To ask why you became a SAHP and if you are pleased you did?

[Shazafied]

Not looking to start a debate about working parents vs SAHPs! We all work hard.

Genuine question for SAH mums and dads - what was it that swayed your decision ? Was it a tough decision? How are you enjoying it ? Any regrets?

(Currently weighing up options as have 2u2).

Thanks all

Childcare costs plus fuel and parking wasn't worth it. Whislt all our money would of been combined it would still be a minus.
I enjoy it because I get to take her places. No time scales etc. But occasionally it gets boring. Then i get myself in a rut for a few days until I pull my socks up and say to myself to make the most of the time whilst she's little.

One 22 month old here. The following things were key:

• Not really wanting to go further in the career I trained in and actually being a pretty bad employee (I’m much better as my own boss)
• Becoming self employed doing something I can continue in a limited way around DD
• DH working in a high earning job he loves
• My buying 2 BTL properties that continue to provide income and hopefully grow in value
• My feeling that local childcare options are expensive, staffed by underpaid young women and generally not particularly beneficial for pre-verbal children
• Not coping well with stress or anxiety, and the worry that I’d forever be letting down my clients, my child or my employer at every turn.

I don’t regret it, and I manage an hour or so of paid work daily (interestingly less and less as DD gets older and naps less!). And I’m able to use my time to do things like cut our grocery bills right down by shopping around, buy the cheapest flights etc. But:

• I dislike not being able to help substantially when a big family expense rolls round.
• DD is smart, engaging, fun... and exhausting. I push myself quite hard to do the things she loves and learns from, so I feel I’m always on. It’s only recently that I’ve started trying to teach her that Mum is busy in the kitchen/reading something for 5 minutes etc and she needs to play by herself.

Of all of these I think having my own money coming in from property was the biggest factor.

I left a good job 2 years ago when I had my son and have since had ds2. I was happy to give up work because:

• I liked my job and my colleagues but I was never a ‘career person’ for want of a better word. I did it and I enjoyed-ish it but it was solely to pay the bills, nothing more.

• I always wanted to be at home with little ones while they are small. While it is hard (also had 2 under 2) I love it and wouldn’t change it for the world. I feel like I’d miss out on so much if I was at work and I would miss them.

• financially. My husband has a very well paid job. I don’t need to work and he is happy with this arrangement. It means he can focus on his work, often working away or evening events and doesn’t have to worry about nursery pick ups etc.

• nurseries are so expensive around here it would cost more than I would earn so pointless.

I've been a SAHM since DS1 was born, he is 4 now and I also have 11 month old DS2. We did it for financial reasons. DH had a great high earning job with career progression, whereas I never really had a career. I was in a part time job that I hated. It made zero financial sense for me to continue working so I didn't. I really enjoyed being a SAHM when it was just DS1, he was a very easy baby. He got more complicated as he grew and has since been diagnosed with ASD. Then DS2 came along and is even more difficult with a lung condition and eczema and multiple severe allergies. It's hard work and exhausting running around after them both, the only family help we have is from my mum but she doesn't cope well with the baby so won't have him until he's older. Which is fair enough. The plus side to being a SAHM for me has been that I've been studying for a degree with the Open University, I will be done by the time the baby has free hours at nursery and eldest is at school. Although it's been hard at times, I wouldn't go back and change it if I could. It's been great being able to spend so much time with them when they're so little.

I often read on here that someone became a SAHM because of childcare fees - eg earn 1,800 but CC fees 2k a month and wonder why it's expected for you to pay for it all. Shouldn't your partner or DH be paying half?

No regrets. I wanted to be the one to pick my kids up from nursery/school; the one to hear about their days, the one to take them to the park on the way home. I had no significant career ambitions that an office could fulfil, but my partner is very work-driven and on a fantastic progression onwards and upwards.

I take my kids' education super-seriously: I taught both to read pre-school and really, really enjoyed it, spending a lot of time thinking about ways to make learning fun. I talk to the teachers at parents' evening about what they're studying at school and the best way to support it at home, so we can read around subjects and bring them to life. I teach them musical instruments: piano for one, guitar for the other.

It hasn't all been work: we've had many happy days of making things, from biscuits to animated films. I enjoyed making them clothes and school-play costumes when they were little: I made up my own knitting patterns and still knit for them now.

I get some freelance work now and then. It doesn't pay bills, but it does provide a bonus treat, letting us go away for an unexpected long weekend or funding a DIY project.

The only thing I miss about my office job - apart from the salary - is adult interaction. I don't miss the passive-aggressive arguments over room temperature, the backache, the colleague who used to say "Heigh-ho" in a singsong voice twenty times a day, the smell of microwaved lunch, or people who use body spray like they're marking their territory.

