To ask why you became a SAHP and if you are pleased you did?

[Shazafied]

Not looking to start a debate about working parents vs SAHPs! We all work hard.

Genuine question for SAH mums and dads - what was it that swayed your decision ? Was it a tough decision? How are you enjoying it ? Any regrets?

(Currently weighing up options as have 2u2).

Thanks all

Childcare costs outweighed my wage in the holidays and in term time I was stroppy and rushed and hated only seeing them for an hour in the evening before bed.
My oldest had some behavioral problems and has since had a diagnosis by camhs and its been better that I can have a good relationship with his teacher, I've been able to volunteer in the classroom since my youngest started school and im there for pick up every day.
I do still work as well though, I have several very part time jobs that I do while they're at school or in the evenings when my husband is home. I only need an hour or so of childcare a couple of times a term and can ask a friend as its so infrequent.
In balance yes I'm glad I did, it was the right thing to do for my family BUT I'm not sure what to do in the future as they grow up!

My dc have special needs and were out of school a lot. When I became a single parent it was impossible. I did not have childcare to suit their needs.

Ideally I would have loved to have taken a career break for four or five years and been home with them when they were small. As it happened I went back to work after maternity leave and then had to give up work when they were older.

We have a substantial safety net and financial security but I'd rather not discuss details on here.

I've been a SAHP for a long time now. I first did it because on the wages I was on it wasn't worth going back to work with nursery fees and I didn't have any family support. I then became a single parent and it just wasn't possible to work with no support. I've never found it boring (have always known lots of people in the same boat so never lack of adult company). I'm very glad I haven't missed out on any firsts and their early years. The only downside is, now I'm in a position where I wouldn't mind working, no one will employ me because of a massive gap in my employment. As the years go on, it gets harder and harder. I rarely get an interview and if I do, as soon as I mention the fact I have dcs I think it puts them off massively. So something to consider.

Yes I agree re pensions, to be honest when I stopped working we weren’t even thinking about pensions, we’d only taken on a mortgage the year before having DC and pensions weren’t really a consideration, mind you my DC are now 19/22 so I think most people are now more aware about contributing to pensions than we were.
I must say that the biggest downside for me about ending up a SAHM is that I became dependant on my DH and that really wasn’t something I intended, my father left my mother (and me) in a very bad situation (homeless without any money) when she was in her early 50s and I’d always been very independent as a result. Becoming dependant on DH happened slowly and due to a whole range of things, but it is something I still feel very uncomfortable with the reality of it.
I haven’t safeguarded my future very well.

My DCs don't have special needs and are both doing well at school but they both have off days when someone has upset them, they need a cuddle and a chat on the way home. Their childminder was faultless but it was a busy environment with lots of children, and they always preferred being collected by one of us and coming home.

For various reasons I wasn’t working when I had my child, we’d had a year travelling, then moved house for my DH’s job, we had our DS late in life (I was 43) and were in a comfortable financial position.

I did enjoy being a SAHM but I had money to do what I wanted, ie; going to a gym with a crèche, having nice days out, my own car etc etc (& a joint bank account & never had the feeling that my DH was ‘keeping me’ - it was/is all joint household income). I had lots of interests and hobbies that I followed - and we lived near the beach in a beautiful part of the world.

I think it’s totally different if you are desperately short of money, no freedom to do what you want, a DH who might begrudge what you do etc etc.

So I had 12 great years with just an only child , fab when he was at school!

However it was not easy to return the workforce, obviously as an older mum I was mid 50s when I returned to work and although I love my job it pays a pittance compared to what I earned over 25 years ago. In 1996 I was earning £25k which was a good salary then plus company car and various other perks, now I don’t even earn half that , part time hours. Thankfully I made sure my NI contributions were paid up & I also had a private pension provision but do think long term before decision.

I am also very aware that had my relationship broken down I would have been in a very difficult position. Being brutally honest I wouldn’t make the same decision again.

Sorry not read the rest of the thread!
We both worked long hours and I gave up work when we had an argument in a and e about who could spare the morning off work to take my ds back to the fracture clinic after he had broken his arm!! Nursery then shut and then he got chicken pox. My heart also wasn't in my job.
We had no family to help!
My ds is now 12 and dd is 10 and still at home!
My dh still works long hours but doesn't have to
Worry about child care/holidays/illnesses. His work is flexible though so can be home if I need him to be (if I go out for the day etc).
I do all the house admin, shopping etc.
We have a joint bank account and credit card.
I do some very part time stuff now but will look at doing something when my dd is at secondary.

Yes I did it. I think some of it is about perspective, descion making, money.

With my family history and the way I came to have dc, and my personal experiences of seeing those vulnerable in the care of others when they don't have a voice eg non verbal child.

I looked after them.
There was no way I could leave them.
It was gruelling, lonely, tough as well of course as the good times.
I'm back at work now, and I look back and simultaneously think, how did I do it, and also what a privilege. It goes so quickly but financially it was a huge sacrifice.

I think if you try it your not signing yourself up to something you can't back out of.
You could put them in nursery as much as you need because depending on child and your personal support network it can challenge your sanity.

It was just what my heart wanted.

