DD has made me feel so hurt

[Motherwell91]

My dd (6) through a massive tantrum at bed tonight... Tears, screams hyperventilating the works. She kept saying she didn't feel safe and no one understand her and that she didn't want to live with us anymore. I have never felt so hurt. I had a hard upbringing with mental and physical abuse. So I've always tried hard to listen to my children and keep as healthy and happy household as possible. She was shouting and screaming so much are neighbour knocked on the door to check everything was okay. I'm mortified by this. She offered to speak to her as heard her state she wanted to speak to someone who understands. Am I overthinking that she needs to go talk to someone or see the gp or is this just a tantrum? She was happy and content until bedtime. I feel like such a bad parent and God knows what the neighbour really thinks. Sorry if this is all over the place I think I just need some advice or a hand hold or something. She is just so emotional and sensitive recently from no where constantly tearing up.

I would let her speak to someone. Clearly she is bothered by something and it’s important to get to the bottom of it, even if that does trigger unpleasant memories for you

I would listen to her and find someone for her to talk to.

Neighbor did a really nice thing, try not to worry what she thinks or anybody else for that matter.

Just focus on your dd and go to gp or private counsellor if you can afford it.

Yes see a gp. Tomorrow i would be talking to her as well. Try and listen without asking leading questions, is there something she is trying to tell you? Sorry your dd feels like this op it must be tough for you both.

My just turned 7 year old DS is very emotional at the moment and very down himself. We had a night where at bed time he just howled and howled and there was nothing I could say or do to comfort him. My personal view is that he is very tired as it's the end of term and there is lots going on. In his case he will be moving form infants to junior and they moved around all the classes and I think that this has unsettled him.

I would be constantly reassuring her that you love her and that she is safe. Could you take her out after school before she gets too tired and try and talk to her over a treat to see if she can express herself? If she can't Is she close to any other adults in the family - Grannies, Grandpas, Aunties - who she might talk to?

I just can't understand why she would feel this way. We put all her needs first. Why would she fell unsafe with us 😞 has anyone else's. Children said anything simular?

Whoa there. Your six year old hasn't made you feel anything.

Your child is struggling with emotions (this is normal) and has expressed this in a way which has resulted in you feeling like you're struggling with your own emotions in response to the distress.

Your response is, as you say, also possibly related to events and feelings in your past you haven't been able to process yet (this is also normal).

You BOTH deserve someone to speak with about these things.

And a big virtual hug each

And all kids are really really tired at the moment. So they are overreacting to everything.

Sorry I know.. She herself didn't hurt my feelings but the idea of her not feeling safe with us was like a knife.. That's all we want for our children to feel safe, valued and loved.

It’s so hot and humid and it’s coming to the end of the school year. She could just be tired out. Don’t feel bad. You are doing your best

And children usually lash out at the people they love the most!

Try not to make this about your feelings - although I can empathise and understand if you’ve posted for guidance. Your DD is trying to express how she feels and that doesn’t mean that she’s criticising you. Is there a possibility something has happened that is worrying her? Can you ask school how she has been in class? Has she spent any time with anyone else that you could ask how she has been while with them? Children struggle to verbalise their feelings - I mean I think a lot of adults do too tbh - and that frustration can lead to what looks like a meltdown but is actually a child really struggling. Keep telling her you love her that you want her to feel safe. I agree with PP seeing GP and sharing concerns. Did your DD speak to your neighbour?

It's actually reassuring that the neighbour cared enough & they wanted to help.
Has anything changed at home recently? Any different people around? In what way are they feeling unsafe?
They are all exhausted but it's a strange accusation to make.

Here's a thought. If she actually DIDNT feel safe with you...she probably wouldn't have said anything. Or had a tantrum.
It's a mark of your GOOD PARENTING that your child does indeed feel safe enough to absolutely let rip at you because deep down she knows she actually is safe and you are a safe person to vent her feelings on.

