To ask why you became a SAHP and if you are pleased you did?

[Shazafied]

Not looking to start a debate about working parents vs SAHPs! We all work hard.

Genuine question for SAH mums and dads - what was it that swayed your decision ? Was it a tough decision? How are you enjoying it ? Any regrets?

(Currently weighing up options as have 2u2).

Thanks all

In a nutshell, nursery costs. It would’ve been £2,000 a month for 2 DC in nursery full time, I earned £1,800 as a full time teacher.
I’m really enjoying being a SAHM. The village we live in has lots going on for kids during the week, we go to lots of groups and have lots of friends in the area, many of whom are also SAHP, so we’re never bored. I feel very fortunate that I am able to have this time with DS&DD while they are little. I plan on going back to work once DS is at school and DD is at nursery.

I gave up work a year ago when my youngest was almost 2. I have an older child in junior school.

I gave up a senior role which was technically part time but in reality was a big full time job.

DH works long hours, is somewhere different every day and is in a demanding job with some overseas travel. He could very rarely pick up any slack if the kids were ill or I needed to travel or be in the office late.

Ultimately I was happy to step back from work in order to make our home life less stressful and easier all round.

I am definitely glad I did it and have no regrets. I am really enjoying having time at home with my youngest, my eldest loves that we can walk to school and I can collect him each day, he can do the clubs he wants to etc etc.

I will say though this was all made much easier by us being in the fortunate position that we could comfortably afford for me to give up my salary and still have holidays etc.

Do what works for your family. Everyone will have a different view and what works for them won't necessarily work for you!

It wasn't a choice for me. After graduating from Business School I struggled to find any work besides occasional short term contracts involving long, long hours and lots of travel, and even those have largely dried up. My wife had to go back to work to support us - thankfully we can manage on one income - so I became a SAHD by default.

It's difficult to describe how I feel about this knowing that some people would do almost anything to be in my position, but it's a mixed blessing at best. Sure, I get to spend all day with DD (now 21 months) and it can be very, very rewarding. I also have enough insight to realise that I am quite privileged to be part of her life at this age.

But it's hard work. We moved house when expecting DD so ended up in an area with no support network. The various baby/toddler groups and activities I've gone to have not exactly embraced my presence as a man, and I'm still coming up against things like change facilities in women's toilets. Going all day without adult conversation is mentally very challenging, and when DW is home - although she does much more than her fair share after working long hours in a professional job - she'd rather just enjoy playing Mom, so it's left to me to enforce bedtimes, boundaries and things.

But most of all it's a constant, depressing reminder of my inability to find employment of any description, never mind something commensurate with what I can actually do, and it's a signal to everyone else to judge me. I spent the thick end of US $100,000 on my MBA and frankly I'd rather be employed and earning considerably more than my wife so that she could go part time in order to spend more time with DD, which I know she wants.

I always wanted to stay at home if I had children, then we relocated away from friends and family when DD started school - no backup whatsover meant it was easier to stay home while my DH travelled for work. We don't regret it at all, it has been lovely for us.

My XH moved quite a bit with work so I didn’t have an opportunity to settle at anything outside of the home myself.

I started working for myself at home and just carried on once we had DCs. With 3 of them it would have been expensive to pay for childcare and I knew XH would never have taken responsibility for any of the sick days, school holidays etc as his job was oh so very important, so it would all have fallen to me. He never woke in the night with any of them as babies because his job was very important and he needed to be well rested.

He couldn’t have his phone on while working so of course all calls from nursery/school had to come to me anyway.

I had to make my life as flexible as possible to work around their needs, which was helpful once we divorced and I was already prepared for being almost solely responsible for them. The difference now is getting one day a week off when they go and stay with their dad!

The cost of childcare was more than I'd bring in with full time work. I was in an entry level position so staying wouldn't have meant preserving anything career wise either. Also both children have additional needs, oh works away about once a fortnight and couldn't have picked up any slack with their many appointments because of his job.

