To leave DS dad and enter a new relationship

[Whitecandle]

This is totally outing so I hope he doesn't have mumsnet. But I need to tell someone as no one knows.

I kind of know this is unreasonable but need others to tell me it is so I know 100% I'm being a twat.

I have a 6 month old DS. Relationship with his dad is basically over. Long story but years of drug taking behind my back. Stealing from shops. Lying about debts. Lying about borrowing money from family. Using money that's left lying around in the house and denying it (basically stealing IMO) Being a generally untrustworthy person. I desperately love him so have always given another chance. I recently (1 week ago) found out he was paying to look at naked women online (I did look at his phone and am not sorry for it) and then sending the stinking pics to his friends saying 'she does it for me' etc. Bragging about looking at other women. And also lying to people about still living in our home - texting friends saying 'I'm down XXX's (my name)' instead of saying I'm at home. Found out he was all over another woman when I was pregnant and had photo evidence - he first lied and said she wasn't even there.

I'm desperate to have the perfect family with him and have more babies get married etc but I know deep down he won't change and i can't keep doing this over and over.

I don't wear my engagement ring any more. We basically aren't together and have said that. He has said he doesn't know if he loves me and sake about fancying me but then when I ask other says he said he didn't say that and he does. It's a mind fuck.

Now we have a 'friend' that we've both known for 4 ish years. I've always kind of liked him. They don't bother no more. And he's really interested in me. He also has young babies.

I really don't know what my question is but would IBU to actually leave my partner?

Would I also BU to entertain something with 'friend' if I was totally single?

I know I am. I'm just so broken I don't even know what's right and wrong any more 😔

I know if I ask him to try to log into the site in front of me to prove his account has gone he will get angry and say no I'm being pathetic he shouldn't have to etc.

AKA he is lying. I'm not totally a twat. I know I'm being lied to. But it's hard to walk away. Really hard.

Think I just needed someone to speak to

Baby's dad is a scum bag and you should never have had a child with him.

Leave him and bring up your child.

Don't try to jump into a new relationship and play happy families. Take some time on your own to give your baby the love and attention they deserve.

As much as mumsnet is tough love I think I need it.

I'm starting to feel a teeny bit empowered to leave.

All your comments really do help - even if some are slightly mean.

I definitely wouldn't be in another relationship or have another man around my baby.

I just meant have some fun for a change and enjoy someone's company (although I'm not sure when I'd even do that because I won't leave my baby yet)

I won't do anything with someone else right now. I don't know what I was thinking

Possibly a bit of a drip feed which I know is a crime on mums net.

I did kick him out a good few weeks back for around a week but ended up letting him come back. Wish I never now as we would have been a good month in!

He has also only started the majority of the things since baby has been born/I've been pregnant.

The drugs were a few years back and have not found out he's done them since but I expect he has although he denies that the most.

He said he wanted a baby with me so I didn't get pregnant on accident or try to change him etc

Why on earth would you want more babies with him and to marry him? Is the fear of losing a future you imagined for yourself?

@BelulahBlanca I guess so

@BelulahBlanca I want more babies and to marry the person I want him to be. The reason I want more babies and to marry him is because I wanted to do those things with the person who's my first babies father. I don't want to be with someone new or have babies with another man. I wanted 'the perfect family' which I know is pathetic and perfect families come in all shapes because I didn't have a dad either.

I know I'm pathetic!

Oh FGS! You have a tiny baby. By all means leave the useless father, but launching into another relationship with some fantasy-landidea about creating the perfect family is just lunacy.

Time to do some growing up.

@SesameSam you have the wrong end of the stick. I don't want a 'perfect family' with someone else. I want it with my babies dad and that's the problem.

This has nothing to do with maturity

You arent going to get anywhere near a perfect family with this dickhead.

My family is pretty perfect. I am a lone parent, my exh is a banker which only became evident in the last few years as my career took off. Dp lives down the road, might move in, probably wont get married. Ds likes him. Ds is happy, doing well in school.

Obviously we have problems. Ds talks everyone's head off, and is a typical 8 year old. Dp can be a bit grumpy when tired. So can I.

But we are all, on the whole, happy. I wouldn't go back to living with exh because he the father of my child, for a lottery win.

My life isnt quite perfect, but it's a hell of a lot happier now.

It's great!

You say most of this has started since the baby. But look at your list. The drugs, the debts, the lying have been going on a long time.

Yeah, you probably should have walked away a long time ago. But you cant change that. So move on from it. You cany change that you took him back a few weeks ago.

