To ask why you became a SAHP and if you are pleased you did?

[Shazafied]

Not looking to start a debate about working parents vs SAHPs! We all work hard.

Genuine question for SAH mums and dads - what was it that swayed your decision ? Was it a tough decision? How are you enjoying it ? Any regrets?

(Currently weighing up options as have 2u2).

Thanks all

A feew reasons. Was all set to go back but than I had a miscarriage and I wasnt overly impressed with the nursery we had chosen. Would have knly bedn wirking for 20 quid a day.
Aftwr second eould have been out of pocket working.

Because I wanted to

No regrets. I was working in an intense, long and unpredictable hours job, and I wanted to be the one to look after DD. We now have two DDs and I've not done paid work for 8 years...

I think the main reason I have no regrets personally is that I'm never bored - I mean, occasionally the drudgery of the domestics gets me down, laundry can be tedious as can thinking about what to have for dinner, but I've never understood people who say "I'd be so bored without my job". I read a lot, listen to radio, have conversations with people, enjoy listening to and answering the weird and wonderful questions the kids have about life the universe and everything ... I can't imagine any job that would never have a dull moment.

In terms of return to work, I'm professionally qualified and at the same time have done plenty of jobs like waitressing, shop work, admin etc so I'm not afraid of never getting another job. If / when I need or want to, I'll do anything .

Take your time and think about OP but remember you can always change your mind .

I started for largely cost driven reasons, teaching (SLT) childcare more than my wage. Plus we were both doing v long hours and barely seeing the kids. It cost more, and was hard.

I’ve enjoyed though, stuck with it for far longer and found real joy in life

Because it would cost us £300 for me to go to work.
That’s it. The only reason I can give you. The mortgage payments have forced me to open my own business and try my hardest to generate enough sales to contribute to the household bills.
I forever feel guilty. I forever regret it. I hate that I can’t contribute financially. I hate relying on my husband for money (even though he just puts it straight into the joint account) and I constantly feel like I’m not pulling my weight enough. I can’t have any of my own free time without feeling guilty. It’s a horrible feeling and I can’t say anything to my husband because it would upset him to think I feel like this.
I cannot wait until my littlest can go to school and I can work properly.

Regarding the bit about dh paying childcare, for us all family money has always been fully shared. So me earning less than childcare meant less family money.

To balance our lost earning potential though and to show trust the property was signed into my name and legally gifted. More a gesture I guess, but to show the intentions.

We went through 4 years of adoption assessments and training. Delighted to start our little family and wasn't going to go back to work and put our 10 month old in childcare. Never went back to work and don't miss it at all

I became a sahm because I'm husband was a high earner. I now regret it. He left me and now I'm on benefits because I have not worked for years and have no qualifications.

Life-long dream. I love getting to spend all my time with my baby.

Have been a SAHM since having DD coming up to 5 years ago. Now also have DS 10 months.

For me my reasons were fiesta bd foremost that I wanted to stay at home with her. I didn’t want her to go to childcare and we don’t live near family or would want them looking after her anyway (NC with abusive PIL and my parents can be very difficult).

DH works long hours with lots of last minute unpredictable overseas travel so it would have fallen to me to cover all drops offs and pick ups, sickness, holidays etc and after watching friends struggle with this it just never seemed worth the headache!

Plus DD wasn’t easy to conceive so after that particular battle I just felt at the time that nothing was more important to me than being with my baby.

Also, DH earns enough that I don’t need to work financially. And he couldn’t do his job and have a family without me at home tbh - he works 60-70+ hour weeks +travel

Up until recently I loved staying at home. But since DS has come along I’ve struggled with some PND. Juggling the two of them and their different needs as been really hard as I have no family support and DH is largely absent and we’ve moved (again!) to a new area so I’m slowly making friends but no one I would feel close enough to to ask a favour of really.