My mum clearly loved being a SAHP and I loved having her there, so I expected to enjoy parenthood. All the same, I expected I would want to work part-time because I loved my job. But it turned out I wanted to be with my child even more.

When she was about six months old I toyed with returning to work out of the home, but my heart was never in it. I looked around and found a lovely flexible nursery right near my job, but I still didn't want to do it.

So I worked part-time from home, flexible hours while my child was asleep, and did send her to a childminder for a few days a week when she was 5-6, which was great. I gave that up when my second child came along. I loved being with her too, and the fact she had special needs made a return to work more impractical anyway.

I've loved every minute of it.

I gave up work in November when dh got a job. In all honesty though I'm struggling. My ds is 2 and a half and drives me crazy. Into everything all day won't sit for a minute. Im falling behind with housework and shattered

I know you wanted posts from SAHP’s but just wanted to say I wish I could stay home. Even working three days a week I feel like I’m missing out and it breaks my heart. I don’t see DD from 8-5 three days a week. It’s shit. If I’d have known I think I may have waited a few years for DH’s income to increase to have DD.

He earns good money but it would make us too vulnerable if I gave up work. I’m a very home type person. I’d be quite happy to play with DD, go to baby groups, I love cooking/ baking and making the house nice. Then I’d do my hobby in the evenings/ weekends to get out of the house for adult time. SAHM would be my dream job but I’d only want to do it if we had a higher income.

Pension - also a late mum here, worked at the same place full-time and paid pension contributions for almost 20 years before I had her. My pension will have taken a hit, but so has a sibling's who has worked part-time for years since her children were born.

When I look back I’m pleased I had to work earlier, the decision was motivated by needing money to move, the plus side is now my CV is not totally blank.

I probably would have stopped if that impetus wasn’t there

But now I could go along happily for as long as I want but know that things happen, marriages do end (although currently don’t think mine will but who does in happy times) so I think maybe I should do a year work to top up. But there’s other stuff I could happily do too.

With my first I went back part time (teaching) we ended up spending the weekend catching up with housework, me doing paperwork and marking, making lunches for the following week and basically not enjoying our time as a family. After second I decide to stay at home. I've never regretted it for a second. I miss teaching however I love being at home, picking the kids up and dropping the off at school, being able to go to groups and take little one out, get hour work and household stuff done so it means our weekends are free for us. I've never been bored.

Actually it’s less about the marriage ending (even in bad times we’ve got through), but being able to get an interview and job with enough to cover cc should I wish. I’m really happy not to work but probably tied up with thinking I can at any time.

Once that goes not sure how I’d feel about that

Hi guys,

Thanks so much for all the honest, comprehensive, and quite heartfelt replies.

Typically as a mum of two under two I’ve only Found time to reply properly Now, As I push the double buggy around the park trying to get them both to sleep after a 4 am start.

It’s really interesting to read peoples reasons for stopping work and they are much more varied than I anticipated.

It’s great to read that some on here are genuinely happy their choice though worry about getting back into work / missed pension contributions seems fairly common and indeed this would be the thing putting me off giving up work.

I won’t bore you all with my potted history as this thread was not about me… However unlike others my husband has a well-paid but very demanding job, that requires him to work late last minute and in which he can even more if he is able to be very flexible. So financially it makes more sense for me to stay home e.g. we will both have more money that way.

However keeping my job going, not having to struggle to get a job in a few years time, and to contributing to my pension (albeit part-time contributions) are very attractive and reasons to keep working

Youngest daughter is still very young-only two months- so I’m hoping to have an epiphany Before my second mat leave draws to a close. This has been incredibly helpful and I will be reading everybody’s replies several times over X

Oh-to answer the question about lead levels-levels were high in terms of being able to carry a baby, but not high in a general sense. Quite a low threshold for Women of childbearing age, and now I don’t have to worry about that. However I think that running a stained glass business from home and having to such small children would possibly be far too stressful X

my gut says that Admin work will always be there a couple of years I want to enjoy my tiny daughters can’t do that much harm... But sometimes I am a bit guilty of going with my heart over my head and later regretting it!

Again sorry for typos and hope all makes sense - multi tasking , baby won’t sleep!

You don’t need to miss pension contributions. If you register for child benefit, you’ll acrue state pension rights till your youngest is 12 even if you’re not entitled to any actual money.
You can also put money into a self-invested pension and you’ll get government top up (up to £3600 annually if you don’t earn as far as I remember). If you’re under 40, you can also have a LISA with a 25% government top-up to use in retirement.
So pension isn’t a problem if DH is a high earner and you’re able to make these contributions.

Wow Jojo that’s so helpful thank you. X

Do you automatically get state pension contributions of you receive Child benefit ? Or need to do some specific paperwork? Thanks again x

Very part-time work might help keep your CV ticking over when your youngest is old enough for nursery say a few mornings each week OP. It doesn't have to be all or nothing and employers will still see that you have retained skills while you still have the majority of time being available for your little ones.
Try looking at part-time role specialists such as the ones here: wrpn.womenreturners.com/3-uk-recruitment-agencies-specialising-in-professional-level-flexible-part-time-jobs/.

I think you’ll automatically receive the state pension contributions if you’re registered for child benefit. When I was registering, I filled out just the basic form and ticked that I was registering for pension rights but didn’t want the money (as not eligible for the money).