I decided to give up work when I found myself juggling to get ds to nursery and commute to work in another nursery. I dropped my child off in order to go and look after other people's which was bonkers really.

We couldn't really afford it though and after a year I began working as a childminder at home so the best of both worlds. My children are 20 &17 now and I'm still childminding very, very part time but nearing retirement.

Didn't regret a moment of it.

I don't know if I count. We're mostly living on savings, but I've been doing anything from half a day to 4 days work each month since DS was 7 months old; to keep the savings topped up for longer, but also to keep my old clients happy and so I'm officially "employed" from a CV and NI perspective.

Whoops, hit send too soon. I'm doing it because I like being with DS and because he's breastfed I prefer not to be away from him too long. It's not really a firm decision because I could seek more work anytime and I will once he goes into nursery next year (16 months old now). I would regret wasting this time of infinite cuteness by going to work, even though some days he's exhausting.

Dp and I were both working incredibly anti social hours with long commutes when i got
pregnant with dd.. We had a live in nanny sorted and I was going to go back to work when she was 3 months old. I realised that I wanted her to be looked after by either her dad or me- and I wanted it to be me. No regrets.

I gave up work after my second as childcare costs were more than my salary and my husband earned enough to support us. I was also in my 40s and felt I had taken my career as far as I could.
I found it very boring and really missed adult company. All my friends worked and either had older kids or no kids. One friend who had children the same age worked full time and had a live in nanny. I felt I was only identified as x’s mum or y’s wife. No one knew me from before I had kids! Plus I realised I wasn’t a natural mum - I found it tedious and unfulfilling.
However two tragedies changed the course of my life. My father died just as we were thinking of buying a holiday home I would renovate for us. Then just before I completed the project my husband died. I eventually moved us into that holiday home and started buying properties at auction and renovating and selling on. As the market stalled I started letting out the renovated properties. My kids are now teenagers and moving to the new area I met and made good friends with a lot more people. Being on my own forced me out of my comfort zone.
So while I didn’t really enjoy being a stay at home parent, I can’t say I regret it. In my case circumstances intervened and you never know what path your life will take.

Dh works long hours and can earn substantially more than me especially if he can have the freedom and flexibility to work as and when he's needed. It made sense with 3 dc for me to be at home.

I struggled at first, but now Ds is at nursery 2.5 days I love it. I do loads round the house, diy, Go running, help out family etc. I am getting a bit bored now though, and in September Ds will be at nursery for another year so I'm going to begin to look for part time work although it will be a complete career change for me.

My only regret is that I feel I have lost the professional, sharp side of myself and become a playdoh expert that employers will not respect. I think that's partly in my head though! I think my life has become quite 'small' since being off- I'm busy all the time doing things but it's within this microcosm that, quite frankly, no one else gives a toss about.

I always knew if/when I had kids I'd like to spend the 1st few years at home with them, so not a tough decision. Finances were all arranged so we could live off DH's salary (small house so mortgage and bills could be paid by one person). And if I had returned to work, all my salary would've gone on nursery fees and running a 2nd car so no financial benefit to me working anyway.

I wouldn't say I regretted it but there were plenty of times I found it hard and lonely and would've preferred to be at work with other adults and tea breaks. But I'm glad I got to spend all that time with him and be there for all the milestones and nice bits.

Once DS started preschool I returned to work part time for a couple of years but it didn't really work out. As I was only 10 mins from preschool/school, DH works an hour away and we have no family in the area, I was always the one who was phoned to come and collect him when he was ill (which was a lot in those days), so that made things difficult at work. Plus DS struggled with me being gone, even on days when DH was with him. Eventually I decided it would be better for both him and me if I continued as a SAHM until he finished infant school. His behaviour and confidence improved dramatically so I feel it was the right decision for us. But he's very sensitive and, as DH was out at work most of the day and we had no other family around, I was his only carer most of the time. Even when DH was home, we'd do things as a family so he was used to having me there all the time. I don't think me going back to work would've affected him so much if he'd been used to being looked after by other adults (his dad, grandparents, etc).