At first, I really hated the question "What do you do?" from other parents, because most here hire a nanny and carry on in their careers, and have fancy Gucci handbags and second homes to show for the extra income. I felt like a loser for a bit, then I reminded myself that losing only happens if you've tried and failed to get something. I never wanted a Gucci handbag or a second home: I wanted my family, and don't regret my decision at all.

My kids are older but i stopped working when I had my first - i have never regretted it, i have been able to make friendships locally that I couldn't when working and these continue to be really important to me. Now my youngest is about to start secondary school I am beginning to feel like maybe I should do something additional and have volunteered for a local food bank.
I want to be here when my kids get home and during the holidays and we dont need extra income so i think volunteering is the way forward for me.
As a previous poster said, I am always busy but mostly its only stuff that matters to our small unit not to the greater world outside and I am conscious that my mental health slides if I spend too much time on my own the menopause isn't helping on that front either

silvery even if you each pay half (assuming you don't pool all money) you're collectively down, in your example, £200 per month.

• would have earnt less than £10 a day after childcare costs
• didn't like my job/it wasn't a career
• DH enjoys his job, has much better earning potential (earns double what he did 5 years ago) and I was happy to enable him to be flexible in terms if hours, overnight trips etc.
• he earns enough that we still have some luxuries, though money was tight initially (acknowledge this is a privilege not all have)

That said, the main reason was that I didn't want my young DC spending the majority of their waking hours being looked after by other people. I wanted to enjoy their early years myself.

As for regrets... Sometimes I feel that other people see me as boring/unintelligent and look down on me a bit, the overwhelming majority don't though (or if they do I don't notice it). I do feel a bit jealous of people who combine parenting with a job they enjoy, but I didn't have a job I enjoyed in the first place.

I wanted to be there to witness first hand the milestones, special occasions and make memories. I never, ever wanted my children to feel that they were second best to me or their father. I find it really important to have a strong bond with the main caregiver and no matter what people say it is not possible unless you are around for the first few years at least. I am also an extremely maternal person and honestly, it would have been painful to watch other people bringing up my kids while I was busy working.

I do enjoy it. Thoroughly. And it is the best parenting decision I have made by far. Even before I had children I decided I would be a SAHM, nothing would have stopped that. I just could never imagine carting my kids off to nursery while I focused on money making. And I don't believe for a second it's not an option for other parents. If you truly want to be a SAHM then you will make it work.

I loved my job and went back 4 days a week after DC1.
It was hard in London, no family support, we both worked in a non 9-5 industry and DH started to do more travel abroad.
I was always feeling guilty leaving work, rushing/late to childminder, feeling like I was doing both badly.
Decided to stay at home after DC2 as we couldn’t work out the childcare.
I fully embraced being a SAHM loads to do in london, made lovely friends.
DC2 became increasingly tricky and was DX as ASD aged 5, if I’d been working I would have had to give up anyway.
Started a part time (shop work) job when DC2 was 8 and we were in a good place with school.
We moved when DS2 was 12 and bought a big renovation project house, this kept me busy for 2 years.
Went back to college part time for 3 years to retrain as a florist.
I’m now a freelance florist, both DC are going to university in September, I hope to do more work.
I’m so grateful that we could afford for me to be at home looking after DCs as I know not all people can, I do regret giving up a career I loved and was unable to return to, but I’m liking where I am now and feel like I’m becoming more of my own self again.
Worst thing about being a SAHM for me was loss of self belief and independence, Best thing was knowing I was there for them when the good/bad things happened.
It’s a tricky choice, I have friends who have all made different choices and we all question our choices at times, but I don’t think one way is better than the other, you just make it work for your own family.

I resigned as there was no flexible/part time available to me. I had a big commute, was expected to work outside of working hours when required and had to travel at least once a fortnight. I wasn't passionate about the job and was tired enough doing it before I got pregnant! My OH loves his job, but is also expected to stay late, entertain clients and do international travel all on short notice. We have minimal help from family (we can get a babysitter for a meal out for birthdays etc) but nothing day to day so it would have been impossible to manage.

I do love it but it's hard, relentless, thankless and dull some days. I'm finding it hard to find a job at the moment and it's making me question an awful lot.

Because my parents both worked when I was a kid and I resented them for it when I was little. Never came to assembly or on trips, never at plays or even parents evenings, no after school play dates or clubs etc. They both did low paid shift work and so their working didn’t mean I had a comfortable life, we lived in a high rise flat on a rough estate. When they weren’t working they were sleeping and barely saw each other let alone the kids, no holidays as they couldn’t get time off at the same time.. so yeah completely skewed my view on work and I always swore I’d be there for mine regardless. And I am.