Some days I feel so touched out and joyless. But thats largely down to DDs emotional needs and DS being a refluxy, colicky, fussy, velcro baby, poor sleeper etc

Some times I think back so wistfully to my child free days and how easy it was just to pop to the shops(!) let alone long leisurely lunches, lie ins and long haul travel

But that’s nothing to do with SAH v WOH that’s just having kids full stop!

Anyway, at the moment no I wouldn’t change things and am glad I’ve had this time with the kids. In the future when both at school I will consider my options re: employment or voluntary work

Ah yes Crankybitch, the Holy Grail of the term time job, ideally with some flexibility for appointments and school assemblies

They do exist, Im part time TTO plus 2 wks & have flexi hours. Even better school is on the way to work & my commute is a 10 min walk. Don’t hate me! 😆

Had 3 under 3 just made sense, no rushing to nursery in the mornings, three clean nappies and leisurely breakfast, it was ace. All through school no sickness days to worry about, never missed a concert or a sports day. Holidays were covered no childcare to arrange it was absolutely marvellous!! My youngest started high school and i retrained and now have my own successful business.

Michael Gove! He tipped the workload into the ridiculous for no extra benefit. I felt so guilty that I was constantly prioritising hundreds of other people's children above quality time with my own.

No local support network. Family too far away and the wrong generations so either too young to retire from f/t work or too elderly anyway.

DH already works long hours and travels frequently but for much better pay than my profession. Without a support network, it was not fair on the DCs for us to be working 100+ hours per week. The nursery years weren't so bad as the pace was more relaxed but DS1 struggled with the transition to being dropped off in a cramped, busy breakfast club bang on 8am and picked up from afterschool club at 17:55 every single day.

With hindsight DS1 has high functioning SNs. He finds the school day draining and needs to come home and chill quietly, not being in a busy mixed age atmosphere. All I knew at the time was that he wasn't happy and decided not to seek work again when my contract expired.

I was regularly on a knife edge of timings when DH was unavaliable. He did his fair share of sick days/ school events when practical, but I couldn't do events and had to be able to do everything solo frequently and often at short notice. My directed hours had no flexibility.

I don't have to work for us to have a comfortable lifestyle. The DCs benefit more from my time than my earning potential. They develop more skills at more extra curricular activities, particularly important for developing DS1 beyond school life. Post Gove education doesn't work well for children like DS1. I could look at alternative occupations, but we're back to childcare issues, plus school holidays the provision of which is frequently totally impractical. It's simply not worth the bother for our circumstances and someone else would need a post more than me.

I was happy to work through the toddler years. The DCs were happy in nursery and DS1 got valuable input there which complimented what I could do at home. I love being a SAHM through the school years. I get some free, independent time, can contribute to my community and the DCs are interesting young people to be with. I don't need my career to validate myself.

It's the right decision for our family circumstances at present, and everyone needs to choose what is right for them and their family

DH earns enough for me to stay at home. I can't wait to get back to work tbh, its been 4 years now and I want something for me again.

I loved it when I could afford to do it. I just spent all day playing with her, going to groups and play dates days at the park. I felt like I’d finally been able to see the firsts of everything she did, it was such a joy be a I felt like j missed so much with my boys. I’m back working now which is fine and we’ve got more money but I do miss being with them and doing what we fancied!

I am a SAHM and controlling director of our company, as long as you are financially protected, you don’t need to justify to anyone.
Absolutely no regrets, for the past 20 years.

Because it was clearly the best thing for the family - even though I’d never wanted to be a SAHM.

DD1 has some SN and when our long term nanny left she was in a very difficult phase and I couldn’t see anyone else managing her.
DH is in a very highly paid job. So no need for me to work financially. But also his job is very demanding so I was doing most domestic stuff.
I wasn’t enjoying my job, I was stressed about DD1, not sleeping courtesy of both DC and was leaving things half done at the office so as to rush home for 20 minutes before bedtime.