Thanks all this is making really interesting reading for me. I have a 10 week old And an 18 month old. I’m in an entry-level admin job at a university (currently on mat leave) Having given up my previous work (I ran my own stained glass making Business) In order to try and conceive my first child (Long story, high lead levels).

Apologies for all the random capital letters and any typos in this post and I’m feeding the baby as I audio transcribe this!

There are various options including going back to bed and claimant, I’m not going back, taking a career break, working from home doing stained glass ...It’s all up in the air at the moment but reading your experience as it’s really really interesting so thank you for taking the time.

I should add that to like some of you above, we have no family around to help which makes a massive difference in terms of childcare costs versus profit from working… As I’m sure you all know.

Otherpeoplesteens Sorry to hear you are having a bit of a tough time-perhaps it will get easier when your child is older and you can be more flexible with applying for work?

“going back to bed and claimant” !!!

^This was meant to say “going back to paid employment”

I'm going to be a sahm for at least a year due to a long term illness. I'm not well enough to work at all. My DCs are at school now but they are looking forward to me picking them up etc. I miss work but it's just how it's worked out for us. Financially we will be OK.

Because my dh works away a lot and it wasn’t conducive for me to go back. We could afford it and I wanted to stay home tbh. I enjoyed it but after 5 years I had enough and dc2 was nearly 3 and in Montessori so I went back.

I’ve always had to find a job rather than have one waiting for me so it’s been a decision to start looking. With the other two I did ad hoc freelance then got tired of the downsides of that so got a permanent role.

With dd who is 18 months I’ve been pondering whether and when to start. I waited a bit for her so I feel like I want to be around. Feels like more of an emotive decision than above two. Was just thinking about this

I inherited a little money which we used to enable me to stay at home. I never regretted it- having hated my previous job. I did a bit of part-time work at home, some weekend work, started several tiny businesses. I still work term time only now (dd is 14) as well as working some evenings. But I’ve never had to pay much for child care.
I have a very niche professional qualification, which I may dust off in the next couple of years. My dh earns a good average wage in a 9-5 type job. No regrets - I have a very varied work history though!

Nursery fees, also have 2u2!
It's hard being at home some days but I'm glad I get to see them grow up, I can always work but I can't always see my children walk for the first time, laugh etc so for me that's important and I'm lucky enough that DH earns a decent wage .
I will go back when they are in preschool though, part time.

It was decided before we had kids that I would stay at home until the youngest was in school. We struggled financially but would have been even worse off if I worked and paid childcare as I would only have got a NMW job.
I was able to go to every event at nursery and then for the two eldest at school I got to attend every concert, sports day and help in the PTA. If they were sick i was lucky enough to be able to be the one they snuggled up on the couch with and didn't have to stress about getting time off work.

However, the time away from work came at a big loss to my mental health, something I didn't realise til I went back to work. I suddenly felt human again and my self esteem rocketed. I'm now doing a degree and hope to get into teaching and I'm enjoying not just being 'Mummy.

If I could go back I don't know if I would have done it the same.

I would have loved to have been a stay at home mum when mine were small. I only worked part time, but even that was too much time away from them for my liking. I loved going to groups, doing messy play, play dates with friends and trips to the park. I was never bored on my days off with the kids. If you have the opportunity then do it OP.

Though now their older (secondary and almost secondary) there’s no way I could stay home while they're at school all day. I’d be really bored. There’s only so much house work you can do and I’m sure I’d fill my spare time with eating everything in sight. Needless to say I’m now full time!

I was made redundant whilst on maternity leave.

To be honest it was a blessing in disguise, childcare costs can be quite high so would have been paying out a fair amount, it wouldn't have been that beneficial to go to work.

I thought it would be my worst nightmare being a SAHP but it's actually been quite nice being home with my child and although sometimes I have my days where I miss work (I actually loved my job) I am ultimately glad I have the opportunity to stay at home with our child and have a very supportive partner - which I think helps a lot as I get a break lol