To leave DS dad and enter a new relationship

[Whitecandle]

This is totally outing so I hope he doesn't have mumsnet. But I need to tell someone as no one knows.

I kind of know this is unreasonable but need others to tell me it is so I know 100% I'm being a twat.

I have a 6 month old DS. Relationship with his dad is basically over. Long story but years of drug taking behind my back. Stealing from shops. Lying about debts. Lying about borrowing money from family. Using money that's left lying around in the house and denying it (basically stealing IMO) Being a generally untrustworthy person. I desperately love him so have always given another chance. I recently (1 week ago) found out he was paying to look at naked women online (I did look at his phone and am not sorry for it) and then sending the stinking pics to his friends saying 'she does it for me' etc. Bragging about looking at other women. And also lying to people about still living in our home - texting friends saying 'I'm down XXX's (my name)' instead of saying I'm at home. Found out he was all over another woman when I was pregnant and had photo evidence - he first lied and said she wasn't even there.

I'm desperate to have the perfect family with him and have more babies get married etc but I know deep down he won't change and i can't keep doing this over and over.

I don't wear my engagement ring any more. We basically aren't together and have said that. He has said he doesn't know if he loves me and sake about fancying me but then when I ask other says he said he didn't say that and he does. It's a mind fuck.

Now we have a 'friend' that we've both known for 4 ish years. I've always kind of liked him. They don't bother no more. And he's really interested in me. He also has young babies.

I really don't know what my question is but would IBU to actually leave my partner?

Would I also BU to entertain something with 'friend' if I was totally single?

I know I am. I'm just so broken I don't even know what's right and wrong any more 😔

@StarJumpsandaHalf thank you for your comments. Although I wouldn't say this is domestic abuse?

@newmomof1 I think so but can't be. I'm struggling what to put as I'm on mat leave and my earnings will be significantly less going back part time. Good idea to call citizens advice

Does your baby's father work full time? If you think he is a decent father (i.e. won't take drugs while caring for child etc) could he take on some of the childcare to reduce nursery fees and contribute that way?

Can you go and live with your mum or nan for a bit if the rent can't be managed?

Gaslighting is abuse? And emotional abuse is happening here too I think.

You need to input what your earnings will be to get an idea? And of course CSA will help with maintenance too. Unless your ex is self employed?

OMG you won't believe I've just had the private rental company ringing me saying we are in arrears. I rang my partner and he was really funny with me over the phone. I've told him you need to come home right this second and tell me every single thing and I don't want to sound like an idiot to the landlords.

I can't believe this.

I had told him we are over and I mean it. This is too far. I have a baby living under this roof. It ends now

I just think you need help and support because he lies, cheats and steals and says he’s not sure he even loves you, but you still say you love him desperately and you think you need him.

You need to realise that you shouldn’t accept that kind of behaviour and treatment, for your own self worth and for the example it sets your child. You deserve better. Someone who’s decent and who treats you properly. It isn’t worth putting up with all of that just to avoid going it alone.

He’ll still have his responsibility to his child. Maybe you can be friends if he sorts out his shit, but don’t put yourself in the position of giving unrequited love and don’t devalue yourself. Remember, abuse takes many forms, not just violence

Cross posted.

@StarJumpsandaHalf what does that mean?

It means I typed my last reply to you before seeing your post which appears immediately above what I said. Therefore what I wrote doesn’t take your post into account.

2 months rent of owed to the landlords. I have no idea what to say to them when they call me.

How embarrassing!!! I have no way of making these back payments! My god I'm screwed

Look around you. There are single parents and their children thriving everywhere. Check what benefits you'd be entitled to, and consider whether you could get a job.

I was left with a 7 and a 10 year old when DH died. It was very hard but we managed and we're very close even now they're young adults.

Your DP is a waste of space. Or course he's nice to you sometimes. Otherwise you'd have left him long ago. He needs to keep you hanging on. The nice/nasty cycle is typical of abusive men.

Definitely leave him
Definitely do not get in to another relationship

@Prawnofthepatriarchy sorry to hear of your loss. I do work. I'm current on maternity leave

YABU. Leave your partner, sure but don’t jump into bed with the nearest man. Be single for a while ffs, there’s no rush.

Leave....you got this. It will be scary at first but its better than always being on edge and not knowing not trusting. It will be better for you and your DS relationship.

I did it and survived

good luck

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Womens aid can help you with practical advice about leaving ex partner.

You need to do the freedom programme before you get involved in another abusive relationship.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Gaslighting meaning
www.thehotline.org/what-is-gaslighting/

Leave this twat and as others have said get yourself mentally in a strong place first before leaping into another relationship. That might take a few months, it might take a few years but please find happiness and confidence in yourself first.

Don't involve the friend, he is probably the only available kind male in your life, put a new relationship out of your mind.
Forget about more babies with anyone for now.
Leave your current partner, gain strength from somewhere.

Was he the one supposed to be paying the rent? Who's on the tenancy agreement?

You'll have to speak to the landlord and tell them what's happened and ask if you can pay it off in installments. If you pay as much as you can towards the arrears, asap, it will put off an eviction.

Contact Shelter regarding your rights as a tenant, and have a read of their website. Do it today, you can't delay this.

Can you move in with your mum temporarily?

@Whitecandle I hope you are ok. What a horrible time you are going through but this too shall pass.

You sound like a great mum, as you keep mentioning your child’s needs above your own. You need to think, do I want my child growing up around this situation? Do I want them Learning that this is what a relationship is like and this is how a woman should be treated? I know it’s a scary prospect to leave, believe me I do. But there is help out there for you, and you will be surprised how quickly you’ll learn to be on your own. You deserve better than this, but ultimately your child deserves better than this. A happy home with a single parent is much more ‘perfect’ than a stress filled home with two.

You will be so much happier for leaving him. Things will work out the alternative is a life of misery, no sound advice really I just want you to know you are doing the right thing! My ExP was a gambler and it’s so damaging

@Wherearemycrayons oh he does gamble too 😔

Seriously. Leave him. He will never ever change and you will break yourself trying. I've been through very similar. I ended falling deeply in love with someone else towards the end of my relationship with ex which then gave me the push I needed to get out. The other person never knew and we were just friends but he was a lovely person inside and out.

We got together 3 months after but under different circs to you, he was long term single anyway with a much older dd and mine were older too but it worked out.

Leave your dp first then spend a bit of time on your own, better to go it solo then be with someone who will destroy you anyway

I'm just waiting for the baby to go to sleep to have the conversation

Good luck, be strong, think of your child x