It all came to a head and I realised the only reason I was working was for personal fulfilment and intellectual stimulation - that’s important but not enough to make all our lives much more stressful than they needed to be.

2 years later DD1 is much more settled, I am sick of being a domestic skivvy and I want to go back to work.

I developed two autoimmune diseases six months postpartum, eldest had severe reflux for 18 months (and I didn’t want to leave him with a nanny), and then at three he was diagnosed ASD, and youngest a couple of years later with a speech delay.

Kids have overcome their delays, my health is a little steadier, so I’ve started working part-time, but I don’t think full-time will ever be feasible. Husband is a high earner, so it’s all good.

To be honest I found it harder to work once my children started school, my illness aside. We had a fab childminder who would gave them from 7am - 6pm (I'm a teacher and was working a 30 min drive away). However, there is so much that primary schools invite you in for and children notice when you're not there. Assemblies, concerts, shared reading, sports day etc. The school day is really short but so much more intense than nursery. My DCs find it exhausting. They hated being rushed out of the door so early in the morning going to the childminder and at 3.30 they just want to be collected by me or DH and come home for a snack and play in the garden. There are constant requests for dress up outfits, homework, reading diaries, donations for xyz so there's a lot more wife work associated with school than nursery, where I could rock up at 7.30am with them still in their night nappy and pyjamas, the nursery fed them breakfast and tea, they had naps and rests there. I don't know, it just feels like despite my children's independence in many ways, eg obviously they can dress and feed themselves now at 8 and 5, they need / want me more now during the school years than when they were at nursery.

If worked really hard to get to the top of the career ladder then a few things happened personally which made me reevaluate what's important. When I fell pregnant with our second I just lost the fire in my belly career wise and made the conscious decision not to go back. I knew on my last day before May leave that I wouldn't return. So I took two years off and completely threw myself in to being a SAHM and absolutely loved it. My husband also wanted the opportunity to do the same so when I had the opportunity to return to work he took a career break for two years before our youngest started school.
In addition to the above we don't have a single bit of support from our family in regards to the childcare so it was either get a live in nanny or bring the kids up ourselves and I very passionately believe in the latter (which I know is a v personal choice)
Follow your gut xx

I naively assumed that it would be easier to return to work once children were at school but from reading on here about schools having such high expectations for parental involvement and the question of how to cover holidays it sounds harder to work if anything.

I'm a stay at home parent. I have twins and wasn't ready to go back at 8 months. I did go back and hated the job I was in. 9 months down the line and I am looking for a job again. Even though we're out everyday I am bored. They're much more independent now and will pay independently for a long time. I don't want to be sat at home or toddler group watching them and having a cuppa.

It was lovely while it lasted but I'm itching to get back to work now. Looking back I was depressed when I became pregnant - had recently experienced redundancy. I was working below my level as I thought I was worthless (after the redundancy). My kids have dragged me out of this depression and I'm trying for a job at my level again. I want to become the best person I can be. Children become who you are. I want to be happy.

I don't regret it but I always kept small part time jobs going to keep my hand in. I'm now back up to almost full time I have taken a massive hit in terms of progression and to be honest though I loved some days with the kids its very boring sometimes. Relentless hard work.

So few people on here seem to have considered pensions and having a financial safety net should their relationship come to an end. Really interested how people have safeguarded against that when they made the decision to stay at home, particularly for extended periods.

I’ve said below @TheFatberg that the property was signed into my name when I became a sahm. I’d either be able to return to work, or sell and buy cheaper to release equity.

I also have a qualification in a shortage area. I could pretty much look for cover work on Wednesday and work on Thursday, not at the highest rate- but I’d get by.

We aim to pay off our mortgage in the next 10 years then start something to supplement our pensions. Even if I was in work I don't see my pension being helpful enough, especially if I'm not healthy enough to work in my 60s.

Id be fucked in or out of work if we split up as my job was too poorly paid to offer me much anyway.