come from my account so everything is 100% paid.

The landlords seem pretty decent to be honest. The only reason they chased the arrears were because I had messaged them about some improvements to the garden. Otherwise I would have been none the wiser.

I don't know whether to let him sort it out or call them again tomorrow and explain the situation and offer extra monthly payments. I'm just worried if I tell them he is moving out they will say that I am unable to keep the house on my own?

Last time he stayed at his Mums so will go back there is my guess.

He is asking when he can see the baby etc and I don't know what is reasonable. He thinks he should come here every night after work to bath him and see him then in the days on the weekends too. But I don't know if he is trying to take the piss?

He won't be having him overnight yet as, A - the baby only settles for me to go to sleep and gets really distressed with someone else whilst going down. B - I haven't left him at all yet never mind over night and C - he hasn't got anywhere suitably kitted out for a baby and I have only just got him into a sleep pattern and don't want to disturb this.

I have no idea what to say to be honest

@Beebeezed yes it definitely has. Although he's still trying to say it's because he didn't feel comfortable talking to me about money etc and he is sorry and will sort it. He doesn't think he has done anything else wrong apart from hide his money problems from me. He is trying to make me feel like I am making this a bigger issue.

I have to keep coming on here to remind myself I am right to leave him.

@Whitecandle You're so welcome, you deserve kind words and if that bell end won't give them to you then we fucking will! And:

I have to keep coming on here to remind myself I am right to leave him.

KEEP doing this OP, he's in panic mode because he's realised you're serious this time so he's going to minimise and under-react so you end up thinking oh wait did anything that bad really happen?

Please don't fall for it. We can give you Mumsnetty tough love if you're feeling weak.

Oh and as for saying you're sometimes devastated he's father of your little one - forget beating yourself up over this and just be proud he has one brilliant mum, it's so much more than some kids get.

Like I said, you've got this

Contact should not be in your home nor should it be every night. If he is at his mum's then it should take place there?

@HeavenlyEyes the problem we have is that he doesn't get 'home' from work until 6pm and the baby has his bath at 6pm and is sleeping by 6.30pm. So he wouldn't be able to pick the baby up after work to see him at his mums and bring him back etc as it's too late in the day x

Contact is normally every other weekend and one night during the week. Not every night? Him coming over every day is the same as living together, no? Before you know it he will have got his feet back under the table and moved back in.

@HeavenlyEyes there is no way on this earth he would be happy to only see his 6 month old baby 4 days over a 14 day period. The baby adores him. His face lights up as soon as he sees him too so I really don't want my son to miss out.

But I have no idea how this is going to work!

You're right about him getting his feet under the table etc. That's what happened last time I think. He started saying for tea then DS was really poorly and nearly choked on his sick in the middle of the night 3 times and I panicked and called him to come here as I was petrified then he ended up coming back... I'm desperate for this not to happen again.

If you don't want the landlord to know yet, don't tell them. Just say he's been having money problems, but didn't tell you, so you're trying to sort things out.

When he moves out, apply for council tax single person's discount. That will reduce it by 25%. It can also be paid over 12 months, instead of the standard 10 months, so if you go for that, it will also reduce your monthly payments a bit. And if you do qualify for some benefits, you'll also get help with rent and council tax.

What about the weekends for access? Baby is still too young for overnights. You can allow him to come round a couple of times in the week, it depends on what you're comfortable with, but don't let him stay for tea, or overnight.

Update - I haven't spoken to him all day. He's messaged my multiple times. I had a message at 6pm to say "I need to talk to you when I'm home" then another "I've messed up. I'll be home ASAP" then one at 7pm to say "I'm at the police station. I'm sorry"

Wtf

Don't allow it to put you off ending things, whatever he's gone and done.

That last text is for a reaction I’m sure of it. My ex used to say he was in hospital after a while of me ignoring him just to make me respond. You can do this please stay strong this is the hardest part.

Nope he is there. I have called the police station. They said he is in custody awaiting an interview. Front desk said the investigating Sargent will decide whether he is entitled to a phone call later this evening. So I have no idea if he is coming home or not. I'm so anxious and worried. My suspicion is that he's been caught stealing.

I'm so so so worried for him as I still care for him. He is severely depressed and in thousands pounds worth of debt. He needs help.

But I don't want this around my baby.

I need to focus on my baby. I will do everything in my power to protect that little boy. But feel it may be my duty to get cock some help too. He is quite clearly in too deep...

It's not your duty to get him help.

Let's hope whatever he has been arrested for doesnt end up with social services involvement.

Just had the police here. It's for stealing alcohol from supermarkets to sell for money to pay for his debts.