I became a SAHM because I was working long hours in a stressful job and just didn't like the idea of trying to combine that with children. Also my DH earned enough for us to manage on one salary (and was supportive of the idea of me staying at home).

I really enjoyed being a SAHM, but I'm back at work now (since my youngest DC started school) and I have to say I am loving it. I realise that I missed the mental stimulation of my job.

I absolutely love it.

I gave up work the day I handed over my entire wages (except £8) to the childminder who'd taken my (lovely) children to the zoo on a glorious day out. As I handed over the envelope with £100 in it, I just thought 'what the fuck am I doing?'

I've never regretted it, and even if I do have more drudgery days sometimes than those at work, I think when I'm 80 and look back, I 100% won't regret it.

I do work part time during school hours now they're at school; good balance.

I don't believe for a second it's not an option for other parents. If you truly want to be a SAHM then you will make it work

I have to disagree with this. Sure, I know some who say they can't "afford" not to work but could if they lived a lifestyle more like mine (ex council 3 bed semi rather than 4 bed detached, 1 old car for the family and taking the bus where possible, food shop from Aldi, UK holidays instead of going abroad etc. and that does annoy me as it feels dishonest and a bit judgemental of those living cheaper lifestyles) but what about single parents? Or those who both work part time (often on min wage) due to a lack of full time/well paid work in their area? For some it's a choice but for a lot of isn't.

SilverySurfer That was my situation - earning £1800 but needing £2000 for nursery. Yes of course DH would have paid half, but we still would’ve been £200 a month worse off as a family.

Initially because it was what I wanted to do. I wanted to be home full time until he started school. I had a career where taking a time out and then returning isn't a problem.
Now it is because child is severely disabled and childcare for children like him doesn't exist. We decided that on balance it was better that I didn't work rather than try and juggle something around dh's hours. I don't miss it. Ensuring ds is properly cared for and receives all the support he should, gives me enough to do.

Two kids with special needs. Could only attend nursery for a few hours a day, then part time school for the first year. Youngest faced illegal exclusions everyday so required pickup at unpredictable times not to mention the numerous appointments. For me it wasn’t a choice. They now all attend school full time but we have nothing in the way of any childcare and it would cause them and me so much stress finding something (though the changes of that are remote).

For me a combination of nursery fees costing more than what I'd earn and not having any family around to help. My DH often has to work away so I have to be responsible for every drop off and pick up.

Besides I've never had a job that I've been that bothered about or prepared to make sacrifices for.

I would like to do some sort of work outside the house later on but it would have to work for us as a family. I don't fancy making my child do long days in wrap around care or having to "juggle" the school holidays.

OP, high lead levels don’t sound healthy? Are you sure you’d consider going back to stained glass for that reason?

I’m quite new to being a SAHM. Initially, I thought I’d go back to work after 3-6 months. However, I don’t want DS to be looked after by someone else and barely see us. So I’m a SAHM. He still goes to nursery part time to allow me some time to do my own thing. DH works very long hours.

We moved abroad because of my husbands job when I had 2 under 2 so sort of fell into it

I don’t have that good a relationship with my parents as they worked so were never there for me - I am fortunate that I can spend time with my children - we are very close and hopefully that will continue (obviously no guarantee about that)

Now I would like to do something but it’s hard to find something that fits in with our life (the mythical term time job).

Ah yes Crankybitch, the Holy Grail of the term time job, ideally with some flexibility for appointments and school assemblies

Exactly 😂.

Would quite like it to be part time too to fit in with all my other activities/lunches 😎

DH & I made the decision that I'd stay at home until our youngest DC started school. It made sense as I had a very long commute to a stressful job that required occasional evening work which wasn't going to be easy to manage with small children as DH worked long hours as well. Most importantly we were fortunate enough that DH earned enough for us to be able to keep our heads above water on one salary.

I did go back to work briefly after my first maternity leave, but I was already pregnant with DC2 when I returned. I went on maternity leave again as soon as I could because the commute was exhausting me and I to be honest I wasn't happy with DC1 being in childcare all day. I was lucky enough to be able to apply for voluntary redundancy at the end of my second maternity leave so I didn't have to go back.

I was a SAHM for 9 years in total, and on the whole I loved it & have no regrets. I feel so lucky that I was able to have that time at home with my children when they were small. I went back to work part time when the youngest started school, and full time when he went to secondary school - to a local job with no commute so I could still be around for them.