You can only change now.

If the other man is a friend, he isnt who you should be dating for a bit of casual fun. You will either end up serious, or ruining the friendship.

What you need is time to sort yourself out, so you dont find yourself in a similar position. And time for you and ds to adjust to your new, happy, life without the wanker in the picture.

@Proteinshakesandovieshat thank you for your advice. You are totally right. I really need to take the plunge.

When I think of being without him long term etc it doesn't scare me. It's the beginning that I'm scared of. The whole ending things and him moving out. The initial adjustment of being single for the first time and being a lone parent.

I know I should end it today deep down. I hope I pluck up the courage. I have messaged him to say we need to talk later. I really hope I can end things 😔

Please, please please work on yourself for your baby. Your his mum, the only mum he will ever have. His dad sounds like a waste of space. He NEEDS you to be good enough. He NEEDS you to put him first.

Forget, completely and entirely, about 'friend'. You say he also has young babies, but apparently is single so you could 'enjoy his company'? So has he left the mother of young twins? Or does he have multiple small babies with multiple women (none of whom he is with)? Or what? Whatever the case it is a fucking trainwreck waiting to happen. Do not begin a fling of any kind with him. Forget about him.

Kick out your child's useless father, go through CMS for as much maintenance he is worth (not bloody much I imagine from what you say). I very much doubt he will play any kind of role in your son's life subsequently, certainly not a positive one. Forget about him.

Think about what you think it means to be a good parent. Think about how you were parented, and what about that which has led you to have such low self-esteem you'd put up with the treatment your son's father has been dishing out, and you'd rather jump into a new fling with another obviously unsuitable man than be alone. Think about what a child needs to feel complete, adequate, deserving, safe. Do that, on your own. Do not introduce any 'new man' into your infant child's life until you are 100% self-sufficient and 100% sure that person will improve your child's life, not problematise it. Being 'in love' is not enough, as your current relationship shows only too clearly.

Seriously I know you're getting a drubbing but the situation you describe is the jumping off point for so many shattered, dysfunctional childhoods. Please aspire for better for your son.

@weaningwoes thank you so much

How the hell am I going to afford to be on my own. I have no idea how single parents do it

look at the website entitledto to see what you can claim.

Leave your partner but don't jump into another relationship straight away. You need to look for counselling so you can realise what is a good relationship.

@Whitecandle - How the hell am I going to afford to be on my own. I have no idea how single parents do it a trite phrase but get a job? Are you employable?

@Whitecandle you can do it! You will be entitled to various tax breaks and benefits, the entitledto website is really useful for this. You are also entitled to maintenance from your son's father, he mae a child and doesn't get to forget that fact.

Support is so helpful - how's your relationship with your parents (and his)? Grandparents could help you out with childcare, even temporary accommodation if you need to go on the list for a council house. Do you have any good friends or family in a position to help you? What did you do for work before you had DS and can you get back to that?

@HeavenlyEyes it says £0. Must be doing it wrong. Maybe I could ring somewhere to help me.

@MyOpinionIsValid I work. I'm on maternity leave.

Sometimes he's a decent guy. And to my face he is.

But he isn't, is he? He has said he doesn't know if he loves me and sake about fancying me but then when I ask other says he said he didn't say that and he does. It's a mind fuck.

What we want out of life and what we get are mostly totally different things, that’s not to say you can’t go forward and achieve the very best for you and your baby. The best is not this man, you’ve just been with him all your adult life and you’re scared to fully end it.

As mentioned before google the freedom programme and get your name down for it.

Single parenthood is hard but all parenthood is hard and parenting with a partner who constantly gives you grief is harder than cutting loose.

@weaningwoes I have a small family. Just my mum and nan. My mum works full time so can't help with childcare and my Nan is getting on so wouldn't be able to. His family are ok. But we don't get on the greatest. All of which work full time too or have MH issues. I private rent at the moment, our little home is perfect for us and local to family etc but I doubt , actually I know I could not sustain paying the whole rent and bills and nursery fees on my own.

I work for the NHS. And will be going back part time, 3 days per week. But nursery fees are so expensive.

I have gone onto the entitledto website and it is saying I wouldn't be entitled to anything which must be wrong.

Babies dad definitely would be involved in my sons life. He loves that baby so so much. And would want to pay for him etc but is so shit with money and doesn't have any to pay. He is on an awful aw and has no prospects for a better job.

@Whitecandle are you inputting your current income (including DPs?)

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