Yes it might help for both of you to speak to the GP but don't beat yourself up. It's a good sign. I'd be worried if she was a silent meek obedient 6 year old...Sounds like she's totally normal OP and you are clearly doing something right

I wouldn't take her to the GP based on one incident, I don't think if sends the right message to medicalise her showing emotion. If these meltdowns were happening persistently over a period of time then that would be different. As others have said, she's likely to be exhausted at this point in the school year so this may just be a reaction to that. As far as the talk of feeling "unsafe" goes, I have a DD the same age and they've been doing a lot of Protective Behaviours stuff with them...lots of talk about 'safe secrets' and 'unsafe secrets', asking them to draw their support network and think about who they feel 'safe' with etc. Is it possible they've been doing something like this at your DD's school? I think that the concept of "feeling safe/unsafe" is actually quite a tricky one for a small child to get their head around and you never know how they've interpreted these things.

My DS (10) lashes out at me a lot when he's confused about anything. I expect the 'feeling safe' comment stems out of something they've talked about at school as it's not really the kind of thing that child of that age would come up with on their own. In fact, he lashes out at me because I'm the person he feels most safe with and it's when he reaches bursting point. It's incredibly hard, they know exactly how to push your buttons because to some extent they want you to feel as upset as they are.
However, what exactly triggered this is impossible to say. It could be tiredness, or it could be something else going on that she hasn't been able to express clearly. When she's calm and you're feeling stronger, talk to her gently. Maybe get her to draw a picture of her feelings, or sometimes we play a yes/no game - I ask questions and he has to say yes or no as I try to guess the problem. Once I get closer to the issue he'll then tell me what's going on. But he finds it really hard to initiate the conversation.
If you can, I'd suggest you find someone who can talk to you both and support you. I'm sure your DD loves you very dearly and she doesn't mean the things she's said that hurt you.

Can you think of anything, anything at all, no matter how small or insignificant it might seem that would make her feel unsafe?

Did she say in what way she felt unsafe?
I'd ask her who she would like to speak to about it, does she mean a family member or a doctor?

I'm sure it's nothing to worry about even though you will do nothing but worry! As a pp said, she is venting to you because she feels safe without actually realising it.

We have regular 1-1 talks due to my background. I've always explained to her that secrets that make us feel bad are not good secrets to keep and to share them.

School : I may look into if anything at school has come up. But her teachers always says what a happy confident girl she is at school.

Changes at home : I've just taken on a new job before I worked most evenings and didn't see her as much as I would have liked. So I've taken on a new role that fits in with her school hours so I'm now home every night.from school pick up right the way through.

Neighbour: I was worried about how the neighbour precives me now. I know you all say ot was a kind thing to do. But I worry that because she kept screaming about being unsafe the neighbour didbt belive me when I said all is okay but dd is feelibg over emotional.

Thankyou for tour responses so sfsr

This is sounding a bit like my dd when she was 8. She started saying some very strange things which were deeply upsetting to me. Also tantrums, crying, hitting. It turned out in her case it was extreme anxiety.

I think it's important to realise she felt safe enough to even try to talk to you about this, even if it came across muddled in a 'tantrum'.

I don't think it sounds like a gp issue either. As others have said, it's the end of the school year, lots of changes will be happening at school, new classroom, new teacher, possibly old teachers she knows moving on to other schools, friends leaving. It can all add up to a lot of upheaval and change in a place that she has felt was safe and secure. Have they had a taster afternoon with their new teacher yet? how did at go? Does she know the new teacher, do they have a reputation for being firm, is she worried about the new school year

Additionally, most schools are in a state of organised chaos at the end of the year, timetables and organised lessons out of the window, displays being dismantled, cupboards and children's trays being cleared out, lost property rediscovered, for a child who likes order and consistency it can be very stressful.

I think those are more likely to be the thoughts worrying a sensitive little girl of 6 than anything more sinister.

When I asked who she wanted to speak with.... She said no one understands her so no one. (she is under speech therapy) and has a giant hang up about it. She doesn't realise she is being assessed after summer so she is fine

I'm not quite sure why it won't let me post this info about tantrums...

Motherwell91 Dad of Three daughters here, all off my brood have bene absolute drama queens at one time and another . All are grown up now with no lasting harm anywhere. DD2 has a DGD of 7 months and she can throw a good strop at her tender age too!.

Has you neighbour had children if so she should understand this activity ;!

Sorryfor double. Stupid phone. Not user error at all

Bless her heart. She is frightened of something and finds it difficult to express it, it would help tremendously if she could. You haven't done anything wrong, children do get scared at times - I did and my son did. It would be nice and comforting if she could sleep in your room, or you in hers, for a while.